dec 17, 2018 ....i hate the system. i do.

(warning: super angry, totally disenchanted post….re. job search, dependence on childcare, and feeling bad about the whole shit-uation.)

I HATE THE SYSTEM.

That I am reliant upon, and feel that I NEED right now, for my sanity.

I hate that it is so hard to have children, to be in relation/partner-ship, and to be happy, to survive….to care for my children and stay mentally healthy… when I am so isolated, and lacking in support, and reliant upon a system that is just so warped.

So full of HAVE, and HAVE-NOTS. Like how are we supposed to get ahead. I had 2 months really to work at my own pace, taking employment workshop courses, and figure out how to apply to jobs, (that are ‘suitable’ for my education level, and interests.), then apply to them. I built up my beliefs in my abilities, figured out how to express that via words applying to job postings) and then landing interview(s).

I didn’t get yet ANOTHER  job today, I got denied, post interview process…..after waiting patiently for a response, and then getting a short response…. Denial.

I know that is the process…. You have to expect NOT getting all the jobs you apply to and for.

I really don’t like the process… I have said HATE already….(a word i know i don't want to say or feel, a word and sentiment that actually is awful and ugly)

I do feel hate for the whole process…it’s making me feel really angry, unhappy, sad, un-faith-full. As in, NOT full of faith.     

                    

And I know that it is actually part of a systemic problem, that keeps folks in lover income class, IN lower income class. How am I supposed to step into a professional role, when we struggle to pay our rent., and buy all our basic needs.  How am I supposed to walk confidently and calmly into an interview process, when i ACTUALLY am desparate now. When my children’s daycare is receiving letters from the first month we are there, notifying them that our susbsidy is being withdrawn (at their own mistake), and then again within two months, notifying them that they basically should start looking for new kids to fill the spots (because I have not found full time employment/education).

That is a LOT of pressure, humilitiaion, embarrassment, pressure…. And desperation.

I am super hustling right now. No longer applying to those ‘suitable’ jobs anymore, they’re irrelevant right now, unless they fulfill my ‘daycare subsidy requirements.’ I need work FAST.

So I start to settle, for basic jobs….for minimum wage…. For mindless, non-challenging basic labour.

Cogs in the machine…. Moving that ‘wheel’ along, the same one that absolutely holds me captive, in this humiliating state.  One that leaves me bouncing around from confidence ‘I can do it’, to ‘I have to get ANY job now, or else my kids lose daycare and I am back to square one’….etc. NOT a confident good feeling place.

It’s not easy, I HATE the system…I have for many years. Some people will read that/this, and just not get me, not identify with what I am saying here… too political, too ‘angry’, un-real….

Other folks in my orbits will GET where I am at. Get the challenges I am experiencing, the role I am in… and ALL the fucked up systemic levels/angles/positions/POWER involved in keeping me and WAY TOO MANY OTHERs in these roles.  And yet STILL being RELIANT upon this capitalist system, that actually doesn’t care about us folks down here on the bottom level, receiving daycare subsidy…. We just fuel the upper class to make more money, get ahead, and then hold on tight to that money…. Pass it on to their next generations….

Meanwhile, I am trying to get ahead, and just can’t…. not enough time, energy, support…. Means… etc.

I know I am not alone in this moment and seeming reality. I know I am not alone in so many of my experiences… I just know it. I know it could be so much worse… which actually just makes me feel worse about the whole fucking situation….

I just hate the system…. It’s not right, or just. I hate being part of a corrupt system. I actually hate it, and feel so frustrated….

And that is trickling down through me right now….

And it feels awful.

And I feel all this, I do.

And although it is ALL ugly and not-nice feelings/expressions/etc…. I feel the need to just feel it, and be honest about it…. Release and express it.

It doesn’t even feel better, and now I feel more embarrassed that I have actually expressed these things OUTSIDE of my internal mind, and physical body…

But fuck that shit. It’s where I am at. I am having a hard time….

Too much pressure….

I was trying to level up… and the system SMACKED that down fast…. Don’t get too excited and happy, believing in possibilities… I don’t think so…. Back down you go.

Honestly….

Santa Clause Parade Miracle (November 18, 2018)

So, with kids, and attempted naps….if you can believe it, WE MISSED THE PARADE L

Kids have never seen the santa clause parade, and they totally are the right age to enjoy big parades and festivities.  

Montana and Yemaya are being raised to enjoy the whole ‘santa clause’ Christmas phenomenon…. Although I was never raised with that J

They also will grow up lighting channukah candles and celebrating channukah, and singing some of those songs, and eating latkes and cookies, like Mama did growing up <3 o:p="">

So today, we did a ttc-public transport mission to try and catch the parade, we thought it moved slower than it did….so after a bit of chasing, we got to the end of the parade route….and were told by family passer by-ers…. We just missed it L SUCH a shame!!!!

So although sad, I tried to just sort of pass over the whole reality of that, and just got really excited with the few remaining celebration festivities we saw…. ‘look, a funny costume, look, beautiful lights on trees, look at all that colourful confetti on the ground leftover, yaaaaay J’. And then we continued with the exciting sweet treat part of the parade plan…. We went and had hot sweet chocolate J

It was still a special adventure, and it was nice and kids were happy J

We figured out where we were to catch the bus home, and we walked, at our kid sleepy-pace, and headed towards the bus stop.

While getting to a main road, with a big stoplight….we heard the big beeping sounds of the police vehicles, and right before us… WERE THE PARADE FLOATS!!!!

!!!

They were cleared of people at this point, and it was moving traffic-speed fast….but right before our eyes, WAS THE ENTIRE PARADE….float after float of big exciting Christmas-y and winter-y creatures and gingerbread houses and penguins and bears, etc etc….

Front row standing room, no one in front of us to block any views J

and our excitement was HUGE that it was happening, and that we didn’t even miss it!!!

What a beautiful  story, universe TOTALLY came through for us here, and as usual, restores my faith in just TRUSTING and feeling positive, and moving along….keeping going….it’s all good. And look what happens…. You just never know….

