an urban miracle...

do you understand what just happened here? i don't...
it is an urban miracle...

i had just babysat 5 year old amazing Emma- went to the library and read books and laughed and were just so silly...

after spending time with her lovely family, i left feeling so happy, blessed to have them, and people like them in my journey to a simple life...

i stopped at the store that was still open, luckily... i wanted to make a kale salad, my body craving some good green veggie-ness...

i waited for the owner to grab some from the back, and it wasn't lookin so nice, so i apologized, and accepted that i'd get some tomorrow instead...

i came back outside, my unlocked bike still there- but wait.... the bag inside my basket was lookin different...

my pouch that is ALWAYS around my waist, but not this time... this time i left it in my bag... and it was gone...

thank god my beloved Tibetan singing bowl, bought in India and blessed with water from the holy goddess river the ganga, it was still there.

but my pouch... tucked inside my hat, gone.

after moments of shock, and disbelief, then moments of acceptance, well, i guess i had no choice but to keep movin’ on, that’s how life flows.... so i continued walking...down the street, with my bike... alone in the empty streets of Kensington Market... my hood... thinking over what i am now missing, dwelling a bit over my 'losses', largely my emotional attachment to those things.

How ironic i just made a little bit of money babysitting, only to lose a significant amount more moments later...

and my recently Sunday afternoon acquired $110 bicycle fine, for riding the ‘wrong’ direction on the one-way commonly jaywalked and danced upon Augusta street in Kensington market... also gone...

i turn the corner, eyes open.... and wait... in that nooked building’s entryway i see my hat, and box of copycat tic-tacs... strewn on the ground! i look around, and check to see if i can enter, its open so i walk up the stairs only to realize that c’mon… i can't really start knocking on these doors, what are the realistic chances that the thief lives here?

so i leave again, carry on... feeling somewhat happy to know that, well... i guess I’m on the same path this thief character was on... plus i got my hat back, feeling a little less violated, more calm... no choice but to accept….

i do remember looking out the window while in the veggie store, seeing a man walk by... i couldn't see his hands... was it him?

i can't believe this happened, this has never happened to me before, i guess i should've known better, obviously...

but i live here, i know this neighborhood, completely.

i know it can be dodgy... but i still trust it.

what are the chances someone will actually steal from you?

well, lesson received, that sucks.

i keep walking, at least i have a warm home to go home to, its getting cold out here, and lets be honest, anyone who is stealing, is in some sort of tough state in their life, and with the cold elements of this powerful earth, that state becomes more difficult….

it is the 6th night of Chanukah today, my candles are set up at home on my tomato-tin- can-turned-menorah, ready to be lit and have these blessed moments of prayer i am thankful to take... for me, and for those who i can also pray for...

and low and behold, there, on the synagogue grounds in front of me, is my pouch, thank the gods... for real i guess…

WOW, i am so thankful to get it back, i love it for the memories it contains, of months of time spent in India, praying, being humbled, being thankful....what a blessing to have it back!

as i look inside, i realize... that nothing is even gone... there are bits and pieces of mine scattered around close by... but as i compile them, i realize that it is all there....

they didn't take my bank or visa cards, or my beautiful tibetan silk money purse reminiscent of monumental life lessons learned from my friends, Buddhist monks from Burma, it is infused also with memories of prayer and sunset meditation in the monastery where i once shared space with the dalai llama...

they didn't even take the $100 i gratefully received two days earlier for my birthday....

it was ALL there....

how did this happen?

why didn't they take anything? i mean...like, at least take it.... why did you not take the money???

I sat down, I could not believe it, what just happened here…. I needed to take these moments to just be…. and breathe… in amazement…

i am so blessed... i am on social assistance right now, i had just babysat this lovely girl whom i love, to keep me afloat. And that money in my pouch was a birthday gift from people who are truly like my family.

Why did they not take the money, why did they not take anything?

I am totally confused, and completely blessed.

It proves how blessed i am, i am so thankful, i am so humbled.

it taught me and reminded me not so much to be more careful, to be more skeptical, or fearful of others, although lessons were learned... but more so, i learned that having faith, and being so thankful and really feeling your blessings is so important in this life.

wow, i am still completely in shock.

I don't understand what just happened here...

but it did.

An urban miracle…

the box of consciousness....

would you like to enter the box of consciousness?

it takes on many different forms, in all realms of consciousness...

we are so caught up with ourselves.... what we think, how we feel, what we need and want..... i wonder how we can enter such a box....

what happens when you truly take the attention of life OFF of you? what happens when you stop thinking about you... when you look around.... what happens when you look outside your box... ?

which 'box' are you in right now?... your home? are you sitting in your job, your workplace? are you in your favorite coffeshop? the bookstore? restaurant? gym?...

step outside of it... physically and conceptually.... consciously...

what is happening out there? Who is out there? what is happening with the people? can you for a moment imagine their lives? can you empathize with them... feel what they are feeling?...

step out of your box...

how does it feel out of your favourite boxes? is the weather different, a temperature change perhaps... is it more humid, hotter, cooler?

you can really sensually feel the environment and the beautiful range of elements when you are out of those controlled and monitored boxes... out of those comfortable boxes we were raised to feel comfortable in.... can you feel the change?

can you feel it.... taste it... let the newness, the difference, enter your body....touch your senses.... experience what it really feels like outisde of your box... inside your being.....

now take this sensual state you are in.... enjoy it, pay attention to how deep the experience is when you are consciously present in it... and now enter the outer boxes....

do you see the differences between your box and the boxes next door, behind you, or a block away from you? do you see the differences with those 'boxes' our fellow human beings exist in that exist only a long or short plane ride away from you?

there are a range of little boxes we all live in in this great big wide world...

so how can we possibly think about our OWN boxes all the time??

how do we get so caught up in 'maintaining' our boxes? spend so much time and energy and LIFE making sure that our 'boxes' meet certain 'standards'... i ask you, who forms and shapes and decides and dictates these standards of maintenance of my different 'boxes'?

and our bodies box... and why do we place so much importance on our physical box, what colour skin and hair we have, what we look like... physically? are we truly more happy, satisfied....succesful, when we are focused on our boxes?

we care so much about our own 'boxes', and what others think about them... we say we do it for us... 'for ME'... but it certainly appears that we do it so we can feel comfortable in our own given boxes. When others like our boxes, or respect, envy, even fear our boxes... then we feel good about our box... as long as it is 'my' box, and it is safe, and it is mine.... i'm gonna love up my box... i'm gonna take care of it... make it look nice, so others like it....

well you know what?

if you stay so boxed up in your own constructed and customized little boxes, jumping from one of your boxes to the next, like little leapfrog pathways... if you do not look inside to the other range of boxes in this city, this country, this earth... this life.... then you are not seeing the tangible goodness inherent in all that is natural... and beyond the physical contructs we have created....

many our boxes are full and overflowing... they are in excess, we are living in excess... we have too many boxes to choose from, and they are all full...

we don't know where to store all of them, to dispose of them.... they are polluting mother earth... they are overflowing that we do not see how we fit in.. we feel like there are no boxes for us to call our own sometimes, yet the truth is... they are just full... of stuff, of things... of ideas... of ourselves....

we are overwhelmed now... they are all growing so fast, yet we need them, all of them... we rely on these boxes... they are what shelter us, they are what give our lives structure and shape... but because we are moving so fast, without conscious recognition.... we are colliding and crashing into eachother and we are getting angry.....

wheeew..... deep breath... and again....

i know it feels nice inside our boxes... but if you do not step outside your soft protected and comfortably cushioned boxes....

and FEEL what is happening outside... feel the cool emptiness of the concrete structures of those other boxes.... feel the simple kind warmth being exuded by that very inviting box... hear and feel the pain and hardships of those who do not even have the luxury of any sort of protective box, let alone a warm, nicely manicured 'box'...

if you do not consciously choose to feel the other boxes... then you are living in a restrictive boxed-in box of a life... you are missing flowing in the fluidity of existence that cannot be formed into a box... the realities of existence, are not always pleasing, positive, 'beautiful'.... but they are real, and they are part of the flow.... of reality... outside of the realms of a box... higher concepts of consciousness....

there are beings trapped in their box, maybe they are being held captive, figuratively, and also scarily, physically....

maybe there is no way out of their life... their collection of boxes... they are stuck, and cannot get out, or do not know how to get out... or are scared to get out...

maybe they were born into that box...

breathe again... maybe a moment to be thankful... for all that you have....

