Second day daycare- what does it all mean? How do I feel
about it, micro, macro…I, as Mom…. From my perspective… what about this sacred
transition, what does it mean for us ALL?… THIS is what I want to focus on in
this moment.
How it feels…
It feels like… i feel proud of them. I feel really in love
with them, that I can watch them go through this very big shift AWAY from me.
That they can enjoy and follow their flow… that they love us so much…and that Montana’s
story of the first day mostly was about ‘how mommy and daddy dropped us off,
and then, how he saw us peeking through the door and we picked him up’.
We are their world, a lot of it… but now, and soon, their
world, and world of caregivers and CARE, is getting bigger…..sadly, they
haven’t had many consistent OTHER caregivers. …not so sadly, he has ME, his
mom. Sadly, as time went on… aka now-ish…. I got pretty burnt out, and started
losing my temper, in ways that I am just not proud of… but since I am an
intelligent womyn, I can see HOW that happened. When humyns are not supported
by, or moreso immersed in, community and family…. Support…. We cannot be our
best/better selves/humyns…. It is hard, it just is.
So as I leave, and talk to them about it all at home…. They
are starting to understand now what this ‘day care’ actually is. It means they
have to say good bye to their mom for a big chunk, and they do get side-tracked
by great care and fun and activities….but I am not with them anymore all day every
day…. Doting on them… feeding them their every bite…. Watching them in their
every step… catching them in their every fall, tending to their wounds….
Cuddling them kissing them….
I haven’t even left them yet to do naptime…. I will likely
tomorrow or the next day…. One day at a time… and not doing naptime with them
(although it has become one of the more frustration-triggering experiences of
our day, so I know it needs to shift and evolve into something different)….it
still is an extremely sacred period we have shared 99% of their days of their
lives….
I remember when they were so little…. And I would breastfeed
them to sleep in a certain corner, in a certain bed formation, with I am sure a
certain pillow-support-set-up….and those moments would be RELIEF… for us all.
Naptime, together.
I know all of their faces…. Intimately. I know them all…. I
know when they are falling asleep, I know what their general little teeny
expressions/breaths mean. I know the window of time that they will STAY asleep
in, or wake up…. I can’t put all the little teeny bits I know about these two
humyns into words… I just can’t. I know so many things about them….
I am so sad about leaving them….
AND…. I already saw yesterday (first day!) in Yemaya how
good it is for her. And how much she is going to love it. For Montana it is harder. They are just different humyns with different
personalities…. But I believe (as my wise friends remind me) that it will make
my relationship with him, my time with him…. All the more ‘yummy’. I still have to/am going to be PARENT….
These guys were in MY BODY’S BELLY for their origins. I AM their foundation and
roots. I connect them back to earth….
And I always will. They know me, and they will always hear me speak of
pachamama….and how we must take care of her. (And I hope that that can grow
more active and true as time goes on, and I get this chance now to evolve
again….) But my little Montana creature,
is surprisingly more attached to me. I think for a long while he was more
attached to Terell, but it has swapped again recently. Which is fine and good…. Ebbs and flows….
Both kids need both of us, and it is OUR responsibility as parents to RECOGNIZE
when we need to do what is best for our kids. And I recognized in myself, that
I needed a break, I needed space, I needed to become a better version of sunni
again. And this is what I intend to do.
October 3/4/5 2018
Passing off MY kids to OTHER humyns to do the bulk of the
day’s work in caring for them… such a bizarre concept and TOTALLY reflective of
the time we are in. Let me reflect how
my micro experience reflects the MACRO system.
I’ve been zooming around the last few days…. Appointment to
appointment to errand to conversation date…. Counselling, new-mama date,
INTERVIEW, employment counselling and workshop, GROCERIES, laundry…. And now
with no nap, and ALSO picking up super charged/stimulated/evolving kids, and
getting home J
To make dinner for everyone, and prepare for the next very early morning making
sure everyone is fed a solid morning meal, and hopefully gets a chance to poop
and brush their teeth and is wearing proper clothing that will last the day AND
I will have a wholesome snack and hydration ready to go for PICK-up J
THAT’S how it’s been for me.
There are these (Womyn) humyns there, at this ‘daycare’,
that actually have been in their own way- LOVING up my children…well they have
been substituting my LOVE for them, but /and doing it their own way… in a paid
job kind of way…. But in a consistent healthy positive teaching nurturing
supporting-kids-natural-interests kind of way.