And here we were, accepting we missed it, still trying to keep positive and light and happy and having a good time with good memories, and there before us… THE ENTIRE PARADE J

Minus Santa ;)

So now we are at home, and the kids are all talking about ‘santa’ ;)

I am just talking about Santa, like he’s a happy jolly guy that really loves Christmas, I’m definitely not gonna play up like he’s a ‘real being delivering gifts’ but he’s a great story and character to be excited about…. Especially in this culture that just loves to celebrate and spread his (capitalistically fuelled) story J

And in terms of the whole ‘christmas spirit’, well, this was a beautiful start and our faith and joy for the season is absolutely present. Mine certainly is…. And I think the kids feel that as well J

What a successful ‘santa clause parade adventure’ after all!

Memories of Teachers (Nov 16, 2018)

Recently, as I ride the waves of ‘job searching’… little moments of my past re-appear in my memory, and images of folks who have been present in my life along the way come into my heart, and I get to reflect on something special…. Someone special. MANY someone’s.

There are people, close sisters, or folks that I shared vulnerabilities with, in different times and places in the world…. I remember them, I remember, almost vividly-on my body- WHAT they taught me.

I think of this crew of monks, from Myanmar, that I hung out with in India, for a period of a couple of months I think.  They were my first teachers of Buddhism, really the first insight I received of this nature.  And still to this day, one of the most simple teachings- that they taught me with their ACTIONS, comes back to me almost daily.

I YEARN to actually practice it completely, but I ALWAYS have it to come back to, re-appearing for me to keep me in the RIGHT place.

DO GOOD, DO NOT DO BAD, KEEP YOUR MIND CLEAN.

Try/practice non-harmful thinking, and actions, and feelings.

Then seeing Thich Nhat Hanh, doing morning walking meditations, and listening to his speeches…. Those added to the lessons years later…

Through and through, Thich Nhat Hanh LIVES his beliefs.  In a place and time of war and injustice, he not only WAS peaceful, he ‘PREACHED’ peace. And he still does, to this day. Probably Millions of folks have followed in his footsteps, because of his TRUE practice in peace.

Why do we do things in-authentically?

I have so many possible answers to that question ;)

I know one of the answers, is that humyns are influencable creatures.  We are largely socialized. Our CORES are US. They/We are unique at our ROOTS, in our CORE FOUNDATIONS, we are our own special selves.

But we are very quickly influenced, and susceptible to what we are taught/socialized/influenced by/immersed in. 

At his core, I believe Thich Nhat Hanh, so firmly has been rooted in Peace.  Many amazing folks are amazingly rooted in beautiful peaceful caring principles- across religions/philosophies/countries. You can always find amazing people.

ALSO, many of us get swayed and influenced (myself included!), and there have always people who CAPITALIZE on this special vulnerability of Humyn-nature- that we are influence-able.

 

And it’s hard to sort through, ‘how to be’ when there are all these factors that influence us.

I KNOW, I need to ‘do good, do not do bad, keep my mind clean’….yet I have to survive, do what feels ethical, within the confines of my LIFE, with twin children, family and partner … and I will just say the biggest most massive is society/culture/capitalism/the social environment in which I am SO enmeshed in.

So these friends, these memories of really wonderful humyns in my life. Moreso these folks in recent years, who have been these supportive positive sparkly presences, reminding me of these beliefs I worked so hard to SHIFT and integrate into myself, about how to live good… these really important ethics I know exist in me, when I am able to tap back into them, and live them a little bit more fully.

I find it comes in waves it’s true (like a sweet sister recently spoke of)… the waves of being able to really be present with all my knowledge and strengths and positive GOOD ways of living, in my steps and interactions with fellow humyns in all my areas of life. 

SOMETIMES, I do good, I do not do bad, and I keep my mind clean.

THIS is certainly the goal these days.

And THIS is the goal as I look for work, and imagine days in the future.

Imagine in my mind, as I remember in my mind too…. All these great folks I crossed paths with, who were truly kind… or at least PRACTICED trying to be.

I give thanks for all them, as these days, they really keep me going...

And I give thanks for Universe/Creation/Pachamama too. For these experiences I've lived, and these insights to remember.

OUTFITS (November 6, 2018)

I wore many outfits today.

Packing kids to go, french toast making mama outfit.

Which was also a sweet walk in the rain to a delicious yoga class session outfit....

Then I switched my pants to make it more of a professional going to talk to previous boss to be my future job-reference outfit.

That turned Into a pick up my twin kids n take them home on public transportation outfit.

This outfit got a bit dirty, because it turned into a floury pizza- making outfit-with with my kids from purchased-dough scratch ...SO delicious.

 

Second last outfit was....a super diva brown/yellow/black-collared retro dress with a nice flowy skirt... because I'm going to a play with Some fantastic diva mother's....a play called ‘secret life of a mother’ - honouring all of us MOTHERS.  I felt it’s a great reason to dress myself up in a fancy outfit. I, as mother, deserve to dress up, and be honoured for my breathtaking beauty (that secret be told, has nothing to do with my outfit ;) )....but can still Be expressed so.

Final late night outfit…. Was comfy pajama outfit. After going into my babies bedroom, and covering them up and give them little kissies. Then I made sure the kitchen was to my liking, because I am on breakfast patrol in the morning, and I know after a diva long day like that, I wouldn’t be as sharp in the morning.

All those little pieces of my life right now, the changing of the hats, and styles and ROLES are very reflective of this time.

I am a Mom of twins, I am also trying to step into professional role, and independent womyn, and humyn. All require different outfits of expression, even if they really don’t matter. Which they don’t.  

Describing my outfits is just a way to tell my story…. I do believe that is true of humyns around the world…. Aren’t we beautiful <3 span="">

Life of a Mother- October 16 2018

I could have written a million pieces of writing and just straight-up titled it THIS J

It is ALWAYS changing….this role.

Today’s day of ‘being a mother’ goes like this.

It’s actually ‘national childcare worker appreciation day’, so I have learned.

I bought all our rooms folks a bar of chocolate, because lord-ess knows, being a mother, and one of twins, I have RELIED upon chocolate to fuel myself.

So I came into the daycare today ACTUALLY with a bit of honouring for those womyn who I have only known minimally for a few weeks not quite, but I certainly FULL-PRECIATE.

I left as usual…. This is week number 3, so this is a fairly recent ‘normal’, this walking in and just LEAVING my kids and going about in the world….hands-free.