...

can you see out of your boxes?
would you like to look out?
do you honestly and consciously want to?

the only person you are answering to, honestly.... is you...

will you look out more?

go for a little journey- see, feel, experience completely, with alllll of your senses... what happens outside of your boxes?

we have lost the ability to connect them, to figure how to piece them together... it is a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces, and we are losing the ability, maybe even the interest to piece it all together... to connect our range of boxes.... we do not even see how we connect... yet all of our boxes, our wide range of boxes came from the same earth, the same universe... and all of us, inside and outside of these existing boxes have the same basic needs that need to be met in order to live...

just enjoy your box.... everything about it.... find the goodness... in all of your boxes... everything to do with them... if you are reading this, you have the ability to at least start there... and then move on to those boxes that exist in our collective existence....

we all have to be thankful first and foremost for the life that our boxes exist within, and without...

even if that box exists inside your head... in their head....

it is this box that directs the needs, the wants, the feelings... of our existence in all those boxes we exist in....

so step outside that box, don't let it be a box that restricts you, but one to grow out of, and connect to so many other ranges of boxes existing.... let your box grow and expand with consciousness..... together our boxes have a synergy far greater than our single little energetic boxes.... grow out of your box and become part of that greater box of possibility.... it is what lays outside those boxes....

so step around words, qualities, ideas, concepts, beliefs, philosophies... these boxes of ego and attachment... that we let define us.... shape us... direct us...

step into the other boxes around you... look into other boxes... look into the essence of what makes their box just as much a part of their life as yours seems real to your boxes... empathize, connect-ualize... realize.

and if you can, help out where you can with others... some of our boxes need a little repair sometimes, a little perky addition... some colour, a smile, some charity, some clairty... simply more patience, compassion... kindness...

because when you OPEN up your box, and look in, and help out, and share your boxes with others... you will see the discrepancy between and amongst them... maybe you will reflect on the quality, the goodness of yours, and also of their boxes... because you are open, they are open... to eachother, and to life... open...

and then YOU, and YOUR 'issues', and YOUR 'boxes'... will turn into US, and OUR 'issues', in OUR collective boxes.....

and we will be able to share in the beauty and reality of all the boxes we can possibly imagine sharing in.... and they will do the same... WE will...

peace and namaste....

Room for RANT!

Why is it so difficult to find a room to rent in Toronto? For all of you comfortably inhabiting a home and thus are not up-to-date with the present housing-search situation, let me enlighten you! The procedures one must endure to find a room are not so simple. There are documents needed, appointments scheduled, references expected and specific personality traits required. There is a lovely little website called 'Craigslist' where people with rooms available (and a plethora of other categories they wish to find connections with) will post between 200 and 300 ads daily describing their home’s ‘vibe’ and bits and pieces that they are looking for in a tenant. If captivated, you e-mail them back expressing whatever you need to express. Hopefully they respond, and you schedule a meeting and viewing, but maybe they are just not into you from the get-go… I’m sorry!
On arrival, you are not-so-pleasantly surprised to find numerous other people in the same home at the same time looking at the same room, all with the 'same-same-but-different' vibe that you have. All of a sudden you realize that even with your lovely kind personality and honest ways, even YOU are interchangeable, replaceable, and disposable; just as all ‘things’ are in this consumerist-oriented society! Reality is, if you make one understandably nervous remark, or if you have a socially- labeled 'flaw', such as being on welfare/social assistance, or unemployed, there are 3 more people behind/beside/in front of you... and they can easily be the one to 'fill the room'.
Since I happen to be a woman with a beautiful heart, an eccentrically earthy style, a naturally bald head, and also in a monetarily disadvantaged state- certain stereotypes are invited to form regarding my ‘character’. These traits dictate social values on a macro social- scale; and in this micro home environment, they are seemingly amplified. Friends suggest I tone it down, take off my various adornments so I ‘don’t intimidate them!’ I wonder, should I actually lower my standards, demand and expect less, maybe conform more to fit in; so I don’t disturb, and scare those fragile and sensitive 'normal' tenant seekers? You know, I could attempt to do that, but let’s be honest here, I have a really hard time turning on the ‘normal’ switch, and I do not agree with these restrictive ideals humans are judged on. Plus, simply and truly, I want to be me, as I am, in my home!
I want to live in an environment that fulfills this deepest definition of a 'home', where the heart is, right? A place where people talk and cook together, share in and CARE about each other. This could be the new beginning, my new habitat; so I let my mind and feelings wander exploring the goodness and possibilities of this new potential home and family-mates, so when it happens that- SHUT DOWN - you are rejected… it hurts your heart. So what to do then… I need to sleep! Throughout this lovely grey day, many more ads will be posted. So for now, I go back to my friends, who will house me regardless of my life situation, and who look into my being, into my heart, and know that ‘normalcy’ is all an illusion anyways… and who wants to live with that?

Hair-Raising, organically…

In an insightful documentary 'Good Hair', Chris Rock hair-raises about Black Women’s complex hair obsessions. Women of all cultures and backgrounds share similar rituals using much energy, money, chemicals, time…actually, life. I would like to expand our shared consciousness in understanding hair norms, making room for the natural exceptions. Shortly after my mother died as a young child, all my hair fell out. The medical profession likes to label this marvel as Alopecia; I label it as me, a naturally bald diva! It regrew once for a few years, then fell out again. I have felt the pressure to conform, had my heart and feelings hurt; been stereotyped, and segregated. I have lived through significant life stages without hair, thus hair is fundamental in shaping me to be the open conscious being I am today. We humans are comforted by what we recognize as normal; anything that differs evokes curiosity, intimidation and often fears. My mysteriously uncategorize-able head-style is just as natural as the hair that grows beautifully on most human beings’ heads, or doesn’t… simple.

The pressure to conform to ‘white standards’ adds to the already huge list of struggles that darker-than-white human beings live with, standards that are by no means innate, but set by fashion and ‘beauty’ industries to follow, believe; absorb and adopt. There is an entire multi-billion industry thriving, capitalizing on and benefiting from the exploitative situation women live through in attempt to reach these unreachable and ever-changing ideals. We need to recognize that we allow and choose to let these ‘normalized’ standards direct the way we approach each other and ourselves. Reality is, in India, poor and wealthy women alike humbly offer their hair, their most ‘prized possession’ to gods in complete faith and egoless-ness. This same hair is sold for sums of money inconceivable to the average rural Indian, and weaved right into the roots of women’s hair on the other side of the world. How unnatural (and sad!) that that Diva believes she is more beautiful with her hair harshly- chemically ‘relaxed’, or with spiritually-infused hair weaved into her own head; though the symbolism of this intimate connection is beautiful! What earth’s women do share is the bizarre reality that hair is treasured as ‘beauty’, which in this world also comes with a value.

This movie ‘exposes’ the secrets behind Black Women’s beauty, leaving them in a vulnerable position for all to see and judge. I remember when I was losing my hair for the second time, my white scalp was exposed by the rain water weighing down my carefully constructed, bald-spot covering hair-style. I felt like I had to hide; everyone would see the truth! Black Women with ‘altered’ hair run from this same rain with the same fear of being exposed. Now that Chris Rock has publicly exposed these realities, this can be a chance to break free of these physically-altering, restrictive rituals that are costly, extremely ‘high-maintenance’, and destructive to our beings, and planet, on a much deeper than scalp, skin and surface level. What is truly normal and beautiful is that which occurs naturally; varying just like the exquisite diversity of humanity does. My solution is to flow with and simply surrender to what we naturally are… no restrictions, standards, or expectations… just us, beautiful… naturally. I do.

children...

people i love to hang out with SO much are the young kids... the babies, but young kids who can express their feeligs out loud... their logic, their perspectives on life.... their simplicity....

their philosophies, concepts, perspectives.... on everything.... and on nothing...

you can talk complete 'jibberish' with them.... use your imagination....play with their imaginations.... be creative.... and see the world from that perspective.... simplicity... beauty, laughter...play.....

they express their loves, their lives...their truth and honesty and genuine selves all the time... they haven't learned yet how to mask those things...

how to control them...

what to know, what to label, what to classify, to quantify.....

and so they just are....

their beautiful selves....

there are many people i find that are so often discriminated against.... and these things in which they are scrutinized for, are really their most beautiful features... as whatever that feature is....is the part that becomes their strongest.... they are sensitive to what goes deeper as it is highlighted all the time....

children say those things quite simply, with no underlying feelings or thoughts.... they 'state the obvious'....

doesn't it only make sense to 'state the obvious'..... because people are taught to not always do that....

watch yourself..... when are you not being completely honest..... to other people.... to yourself.....

and real....

and just being comfortable in the real...

its nice to be you, and see everyone as everyone.... as they are....

and to be honest....everyone is so beautiful, as they are all a bit different, but completely the same all at the same time....

and i think we need to see others like this, with this philosophy....

so pay attention to those beautiful babies.....

they have a lot to teach us...

and we have be careful with how and what we teach them....

right now they love you if you love them....

