Reflection on this BLOG title....12+ years old now!

my curiosity

of balance

in difference

...

difference- is all things that differ, that are different....

does there always need to be a balance. CAN there?

difference, and the way we even COMPREHEND or desire a concept like BALANCE..... is SO relative....

i USED to be way better at being 'curious'... the curious non-judgemental mind, more open, and just curious... with opinions, but less being attached to them...

now, as a Mom, or at the/my present expression of Sunni, in this chapter of life...

my judgements are what guide me.... way too much. judgements, ideas.... i am not as able to be open to other ways of being.

i've gotten more rigid 'in my ways'. is it motherhood that's done this? is it my relationship and life we have developed over this time?

I am certainly more attached to my PAST as well, when i was more curious, when i was more free.... i was free in every way....

including being free and open with my beliefs, and my open-ness to DIFFERENCE.

there's something about 'aging', or 'mothering' or perhaps once again- the life that i am living NOW, where i am WAY less curious, and trusting of life's flow... and WAY more rigid, and anal and strict.

sigh....

but some peopel don't intend for Blaance, or even BELIEVE in it. They believe that included in Balance, is imbalance. They believe other humyns are inferior to them... or somehow ignore that their actions may VIOLATE basic rights of other humyns... exloit them as 'labour', exploit their 'land' their homeland, the earth they are connected with, generations and lives back.... humyns being killed exponentially faster, and more commonly, and consistently.... and at the hands of those with power.... ALWAYS.

This is such a hard system to live within, and depend upon.... hard MENTALLY.

and I TOO find myself way less curious these years...

altough im not racist/sexist/any of those overt awful intolerances- my CURIOSITY to anything BUT my own anti-racist/etc/etc belief system, i am way less tolerant of. Not curious, definitely intolerant.

this blog title, is what i used to aspire to be, and i guess STILL IS what i aspire to be.... calmly openly beautiuflly CURIOUS. knowing there ideally HAS GOT to be a balance in ALL THE DIVERSE difference in this whole world....

but is there?

in this present time of SUPER-challenge... COVID 19 sweeping across the world.... multiple murders of black humyns by COPS, racist fucking assholes, etc.... how on earth am i supposed to be peacefully calmly curious....of the balance in this awful expression of how we as humyns are balancing difference...??

we are not.

i am not.

but you know what, I am a humyn. it's hard. i am working with what i am IMMERSED and LIVING in and WITH, and WITHOUT.

ya win some, ya lose some... that's the way the cookie crumbles...

AND, don't ever fucking stop using your voice when it's right to do so. (mental note)

and your body, and your mind, and your heart, and your prayers, and your best....even if the best is not as it once was....

we can always INTEND for better. and hope and BELIEVE that better will follow...

insha'allah, ashe. with goddess pachamama to support the true good.

the queen of cups says so. mid-night WRITING session reflection.

every time i bleed, i am reminded I AM RAW WOMBYN

i wake up abruptly, blood!

i feel the blood, leaked out of my pad, onto the bed

up fast, pull up sheet, look to see if it went below base layer... pull off bloody sheets

look at clothes, nope- just pad.

Maybe i should have a shower.... yes. middle of the night, no kids awake- TIME AND SPACE, felt so sleepy going to sleep, and felt stinky dirty....rinse off bloody everything, have shower. FRESH....

before i fell asleep, PRE-blood flow leaking party for one, i pulled tarot cards. before tarot cards, my wonderful friend, boss of many years, womyn who drove me in labour to the hospital, 5 years ago plus one day....she called and reminded me to do something special, new moon, release, intend, ritualize it, make meaning.

i had lit a great beeswax candle (we had bought in our last hang together pre- COVID), and i pulled tarot cards. i'd say, this tarot process is a very personal, individual and unique process, each time. I chose one, it was one that really represents turmoil/conflict, within and around the person, 5 of Wands. I have pulled it another recent-ish time. I feel it's true.... i've got a couple levels of conflict/disagreement/mis-communication-allignment in my life. In my very sleepy state (i had almost forced myself to do 'something' to honour this 'new moon', i do not do enough spiritual anything these days/years, and since She had called, i needed to 'follow up' at least, she planted the seed. So i decided to pull again, with the thought that was in my head.....with all this conflict i keep feeling... what's the key? It was 'Queen of Cups'.

I used to pull that card repeatedly, like, i would not pull a card/any cards, for months, and i'd shuffle shuffle shuffle, pull the Queen of Cups. Repeatedly i pulled it, and the more i learned of her, i also learned that i quite identified to it/with it/her, i am quite similar to her qualities.  Within a period of life i did, So much so, that i was once gifted a LARGE card version of her, that was then placed on a wall of pictures and hold scriptures that i occasionallylook to, when I am looking IN.

But very recently, like within the last couple weeks/month, i covered it over.... with some writings from Dalai Lama, a piece of writing i really like that i picked up when i was IN india, and saw him in his monestary...

Because i hadn't seen the queen of cups before, i thought perhaps that i have moved on, she was an expression of 'that' time in my life, and i have moved on... i am no longer like her, she is of the past...

but today again she appeared, to say she is the 'key'- my words.

i have to do some deep reflection. i feel tears there, beneath the surface...of my brain. It is always so hard for me to let them out...the way i deal with my emotions, most certainly is part of my problem right now....

i think if the queen of cups can teach me anything right now... is that regardless of if i deal with emotions, healthily or not enough expression/working with them and their RAINBOW of anger/joy/SAD/love, or NOT at all, i believe, THEY EXIST, and they exist INTENSELY in her.

and they exist intensely in me, and i need to be able to feel and express them all, and i am NOT.

and that is the KEY to being able to work healthily with the conflict in my life and self right now.

the queen of cups says so.

parting wisdom nuggets:

• good job following my FLOW, and taking the moments to reflect, and WRITE. here was the moment, helped and guided by pachamama bloodflow womyn time Nature. WRITE.
• pay attention to ALL the signs, listen to them, pay attention to friends, good friends, and what they say and KNOW of you.
• Queen of cups- is actually still very much a part of you. you can't cover her up, she needs to be included in your guiding principles. what that means is- all those qualities that are said of her, that are in me... i cannot cover up, they are the key to me WORKING, moreso, LIVING with the challenges i am living with right now.... all the sense of conflict and anger and frustration.... in and around me in my life.... 3 levels- SELF, partnership, mothering my children and guiding them in their conflict

I uncovered the queen of cups, i put down my red sarong that for years has been my companion in travel and bloodflow.

SHe is me, I am her. I am my her-story. It is lovely and awesome. i have done so much, it is so profound. it needs to come with me, every day and moment. I have travelled in the world, i have paid attention. i need those lessons with me side-by-side. my mom is NOT here. but i am. and my friends are, and my guides are. but i HAVE to pay attention to them, or else i will not properly see the signs and wisdom that they can empart... that they have taught me. SPIRIT guides, FRIEND guides....

roots raw NATURE guiding me... in every moment/action/behaviour...in the middle of the night, blood flow, cleansing, writing, releasing....feeling, need to feel and release more.... but here i am....

NOW.... resting...<3 p="">