My plans today included yoga, job search time, and college course homework time in the library (along with picking up some new books for my kids obviously).  I then had a coffee lined up with a person in an organization I am interested in working in (social/humyn service and support), and then an interview for another more basic job, more of a work-for-money job(still good ethics, an organic local restaurant kitchen role).  

Then I was to pick up my kids for daycare… and then my role as MAMA kicks in.

Snacks, Dinner, activities at home…. Bedtime, laundry, prepare for tomorrow’s breakfast, clothes, bags, etc.

It’s a long day…. It’s a busy day….

Days full of trying to evolve a bit, maintain balance in my Mama-dom…  acquire actually more of a better healthier balance in that role. Hence, utilizing the daycare service to actually benefit ALL of our lives. Body mind Spirit of us all. 

All those parts CONSTANTLY need to be nourished, and I need to constantly be ‘levelling’ up to properly do so.

This daycare situation has allowed me to start/finish a whole bunch of work on myself and all my ‘parts’, so that I can excel a bit better at being mama. I am generally noticing a difference, taking better care of myself for SURE, and thus am more calm and balanced more often with my kids…. And that actually is the most important. I mean, of course I am, SUNNI I mean….but once you become a mom…. Ideally is that you are doing everything for them, ultimately (even if that includes caretaking of YOUR SELF… it’s still for them ;) )

SO, this explains the life of a mother… ALL those plans…

Until i received a phone call that my kids are BOTH puking- Multiple times for one of them…. And everything mama/future/levelling-up oriented…. OUT THA WINDOW.

And I need to chug that nice hot coffee that just graced my presence, take some deep breathes, and mentally prepare for a subway (including an inaccessible station with tons of stairs!) and a bus ride home with two ill, weak-energied kids, potentially who will puke en route.

AND I have to keep it all together and smooth and easy…. And be prepared to carry them and it all on my back. AND then nurture them and their bodies, minds, spirits, souls, hearts, needs when we get home.

No yoga/job-exploration/interview/homework time for me today…

I just got a few minutes in calm peace….with a few sips of hot coffee in a real mug J

And a conversation with the mama who works at the café, asking about how my guys are adjusting to daycare, with a mama-to-mama moment supporting each other….

Just because… that’s what mama’s do <3 o:p="">

p.s. Shout out to ALL the mama’s around the world… HONESTLY….I ALWAYS knew I respected womyn and mama’s, but never really got it. LET me tell you…. Walking down those million stairs in the subway (carrying one child, and holding on the other’s weak hand), I actually was saying to myself, out loud….’i am a super womyn, mama, AND I am a mama of twins’…I was smiling…. I needed to give myself some love in that moment to BE a super mama…. As I was ACTUALLY being that super mama… Much respect to us all.

p.p.s. shout outs to the daddy’s who support us all in our SUPER-MAMA wombyn ROLES… it’s not easy being a parent or a humyn in this messed up-ethic-ed society… so shout of to my kids father in supporting me in this process, and taking care of our kids with genuine love. We are trying our best…

First Week of Daycare Reflections- October 2018

Second day daycare- what does it all mean? How do I feel about it, micro, macro…I, as Mom…. From my perspective… what about this sacred transition, what does it mean for us ALL?… THIS is what I want to focus on in this moment.

How it feels…

It feels like… i feel proud of them. I feel really in love with them, that I can watch them go through this very big shift AWAY from me. That they can enjoy and follow their flow… that they love us so much…and that Montana’s story of the first day mostly was about ‘how mommy and daddy dropped us off, and then, how he saw us peeking through the door and we picked him up’. 

We are their world, a lot of it… but now, and soon, their world, and world of caregivers and CARE, is getting bigger…..sadly, they haven’t had many consistent OTHER caregivers. …not so sadly, he has ME, his mom. Sadly, as time went on… aka now-ish…. I got pretty burnt out, and started losing my temper, in ways that I am just not proud of… but since I am an intelligent womyn, I can see HOW that happened. When humyns are not supported by, or moreso immersed in, community and family…. Support…. We cannot be our best/better selves/humyns…. It is hard, it just is.

So as I leave, and talk to them about it all at home…. They are starting to understand now what this ‘day care’ actually is. It means they have to say good bye to their mom for a big chunk, and they do get side-tracked by great care and fun and activities….but I am not with them anymore all day every day…. Doting on them… feeding them their every bite…. Watching them in their every step… catching them in their every fall, tending to their wounds…. Cuddling them kissing them….

I haven’t even left them yet to do naptime…. I will likely tomorrow or the next day…. One day at a time… and not doing naptime with them (although it has become one of the more frustration-triggering experiences of our day, so I know it needs to shift and evolve into something different)….it still is an extremely sacred period we have shared 99% of their days of their lives….

I remember when they were so little…. And I would breastfeed them to sleep in a certain corner, in a certain bed formation, with I am sure a certain pillow-support-set-up….and those moments would be RELIEF… for us all. Naptime, together.

I know all of their faces…. Intimately. I know them all…. I know when they are falling asleep, I know what their general little teeny expressions/breaths mean. I know the window of time that they will STAY asleep in, or wake up…. I can’t put all the little teeny bits I know about these two humyns into words… I just can’t. I know so many things about them….

I am so sad about leaving them….

AND…. I already saw yesterday (first day!) in Yemaya how good it is for her. And how much she is going to love it.  For Montana it is harder.  They are just different humyns with different personalities…. But I believe (as my wise friends remind me) that it will make my relationship with him, my time with him…. All the more ‘yummy’.   I still have to/am going to be PARENT…. These guys were in MY BODY’S BELLY for their origins. I AM their foundation and roots.  I connect them back to earth…. And I always will. They know me, and they will always hear me speak of pachamama….and how we must take care of her. (And I hope that that can grow more active and true as time goes on, and I get this chance now to evolve again….)  But my little Montana creature, is surprisingly more attached to me. I think for a long while he was more attached to Terell, but it has swapped again recently.  Which is fine and good…. Ebbs and flows…. Both kids need both of us, and it is OUR responsibility as parents to RECOGNIZE when we need to do what is best for our kids. And I recognized in myself, that I needed a break, I needed space, I needed to become a better version of sunni again. And this is what I intend to do.