India Adventure- August 2, 2009 - I am in Valencia, Spain...playing...

hello everyone...

i have to finish all that happened when i was in India,...

i know!!

but for now, im short forming it.... i am in spain, in valencia...

after leaving india, june 29, i went to london for a day, went to the buckingham palace, ha ha, saw the changing of the guards, and i saw the westminister abbey.... i just walked around all day, in such a COMPLETELY different world then what i was completely immersed in (and am SO thankful for) for 7.5 months.... then i headed to the airport to sleep, as the next morning i had a flight to Italy, to Milan... and then would head over, find my way to Rototam, the best ever festival.... most amazing festival i have ever experienced..... i arrived july 1- the day before it began.....

i was coming with no tent, fresh off the plane from india, henna-d up, READY FOR REGGAE!!! and let me tell you... it was amazing... i would love to go into the details, but i will say that out of 11 nights of sleep there, i danced right through 6 of them until sunrise the next morning.... and i ended up on stage with one of my favourite artists, the one i once sent many of you a link to.... michael franti.... an amazing human being.... rototom was so so so amazing.... my family there were from spain...i met these lovely human beings on the train-venture towards the festival, and i ended up sleeping under their tent and shelter and in it the whole time.... with crazy rain storms and all.... it was a team effort, and they made me feel so at home.... at those rare times when i was there.... often i came back to crash.... ha ha...

afterwords, i went with some lovely lovely friends from madrid, lucia and ana.... we hitch-hiked to venezia where we walked around, and slept in some little plant filled street....

afterwords, i took a train all the way down to sicily... and to be honest i hardly saw it, but i ended up meeting an older palestinian man, and he introduced me to his neighbours who were 3 young sicilian lovely guys, whom i stayed with for a couple days! they cooked me sicilian pasta and rice.... we hung out.... i needed to recover from rototam, and they became my family for a few days.... then i went up to pescara, on the sea, and i hung out with a friend from Tanzania i met at rototam, i slept in a tent beside the ocean for a few days.... it was lovely to just relax on the beach.... drink a lot of coffee...well cappucinos.... amazing....

then i hitch-hiked all the way to rome, with so much lovely assistance from human beings..... there are many faces, and many names i cannot remember who helped me along this way, with directions, or food, or driving.... i caught the longest ride with angelo.... a 60 year old man from roma, he had a big motor on his truck to deliver... and he picked me up, and then took me out after for the BEST spaghetti, and steak (weird, i am eating meat again.... when in rome, do as the romans do ya know??).. . and amazing wine and sparkling water, which i love.... and tiramisu and then cafe... wow..... amazing meal.... clearly, every bit was amazing...

but after the wine... well..... angelo became a bit bizarre, so he took me to the train station, and i slept there on the floor for the night..... and then i did the next night also..... it was fairly safe on the main floor, as there are people cleaning and stuff all night, but there was a moment the first night when i awoke to a fairly stinky man lying almost nooked into my body, ha ha.... i lost the desire pretty quickly to sleep at that point.... so i had a nap the next day in a beautiful garden as i wandered rome...

while there i saw the colloseum, the pantheon, the popes 'hangouts'....st pietros cathedral, and the vatican... i wandered and saw all the sites, and the plazas and ate amazing gelatos, and just existed in shnazzy rome, while i was sleeping in the train station... it was actually so great my whole situation in italy..... i did not pay to sleep the whole time.... and for much of it i hitchiked or was graced with friendly human beings along the way.....

then i left rome.... i was almost late for my flight, for no logical reason at all, in fact i stopped for a coffee at the airport, and this pushed the timing a bit more... so much so that my bag was not put on the flight, and when i arrived in spain, i had to wait 2 days for my bag.... and they took my beloved swiss army knife.....

but, i arrived in barcelona, spain that same night, obviously slept in the airport..... woke up the next morning, and found a train ticket to go to valencia... borrowed a flamenco- dancing-woman's phone to call claire and say.... ím on my way....

when i got off the train, claire was there waiting, along with mo.... a lovely man from mali i met a few years ago when i came to visit claire here in Valencia, and have a lot of love for... and maybe a future with too... eeeek.... i met claire many years ago when i was away on university exchange in Adelaide, Australia....it is her roots, and i respected her right from the beginning....and now she is married to a man from Argentina, Flavio- he is a capoeira master, and a funny random man, and together, the two of them are a lovely duo of humanity.... conscious, caring, logical, and free-spirited... all at the same time...so much respect!

so that brings me to almost now.... now, its been a just under 2 weeks that i have been here.... going to the beach almost every day.... claires house is like 5 minutes away, and her house they have squatted, meaning they do not pay rent, but it is a lovely home.... and i even have my own room while i am here.... which is lovely... spending lots of time with mo... meeting many friends and seeing capoeira.... and sometimes just chillin, contemplating options for the future.....

and i have the intention to leave here, early september, to come home, pee my pants in excitement to be home and see all my family and kensingon drum community... EEEEK.... then clean myself up, get myself in order, and GET A JOB!!!! this is really important, im maxed out.... so honestly.... i am putting the call out to anyone who can help me!! i have a university degree in sociology and womens studies, and i would love to work in some sort of community/social/activist organization maybe with recent immigrant human beings, women.... empowering, organizing, moving lives forward.... this is the more grand wish, but even intially upon arrival in canada, i could also work in a restaurant or something on a smaller, less professional scale.... SO, if anything comes up, please think of me, and pass on my contact into, or pass it on to me.... by mid-september i will be back in toronto!!!!

and i am so happy to see all of your very very lovely faces!!!!!!!!!!!! and also will be a bit in shock to realize that this trip has come full circle... and i am returning to my roots again..... i feel it now... but with such difference, and with such different outlooks and possibilities for the future.. but eager to use all this energy again for the betterment of others... i believe in this, so i move towards this....

in the meantime, i have started to blog it.... yep, people told me of this, and well, i am a bit slow with technology, but i am in!! i have posted some of my beginning India e-mails, and a couple recent wrtiings from recent times.... and i will put more bits and pieces there as well... feel free to spread the consciousness around.... through my writing, and even moreso with your own voices and hearts and lives.... http://mycuriosityofbalanceindifference.blogspot.com/

i love you!!!!!

love sunni lady

p.s. the 2 pics...one was recently sent to me from my trek to the himalayas with my burmese monk friends, and my canadian brother wade.... the second is from the train en route to rototam reggae festival!!!!!!

India- 'ganga womb'- June 2009

waterfalls of baby-fresh ganga spurting from the mountains...

this is where it all began...

we have followed it in the bus all day...

we are headed to where it all began... in the glaciers...

boulders and pine trees...

fresh cold clean crisp mountain air...

mist and clouds...light rain...

the sun... now peeking though the clouds...

it's the end of the day...my favourite time...

...sunset...

in the himalayas...

the ganga surrounding me...

the goddess...

this is her womb....

go to the essence of mother...

go to the essence of mother...

go to the essence of mother...

the essence of mother....

follow it...

what does she stand for?

respect
reality
love
perfection
in all...
naturally
honestly...
raw...

the mother is the maker of life...
she produces life...
the earth produces life...
therefore...

mother earth...

go to the essence of mother...

it is reality...

it is real...

it is soul...

and depth...

and love...

India- Mon, Jan 26, 2009- flowing streams, fireflies, bamboo-a-plenty and the ladies compartment....

i woke up in the night time... i was having some dreams... some trouble sleeping, thinking about my dog at my dad's house....she is older, at the ending times in her life... i haven't thought about her as much i wish... so as soon as i woke up, i showered, cleaned, put on my sari which has had a few weeks long break.....and went to the temple that i discovered last night- i heard the drums.....so they called me in...but that morning i was feeling like i wanted to find a church, it was sunday, and here in Kerala, many people are christian....i've been accosted by many people, even a pastor wanting to know my religion... i am really happy to talk to 'religious' people, and i have been drawn to it the entire time i have been in India... i really do appreciate their faith... and devotion, and trust... and the ENTIRE act of praying...

To me, it is the same things we are all praying for. When i usually respond with something along the lines of 'well, i do believe in Jesus, he was a noble human being... the truth is i moreso believe in mother earth, mother nature... that is my 'god' of choice....', people generally seem to be okay with that....so we have a nice exchange....

but today, after really being shaken up by my dream of Ginny, i went to the temple... It is a very nice temple here in Allapphuzza (Alleppey) because some of the temple gods are beside trees. So while praying to the statue of the god, i am simultaneously praying to the tree, to the mama earth beside the statue of the god. I use these settings and places as a chance to pray... i pray with the same respect that the people who KNOW who the god is pray with/for... does that make sense? i take it as an opportunity to pray, even though i may not necessarily be praying to that particular god, i may not even know who it is, or what it stands for... but i do know that many people come to that god with wishes and prayers, so in respecting that god, i am also respecting them and their life wishes. Anyways, you get my point i hope...ha ha...

