dec 8th Again, 26 years since my Mom Died.

it's amazing when i reflect on how long it's been. and as time goes by, the numbers, or ratio of number's makes it seem though i hardly knew my mom... as i have been alive SO much longer than she was present alive in my life.

she died in 1991, so 26 years ago today. I was 7, almost 8. Today i am 33, almost 34 years old.

she died 26 years ago, i am 33.

that is a HUGE bulk of my life.

i sit here, impressed that i can write.... as it's morning time and my Twin 2.5 year old's Montana and Yemaya are surprisingly playing together... no crying (well, hardly ;) ), playing drums.... their Uncle Joel would be proud.

He was only 3.5 when Mom died. His 'ratio' of years lived with and without his Mom is greater.

For many years, i filled in a bit of a Mama role. These Years, he has absolutely taken over that role for himself, and sometimes/often, has taken over that for me too :) I give thanks.

I guess that is often/sometimes/can-be the role of mama... they give and give of themselves, they sometimes 'lose' themselves.... sigh...

my Mom actually did lose herself  though....that is one way of looking at death.

there are a million and one reasons of 'WHY' she died. officially from cancer...but how cancer even begins and grows in one's body... and why it continues to grow in one body and kill it and NOT another... well, these are all great mysteries of life.

but today is that day... when she lost herself... when we lost her, when our Mom died. and when the mother of my Dad's kids, died.

her 'torch' was passed along to us all, in different ways....

let today be a reminder to MY SELF.... her challenges she lived through, and still managed to flourish through, and then WANT us to come through her, into this world, and the vision's she had for us, and the WORK she put into us.... and traits i want to follow in her....

great work ethics, ACTIVE in things she believed in, a DOER, put-together, could PULL it together- amidst challenges in life, spiritual/religious...simply smart, personal evolution-never 'stagnant'...

she had challenges- i can see it now... in too much of the 'role' of 'woman' way- raised in a household where the mother was a beautiful kind womyn, and not treated with the respect and honour she deserved, by a man stuck in that 'man' role... the 'worst' definitions of it (with all 'due' respect to him, he is alive, and he too was raised with such unfair beliefs and values and life)

may her memory and life remind ME, and my siblings, and anyone else... to break out of the SHIT that life sometimes hands to us. IT IS UP TO US to keep evolving and growing, and not get STUCK.

there are moments of 'stagnation'.... moments that may last for some time... and sometimes we may not see that growth is happening between the currents... but it is up to US to make the changes... and it ALWAYS starts within OUR MINDS.

my Mom had a serious solid glare- window to her mind... i see it in pictures, and slightly-sadly, pictures form so much of my 'memory' of my Mom. she was focused,she had plans and confident secure visions of what she wanted, her goals were in front of her, and she worked to achieve them. and she did it honestly, and did NOT step on others to get there. she worked hard. she had her internal 'demons' i know, because now as an adult, i understand the inner workings of our minds, and how we interpret, and move beyond- yet live WITH, our challenges of our lives, and our pasts....

but yet, still.... she evolved.

i honour my mom today... and i also honour my kids :) for somehow playing fairly well for a fairly long time... and in honour of them all, i will now properly ENGAGE with my kids :)

Thank you Mom, i love you. You finally got to become a Bubby, and although you are not alive to hear yourself be CALLED such a title.... in your legacy, and my life... You made it.

Today we honour Mama's Mama, and Montana and Yemaya's Bubby.