October 3/4/5 2018

Passing off MY kids to OTHER humyns to do the bulk of the day’s work in caring for them… such a bizarre concept and TOTALLY reflective of the time we are in.  Let me reflect how my micro experience reflects the MACRO system.

I’ve been zooming around the last few days…. Appointment to appointment to errand to conversation date…. Counselling, new-mama date, INTERVIEW, employment counselling and workshop, GROCERIES, laundry…. And now with no nap, and ALSO picking up super charged/stimulated/evolving kids, and getting home J To make dinner for everyone, and prepare for the next very early morning making sure everyone is fed a solid morning meal, and hopefully gets a chance to poop and brush their teeth and is wearing proper clothing that will last the day AND I will have a wholesome snack and hydration ready to go for PICK-up J

THAT’S how it’s been for me.

There are these (Womyn) humyns there, at this ‘daycare’, that actually have been in their own way- LOVING up my children…well they have been substituting my LOVE for them, but /and doing it their own way… in a paid job kind of way…. But in a consistent healthy positive teaching nurturing supporting-kids-natural-interests kind of way.  It is DEFINTIELY what my guys need and deserve right now, and they are getting it. And they have done really quite well, like super quite well.

Today Montana and I agreed that I was going to hug him when we got there… he asked me for a hug, and we had a proper quality hug… and then he was sort of ready to move along after that. But it was really important to follow through with what we planned, for him, and for his comfort.  We speak about how the day will go, and what ‘pick-up’ will look like, and when.

Yesterday I had a hard internal mama day… feeling pretty sad internally, bad/guilty…. That I am leaving my kids now. That I am not taking care of them anymore. Guilty…. But you know what, I know with my MIND part, that this is good.

But when I explore my bigger mind part… the part that can see the broad social picture…. I guess this is my sociologist/slightly-pessimistical-political  mind that is speaking now…. I see the greater picture too. Here I am, passing my kids off to the system, where they will then learn to conform. To listen and follow and behave accordingly. And that IS actually what is happening, and I am choosing that.

Because they are being raised here, in (Babylon) capitalist society.  I am here now, COMPLETELY relying upon the system, and I am RIGHT attached and reliant upon it now. Any money I make, any changes I make, any assets I acquire, any change of address or contact information or network changes…. I must report now to multiple people, in governing agencies.

No free flowing movement, no anonymity.  NO quick moves, no slight wrongdoings… everything is transparent to do a quick ‘search’, and I am linked to all my family and our numbered and historical details.

It’s just weird. Our lives never used to be this ‘infiltrated’, all this monitoring and all this LACK of privacy, independence…. Now it is RELIANCE upon, APPROVAL, RECORDS… within a system.  That is ACTUALLY at this point GOVERNED by people that REALLY don’t care about our very special INDIVIDUAL needs. Or beliefs….

These little teeny MILLIONS of special idiosyncrasies that make up each humyn.

This week, the ‘teachers’ over at daycare have been learning these special little unique qualities of my little beautiful interesting children…Montana and Yemaya.

ON a micro level, us humyns always do well…. Well mostly often.   We constantly try to adapt, to find some kind of place of homeostasis within the environment that we are in, considering all that we may have, or have not.  We try to do our best, we DO need support though.  We need the community and extra hands and eyes…to help raise the little people.  They are so ENERGY consuming by ourselves.  This is how it came to be that my guys ended up at daycare (and how so many of our children do!).  We need help, we humyns cannot do it alone. We *can*, but it’s really freaking hard.

But we try to do our best, and then the ‘system can help’….but, the system is designed and based on a ‘capitalist’ system, including haves and have-not-as-much… it depends on/ humyns live within international slave labour and prison industrialist complex models. It relies upon there being lower level workers ( in the case of prisons-this is acceptably controllable labour), and the wealthier  folks CAPITALIZING on these  folks physical labour. 

All of us folks here who have minimal help, but NEED help… we then need to turn to the system for it, then become deeply intertwined with and reliant upon it to survive, because it is supporting us, so we need to support it back. But we are not controlling it, it is controlling us…

Some folks may follow this logic, and not agree, but I am sure if you ask let’s say 99% of us folks here living in this here world, it is not an easy (or safe) life, and most of us are indebted to the system, and thus TRULY have limited ‘power’ and perhaps even autonomy. 

Here I am, job searching…. Looking to get something that pays the childcare bills, so I don’t have to look after MY OWN CHILDREN J (cue the guilt….).  It buys me ‘sanity’, it pays the pretty awesome daycare (mostly womyn, likely just above or at minimum wage), it teaches my kids a bit more about how to CONFORM within the system they are being shaped to fit into….because clearly their mother is not SUPER supportive of it J

Irony.

I give thanks to Pachamama, for my kids. I give thanks to Pachamama for offering me this headspace to write and reflect. I give thanks to Pachamama/universe/god/jah/nature/creation/UNIVERSE…. For the time to look for a JOB to now ALSO become devoted to… that HOPEFULY will be as WHOLESOME and real and nourishing and honest, and evolutionary an perhaps even a little bit REVOLUTIONARY…because lord-ess knows… we and the SYSTEM certainly needs it.

We have got to get back in harmony with what the kids teach us…

Basics… eat, sleep, love, patience, peeing/pooing, cleanliness and health… curiosity and honouring the present beautiful special moments….

no longer in my prime

i am no longer in my prime....

what has made me think this... as i listen to some beautiful indian prayer music...i reflect on a past relationship, where i believe i was in a pretty 'prime' place in life...

and now i do not feel that i am anymore... :)

sounds pretty downer... perhaps it is, perhaps i am....

but i mean, there was a time, when i was going out all night, where i could dance and play and frolick in costume and dance through streets and aisles and laugh and smile....

freely, abundantly.... at my own leisure.... in my costumes of choice...

now i am preparing to 'conform' :)

i have many of those yearnings still... but i have 'curbed' them a bit.

i hear these beautiful sounds from around the world.... on my favourite radio shows... and when i am able to be in this indulgent moment, to just listen and enjoy them with NO interruptions...

i remember and recall... all those sounds and smells and faiths and colours and cultures and sounds....

such diversity of everything around the world... and yet here in canada toronto... my life... we and I are so limited...

yes there are plentitudes of 'cultural events' that are AMAZING, but ONE- i cannot participate in most of those for too many reasons... and TWO- they are moments, and they are snapshots... but they are not such full encapsulating experiences like BEING IN another place...where those sounds and smells and patterns and movements and prayers and WAYS are surround sound and full-sensual-immersions and moreso, REALITIES.