Along with the trees accompanying your prayers in this temple, there is even one spot to pray to the planets, which i really liked. To the sun and the moon i already do pray and have much faith for, but this little prayer 'hut' incorporated many planets and constallations, which many indigineous religions and philosophies take to heart too...

so basically, i went to the temple and had a bit of a cry and many moments for Ginny, my family and basically all of you as well... for anyone who listens and who cares not just about me and eachother but for the well being of all of us... for the unity within the diversity...

then i called my dad, and the phone cut out... sorry dad... hee hee... it's India... ya just never know here...

i just want you to know that sometimes i am adventuring, and sometimes i am just reading and thinking and being homesick too! this trip i have really been thinking about all of you at home... the truth is, i do not know when i am coming home, but i really want to sometimes. I miss all of you... i really love being close to the people i love... knowing that if anything was to happen i could be on a bus and within a day, im there... its more complicated to really stay in touch while away... i know you all understand, but i want to just take a moment to say that i really really love and appreciate all of you, and i know i am not there with you, but i think of you often, like really often sometimes... and i miss you, and i wish we were together, either here or there... and i know that when i see you again it will be so special...to share stories and emotions and excitements and life together... so stay in touch with me too, i love hearing about you also, honestly... i love day-to-day life stuff (reading, napping, drawing, eating... thinking... you get the idea!)... i do it here also, just sometimes i do ridiculous stuff too...

on that note, i will now move on to the jungle... ha ha... smooth huh? i sort of prepared an outline for this email (holy can you say ex-university student!), and i realized that it seemed to sort of split into 2 sort of themes, sort of yin-yang, man-woman... not totally in order, but sort of...

there is Jungle Baby, and Kamallama Woman Teachings... These are split up by The Travel Binge... so, here i go...

Jungle Baby...

so, adventure begins with me taking a big journey (as usual in India!) into the jungle, a couple days of travelling, hulahooping in the railway station in goa, and befriending a man named Jacob who lived where i was going so he really made the transition easier, he even carried my bag sometimes...(amy!!! see, im not always the man!)...I arrived in the jungle, so far from a big city, so far from internet and blah blah blah... Silent Valley National Park land... in northern Kerala (southern India)...

Malleshwaram Jungle Lodge is the name, Dominic runs the show there! 33years old, owning 10 acres or so of land, pure land, in the jungle, and this lodge. I heard about him through some wonderful kids i met at the juggling convention in goa. He really made sure that i was comfortable and happy, makes you feel at home. Baby (what a name, huh?) is the older man who really taught me a lot. Baby is the man who does everything from cooking to cleaning to trekking to playing chess etc. He is 64 and 7 months old, and he gave me so much wisdom about a range of things...and the truth is, he is a very simple man, with very simple needs. He told me that during monsoon season, for 15 days there were no guests, and dominic wasn't there, there was just rain... ALL day... And he is the kind of man who just would sit... watch... be... that whole time, solo. He's been there for 15 years, he planned or sort of set up the place... Dominic has been there for 13 years, and is the business behind it...it is dominics... but to me, baby is the soul... you dont know it until you spend time with him...


Baby really made my time at the lodge what i needed it to be, my friend julii said to me 'i hope your journey in the jungle provides you with what you need'... and i think he truly made it happen, along with Kamalamma- lets call her the resident 'housewife'. I went on a few treks with baby, and i also went into the park one day with some french ladies and indian young photographer George, who i will send you to with any southern India nature picture wishes... He posted some photos of our trip into Silent Valley Park, so you can find me there... http://www.peermade.info/travel/

The basics... i slept in a little hut with glass windows looking out onto the jungle-side... the lush green tangled web of life... my homey-hut had its own bathroom and shower, and it was like my own little retreat centre for 6 nights... also the most expensive yetfor me in my travels , ironically because it is in the most basic place... but, a bit more complicated to get there etc, and it was so worth it completely... so now im taking accomodation more simply for a bit again (a.k.a. somewhat dodgy, this time with uncomfortably leering men... but i have a lock on my door, and realistically, i could kick their asses, excuse my french, but im a pretty big tough chicka, if i need to be!) Anyways, hut... totally basic bamboo round hut, a double bed, what luxury... and true peace and quiet... just the sounds of the creatures and the breeze... for a week... haaaah... deep breathe out...

it was lovely and amazing and beautiful and real and what nature and life is really all about... I saw so many butterflies and monkeys and birds and a big squirrel and so many hibiscus flowers (my fave, along with orchids!), fruits and veggies and ayurvedic 'medicine' bits and pieces galore... fresh organically grown alive jackfruit, bananas, cashew nut trees that smell like frangipani flowers... mangoes, coconut, papaya, coffee, tapioca, cardamom ( i even ate a fresh cardamom pod!), rubber trees, spiral plants and trees, trees that are at least 30 feet in radius, maybe probably more... maybe im exagerating, but HUGE... variety upon variety of bamboo... everything in nature is 'something'... it does something somehow to feed, nourish, make shelter out of, cleaning the air... healing... that really is the amazing reality of nature when it is organically living... that really is living off the land...

like the tribal people, they call them... the people who truly live off the land... really truly... like build huts out of naturally growing bamboo, go the streams for water, and bathing... eat from the land, live in the land, in and amongst the creatures... they live in huts that they may move from every 6 months or so, with the weather, with the fruits/veggies/crops, depending on what is the season... they may sleep beside their crops beside a fire so they can watch it all, because wild boars(pigs) and dogs and elephants are known to come in and eat their livelihood, so they sleep beside them to protect them...

i saw many of these people, they do look actually quite different, more 'primitive' like, more indigenous to the land... it only makes sense, and it's only beautiful, and they smiled at me, and i clearly smiled at them, we looked at eachother... but only in wonderful ways of curiousity... to me they are like superior beings. They are nature... i am city. I learn from and pray to nature... they live it, more then i do, so there is a lot of respect there. The women wear cotton material shaped like tube dresses, shoulders and arms bare. Their skin is so black, exposed to the sun.

I wonder what life is like for them during the harshest of the monsoon season in june and july... How is their life then? it's amazing ya know... they deal with such extreme weather, and that is life... so they have methods to live completely with nature's beautiful madness... i wonder what they are?

the stream has cold water that is so refreshing to wash with while trekking, apparently to drink as well. I am sure it would be sweet, like the air... the air is so sweet and fresh, even tho it is hot... and it changes. I do not even know how to describe what is smells like because it is indescribable, purely sensual... Only your sense can judge the smell... think an amazing combination of fresh mountain air, with the humidity and heat of the jungle... making the mixture of plants and trees and flowers and bamboo and ayurvedic herbs and fruits all come together to make one smell that changes from moment to moment, step to step... and you really want to breathe it in... because you will never smell a smell like this again...

...we do not see any elephants, we came too late in the day, the sun is hot... Baby says the animals come back in the evening to drink... even the elephants do... as sad as i am that i didn't see them, i totally understand and feel thankful and happy to know that i am in a place where the elephants still truly roam and live... naturally and freely in the nature in which they were born and can eat what their habitat provides for them...

and the breeze... wheeeeeewww... wow... amazing... It's like it starts, and you can feel it is about to begin... And then it suddenly just gusts and all the palm and coconuts and banana leaves sway with the wind, leaves fall... you hear them rustle down throughout the forest, to the ground, back to the earth, where they originally came from... like we all did. The feeling of the breeze, because it is so hot... it's like it takes you into the breeze for those moments, you just breathe WITH the wind... and it is a strong breeze that just keeps on going... and eventually it dies down... and you hear the birds again, and the rustling of the creatures around... really really amazing...

i saw a man up in the tree, collecting/cutting firewood, but he was like 60-70 feet up (potential exageration again!) There were no steps or even nooks on that tree to help him up there... so i don't really understand how he got up there, or how he is getting down- but apparently he'll be keeping warm with all that collected firewood, like an animal, for survival. You think i could climb a tree like that? Absolutely not! but to see that man up there... a person gettin' right down to our natural animalistic being, up there in the tree... it was amazing...

