grieving the disconnect...

im mourning... i am grieving...

my disconnection from my blood family...

as i connect with my own personal blood.

what irony...

we are closer to that which we are the most intimate with.

my blood brother, father... my blood....

i hurt when i realize the connection i yearn for is not there... there is a gap...

but i still love them so much, i care so much... but i am at a loss of what to do.. how to deal with their pain, and my pain...

i feel like i am mourning... just sad.

of how we all are hurting... alone... like a creature bug, who has fallen over, and cannot get back up.

this is my dad... and i see it in myself... i know i just lay there... saying i have faith, trust in 'it' to guide me... the flow...

i think sometimes it is an excuse... like my dad.

to not be more directed in my life... more active.

he is isolated right now... he won't even say anything... as we all sit in our spaces, alone...

but, he doesn't even have full mobility... a stolen vehicle...isolates his limited physical-ly able body.

and i yearn for love in my life... for family, for connection... i yearn for it in a different city to my blood family...  yet while i am here in my city, i yearn for nature... yearning for something that is just not present.

alone... ish. i have love in my life, a man who nurtures a lot of my loving needs... i have a community-ish... of familiar faces, that often makes me smile, feel comfortable...

but yet in a city, just 2 hours away... sits my dad, in my childhood home... now disheveled, dust-covered.... fallen apart... wall paper peeling... abandoned laundry machines sit beside the same garbage bin from 30 years past.

and here i am... in my life here... wondering what i am doing...

especially when i am needed elsewhere...

but even though i am needed, will my help be accepted? and the pain will arise... from my lifetime... and stir it all up again... and im scared.

i am scared of more pain... and sorrow... i feel it so strongly just living here in this modern day.... separated from nature... yearning for it's truth...

i don't want to go back... i want to go back.

but i guess, i have no choice.

but.... i remind myself...

i do...

choose your own adventure...

you are already in the book...

keep it open...

and trust...

and turn the pages...

and breathe with them...

and remember your feelings, and remember your roots....

and remember truth... know it is true... and real...

remember to center yourself in your feelings... your pains, and frustrations, and confusions...

all that pain, sorrow... grieving the disconnect...

slowly... do not look at the time.

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

that i see,

when i look down, awaitedly...

at the toilet paper...

my period blood is less then 24 hours late...

in fact, it is a totally 'normal' amount of time, it is just under 29 days this time...

but normally for ME, it is around 27- 28 days... or so it has been consistently.

before i saw this subtle shade of orange... smoothly shining on that toilet paper...

i wondered... what if...

i wondered if all those times, in the past month... where i longed, YEARNED, for a baby...

did they come true.

i wondered...

i wonder and wish they did not, exactly...

i wonder if perhaps even though i wish for it to be true...

if i would follow through with the baby...

everyone who i know in my life... what would they do, react with...

and other friends... who would chastise me... because i knew, and wanted.... and then aborted?

looking down upon my 'ir-responsible-ness'...

is it irresponsible to want to fulfill my biological destiny?

is it wrong for me to completely FEEL my instinctual power of the earth take over...

release into the destiny of life...

is not this how and why we were ALL born???

and if i were to decide.... that the pressure of all around me... this world, society, culture... that maybe i could not handle it after all... because this just NOT is a culture... that supports the biological perfection and mysterious beauty of mama... pachamama....

it does not support and encourage to follow that this is NATURAL...

but i want to...

and sometimes... i completely and ab-soul-utely surrender to it... to the goddess-ness.... of natural-ness...

and i wonder, will... and WHEN will it happen... that i feel that natural cycle begin to complete itself within me...

and i pray for it often.... making me cry...

because i want it so bad...

but in the meantime...

since i know i i live here, in this world and culture... that reminds me of what i do not have... that i 'need' to have... to 'raise' a baby...

i am sad, because i know... i have everything...

i have been waiting...

the last almost 24 hours... wondering.... is it all happening... is now the time... not able to leave the house this morning... i need to be with myself as i await...

and here now...

that beautiful subtle creamy shade of orange appears....

and i know, the flow is about to come...

and i give thanks...

for not yet bringing a baby...

and for this cycle...

ending....

continuing again.

Where i come from...

Where i come from... is a place that kills and harms a lot... globally...

Where i come from... has power over the whole world.

Where i come from... is urban, and Babylon... and concrete jungle...

It is consumption, and shopping...

and development, and demolition...

it is traffic and traffic lights...

it is advertisements and brainwashing...


Where i want to SAY i come from... and where i know i sincerely DO come from...

is the earth.

the grass... the sun, the water.

the plants, the flower...

the soil, the clay...

the rainbows and rivers and butterflies and dragonflies and cats + owls + trees...


I come from all of that and SO much more.

I come from the Universe... from Pachamama, from the Creator, from Gaia...

i come from life, i go towards death.

I wish that, Where i come from... did not hurt all others... from Where I come from too.


Where do you come fromÉ