my sister's mom is dying *

it's interesting, this role that i have chosen to 'label' myself under... ThanaDoula

it's in the category of Doula, that really we all can be. A servant, a helping person... there to support someone in need of service.

right now it is a friend, last time it was more of a 'client' i was serving.. AS a thanadoula.

it doesn't really matter, my role is still the same, but how i APPROACH them, and speak with them is different.

i am starting to notice a theme here though, my role as ThanaDoula is actually more of a support to the living folks, helping them do their best as their loved one is dying...so that their loved one's death can be the most sacred and peaceful and present death, that they were able to orchestrate whatever they really want, but just need a bit of humyn reassurance...

because it's hard watching someone you love (and/or maybe have a mixture of emotions and attachments to).... it's still hard.

and it's a lot to take in...

'it's your first time doing all this..'

and it's true.

i just want my very good friend to release all the emotions that are not serving her and her dying mom's process right now... they are just in the way... some emotions are not serving, and it takes another person sometimes, just a BIT outside of the situation... to hear and validate and normalize... and open up space....within their heart and soul...

to be better present with their loved one... as they die.

this womyn has been PURE support in my life... and lots of love...

i wish her and her mom and dad and family... all that they need right now...

to be able to just be, and breathe together right now...with non-attachment...

it's all they need for each other...

dec 8th Again, 26 years since my Mom Died.

it's amazing when i reflect on how long it's been. and as time goes by, the numbers, or ratio of number's makes it seem though i hardly knew my mom... as i have been alive SO much longer than she was present alive in my life.

she died in 1991, so 26 years ago today. I was 7, almost 8. Today i am 33, almost 34 years old.

she died 26 years ago, i am 33.

that is a HUGE bulk of my life.

i sit here, impressed that i can write.... as it's morning time and my Twin 2.5 year old's Montana and Yemaya are surprisingly playing together... no crying (well, hardly ;) ), playing drums.... their Uncle Joel would be proud.

He was only 3.5 when Mom died. His 'ratio' of years lived with and without his Mom is greater.

For many years, i filled in a bit of a Mama role. These Years, he has absolutely taken over that role for himself, and sometimes/often, has taken over that for me too :) I give thanks.

I guess that is often/sometimes/can-be the role of mama... they give and give of themselves, they sometimes 'lose' themselves.... sigh...

my Mom actually did lose herself  though....that is one way of looking at death.

there are a million and one reasons of 'WHY' she died. officially from cancer...but how cancer even begins and grows in one's body... and why it continues to grow in one body and kill it and NOT another... well, these are all great mysteries of life.

but today is that day... when she lost herself... when we lost her, when our Mom died. and when the mother of my Dad's kids, died.

her 'torch' was passed along to us all, in different ways....

let today be a reminder to MY SELF.... her challenges she lived through, and still managed to flourish through, and then WANT us to come through her, into this world, and the vision's she had for us, and the WORK she put into us.... and traits i want to follow in her....

great work ethics, ACTIVE in things she believed in, a DOER, put-together, could PULL it together- amidst challenges in life, spiritual/religious...simply smart, personal evolution-never 'stagnant'...

she had challenges- i can see it now... in too much of the 'role' of 'woman' way- raised in a household where the mother was a beautiful kind womyn, and not treated with the respect and honour she deserved, by a man stuck in that 'man' role... the 'worst' definitions of it (with all 'due' respect to him, he is alive, and he too was raised with such unfair beliefs and values and life)

may her memory and life remind ME, and my siblings, and anyone else... to break out of the SHIT that life sometimes hands to us. IT IS UP TO US to keep evolving and growing, and not get STUCK.

there are moments of 'stagnation'.... moments that may last for some time... and sometimes we may not see that growth is happening between the currents... but it is up to US to make the changes... and it ALWAYS starts within OUR MINDS.