a little excerpt from my journal: 'y'now, right now, i just looked in my bathroom sink, and not only was there the normal trails and hang-out spot the ants love to occupy, but there was also a massive SLUG hanging out and taking over a 3rd of the drain... ha ha... i love the jungle...' There were always lines of ants all over the place... always on missions those ants, and always together. I flushed many of those ants down the drain, the toilet, and many ended up stuck to my soap... i know it sounds dirty... ants stuck to soap used to clean... yes, but you can't really escape the nature when you are in it... nor should you really want to. I slept with bugs, i mean, my hut was clean, but i was in their turf and i don't want to live in a spotlessly clean disinfected completely 'hygenic' anything. Let us be honest here... mother earth didn't make nature like that. It is good for us. I wish my body was as strong and connected to my environment as i believe it should be... and so i keep learning...

i met an elephant named Apu, he works in Pettikal, the small not-even-village where the lodge was, he eats 8kg of rice mixed with turmeric powder in the morning before work, and 3-4 kilos at nite....he helps with pulling the wood they cut, but i guess elephants do odds and ends of jobs....when i saw him he was on 'break'..just standing there, in the teeny 'village', as elephants do, ya know....it was so amazing to just check him out, see what an elephant is like, their general nature, how their body moves, i checked another elephant out in a temple in Hampi, but it wasn't the same as Apu...i gave him a banana....i threw it to him, you can't go too close...he was an 'angry' elephant as Baby said....i loved the way baby spoke, we had many times where there was serious language barrier, but i started to understand what he meant by certain words he said....so angry meant more tempermental.... quick to anger.....so i gave Apu one banana, he ate that quickly, and checked me out and put his trunk out as if to say 'more, more, more'.... i didnt have anymore.... and he actually picked up a stick and THREW it at me....can you believe it???? how dare he.... ha aha .....so that was Apu!

my last 2 days dominic and Sabine, his girlfriend from France went outtta 'town', so it was me alone at home with baby, and kamalamma (the cooking/cleaning/housewife diva) and a couple tribal local guys building a simple shelter for some workers coming....and the last night BAby and Walleri (tribal dude!) and i went out for an evening trek, so it was partially in the dark....it started off around 4pm, still hot, still sun, taking shortcuts, not clear routes, but walleri was equipped with a knife and the knowledge and experience of this land because this is his home, this is where he is from, he knows the creatures, the paths, the plants, and the people...the environemnt, so i am completely comfortable and have total faith in him, and in Baby in leading me....knowing it would be dark for much of our trek....amazing...so beautiful, i will never ever forget this one picture i have in my head, after sunset, just as it was really darkening, we arrived in this valley, water flowing in this stream, bamboo shoots and leaves filling the valley, along with many other trees and greenery, very green....a couple tribal houses opposite the stream where i was, walleri went to see the people, and i just watched the valley darken, the colours change, the environemnt changing....and then the family came out...it was too dark to see, but mama, dada, and 3 kids....them looking at me, me looking at them, its dark...baby tells me its just them, no neighbours....just them and their land...what i love the most about people who have dark/black skin (and there are many things that i LOVE...about them, and relaly all people)..is that when they smile, their smile just jumps right out of their face, and in the dark, its like all i could see was their smiles of curiousity and awe....and this valley, it gets dark so we are just sitting across from eachother, separated by a stream just sitting.... and all of a sudden i see little speks of light, and then more...and then the valley is FILLED with sparkling fireflies......woooooww......can you believe it??? could you imagine living in a beautiful valley where every night the fireflies roam?? my eyes must have reached full capacity looking out onto this site of beauty that i still don't even understand....the oldest boy caught one and gave it to me...and i watched this little creature with a glowing ass (ha ha!) crawl around on my hand for a little while, quite comfortable on me, i was very happy to see.....i love when the creatures play on me....

and then we had to go....i waved and smiled goodbye, turned on my handy dandy headlamp, and we walked for an hour or so home...back through the bush, stopping at a tribal home for some water....walleri in front shining his light to look for watching eyes...creatures, maybe wil dogs, or boars that can be vicious, baby behind me....for my protection....im not scared, b/c i have my trust in their protection, but they were very alert.....

throughout my stay, i went to the closest tea stall with baby for his regular daily morning tea and newspaper pick-up, he informed me that obama was going into office the next day, and then showed me the front page of the paper (in Hindu of course) the next day of obama IN office....very happy and wonderful, i tried to make them understand i was not american, but who really cares.....we would go, and have tea, and a snack....'its very good to walk every day' he would say....sometimes it would be 'its very good to walk in the evening', sometimes it would be every morning, or just generally walking....but 'see me, i am 64 and 7 months old...its very important to exercise, i walk 20- 30km a day in treks'...and you know....its all true....never out of breath, always happy and content, always peaceful....sometimes make little jokes that were sort of funny, but funny moreso because his laugh and smile was really enjoyable.....hes missing a couple or few front teeth...i dont know exactly, it never seemed that important....and hes one of the rare indian men with a balding head.... and when he would smile he would just be having s much fun in his humour...he was always smoking beedies, and he was generally a very healthy man with food and his body and well being, so he would always joke about how he needed a 'pollution certificate' for smoking so many beedies, like cars, when they make too much pollution get pollution tickets or warning...he would laugh and laugh about how he needed on for smoking the beedies....hilarious, i must admit that i have started smoking a beedy a day since ive been there....yikes...i guess i need a certificate too....we shared one at night while i would tutor him on chess...he didnt think i should smoke, but well, i dunno, i wanted to....and i am an adult, there is a time and place for everything, and now i enjoy having a beedie at times when i want one! he would say that the people at this tea shop were 'all ordinary people' meaning everyone is normal, just average people....work, family, sleep, tea....ordinary...this was a good thing, to be an ordinary person...i explained how it was the same for me when i was at home...every day i would sit with a friend or two (hippy diva mama....you know im talking about you!) and have coffee.... in my community,...the same place, every day, before or after work....having our coffee and talking, the neighbourhood hanging out together, and he understood what i meant...it was nice that we could share this similarity of lives even though our lives are really SO different....

but one of the most beautiful things that baby said when we were on the hike my last night, that brought tears of truth to my eyes....was
'we did not make this....god made this'...... he was talking about the nature, he was talking about the beauty of nature....he was talking about mother nature....and i totally agree.....

the morning i left, i was planning to go to cochin, a colonized coastal town with churches, mosques, temples and even a synagogue....but as baby and i were waiting for my jeep outta there....he said cochin was a 'rush city'....meaning everyone moves 'fast fast'....its a big city....too fast....i said 'where do you like?' he said 'allepey.....loud people.....nice beach, and lighthouse....ordinary people'.....honestly.... i trust baby.... so i left, and as i got in the jeep, i knew where i was going next......no rules right....its the beauty of freedom.....

Travel Binge

so i left that morning at around 11am....jeep, bus, bus, bus, numerous hours of bumpiness and chaos on the roads...sleepy, hot, so dirty and sticky.....but on a roll of some sort...i was right in 'it'...the flow....i thought maybe i would just stay at the city of thrissur for the night....id taken many buses that day....the sun was setting....but i went to a couple hotels, all full....so i went to the train station, and bought a train ticket leaving at 9:30 that night going to allepey....why not i guess? I MEAN, I was on a roll...i wanted to keep going...it was like a bender...you know when someone is on a bender, they have been partying for days and days....just keep on going...like xmas time....its like it all flows into itself....it was like that, i was on a bender, a travel bender....i saw some israelis trying to buy train tickets, and i asked them about a place to stay in Allepey, they looked in their trusty lonely planet, translated and gave me some phone numbers, i called and got a place booked in Allepey booked for the night, i would arrive at 1am..... perfect....it all works out.....