It is DEFINTIELY what my guys need and deserve right now, and they are
getting it. And they have done really quite well, like super quite well.
Today Montana and I agreed that I was going to hug him when
we got there… he asked me for a hug, and we had a proper quality hug… and then
he was sort of ready to move along after that. But it was really important to
follow through with what we planned, for him, and for his comfort. We speak about how the day will go, and what
‘pick-up’ will look like, and when.
Yesterday I had a hard internal mama day… feeling pretty sad
internally, bad/guilty…. That I am leaving my kids now. That I am not taking
care of them anymore. Guilty…. But you know what, I know with my MIND part,
that this is good.
But when I explore my bigger mind part… the part that can
see the broad social picture…. I guess this is my
sociologist/slightly-pessimistical-political
mind that is speaking now…. I see the greater picture too. Here I am,
passing my kids off to the system, where they will then learn to conform. To
listen and follow and behave accordingly. And that IS actually what is happening,
and I am choosing that.
Because they are being raised here, in (Babylon) capitalist
society. I am here now, COMPLETELY
relying upon the system, and I am RIGHT attached and reliant upon it now. Any
money I make, any changes I make, any assets I acquire, any change of address
or contact information or network changes…. I must report now to multiple
people, in governing agencies.
No free flowing movement, no anonymity. NO quick moves, no slight wrongdoings…
everything is transparent to do a quick ‘search’, and I am linked to all my
family and our numbered and historical details.
It’s just weird. Our lives never used to be this ‘infiltrated’,
all this monitoring and all this LACK of privacy, independence…. Now it is
RELIANCE upon, APPROVAL, RECORDS… within a system. That is ACTUALLY at this point GOVERNED by
people that REALLY don’t care about our very special INDIVIDUAL needs. Or
beliefs….
These little teeny MILLIONS of special idiosyncrasies that
make up each humyn.
This week, the ‘teachers’ over at daycare have been learning
these special little unique qualities of my little beautiful interesting
children…Montana and Yemaya.
ON a micro level, us humyns always do well…. Well mostly
often. We constantly try to adapt, to find some kind
of place of homeostasis within the environment that we are in, considering all
that we may have, or have not. We try to
do our best, we DO need support though.
We need the community and extra hands and eyes…to help raise the little people. They are so ENERGY consuming by
ourselves. This is how it came to be
that my guys ended up at daycare (and how so many of our children do!). We need help, we humyns cannot do it alone.
We *can*, but it’s really freaking hard.
But we try to do our best, and then the ‘system can help’….but,
the system is designed and based on a ‘capitalist’ system, including haves and have-not-as-much…
it depends on/ humyns live within international slave labour and prison
industrialist complex models. It relies upon there being lower level workers (
in the case of prisons-this is acceptably controllable labour), and the
wealthier folks CAPITALIZING on these folks physical labour.
All of us folks here who have minimal help, but NEED help…
we then need to turn to the system for it, then become deeply intertwined with
and reliant upon it to survive, because it is supporting us, so we need to
support it back. But we are not controlling it, it is controlling us…
Some folks may follow this logic, and not agree, but I am
sure if you ask let’s say 99% of us folks here living in this here world, it is
not an easy (or safe) life, and most of us are indebted to the system, and thus
TRULY have limited ‘power’ and perhaps even autonomy.
Here I am, job searching…. Looking to get something that
pays the childcare bills, so I don’t have to look after MY OWN CHILDREN J (cue the
guilt….). It buys me ‘sanity’, it pays
the pretty awesome daycare (mostly womyn, likely just above or at minimum wage),
it teaches my kids a bit more about how to CONFORM within the system they are
being shaped to fit into….because clearly their mother is not SUPER supportive
of it J
Irony.
I give thanks to Pachamama, for my kids. I give thanks to Pachamama
for offering me this headspace to write and reflect. I give thanks to Pachamama/universe/god/jah/nature/creation/UNIVERSE….
For the time to look for a JOB to now ALSO become devoted to… that HOPEFULY
will be as WHOLESOME and real and nourishing and honest, and evolutionary an
perhaps even a little bit REVOLUTIONARY…because lord-ess knows… we and the
SYSTEM certainly needs it.
We have got to get back in harmony with what the kids teach
us…
Basics… eat, sleep, love, patience, peeing/pooing,
cleanliness and health… curiosity and honouring the present beautiful special
moments….
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