inspired by the depths of my empathetic sadness...for a grandchild caregiver of elder w dementia

a womyn who is young- a peer...

her mother died too, when she was young- how old, i am unsure, but young enough, that she was a 'child'... like me.

she shared her story, via a presentation, in our class we take together...

grief and bereavement counselling certificate... grief across the lifespans the class is called.

she chose to do her presentation on 'older adults', and chose COURAGEOUSLY to tell her story, all the while properly sharing her grandparent's story, and covering all the parameters she needed to in presenting about the experience of LOSS in this cohort of humyn life.

her grandmother has dementia now. her grandfather died in 2011, and her grandmother was diagnosed within 3 years of his death.

the way she told her story, of her grandmother, her grandfather... their life together... and how she, this yojng womyn, came to BE, in this role now.

there are so many levels and places and ways that i FEEL for her. and since i am taking this class, and starting to be able to really see and understand the RANGE of ways that grief and loss and bereavement affect us in our lives, ACROSS our entire lifespan....well, as soon as she started crying, i was THERE with her.... fully crying.

i just felt so much for her... it's so hard for her, and she's doing so well.... i just really feel for her. it's not easy for her... and she's my peer, she's my age....

she's parentless, and she's caring for someone who is her grandmother, who has dementia... she forgets so many pieces and bits of her life... all of which her grandaughter knows and REMEMBERS for her.

her grandaughter holds so many of her memories... the stories of this womyn's love, and life.

and i can see, in this all... how it has strained her youthful-ness.... there's just no time and space for this young womyn to just BE... freely....

and i feel for her....

'it's a humyn thing' i said, 'this was SO courageous of you'...i said...

when she apologized for crying....

no need to apologize...at all.

i am thankful that this class existed, for her to tell her story... to let it out... to let off some emotional rich hard sad steam....

it's hard for her... and i feel for her.

my fellow motherless sister... who feels the lack of her mama... and she works HARD, to take care of her mama's mama...

may she continue ot find healthy balanced strength to take care of her and her grandma...

and one day, when it is time for her grandma to go too, back to creation.... may this young womyn find some relief, and some time and space... to grieve all the losses she too has experienced in her little lifetime.... so she can breathe a bit lighter....

do i look like a 'thief'? (and the feelings of being 'targeted' as one...)

i want to start this off, by actually not JUDGING people who would be thieving things from a grocery store... food is one of our BASIC needs. I am not judging folks who would be stealing... ESPECIALLY not mother who would be.

furthermore, there are SO many large scale criminals... that us folks, who are at the lower end of the INCOME scale, are NOT the ones who should have fingers pointed at us.

that being said...today, for the second time, at the same grocery store, i was accosted, and asked to see my receipt, and to check my bags.

it was called the BIG CARROT-  'natural food store', which means it is higher end, organic foods.... WHICH MEANS, the only folks who can afford to shop there with no problems, are going to be the wealthier folks... who don't even need to 'budget' as i do.

the folks that would NOT be accosted, would be folks who have everything neat, and tidy, and probably wouldn't be pushing their kids in a stroller, because they would have a NANNY to do that for them....they probably wouldn't be reaching in and out of their stroller as i was doing, because they wouldn't have to get multiple errands done in one day, WHILE taking care of two 2-year old ACTIVE and hungry children!!!

TODAY, my morning looked like it usually does... my partner gets up, and focuses on getting ready to go to work... and i change my kids into their clothes, after a little wash up.... i prepare breakfast, and feed them.... i get our stroller all set up for a morning and afternoon out of the house.... i pack up fruits and snacks... i plan on buying a partial lunch at the food shop... for our park trip... our little special treat lunch out- that doesn't happen every day...because i couldn't afford to do that... we can't.

so i cook.... and i grow a garden, so we can eat some of our own delicious freshness in the summertime.

The main reason why i made the longer trek TO this particular organic grocery store today, was because they sell organic tomato plants, and i wanted to buy a few more, as mine were eaten by creatures :)

After our library trip, to stock up on more books, to nourish my children's minds.... next stop, was the big carrot- to buy tomato plants, and a bit of lunch... and a few other bits that i prefer to buy organic.