Kamallama Woman Teachings

the only thing is....i was taking a general class train in the middle of the night aka no assigned seating, i didnt think to ask that with my trvel bender mentality...and i am by myself, and i had been travelling all day, and i was sleepy....what was i thinking...all the parents in my life should have warning bells going off in their head....they were in mine too...but i was too sleepy and had jungle fever..and (rightly) had so much faith in the flow of life that well, i just went with it....and it turned out to be a beautiful journey, for totally unexpected reasons.... i was taking general class....but because of indias bizarrely sexualized culture....there was a separate car- the ladies compartment...so although i was in general 'squish yourself and all of your family and stuff in' class, i was safe with all women and children....and it was really another one of the most beautiful experiences....i was sleepy and tired, but really my energy was completely open to life coming my way...not too much thinking or concerns...just flowing..

train comes, i find the car...and, not surprising, i ended up with all eyes on me....all women....beautiful coloured sequined silk saris(more sparkle and sequins in the south...i love it!!!) , long black braided hair, gold earrings and nose rings and bangles....beautiful......all looking at me...taking me in as much as they could....me, just breathing....allowing and letting it happen....and then it started....one talks to me,and then it is this curious bombardment of wonderful questions....where are you from? are you travelling alone? are you married? you like Kerala? how long will you stay? what is your age? you have brothers and sisters? where is your family? what is your profession? where is your hair? what are these (pointing at my weird earrings)? sometimes it was full sentences, sometimes no language, just pointing.....but all these women, from all heights, and all directions, (i was sitting on my bag on the ground in the central walkway- a good seat i must say!)....maybe 30-40 women i had eye contact and smile connection goin on.....and their kids......there was this boy, maybe 16 years old with his mom...he was sort of drumming with his hands and feet....i explained to him in our language commonalities that i have a brother who is 20 years old, and he also drums all the time with his hands and feet, he teaches drums, soon tablas too..... this boy was really happy to hear this....so we were buddies too....it was only a few hours experience this trip....but a beautiful comforting one...i thought that i was going to be on a train with so many people, many men staring very uncomfortably at me, at night time...not such a good situation...i would be sleepy....but it turned out i was surrounded by mamas and sistas and my womanly friends and safe comfort sistren, who sit with eachothers kids and families on laps sharing space and lives....all strangers, but all women...their lives all consist of the same things....mothering, cooking, housework- this is their lives, and they all share this, only a fraction of them would have jobs....and they took care of me....they took care of me and i mean they comforted me, i knew i was safe, i knew i was taken care of, even loved it felt like...they smiled at me, they smiled with me....they were curious towards me....when i answered about my hair, told them it fell out after my mom died...they understood and empathized with me in the most real way....their smiles really said it all.....

i dont know how to explain it, but this train ride was really a very soul and heart nurturing experience, its like i was totally raw, open and exposed, in a very receptive way, a good way... because of the combination of being sleepy, and of being brought back to the basicness of mother nature for a week in the jungle....i was very sensitive to what i was surrounded by...and its like i was cushioned with love and nurtured with kind human womanly mothering warmth....... and it was kind of neat, becasue the last hour, most of it was spent in and out of sleepy moments, and when my stop came, many of the friendly familiar faces were in the same sleeping states....so i kind of snuck out, with a few hushed smiles and namastes......it was really beautiful....it felt dreamlike....and we were all connected in this state...and as i got off, and was putting my bag on, the drummer boy woke up and gave me a big goodbye...my brother ya know.....we were all family.....

sometimes things happen exactly as they should....that complete day was one of those....everything flowed into itself, as it should, and does, when you have faith in it...and it was beautiful......i got off the train, into an auto rickshaw, tuk tuk in central america lingo....and got to the guesthouse, showered and slept......

WAIT, i left out kamallama.....this is where things are out of order- i warned you about this email....but she is key to the yin of the yang, her feminine energy was central to this experience as well....she is from the jungle lodge....she was a woman who also added to my life...by what she does....cooking, washing, nurturing and taking care..... i will describe her with my associations to her... washing laundry, laughing,nakedness, strength and stamina..... i had smiled at her for the first few days, but she had 'no english'....but i needed to wash my clothes....so her and i went down to the well...with my huge stacks of clothes....and i dont even have that much...but i do....it put things into perspective as usual, when i realized how much i have in clothing and in life.... i will type my diary entry out for you to read about this situation....

'today she watched me do my laundry- very slowly, with not a fraction of the ease in which she did her few odds and ends- which were actually her much older husbands, she gave me pointers- and did the final rinse of a few of the pile i had, but she mostly just supported me by being there, sounds funny- but totally true. when i would feel tired, i would look over at her sitting calmly in the jungle- I felt happy she was just sitting, not working...i was happy she got a break- this woman, these women- all around the 'developing' and really also the developed world- in a different way- work SO hard ...in a way thats as if they hadn't done work at all- but the truth is- they're fuckin scrubbing and cleaning and cooking- all day- at their partners or households or maybe families/communities disposal. And they do not even see it as that....it is their role....their job...

and when the washing was done, we washed ourselves, we shared our woman- and i was so honoured and thankful....it was like a ritual that women do together here...and i paid my dues, i scrubbed my laundry on the rock....and it was seriously tough when you do it correctly, i've been half-assing my laundry since ive been here....i needed to learn jungle styles....

she brought a new underskirt and momo-type dress they wear in south india, stripped off the old dress, and pulled up the underskirt so the centre of her breaasts was visible, and the shape of her 45 year old hard-working body as well. And she washed herself and her momentarily previous dress as well. she scrubbed herself GOOD, she even rubbed the bottom of her feet against the same rock we had just scrubbed our clothes against, and she scrubbed her legs, and her womanly areas- though she was still covered by her underskirt.Her arms, breasts, neck, face hair. With the bucket from the well- refilled a few times, and a extra cup to assist.

She laughed at me, and me at myself at how i tried to copy her sort of. I'm completely comfortable with my body and being naked, BUT, I want to be respectful and proper towards her...and she is used to this_ i think this is her daily afternoon routine- but it was my first time. So i followed by stripping off everything, and doing it wearing just a sarong...it worked out pretty well- but i know there were some ass and boob sightings on my part...but in a way- i almost want to. Its a sharing of woman- I am a different body, a different colour...but the same. And we all like looking at eachother- it is a woman thing, and it is a human thing.'

We laughed a lot, and continued to laugh at eachother and she would tease me about my wussy washing capabilities the next couple of days before i left. We shared something that made both of us smile and laugh and be happy, and brought our sisterhood/womanhood connection together, and in India, the ladies stick together, they have to....it is where they are able to be the most free and open....

The commonalities between the women on the train and Kamalamma is that the entire conversations were based upon only body and hand language, facial expressions andbits of language that we both do not understand, and thus, it was beyond words, it is the understanding that comes from the heart...and the soul, and the mind....and it is lovely....


Finale......

now im in allepey...yesterday i woke up, found my way to some food and tea....sat down at a little corner, and just watched for a while....then i went home, and slept it- it is so hot here in the afternoon, and pretty much all the time...it is really heating up here, i will leave by march one to go up north, and it will be sweating hot down here, i am already sweating my brains out...so we'll see how that changes...then i came back out to see what was goin on i guess....nothing was open, it was sunday, i really wanted to start writing this email (i like to get my thoughts out before i am too much into a new environment!), but it was sunday....and i went into a ring shop randomly, it is rare that i look at jewellery, the last time i got my nose pierced! ..and the man was so nice- and he pretty much told me to go to the beach, on sunday it is the busiest, and it was heading towards sunset....so ya know what, i just did, i just went with it....and there were SO many people there....completely indian, 3-7 other white kids....just the whole allepey and area crew came together to hang out at the beach, only men in the water wearing white briefs...women still fully clothed in saris on the beach.....(this is a think moment for you to process that....however you want to.....)...children flying kites- probably 100-200 in the sky, like the beach was PACKED...some stereo sytem playing some music...sun setting over the water....families, and groups...so nice...so many people....it was lovely to just be there in their fun.....i had many conversations with different groups, its wicked, people just come up to you and ask many of the questions i mentioned above about the train ride, and it is so fun to tell them about your life, and you get to ask questions too! i love the curiosity of these human beings, honestly....what a wonderful human trait...curiosity....my advice for the day...be curious.....enjoy your curiosity, let it flow out, let it be more free, its not bad, it is good...i disagree, i do NOT think curiosity killed the cat, i think it probably led a much more fulfilling life because it was curious....ask questions, look, open your eyes, thhink, ponder and be curious.....

on that note, im done....i've typed pretty much all day today, minus a few breaks to do essential things like eating, peeing, relaxing, washing myself...yeah, a very tough life i lead huh? this is the time to do it....and so i fully appreciate it! but this is a very important email....and it is just very important to tell you these things....the more i write, the more i feel happy this is getting spread around...its a really nice sharing between me and you....and 'you' are so many people....but, i read in my hatha yoga 'bible' that i started reading in Varanasi, about the concept of 'the unity amidst seeming diversity- how they are only elements of a greater Self...which includes all diversities and relative contradictions within itself'...and well....we are all one and the same....

im glad we are connected....and we are!

lots of love to you, and thus to me....always!~

Sunni

p.s. dominic sent me this link too....of some pics of silent valley park.
http://picasaweb.google.co.in/attapady/SilentValleyNationalPark#

p.p.s. ive attached 2 pictures from silent valley, you can see the evergreen covered mountains, and a big beautiful tree, and also the lovely wonderful and inspiring sign as we were leaving the park...i really took it to heart, and will apply this way of thinking even more into my life...it was a wonderful positive reminder.....George took these- he is the one from the peermade site i gave you earlier on in the email. and i also atrtached another picture a guy took while i was in Tamil Nadu of me hula hooping...my stomach looks oddly chunky in that....i dunno what was going on....but i dunno, i like that picture....its relaly happy, and i just gave that shirt away to a really lovely monkey-like woman named LiLa from england....monkey like because in Goa she climbed up a banyon tree and sat in a nest-like nook, and monkeys were up playing with her too....anyways, it was s shirt given to me from the lovely newly married angela in toronto, and passed on to a different lovely woman....

ok, im really done this time....have a lovely day!!!!