my Mom had a serious solid glare- window to her mind... i see it in pictures, and slightly-sadly, pictures form so much of my 'memory' of my Mom. she was focused,she had plans and confident secure visions of what she wanted, her goals were in front of her, and she worked to achieve them. and she did it honestly, and did NOT step on others to get there. she worked hard. she had her internal 'demons' i know, because now as an adult, i understand the inner workings of our minds, and how we interpret, and move beyond- yet live WITH, our challenges of our lives, and our pasts....

but yet, still.... she evolved.

i honour my mom today... and i also honour my kids :) for somehow playing fairly well for a fairly long time... and in honour of them all, i will now properly ENGAGE with my kids :)

Thank you Mom, i love you. You finally got to become a Bubby, and although you are not alive to hear yourself be CALLED such a title.... in your legacy, and my life... You made it.

Today we honour Mama's Mama, and Montana and Yemaya's Bubby.

seeing and GENUINELY BE-ing empathized with, is SIMPLY affirming.

because i guess i am a bit of a 'negatives first', but 'end with positives' kinda lady...

i will start with... we all have our SHIT we need to talk about, and offload...

some of us GENUINELY don't want to have any of it, so would like to offload it, and move on to the better stuff we are hopefully working towards in our lives...

but in order to get to the positives... i am afraid we have to deal with the poop.

it's part of the package of this lifetime... the poop is actually part of the 'day to day' reality of  humyn-ness. NOW, i am actually talking the tangible TRUE poop (and simultaneously, i am obviously talking about the philosophical ideas of poop)... WE POOP every day.... if we don't, we're not so healthy.... and since i am twin-toddler deep in reality... poop is part of my every day....three-fold... MINE, my daughter's and my son's.

sometimes, i'm even conscious of my partner's poop-ness.... in the tangible simple poop-sense ;) i deal with and encounter much actual poop.

so... the poopiness, the challenging/stinky/yucky/perhaps a bit of a release tho in releasing the RAGE/emotions/stinky poops....it's all very much part of this life, as a humyn.

so it's gotta be dealt with in a good way.... released... cleaned up in a hygenic way...taken-care of... but it has to come out.

and i realized today, after yet another great friend hang out.... that generally, we all have our 'shits', and we all have our joys.

obviously we all *want* to be focusing on the joys, and feel *guilty* for bringing in our 'negatives'/challeneges/SHIT.... but somehow, one of us will often start with 'tha shit', just bring it out, which opens up the space for each one of us... it generally comes out as a load... that just needs to be offloaded fairly quickly... and once in the presence of a good friend... phew.... outbreathe....out it comes...

and honestly....just releasing it... and to be HEARD, and FELT... just simply SEEN....

'i am feeling and experiencing this right now and it feels.... hard/yucky/stinky/shitty'

to be hear and seen and felt...by folks who genuinely care for you... and in that moment, are simply LISTENING to you.

you feel heaps lighter... like a weight has been lifted... the pressure has been released.

everything is way easier- to VIEW as POSSIBLE and POSITIVE after... once the shit has come out and been cleanly and simply acknowledged. and having less attachment to this idea that we NEED to be positive, and acknowledging that we ALL have to deal with tha shit on the daily/regular basis, makes it WAY easier to just let it go... and move on.

we all want to move on to the joy...i know i consciously do... and i LOVE that i have folks in my life who can remind me of these principles that i TRULY believe in, and worked towards for enough time. I can still feel ANGRY at parts of this world and life, yet simultaneously believe in being happy. it is true.

give thanks for things making sense... when you have folks in your life who are open to receiving some of your shit, so you can all end with a good dose of nourishment and positivity <3 p="">
(and thanks to any of you whom ACTUALLY just read this semi-philosophical writing piece that paralleled the experience of SHIT ;) i'm not sorry for my swearing, my kids cannot read and are asleep ;) )

growing my 'hair'

every year, around this time and season... i seem to 'let' my hair grow longer...