I  was talking to my kids the other day...which is STILL my full-time job, so may i remind you they are also almost my 'co-workers'...they are certainly my main company.... sigh....

but i was talking to them, telling them where all my tattoos and piercings are from.... india, belize, ethiopia, australia....canada....

i have been to all those places, and have special meaningful real messages and marks on my body to NEVER forget... i have been there, i have done that.

i feel like i have been in denial of all these amazing experiences i have done, as if they do not have a place in my life anymore. which is totally absurd, because all of these adventures are (some of) the main ingredients in which my life has been formed out of....

formed, evolved, fragmented, nourished by....somewhat forgotten... back-burnered....slightly denied or squashed.... not given attention to, or not honouring as it all should be.

i should be PURE proud of it all... ALL... even the past-lover parts, and the dangerous/silly/'irresponsible' parts...100%

...

so i sit here... listening to the radio, this amazing french show that really showcases world/cross-genre and time music.... and just flow along following different memories and feelings and sounds...remembering, feeling....

i have done a lot. I am no longer in my 'prime'. i am no longer that solo free womyn frolicking....

this makes me sad sometimes/often.... because it has been the  meaning i have GROWN to attach to my life.

my mom died wheni was a kid, my hair fell out...i learned to teach myself what was important, who to listen to, what to pay attention to...and for many years i just let SOUL stuff lead....

that was when i was 'in my prime'....for that whole shifting into SUNNI RAINBOW ROCHELLE...from beautiful rochelle elise jacobs.... goddess rest my soul ;)

into the present me sunni rainbow rochelle....

who hangs out now with kids in costumes at sunset on playgrounds feeding her babies that she loves so muhc little oranges.... crying just a little bit at how much i love them.

(tho i am sure moments/days before and after do and will i feel so stressed and frustrated at how HARD it has been to raise them)

i am just no longer in my prime....

but perhaps i can evolve back towards a different expression of 'prime'. i guess prime generally is 'all the ideal things'....

but haven't my ideals changed? so much of my brain power in actuality is centred around MY KIDS....

i guess that will all change, in approximately 36 hours actually... when they go to daycare, and that transition happens eventually... and then, a big bulk of my headspace is NO LONGER devoted to CARE for them...

then perhaps i get to visit with myself again, for some interesting extended periods of time.... see what i like again, in a really true comfortable way... or ways that i feel comfortable expanding my 'boundaries' in/out of... some of those boundaries are up for reasons perhaps i just don't like anymore...

and once i have my independence a bit more available....

who will i become?

SCREW prime, SCREW those ideas.... NEVER forget those amazing parts of MY HERSTORY.

i did all that...

i give thanks to ALL the circumstances that made that all happen (thanks namely to pachamama, and all her creations, and the people who are NOT assholes that harm others just to get ahead, and may i PLEASE make better decisions moving forward to be more conscious of this and that.... there are too many DESERVING folks in the UNIVERSE who just deserve WAY more ease than they have, and MY privilege absolutely plays a role in their challenging positions.... i would like to EVERY DAY remember that more. and i GENUINELY wish for my kids to find their own relationship with being TRULY conscious of this too.)

i wonder if one day again i will be able to travel. be able to perhaps get something marked on my body from the rest of the continents... where am i lacking.... south america, europe, antarctica. i have been to the former two, just didn't get 'marked'.

these can be dreams.... for now... as i listen.... just dream....

until i die, i will feel... and i will listen...

and now i will try my best (need to do BETTER)...To impart this knowledge to my kids too. these feelings and LISTENING... with all our senses....

to pachamama sounds and reminders....

prime is a ridiculous concept anyways to pachamama....mother earth jah creation god universe

it's all relative....and sacred actually.

...

Who's to Blame?': Danforth Shootings and Deaths.

I am hardly in mourning, compared to the folks who really grew up there... who experience the Danforth ACTUALLY as their backyard...for generations.

 but i tell you honestly, as soon as i came close to the area in which 14 people had been shot, and 2 died....less than 24 hours before.... the tears naturally came...

i was totally just consumed with so many awful feelings...

it's hard to put my thoughts into feelings... i was thankful to have found a friend to walk that street with... to cry those moments with...

as i saw many people walking down the street solo... and i realized how sadly accurate that is, reflective of where we are ALL at.... and what YET AGAIN has brought us to such an 'occurrence'. ANOTHER mass killing rampage....

the guy stopped and TOTALLY consciously shot all those people.... dead.

why, are ALL, these GUYS... killing people?

i am NOT blaming GUYS... but i am highlighting that it is them.

i AM blaming patriarchy, i am blaming capitalism.

i am blaming the greed....the entitlement.... the anger and frustration.... and not being able to release it properly... so THEY take it all out... ON OTHERS.

we all do... we all internalize the unhealthy 'ideals', the unhealthy TEACHINGS of capitalism in different ways... we care too much about useless things, like what we look like, what we have/don't have.

We compare too much, to others...instead of working together. instead of living together, instead of living in community together...encountering the same challenges of the natural environment we were destined to ACTUALLY live in... not live OFF of, in an exploitative way.