India- March 8, 2009- International Women´s Day

Today i went to a Goddess Temple... I wore my sari... i talked to myself about what i love about my woman-ness, and our womanness... i prayed for women all around the world... all of them...

i sent my wishes and goodness to all of them, and to the GREATEST woman possible... mother earth... she is the creator, the destroyer, and all that is in between and above and beyond and before...

i made sure that all these women knew it was international womens day.... even the ´poor women´, as one woman working as an engineer said- ´the poor women would not even know'...

so i made sure they would know...

i got the men to explain... ha ha ha... look at what happens when you put a strong (white and therefore significantly privelaged) woman with a voice in charge... all of a sudden, these 'poor' women are celebrated...or at least informed that they are all over the world!!!

Thank G-d, thank Mother Earth... what a beautiful place to be for International Womens day... Tirupati, India...where bald is beautiful... and meaningful...

all over the world, half of the world's population...women

all of them lead such different lives... all of them share complete similarities...

how lovely... some, many are really struggling... and some are really comfortable... in the cold, in the heat, the sunshine, the cold rains... in houses, in huts... with chickens and wild boars, and domesticated cats and dogs... children- too many, one child, grandchildren, no children...

doing solid, physical labour, washing, a housewife, prostitute, CEO... mother...

the lists of diversities, the beautiful neverending, amazing diversities of womyn could go on... and on... I love it all... even if i do not like the situations for all of these woman, i still love them all.

We are woman... we are strong, and powerful, we can be independant, we can be reliant, weak, naive, protected, vocal, activists... but we are all one- we are all the same- we are- we are all women... all around the world... internationally... from village to mountain to city, to sea... in the air, under the water, on the land... we are everywhere...

and thank the greatest Mother for that, she whom gives us the life... to live these beautiful lives as women...

Happy International Woman's day DIVA'S!!!!!

el camino...

life´s path....

do we ever really know?

do we ever really know?

really....

for all you planners out there,

can you ever really control it all?

the tricky and very lovely part about it is there is not a clear path...

because it is always changing...

we lose a brick here....

add a pebble here....

it grows new little sidepaths....

drops down a bit, a little closer to the centre...

but it is always changing....

and we are always navigating through it...

and we are sent all these lovely little surprises along the way...

and how do we incorporate them into our little paths?

we become like the water... the flowing entity...

that our imaginary paths exist on...

can you picture the path?

can you picture the water... can you imagine flowing like the water?

in and around and through and over and under...

life...

you are the navigator...

you are the experience - r...

and you actually are also...

the path...

orchid woman...

oh the orchids are so beautiful, so perfect...

their folds, their colours...

their detail- their perfection, the protector petal...

5 beautiful petals, one amazing centre...

you must be gentle with them, that's why she has her protective folds....

she only opens for certain periods of time, she spends much time waiting and preparing for her beautiful arrival...

mother earth nurtures her mother plant so when she is ready to emerge...

she blossoms into perfection...

she is so equisite in colour, in smoothness, in pattern and shape... in texture, in beauty, in smell...

and when there are many together... the perfection is even more breathtaking...

what an amazing specimen...

what an amazing being...

I am so honoured to have been in your presence... to have seen your perfection...

allowed my senses to play with your amazing beauty...

thank you mother earth for your creation...

the orchid woman...

to sleep, or not to sleep...

I´m in the bust station- Tiburtina- in Roma...

not sleeping...

i was... and i just awoke to some man stinking like poop...

nooked right behind me...

not touching... but miliseconds after waking i was up sitting on my bag...

he is in the same place... eyes covered by a dirty shirt.... i am in the same new spot...

my bag- attached to my other 2 small bags by a lock... passport safely attached to my body...

my ´passport´ to the world...

i do not know why i need such an object...

i thought the world was free...

the earth does not naturally have a price- nor any boundaries...

and so i sit here... awake- listening to the shiffling of some cards... another more privelaged man shuffles all night....

i ´sleep´ here.. because well... i can not sleep for a couple nights...

i have come from a comfortable sleep- and i will go to a comfortable sleep again in a few days....

to travel and survive in europe is expensive...

the most expensive part is sleeping.. and transportation...

today i hitchiked here to Roma, was fed by different people, and am sleeping in the station....

almost a free day...

minus the cappucino , cafe machiatto and croissants i ate today for breakfast... look at these luxuries i had...

i have the choice to have these luxuies... i have made this choice to stay in europe- to see, feel, experience more of this world- very much on a budget...

but i have the freedom to make these choices...

i may not have much money anymore- in fact i am very much in debt... but there are SO many people waiting for me to come to their homes... to share with me...

to give me a place to sleep...

where no man will come and almost curl right into me...

in my innocent moments of sleep...

i am not hurt, scared or harmed by this...

i have had much worse, and more invasive things happen to me during my adventures that have at times challenged my faith...

but it never falters....

my faith in all that is life is strong...

with all the bad comes the good...

and it´s all real...

and this i ALWAYS want to see, experience and understand...

it looks like it is maybe around 4 am now, and i just saw a nice-sized cockroach roaming the patch of space i recently occupied in my sleep... and so i think i have lost the desire to sleep...

maybe today- as i roam the streets of Rome... i will find a patch of grass...

and me and Patchemama´s earth will have a little natural snuggle...

this appeals to me...

sleep is so important... to keep the sanity, to give clarity...

so i am thankful to have this semi-freedom to choose right now... to sleep or not to sleep...

and i am thankful that ´normally´- i have safe shelter in which to make this choice in....

we spend hours every day in sleep...

imagine if you had no home, no personal space...

no constant, safe, temperate, clean-ish space to sleep...

yeah, reality...

it´s not always an option...

to sleep or not to sleep...

the haves, and the have nots

the haves and the have nots

its so ridiculous....

i just saw a fur jacket- i think the price was 6000 euros approximately...

imagine....

there are people who strive towards having that jacket.... dream about it....

just imagine how beautiful you would be...

imagine how others would look at you....

what they would think of you....

the absolutely most fashionably modern woman...

in her fashionably modern designer fur jacket.... exquisite...

6000 euros...

moments after, i asked a cleaning woman for directions- a woman clearly defined by her clothing...

it was not the language that prevented us from connecting...

she did not even look at me- she knew I was trying to communicate with her...

it was the way in which it was 'acceptable' for her to act... she works for those who come to this piazza de spagne in rome...

people do not speak to her with a smile, looking her in the eyes... with a question....

her reaction was like that of a potato bug...

she reacted almost by curling up... hiding... retreating....

what´s wrong with a world that a woman, a human being, is so used to being treated as an inferior?

what is wrong with the world when there are pèople buying fur jackets completely for the legitimation of their being... when really it has absolutely nothing to do with their true depths...

why is this okay?

how can this be?

from one moment to the next...

you see the haves...

you see the have-nots...

we all see it... in different settings, places, extremes...

lives, realities, human beings...

how is this okay?

how did our ideals come to this?

...it hurts my heart...

and so now, i sit in a beautiful church...

to seek refuge for my soul, and for my heart for some moments...

to reflect...

and be thankful...

it is my first time kneeling in a pew...

i have always wanted to pray like this...

humbling...

and so i pray...

thank you for allowing me to be somewhere in between the haves and the have-nots...

i am lucky to be in the balance....

India- January 16, 2009- im off to true virgin JUNGLE!!!