my little bits and pacthes of 'baby' hair that grow on my head... i just don't want to cut 'em... just yet.

i know it looks 'funny', it's bizarre to have just bits and pieces growing....

generally i shave it, these recent years....

there was a time when my head and even much of my body was COMPLETELY bald, no hair stubbles to show on my head, and even my eyebrows for a period of time...

although it actually has been TIMES- i have gone bald from a full head of hair TWICE in my lifetime..

but i think since occupy toronto, when i let my wisps grow long.... (as seen in the reuters video on the 'video' area of this blog))....every year i just let it grow.

inside me, in my mindset, there's a certain 'carefree-ness'.... like i just want to show it, let people see what i ACTUALLY look like.

i guess i want to see too....

i mean, all year long i shave it off... so i generally DON'T get to see what i TRULY look like...

now, loooking at myself, i get to see how much hair i ACTUALLY have.... how the patterns actually look.

and it's dark now... i think if it was summer, and i ACTAULLY wasn't wearing a scarf, i think the sun would bleach my fine little hairs fast... right now, with no sunshine ;) it's just looking dark, almost black.

i appreciate my self... and my hair.

it is ME, naturally... and WHY NOT be myself <3 p="">

possible pre-cancerouos cells in my body?...wow...

so, 2 papsmeres, first just deemed 'abnormal'...second gave more details...and next step is a closer look.

it's a weird kind of surprising thing to know and find out.

i mean, in the past, pre- super-technologized world... we humyns would constantly have weird 'abnormal' shiftings in our bodies original 'normal'...i mean, ALL bodies break down, and die.

we all die... and we all die from a range of our once mostly PERFECT bodies just decreasing in function... function to fight off weird viruses... or bacteria... from 'broken' bits of fibres/bones/cells/organs...

so in the past, when our teeth hurt, or we felt a pain in our bodies... i am sure we spoke of them, went to our family/community medicine/healer person... and they offered us what they could, and we trusted in them, and these ways... or came to some kind of peace with these physical embodiments that 'felt' different, perhaps in pain...

and more likely, maybe we didn't even feel the pain, or know the severity of it... until it really started to take us down.... to kill us.

now, I'm not saying i am fully 'dying', i don't think that at all..i don't really generally think that way...

sometimes it's quite clear you need to take health problems seriously, in particular moments.. but until i KNOW there's something wrong, I'm not going to necessarily 'fret' over it (I do fret in other ways, but not body health stuff ;) )

but it is a very interesting position to suddenly have a 'tangible' thang to reflect over... that i may have to reflect on.

what has been found in these abnormal paps, are cells of a certain variation, that are of a more concerning nature ('moderately or severely abnormal' says the internet ;) )...ones that need to be looked at immediately, and removed and biopsied ideally.

it's kind of interesting to me to watch my train of thoughts....

it's surprising that my 'lady parts' not so long ago *i THINK* were in perfect condition...i mean, i had twins 2.5 years ago.... and my body was a super trooper for the whole pregnancy.... so like what happened? what changed?... and it happened kind of fast, no?

also, this 'knowing' of something, that in the past days i spoke of.... i wouldn't have known this....

GUARANTEED i was going to die eventually, and that things will DEFINITELY fall apart, stop functioning, in their own unique combinations of ways (just as birth happens...)...but i wouldn't know of this possible 'pre' death step...

it's interesting...

to know more of our health/mis-health... how much it potentially does for us...?!