Which brings me to a really strong point... this horrible tragedy, that made me cry today, and will make me cry over the next days.... this is NOT an isolated one-off massacre. There are more of these types of FUCKED-up phenomenons happening, in our big developed 'modern' cities.

and you know what else? THESE occurrences, where a ton of people get SHOT, and KILLED... happens all over the world...to way less privileged and SAFE folks than us who live up near the Danforth, Toronto, Canada.

a big difference is... today, less than 24 hours later...we have MUCH freedom/safety/power/privileged/ability/space/money freedom to be back walking on these same streets.... having drinks and coffees with our friends....

less laughter, much less....

somber mostly, sad... lots of stopping, and staring... at the places that we heard that 'this was a spot'... where the shots happened... where the video we saw of him shooting- may have been filmed.

for some and maybe many... it was way more traumatizing tonight. maybe it was their backyard.

maybe that old man i saw with the beautiful and very very sad blue eyes today....he looked so sad...i think he must have seen something....a lot of those old folks around...i think some of them walk that street every evening... and many all day too...

something like this has never happened to them here...in their entire lives.

they didn't deserve it.

no one did...no one ever does.

no one ever deserves to be shot.... or raped/killed/exploited/stolen from/inhabited/colonized.

don't you see? it is all connected.

our messed up culture of greed has got to end (as is said in a song i love called amerimakka)

the more we continue with philosophies of 'mine' and 'protect myself; and 'capitalizing', the more all this DESTRUCTION will continue... our priorities are just in the wrong places...

something happened while standing with a bunch of others... there was a large plywood-wall in front of a storefront, that was being spray-painted on, and written on- 'Danforth Strong' in mourning. It was a spot we thankfully were able to congregate, in our modern indirectly social way... we could stop, look, write.... it was a way to FEEL all our feelings, beside folks... we could stop, and share in moments...and just FEEL...it was a socially acceptable place to stop... here, now....

the Danforth, and that spot... really feeling a bit surreal, a bit calm...a bit reflective....

then there was a fast movement,a man running across the street shouting at something.... shocking because although there were cars driving on the danforth now, and a slight sense of 'general day-to-day'...the feeling street level was just different...

but do you know why he was running? HE WAS GETTING A PARKING TICKET. a fucking parking ticket... ON the Danforh, where less than 24 hours ago, 14 people were shot, and some killed.

this man, was probably fucking IN mourning... as we all were, who walked up there, to be present, to witness, to validate this reality that happened to these folks, and this community...

what if, these folks, who were getting parking tickets... were the parents of a child, who was shot yesterday...?

HOW ON EARTH, does babylon/CAPITALIST/money-power-greedy system ACTUALLY ticket people ON this street, at this time?

it was shocking, and sad, and shamefully humorous... like, i was not surprised... i was, but i was not.

they still ticket people...

didn't someone in that department realize that was just ETHICALLY not the kind of energy to put forth into the world, THAT little snippet of the world today... did someone ACTUALLY give the go-ahead, to put some staff out there, on that stretch tonight, TO TICKET?

*deep breathe* out...

we, our society, is breeding folks who kill people... we are doing this. we participate in it in all the ways that the system works... on the backs of others.

our clothes, our food...our money, our power...

it's shameful.

and i have hardly talked about the race/gender/religious/etc stories/assumptions that are inevitably going to be coming out as the story and identity of the shooter-man unfolds....

i am just talking about what brought HIM here, what has brought us here...

and how sad it is...

how sad i am...

how sad this neighborhood is, the one that i am a baby in- only 2 years living here....the one my babies have grown up in now...

how sad the families are of the people shot and killed last night, just over 24 hours ago now...

and how sad it is, that we know of so many parts of the world, where people are dying JUST LIKE THIS, and SO SO so so so so much worse...

and yet we still let it happen... keep having our drinks, our strolls....keep getting our tickets...

who's to blame?

for the people...

Trying not to cry….instead I will write.

There are 2 or maybe 3 things I should actually ALWAYS do when I feel too many feelings, I am having a hard time keeping under wraps…

Write, Hula Hoop…. Yoga…. And really simple easy accessible ones…. Breathe. A deep breathe in and out…. Or dance and laugh… (because most of the time I can’t *really* do the writing or hula hooping or proper yoga these days…. Because, well… I am a MOM of TWINS!!! J

Keeping focused now… on that number one= WRITING.

I just received a package in the mail, unexpected… super genuine meaningful life-long meaning package.

A class that I was supposed to attend tonight was cancelled… AND it’s a full moon… AND I just picked up this unexpected package thankfully now…

Universal Alignment.

A chance to write… with this fertile fertilizer to work with… this meaningful package….

Veda and her Husband Guy are from a small town outside London Ontario, where i grew up.

Veda was my ‘social’ worker when my mom died… I think she was also my Mother’s. Her role definitely was to support me as my mom died… I was probably 6-8 years old for the time that Veda officially saw me.  And I am now 34 and she is sending me packages. She broke/found loopholes in rules to maintain this relationship with me… I give thanks.

That is most of my life… (and I am now holding back tears, as I am in a café, and I just overall don’t want to waste my precious free time crying ;) (I can do that in my day-to-day-life as I encounter frustrations within myself, as I raise my toddler twins ;), hopefully not in public for those moments either J…but I digress….again… )

Veda and I have really minimized our contact these last years, as I have moved into relationship- and mama-hood role.

I wish I was a person who stayed in better touch with the key folks in my life… but, alas, life/socializing/choice/life/I…. am not the best with that… this is some of my GUILT talking…

I have touched many humyns in this lifetime, in a good way… and there are many key humyns who have influenced me in mine… in good and profound ways. Short-terms, and not as many long-terms…

I am too much a product of my family/society… I don’t believe in it, but it’s how it is…impermanence… in solid foundational relationships too.

This Womyn, and her noble husband… are too many words to put into words ;)

Like all humyns, they have wonderful qualities, (and I am sure also more non-wonderful qualities that only those super intimate with them would know ;) ). But their wonderful qualities are truly wonderful…

I want to list all their accolades, those of which I only know a small portion of…. But I will just ‘use’ them  (lovingly) now, to reflect on special Goodnesses that ARE possible in humanity…

right now… they are my ‘food for thought’ in this sacred ‘writing’ moment…their kindness will be the contextual container for me to SIMULTANEOUSLY express my alternatively frustrated and sad feelings of the world in…

…

So I am gonna jump in… and I will link up the ‘Veda and Guy’ story…. afterwords…

…

I have been doing something that I generally don’t do… I have been reading the news recently, reading the mainstream media headlines online- about too much awfulness- that a large portion of the world is actually existing in… and it’s NOT safe for these people... They are dying and starving and being bombed and raped and killed.

My fellow humyns.

I have caught my kids in recent days saying… ‘only boys do this’, or something that is ‘blanketting’ based on gender.

My response is something like… ‘ all people are equal, we are all humyns, we all poop, we are all alive. No boys or girls can or can’t do this… we can all do everything if we want.’