Absolutely, the whole time... i am feeding my kids snacks- reaching down under my stroller, grabbing the rice cakes and fruit...  ALL my purchases were in ONE bag in the front, because ya CAN'T push a double stroller AND a shopping cart...but again, i am a super mama,with minimal support, who needs to get shit done, WHILE caring for her kids... so, i have no choice, but to do THIS.

THIS MAMA here, needs to get errands done herself... and carry it all, and take care of the kids... and feel good about what i look like a bit too... which is part of the 'targeting'... i don't LOOK upper class, let's be honest ;)

SO, we were doing these errands, and heading to the park next...  by the time we cash out, and i fit all the groceries, and fragile tomato plants into the stroller, on top of the library books.... my organic delicious coffee, in my cup holder... we are READY to get to the park.

i just walked out of the store, when a humyn asks to see my receipt. I cannot remember the exact words she said... but it was clear what she thought happened...what she was accusing me of.

this is the SECOND time in a row, i have been accused, in this store...

It's a good thing, i am intelligent, and can understand why this could happen.

WHY it happened to me- why they targeted me... and on a larger macro scale, i understand how everyone, is fucking paranoid and selfish, and how we just target each other.  those with wealth and power, will do ANYTHING to hold onto that... so many of us humyns have just forgotten caring for other people... giving, taking care.

no longer is that prevalent... these days, it's 'security', loss and fraud prevention'... fear, mistrust, etc etc...

this womyn was hired to do this. She was hired to do 'fraud prevention'- her words.

she also is a black womyn. a womyn, or humyn, who annoyingly, would normally be targeted...before me. which is FUCKED, and equivalently wrong.

here i am, wearing my leopard pants, skin tight...i've got my two kids- reaching for things in the grocery store, making sounds just a little bit louder than the average 'nannied' kid, who would come from a household that has a cleaning lady too, a car probably, a good support system, etc etc...kids that would 'properly behave'.... my kids are wonderful, and full of life and pizzazz and expression...

but i mean... we definitely struggle... financially, etc.

it's hard for my family, to make ends meat.

it's hard for LOTS of families, and people to make ends meat.

AND IT'S REALLY EASY for others... and they don't even think about the amount of privilege and power that they have.

NOR do they care, or care to understand how it feels for folks like me...and folks who are targeted WAY more frequently than me.  and this in my most elder decade of life has really started to FRUSTRATE me more. it's not fair, and it's not right.  We are ALL humyn creatures, and we TRULY are perfectly equal and equivalent, if i have to 'evaluate' us...

but, I am white, thus I am more privileged. but i am bald, and i am NOT upper class... so i do lose some privilege points there.

I AM also intelligent. I also am hard working. I also deserve respect for all the hard work that i do... being a good mother, being a person who is resourceful, who does know how to 'budget'...who does know how to feed my children as well as i can, within reason... and i am proud of this. and i am proud of myself. For my confidence to stand up for myself in these situations.  And am inspired to do better, with my rage and frustrations as my fuel, and my intelligence and ability to express as my medium.

I am proud that i get excited over purple and yellow coloured organic tomatoes.  and that i made it a priority, to buy these tomatoes, and to garden. to work within our means, to find a place to rent to live, for our family, that ALSO had garden space.

It's a choice we made, and to pay higher rent, means you have less money for other things. So i don't always have the newest clothes and accessory gear objects WHATEVERS... neither do my kids often, and i don't want them to think that's what this life is about, ANYWAYS. because IT'S NOT.

to be judged, to accuse me, when i am working so hard just to get 'everything' done... is insulting, and it's embarassing...  and it really hurt my feelings in those moments.

i totally cried.

initially, i was totally diva to the security womyn... 'you want to know what's in that bag? LIBRARY BOOKS... and that one- a diaper bag... and that one, snacks, and fruit, for my children....'

and after that whole exchange ended... i walked away, back to the same-chain-coffee bar where i had gone to before the groceries... i knew there was a kind womyn who was in there, and i actually needed to release via tears- i felt tears inside, i needed to be heard... by a kind non-judging humyn, in that moment....

i walked up to the barista, and just cried, and told her what happened...

my lady Yemaya said 'mommy crying'...  in the future, i will speak to her about the complexities of this situation, ALL throughout her life.