As long as i (and my boyfriend!) can minimize fear...and instead let it bring focus and clarity... about principles of living, and priorities of care and time...then i guess i am ok with the 'knowing'....

wish me 'luck'?!

community and friendship are in my top VALUES.

friends.... are community.

people we have crossed path in our lives, at very special times... long times ago, or recent times...

hopefully in good times, but perhaps we forged over difficult times....

but we share a sense of comraderie... of confidance... of communication, and respect, and support.

as i reflect on my core values... things that really make ME and my LIFE feel right...

friends and community- folks that 'fit' into these categories, really serve to ground me.

and not just that they 'serve' me, because it has been noted about me, that i am self-centered.

i am self-centered, perhaps more than others, because my Mom died, and i had to become my OWN mother.

the thing about MOTHERS, is they ARE centered in their CARE for whom they care for.

they do not have the LUXURY (if they have chosen to BE mothers) to step away so easily from those they care for.

if i stopped caring for myself, then i would have fallen through the cracks fast. I am gad my mother, and the different role models and mentors i have had in my life have helped me to learn to 'take care of myself'.

NOWadays, my friends and my community, who i see too sparingly... REMIND me to take care of myself. REMIND me of the principles that we once and CONTINUE to connect on.

those principles and values that WE TOO share together.

sometmes we connect in dance and joyful expressions and reggae and world music companionship...

sometimes we connect in geographical roots- we once lived and loved together in kensingtnon market culture... or perhaps we lived and loved in a different part of the world, travelling together...

sometimes we connect on buddhist meditation practice- sharing retreats and sangha and ideals to live by....

sometimes we connect in motherhood- we have met and bonded during this time...evolved and laughed and cried as we are exhausted because of lack of sleep... as we have watched our kids grown up through crawling into walking... through sounds into talking... through mushy food to meals and 'manners'... we have watched our bodies change in shape and breastfeeding and blood flowing again... to fertile bodies once again...

these friends, whom i ideally see a few a week... here and there, sometimes without, but usually WITH my children- whom now make me not one but 3 HUMYNS i share my values/body/food/tears/laughter/ETC with....

these friends feel like my saviours. they acknowledge and recognize and reflect and honour and nurture and support me.... to keep going.

my children are such a combination of energies for me... they feed me, yet TOTALLY zap me. i love them and don't want to be apart from them.... YET I NEED MY SPACE AND HEADSPACE SO BAD... so that i can properly take care of them.

so while they 'serve' me, to take care of me...my friends and the folks i intimately share my inner nature with- they too do the same.

We share our trials and tribulations... we reason... we eat together, we dance and get merry together... we cry together, and talk and talk.... if we did't have so many children about- im sure at this point in life we would probably also be sharing much more silence together too ;) and that's a beautiful thing.

as i age a bit more, now that i am a mother (and it certainly 'matures' one)...my values in life have shifted much more towards the real raw and yet also STABLE and grounded-ness existing in my life.

friends are like that... when they are proper friends... they are trees, in the forests of our lives.

and may we all hve forests.... sigh...

may we all have these supportive understanding forests... and may we also all feel supported BY the real thang... FORESTS.

i need to get myself to the forests...to lie down in a bed of pine needles....(or snow since it's coming )...

there's nothing like being in the forest with folks you love though....

i give thanks for folks that i can share such love with.... the friendship speckles that make up my 'community' of support.

it all trickles down into my children...and for this i am thankful.

'where energy goes, energy flows' -said many a yogi/spirit teacher!!!

enclosed in ME is many of the 'yuckier' emotions, these days, too much frustration/sadness/anger/grief... but i will write less of those...

when i looked back over my recent blog posts, (which are definitely rare these years!) there's just too much of those 'yuckier' feelings expressed in my writing.

i mean, writing about them, expressing them, letting them OUT is actually really good and healthy, so me writing about them is actually fulfilling a healthy purpose.... working on them, releasing them...

but i realize it is also a fine line... between RELEASING them, and just adding more fuel to their fire.... just building them up... enabling them.... GROWING them.

repeatedly talking about SHITTY things/parts of my life/this world..and repeateedly dwelling on them... it just, keeps me in that headspace...

i KNOW, because i have LEARNED... (and although i a DEEPLY out of practice, i have not yet UNLEARNED)... that we ALL have to consciously choose how to LIVE and APPROACH it all... LIFE... in this lifetime.

it is up to each of us to CHOOSE to make better healthier MORE POSITIVE choices.

so when i get together with my great humyns i call FRIENDS, and i come home and relaize, WOW, i just spent that WHOLE session, VENTING... it doesn't feel good in me.