How is it that my guys are so safe here (I give so much thanks!!!)…. But how? Honestly.

I feel  so sad and a bit sick… as I should… like, what the fuck….

There are too many locations or countries in the world that are totally isolated in their suffering… and their suffering is far greater than I will ever know…or am unlikely to at least…

And yet *I* FEEL isolated often here in my little east-end Toronto (no longer in my ex-neighbourhood of a decade Kensington Market!)…. Mama to twins, life so completely different than anything I have ever lived before.

…

As I was walking to my (unbeknownst to me) cancelled class, I walked by a mosque, it’s special rounded top, and colourful pointy tip… and behind it was the beautiful FULL moon….

I had a range of feelings inside me that cannot be put into words again…

Memories, locations, sounds, sensations…

I remember being in places around the world…. I remember a Muslim cemetery in Ethiopia… I remember hearing prayers in the middle of the night/early morning really… I remember full moons, all over the world…

I think of too many folks in Muslim-majority countries… just being slaughtered, decimated… genocide happening as the world ‘watches’… reports on it… it’s just a story I read from my super safe home, as I hold me children, as they fall asleep at my breast… warm, cozy, growing, safe…

I think of even these folks here… to be an ‘obvious’ Muslim humyn in Canada… being targeted, killed in their very own safe holy places… mosques just like this one… People ACTUALLY *hate* these folks…and they KILL them…

I honestly honour so many scarved- womyn or men in their (excuse my ignorant explanation…) special Islamic hats and gear…as I walk by them, a respectful moment, a wish for them…. I know it’s not easy for them just to BE themselves in many places they walk…. Why is that?

Why all of this inequality and harm and killing and death….. how is it allowed…. Why is it all happening…

I feel like I know the general basic answer, and hardly any of the specific facts… but I can tell you it has to do with all those ‘yucky’ ‘sinful’ qualities in humyns that we DO:

Greed, jealousy, fear…. Selfishness…

And bigger concepts (that come from all that)…

Patriarchy, Colonialism, Capitalism. Racism. Islamophobia, Homophobia…TOO many shameful ‘ism’s

It’s the system that we humyns have let ourselves fall into… and it is now a WORLD system….

There are beautiful nooks in every NOOK of this beautiful Pachamama globe, that still have these admirably genuine real cultures that are minimally affected by this infectious Capitalist mentality and POWER-imbalance…. BUT these beautiful places exist all over the still-present World…

This beauty and connection still exists WITHIN US, within us humyn’s… it is what keeps us alive, it is the spark that brings us LIFE… but it is the SEEING and knowing and loving and appreciating that- that is the KEY….

There are humyn’s that are still practicing with their original languages and food and earth and water practices… their rituals that connect them to their people past, and their land, and each other, and their stories….

But so many of these places and these people… and their lands… are being destroyed in the name of ‘development’… these beautiful bodies of water…. These beautiful forests… animals, HUMAN BEINGS…. Children- beautiful little ones…. The Womyn- these sacred womyn who grew these humyns inside them, who worked so hard to feed and GROW these children and families and partners… to keep them healthy and fed and clean…. These men…. Who were once young baby ones themselves… who had just as much potential to be WONDERFUL…. And so many are… but, too many of the MEN are in power… and too many of them are WHITE. And too many of them are WEALTHY.

And they just don’t know what they ACTUALLY are doing to the world and each other… to our FELLOW beings. And they actually do NOT even care. But yet…. If it was their mom/sister/son/brother…they would be as sick to their stomach/soul/everything….

WHAT are we doing to each other….

Deep breathe and break moment….

…

So, what am I getting at here… other than ranting and letting of some internal steam!!? J

The question of ‘What can I do?’… from ‘over here’…in my bubble…(let’s be honest….really…)

 I had my times in life, where I actively did more…

And now I am in a position, for a range of reasons, definitely all by choice, but some more ‘situational’ too… but still by choice… Could I do more? Yes…. I know people who DO… and I just honour them… so much…my respect is profound for the ‘living activists’…those who are devouted to the righteous ‘causes’ that deepest down I KNOW we should ALL be devoted to…they do it for US. (you beautiful righteous political activists!!!!!!)

There is SO much injustice here in this world…. It’s gross. It’s here…. All over my every footstep and neighbourhood… and city and culture and fricking country and land… It’s not even mine… YES, I was born here… but I do not truly have the original real connection to it.

And honestly, the native humyns, from this land (‘Canada’)… who really had the connection… the awfulness done to them, is  a whole additional set of feelings and words… many of the same as listed above…. But Residential Schools of the past, the disgusting religious Pathology that did that to them…. And the way the present disgusting Policing ways of culture now… killing them, too many REAL missing indigenous HUMYN womyn….

They, and their true history… hold the answers and the key to taking care of the awful-ness we humyns have done….

Those humyns with the power…. The ‘decision’ makers and policy-makers…

The ones who decide that building oil pipelines across sacred land is a good idea…. Or withholding aid or money to folks in famines in ‘war’-torn countries, or taking water from holy bodies of water to manufacture ANYTHING.

I HATE that I participate in it all…. HATE.

Arggg….

So, I see my rage coming through, I see my qualities of myself that don’t come out often, and it needs to be released… it needs to be worked with… like a clay…. Molded, worked with, and through…

Veda, gave me my first journal… she gave me this idea… of writing being an ‘outlet’ to my feelings.

My mom was dying… she gave me a nice little journal with a key, and a small floral-y pen… I can picture it in my head…

It is a gift to receive guidance from caring folks… it is a gift to have folks who can take care of you at different points in your life…

It is a gift to have folks who love you… who choose to care for you. Who reach out to you.

Who teach you about being good humyns.

They were good humyns… they still are good humyns.

And they are just humyns… not super-magical-heros… no ‘super-powers’…

But kind humble genuine humyns.

Receiving such an unexpected beautiful gift from them tonight…. Holds a lot of meaning and feelings.

They teach me AGAIN….

this package is full of the travel-emails I wrote from all over the world… big blabbers of words JUST like this ;)  full of insights from my experiences as I spent months in jungles and cities and temples and forests…. Touching rivers and oceans and deserts and creatures and fruits and foods and materials and smelling smells and seeing and hearings so many sights and sounds…

The rationale behind them sending me this package is so my kids can know who I was, pre-mama… so they have the tangible old-school paper copies of it J

I have so many moments as a mom…. Teeny moments where I recall something… there are so many ‘things’ to recall….