I will talk to her about privilege, and profiling... and the unfairness-es that she too will have to navigate through... because annoyingly and sadly... this is still VERY MUCH a society that PRIVILEGES folks with money, ESPECIALLY white masculine ones...

and let me tell you, this diva mama, pushing a double stroller, packed full with her 2 active kids... and library books, groceries, and tomato plants OBVIOUSLY does not fit into that category...

overall, i am not expecting to get anything out of sharing this story, excpet for maybe it will mean something to someone else, and it will validate a similar experience they went through... but i just need to let it out... because it was frustrating, and hurtful... and made me feel bad.  And that's really just not fair or right.  For all the reasons.

This is dedicated to TOO many people who are unfairly treated in this world, while TOO many people stomp all over them... worldwide... exploiting other people and the land and just actually don't give a shit. it's not right at all.

i will go back to that place, when i need something, which generally is the approach i take with it anyways, as i can't afford to do our full-time grocery shops there, obviously... but next time someone approaches me in this accusatory way... i am going to ask to speak to the most maximum of managers there- to have a bigger discussion... not the humyn being in front of me, who is actually hardly to blame...

she's low on the totem pole of power and privilege too, truly....and i am thankful i am intelligent enough to know that... and that i can feel this ANGER, and empathy... and that i have a brain that can conceptualize all this.

this is all just food for thought...

we are creatures born of our Pasts.

All of us humyns were born into our lives.

hopefully healthy families that loved us, and even still, most humyns are 'flawed', so we still don't turn out perfect.

We are malleable creatures.

We are born as distinct clearly unique individuals, absolutely.

And then we are completely shaped and altered and affected by what goes ON in our lives from that point forward.

and the people who raise us, again ideally with love....are still humyns. raised by other folks, in this culture that is not so honest and caring, TRULY- about how it's humyn offspring fellow creatures are RAISED...thus what and HOW they teach us about how to BE in this lifetime... and why...are already grown into their body that has lived as many years as it has... it is a body and life and humyn that is enmeshed of all it's experiences.

we are creatures born of our pasts.

which brings me to the more positive evolution to this concept...

there comes points, and when you pay good attention, and put care and effort into your practice...when you realize that our pasts are constantlygrowing, and that REALLY, all of our future means we have MANY possibilities to create in a GOOD way what then becomes our past.

we can make so many good positive healthy choices.... that will allow us time and time again to evolve and grow again....BORN again, again and again... every choice and step along the way, every day.

now it is work, to carry along this life path, in this culture, or world.... especially, again, if you are not raised with love...in love...in healthy happy caring stable love... then you have more obstacles to navigate THROUGH... and you do have to navigate through them... and again and again...

because who you are... who you were raised to be.... it makes up your basic structure... your body, but so much of your MIND and perspectives and ways of being... that continue to shape you.

it's hard work to make choices, aboiut how to act, how to be... more of a person that you want to be, or know is better to be.... because a lot fo people know ethics, they know what it means to be good, not to do bad...

and there TRULY are so many factors at work, that don't allow us to be the best people we can be, the best people that take care of other people and the earth, that ACTUALLY sustains us...

but we create our future, with every action and step that we take....and it's empowering to remember that. and to remember that it's also WORK and PRACTICE to keep that thinking and acting up and active...

i want to be a better person. i want to teach my kids to do better than what we have done. WE as parents, but WE as humyns.... WE as creatures that are born of our pasts... our upbringings and cultures and philosophies that maybe just don't resonate with us....

because we have listened to other ways of thinking.... that care less about the 'addictions' of this modern world- that probably ALLof us humyn's battle with internally in one way or another realistically...but we can also choose to see those flaws in ourselves, and not hate them... but notice them... and then grow again....

create our future.... that becomes our past.

i know i certainly want to do that for my children...

and in a less selfish way.... i think i also owe it to the earth and my fellow humyns, many of which were not born into some of the privileges i was...

i was reminded tonight, in attending a yoga class, which truly has been an important PIECE to a healthy life for me for over a decade now ...and in the past couple weeks upon reflection, as my children turned 2 years old, and we were fortunate to have been IMMERSED in family time with the majority of our little family's closest living relatives, in one way or another.

in honouring us all, i really take to heart that i vow to take better next steps.

i am a creature born of my past.... every step along the way... every event and action and interaction...from my in utero, to my infancy, toddlerhood, teenagehood, early and young adulthood, through this motherhood time.... some of it i didn't choose, some of it i did.

i am a creature born of my past.

we all are actually.

let's all make better choices.