YES, i need to release, i need to be heard about the challenges i AM truly experiencing right now... that's all true...

but its too much... it's too much NOT being happy, it's too much NOT working to BE a better happier more positive belief-full person.

i worked hard to BE that, for a lot of years actually.

and i need ot be able to see THAT as an achievement.

i chose to take my single one-week vacation a summeritme not long ago... at a meditation retreat, under the guidance and direction of a true good humyn buddhist teacher... thich nhat hanh.

i chose that, because, i wanted to adopt more of his beliefs into my own life.

i wanted more of his important teachings to be absorbed into my WHOLE being, that much deeper.

it's amazing how malleable humyns are... how shifts in life (especially big shifts like partnerships and children) can continue re-shaping us.... back to places that we thought or attempted to re-train... to learn differently...

i worked hard to become a more happy and positive person... because i do actually believe that it makes SO much more sense.

i want to be living in a way that makes me happy. that is full of meaning and depth and gratitiude and satisfaction... AND JOY.

i miss joy <3 p="">
i have so many moments of joy... but so many moments LACKING in joy now....

without giving the details... i just want to write here... a reminder to myself. (to be shared with anyone who reads this!)... that I KNOW... i have LEARNED in this lifetime... that where ENERGY goes, ENERGY flows... the more atttention i put towards the yucky things... the more those yucky things are present....

the more energy i put into GOODNESS.... being patient, and courageous... to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY, to choose JOY....more energy will flow into that.

it is up to us to choose which glasses/frames/lens we choose to put on to wear in this world.

i want my glasses to be CLEAR, and playful and happy... i want them to see the world as the SHITSHOW it seems to be heading in...(sorry!)... and so i want to see it/live it... in a good true way... that encompasses the sad/angry/lethargic qualities it brings out in me... INTERTWINED with my positive belief in ritual and gratitude and good positive company and interactions... with fellow compassionate understanding caring humyns....

wouldn't it be great if i could finally live again where all my prayers are LESS about myself, and MORE about the betterment of others again?

i wish/pray for me to be spending LESS energy in the not-so-far future about my hardships in life right now... and instead with good buddhist philosophies that encourage us to live to serve the betterment of others... and preserving/protecting nurturing the earth...

may i REMEMBER how to live again, so that my kids and i together can be living rooted in the philosophy to SERVE for the betterment of others and PACHAMAMA...sincerely <3 p="">
(p.s. where this positive re-memberance has been ignited is... today my kids and i shared a  campfire with a very special friend family of ours. it was actually their FIRST lived experience of BEING with a fire.

to be with fire, and nature is true healing...)

a sad piece of writing: on the loneliness of unsupported motherhood, and it's long term effects.

truthfully, just writing the title here says it all.

and i actually feel like i don't have much more energy to pull flowing words out of my brain...

but i know i need to flush this *feeling* out of me, that is far too often there.

I wasn't always so negative, or tired, or needy, or sad.... I used to have time/energy/space to work with and flow through my energy.

then i had twins... and then etc etc etc...

so many life evolution have come through that growth...

i wished for them truly. i wished and WANTED to have a baby, and babies came.

but i did not wish also to lose so much of what MADE my life what it was, and brought me a sense of balance.

i actually feel like at this point, i am so different and far from what i 'was', that it is at this point of many of my relationships and friendships are actually deteriorating. because i am just so needy and yearning, of some relief... of a break... of some help...and well, it is not anyone else's responsibility to come and be present to help me (and Terell) with our kids, but you know, it certainly would be nice.

it is really hard...with basically no support to help with any of the day-to-day care-load of us and two-year old twins.

even people with singleton kids, even with more than one... don't really understand.

it takes it's toll on you.... it has taken it's toll on me.