Veda and Guy are ALSO  passing these things on to me, so THEIR kids won’t have to ‘deal’ with these beautiful folders of THEIR memories…. They are thinking of THEIR kids… relieving them of the responsibility of dealing with THEIR attachments… it’s quite beautiful…. More teachings, about how to age consciously…. To ‘make’ peace, in all facets of your life… and yet also centred around your KIDS…selfless…

I thank Veda and Guy (Sincerely, I thank you.), and I thank all the folks who I do NOT properly stay in touch with in this lifetime at this point…

I only hope that I can integrate/re-integrate so much of the beauty of my past…. With my kids, and whatever my future holds…

May it be a future that somehow can fucking have a better effect on the gross injustices that my too-powerful society/skin-colour/country participates in every day in damage….

May my kids know that none of the ‘differences’ that make up boy/girl/race/ethnicity/insert all fucking annoying labels HERE…. May they know that REALLY, focusing on those just keeps our minds stuck in UN-important places…

The real places and moments… are the hugging of the trees, the noticing of the moon… the watching of the birds… and of taking care of each other…not just US, but like our HUMYN ‘each-others’….

Like the Pachamama-children-creation ‘each-other’…

And may I PLEASE be able to tap in more easily to my past lessons in this lifetime… from humyns such as Guy and Veda, and lands I have walked upon, and rituals that I have witnessed and FELT inside my being…

May I tap into those more often… to be a better mom…. So that my contribution to the NEXT generation not FUCK up this beautiful land that we actually ARE…. And maybe that they also do GOOD for it, and us.... and ALSO get to enjoy it too…

Sigh….

And may all the good energy created from writing this e-mail ALSO go towards all my brothers/sisters/non-categorized humyns EQUAL well-being.

There are too many people actually dying and being so harmed right now…. And that’s not right…

This is for them.

company of kids

i was cleaning up breakfast, and it was 'my turn' to eat

i usually eat after they do, so i eat their leftovers.... perhaps this is what womyn have done for centuries, something like this i am sure...

it is our job to feed them, and care for them, and also stretch food and money out, ALWAYS making sure their needs are met...

back to the story though... i spilt my WHOLE bowl of berries n oats all over the floor :(

both kids came into the kitchen after hearing my despair...they sat down on the stool together, and just kind of watched....

they just kept me company...

i was definitely initially frustrated...

ugggg.....SO frustrating....

but as i started cleaning... with my children watching over me...

ZERO judgement, pure calm empathy.... just child-like curiosity....

slightly mimicking my grumpy face....

as i worked away cleaning... i realized I needed to let it go...

so i encouraged us all to take a deep breathe...

in and out...

they were really susceptible to such suggestions at that time, as they were both calm (it's harder to take 'calming' deep breathes when we are ALL worked up... it certainly takes practice to 'pause, breathe, take a deep breathe in an out')

so we started breathing together, and i started calming...

then i added.... 'let's breathe in calm happy breathe... and let go of any frustrated or angry feelings'...

then we had big smiles of breathe coming in, and making funny sounds and mouth actions releasing our breaths...

by the time i was done breathing sillilly, i was also done cleaning... and was smiling.

all because they came down and sat beside me... being present with me.

so that 'anger frustration' feeling, just past through me....flowing like a nice river....in a beautiful jungle...

not all moments happen like this, there are MANY that don't...

but it certainly was a blessing in those moments, i definitely NOTICED it happening as it happened, and totally was appreciative of my kids abilities to teach me a simple lesson...

or by BEING allowing ME to remember an often forgotten ability...

with their sweet curious company <3 p="">
i give thanks.

OBJECTS, stuff, PILES...and attachment.

you know....

i have attachments to lots of things...

i wonder if i had more time, and space, and support.... if i would find it in myself to 'let go' of lots of it.

i certianly was raised with 'attachments' to too many objects... with a 'just in case' mentality... especially if things are 'free' or 'good deals'.

but some of my 'attachments' have to do with sentimental/emotional value.

i have too many things i have held onto from my childhood, things that 'my mom chose'... or things that WERE my mom's.

but she died when i was not quite 8 yeaers old.

my intelligent side, understnads how i would have 'some' issues with letting go of things that i directly associate with my mom...

granted, i do have more than enough things that ARE hers, or related to her... but still.... if they are still functional or in good shape, i have a hard time 'rationalizing' just tossing them.

i was ALSO raised with 'reduce, reuse, recycle' mentality, and i recently saw 'repair' added... i like that too. I have that philosophy engrained in me too, and i GET it.

like, i LOVE this beautiful environment, this LAND, pachamama earth...

i wish i didn't buy as many 'new' things as i do these days... i never used to be like that... clothings swaps, finding/buying used furniture, etc.

'one man's trash is another one's treasure'

i lived that way for so many years, it's hard to just STOP living like that... i mean, i lived in a home that at one point was full of NEW, but my dad hardly replaced... that new stuff just collected dust, and depreciated.

you see, it was my mom who had the vision of all that new stuff.... or at least they did together... and once she died... he just was not interested in buying 'new'. i guess he lost the drive to 'care' about those kinds of things.

new and cool stopped being important to him, i guess that was more my mom.

and you know, i actually like that quality of my dad...i mean, really, who cares abotu new and cool??

yeah, you fit into 'society' more... but you also damage and fuck up the environment more... and honestly, that's just not cool either?!

i dunno...

i have too many objects and piles of stuff... i keep it semi-organized in my own ways...

but at THIS moment in life... it's annoying my partner, and i kind of get it, and i also get my own WAYS.

i have lots of speacial odds and ends, and they MEAN things to me...

and as my kids get bigger... hopefully i can share more with them, and then maybe then, once they've played with them and worn them all out... then i can let go of these objects...

or maybe they will want to hold on to some of these things... and then pass them on to their kids ;)

we will see what makes it till then... not much i imagine... but if these 'objects' help them to develop deeper meanings, and attachments... to beautiful memories and their ancestors.... let it be so...

<3 p="">