but there's hardly anyone present anymore to talk about it with.. they are all busy functioning, while i am here, often feeling like we are hardly staying afloat, in so many ways.

it's been 2 and 1/4 years almost, since we have had Montana and Yemaya... and truly, slowly but surely, it has taken it's toll on me.

no one has the time to come help us, or no one wants to *make* the time to help us, be present with us... and maybe at this point, no one actually WANTS to come be with us, because truthfully... there is much stress/pressure/strain present in our little humble family and household these days...

intertwined with beautiful laughter and special danceparties, and quirky personalities, that only we know....

death is getting closer to home...

there is this idea, for many of us... who see society, and news, and hear of death often, but don't experience it touching our lives so directly...

two folks have died in the last week...neither one was i SUPER close to, but both of them i had humyn interaction with, and they have left lasting imporessions on me, and MANY of the folks that i care about...

that is the more impactful part of it... so many people feel sad.... who have survived....

and i feel that.

i feel sad.....

and you know, it's interesting... i talk a lot, and LIKE to talk/feel/theorize about modern-day dying, and funeral processes, and now the grief process as well...

i am interested in death, it's whole process and impact...

and still, when it comes close to me, to my life, and the people i care about...

i feel really sad, every time...

it's a humyn experience, and PROCESS.

rest in peace Michael stone, and Mawe Bahari... a yogic/Buddhist/activist teacher... and a roots/drummer/Rasta/flowing Man... rest in peace sincerely ;(

you both have just planted seeds upon your death, to pick back up my pieces of my practices that you both LIVED, committedly.

i respect that so much in folks...

may i live that much more authentically as well, for the remainder of my life.

i'm thankful for their reminders.

inspired by the depths of my empathetic sadness...for a grandchild caregiver of elder w dementia

a womyn who is young- a peer...

her mother died too, when she was young- how old, i am unsure, but young enough, that she was a 'child'... like me.

she shared her story, via a presentation, in our class we take together...

grief and bereavement counselling certificate... grief across the lifespans the class is called.

she chose to do her presentation on 'older adults', and chose COURAGEOUSLY to tell her story, all the while properly sharing her grandparent's story, and covering all the parameters she needed to in presenting about the experience of LOSS in this cohort of humyn life.

her grandmother has dementia now. her grandfather died in 2011, and her grandmother was diagnosed within 3 years of his death.

the way she told her story, of her grandmother, her grandfather... their life together... and how she, this yojng womyn, came to BE, in this role now.

there are so many levels and places and ways that i FEEL for her. and since i am taking this class, and starting to be able to really see and understand the RANGE of ways that grief and loss and bereavement affect us in our lives, ACROSS our entire lifespan....well, as soon as she started crying, i was THERE with her.... fully crying.

i just felt so much for her... it's so hard for her, and she's doing so well.... i just really feel for her. it's not easy for her... and she's my peer, she's my age....

she's parentless, and she's caring for someone who is her grandmother, who has dementia... she forgets so many pieces and bits of her life... all of which her grandaughter knows and REMEMBERS for her.

her grandaughter holds so many of her memories... the stories of this womyn's love, and life.

and i can see, in this all... how it has strained her youthful-ness.... there's just no time and space for this young womyn to just BE... freely....

and i feel for her....

'it's a humyn thing' i said, 'this was SO courageous of you'...i said...

when she apologized for crying....

no need to apologize...at all.

i am thankful that this class existed, for her to tell her story... to let it out... to let off some emotional rich hard sad steam....

it's hard for her... and i feel for her.

my fellow motherless sister... who feels the lack of her mama... and she works HARD, to take care of her mama's mama...

may she continue ot find healthy balanced strength to take care of her and her grandma...

and one day, when it is time for her grandma to go too, back to creation.... may this young womyn find some relief, and some time and space... to grieve all the losses she too has experienced in her little lifetime.... so she can breathe a bit lighter....