I LOVE MOTHER EARTH!!!!!

hi my friends and family and all my loved ones.....aka one and the same!

what is going on??? how are all of you??

i know i have written recently....but i have a feeling i will be out of commission for a little while, and i am so excited and i don't think i really know what will be happening yet.....i need to really figure it all out, but i have a train ticket, and i have told domnic that i am coming, and he will hook me up with some sorta deal situation....because i am a friend of a friend!

basically, in goa i hung out for a bit with this guy manu, very funny and chillin, peer pressured me to drink one night, i don't drink very often, it had been 7 weeks or so.....anyways, he's from India, lived in aussie land, and he was travelling for a bit with elisa from germany....he has a guesthhouse and tour houseboat in Kerala-southern India, and told me of a friend who has a place in the jungle in Kerala, very special....i looked into it, and well....im a sucker for jungle...it seems like some of the most powerful mother earth nature, and that is what/who i believe in most, becuase i come from her, we all do, including the trees, the rain, the rainbows, avocados and passionfruit, babies, dogs, snakes, leeches and wheat! all of it!

look.....http://www.malleeshwaram.com/....
http://malleeshwaram.blogspot.com/...http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_Valley_National_Park...

yeah, i KNOW!!!! it'll be a big journey in and around trains, buses, rickshaws, jeeps, i dunno exactly....but im headed there tomorrow....OH MY GOSH!!

so this jungle lodge....we're talkin tribal area, and 'grossly inherited with leeches', and 10 acres of protected forest, it is described as an ancient tribal kingdom, and Silent Valley National Park, where it is has been described as the 'richest expression of life on earth'...and the animals.....and creatures and flowers...

im actually a bit sad to leave Goa....its been an amazing time here....so so amazing....its so small in Arambol beach where i am....and so nice....every day at sunset, i cannot explain it....music, gathering to watch the sunset, every kind of play is here.....the circus/play world is wonderful, im really appreciating this group of people that i never really knew i was so part of, and i shared so much with.....even tho, well...i hula hoop....so really, i am!?!?!? but these people are strong, they are active, they do yoga and dance and movement and rhythm and play and children and simplicity and dirty and perform-y and beautiful and fun and well.....grounded....they dont need much, just to be healthy and play together.....of course there are a range of people, and exceptions and extremes to everything....but the people ive really spent time with, ive enjoyed so much, its such a great community....and its worldwide!!!! with so much talent and enthusiasm.....ive spent so much time with a really wonderful canadian, from Quebec, Marie.....and we have many similarities, many differences.....

my hula hooping has really just blossomed as i feel i have since being in Goa, and really it has come from being in India and learning what i have learned here about so many different bits of life.....ya know, its amazing....at the juggling convention i spent days doing yoga and acro yoga (balancing and stretching on/via eachother), creative movement (liek contact dance)....i had the best day doing afro-brazilian dance......and the last night many people just brought out their fire equipment and just jamed out.....i dunno how many jugglers were at this convention, but you can only imagine how ay different styles and forms of fire playing there was.....poi, and staff, and juggling and swords and rope darts and everyone does it so differently and its amazing to see....and of course hula hoops!!!!! i really wanted to, so i searched one out to borrow, i got one, and i was going to go next, it was perfect....there were some drummers and a didgireedoo....totally my type of hula inspiration....or life inspiration, give me some live organic music anyday and im ready to move.....anyways, as i was ready to go soon....the police came to shut it down.....WHAT??? here in goa because of its past, and really, sort of its present..... lots of parties, trance parties historically...so music and party all night long.....blah blah blah....the police want money if you wanna stay, its really the corruption little situation here, but they ended up taking one of the coordinators to jail....he got out ok with less of a fine then they asked for....but basically....music was over, and the party sort of had a damper put on it......last ngiht and the police came.....

but you know what? shortly after, some dude started spinning, and i was already fueled up....so as soon as he was done, i was in..... AND IT WAS SO GOOD!!!! people were cheering me on....because id been hooping all week, and so inspired, and i had friends i had made all week really encouraging and enjoying what i do....and well....it was really beautiful, and i dont spin very often with fire, so its always a treat for me and especially for the people watching, and many people said i reenergized the night after the police..... it was so nice....i wish you could have all been there to be part of it....but really you are, all the time now.... i feel that!

i really enjoy hulalooping because i am inspired and it is because i know people are enjoying watching as well, it totally is an exchange.....i wish all the people who watch me hoop knew that.... since the convention ended, i have had such beautiful days of simplicity... sunsets are a constant.....i bring my hula hoop, i go to where everyone is, or find music that inspires....and there is always a couple places....but there is this man here, itailian...but he has this AMAZING instrument called a hang from switzerland, it is amazing....so beautiful...it sounds like a harp, but a drum like steel drum, soft, and soulful, you feel it moving you...... so i hula hoop and i just move with it...it is so amazing.... many people watching, sometimes drums, and didgireedoos....sometimes bhajans- nightly prayer and chanting....as the sun is setting over the ocean.....so beautiful.... i saw dolphins one night..amy- i saw them!!!!...and then i go swimming once the sun is down, the day is ended, the sun has set....it is a wonderful time to swim....then have a shower, and there is music happening at night AGAIN, a jam session somewhere always....always music here, always a friend somewhere....you almost cannot be by yourself, because you haev so many like-minded friends around....

i have really really loved my time here....a lot...it has been like freedom for me, maybe it feels like that more especially because the last couple of months in India have been more restrictive with expression....with being open with my body and my movement and dance and flow..... and now im in goa and people are swimming topless on the beach and you see belly and leg and arm and well, its not true India at all....but it definitely is a beautiful free musical flowing open place....so it has really really opened and loved up my free spirit side....and i am always happy to nourish all my bits....it comes back around to all of my life....and all the people who i interact with..... its been amazing, i am really surprised to be honest, i ddint expect to love it here, but i do, i really recommend coming here to arambol beach in goa if it right for you...that always is the key.....ya gots to be realistic about yourself, and what is good for your mind, body, and soul.....and find the balance.....

but thats the key in life....really.....

so, i move on to the jungle, also so important for my soul.... this jungle lodge....we're talkin tribal area, and 'grossly inherited with leeches', and 10 acres of protected forest, it is described as an ancient tribal kingdom, and Silent Valley National Park, where it is has been described as the 'richest expression of life on earth'...and the animals.....and creatures and flowers...

i will let you know how it all unfolds, but i leave tomorrow evening, night train down the coast, and then i have to take a few buses and jeeps to get there, i dont really know yet, but im in! from there i will probably go more south in Kerala, i would like to get to the most southern tip, i like to experience extremes....plus...Roy, another wonderful hamilton canadian friend explained the because fo the water cycle, the true END of the ganga river really is at the most southern point here, because the water flows from the himalayas, all the way to where the streams and rivers meet the sea.....and that is in the south....so i feel a little bit like this was the beginning inspiration for me-the ganga, and it seems only right to see more....but that will all be decided when it comes to that....

but future things, ill be sort of brief, but i am starting to have some dates.... feb 18-24....i will go back to thirunamavali, to the singing heart ashram, for the dying for truth retreat i think to assist jaclyn.....i think i will really learn so much and it will give me many new perspectives on life....and death....

and then i maybe will come back to goa, because there is this woman here who makes really beautiful costumes, and i am starting to think i need a costume for hooping to perform....its a thought that is growing in my head....and also to have a little freedom and sunshine burst before heading up to the north and mountains again....

then march 27 to april 6- there is a 10-day meditation thing called Open Dharma that i have been accepted to, it is different then Vipassana (if you have heard of it....)-less strict, more open....good for me...

in the future, im starting to sorta seriously consider germany....for summertime....going to berlin! it makes me quite excited to think about it....ive been given lots of beautiful and positive feedback and advice....and im sort of feeling drawn...but this is months away.... but i wanna give you a heads up for the just in case.....

i am gonna go....i love you all....i really do....thank you for listening and enjoying...it wouldnt be the same for me if it wasnt for you....it is the same about hooping, it very much is a give and receive situation....i am experiencing and loving it, you are listening and thinking of m, sending me your positive wishes...and well, it all comes around and back to the goodness of sharing id say....so thank you for keeping me going as well.... i love you! and i think of you all the time...

to my closer family, i am sorry i dont call all the time...but you know when we talk it will be the same as it always is.....lovely!

ill keep in touch when i can!!!!

adios...

Sunni

India- December 17, 2008 - Darjeeling, in a nutshell (ok, its a big nut, lets be honest here!)

hi all you kids...

wow.....its been another little whirlwind of many emotions, so many lessons, and so much beauty in all the right things.....

I am leaving today, out of the cold, and into the sunshine!!! yaaaaay!!...oh the sweet warmth of the sunshine....I will go to Chennai, in the South, the state of Tamil Nadu, it will take a few days in total.... so its a big trip Im about to going on! Before yesterday morn, amy and i had already decided to split up, ''when it was right'' we said all along, and we both decided it was a good thang....so no stress...but yesterday morn amy found out some news that may change things for her, she is going back to canada, after some reevaluation of her lifes priorities, and spending time with a very special friend that we made....he is a man with much wisdom and so much kindness and soul...Ganu, he was our guide in our 4-day hike up to the top of a mountain where i saw the peaks of 2 of the 3 highest mountains in the world, and heaven...on the anniversery of my mothers death...i will expand on this later, but for now...the status is...amy is going back to canada.....brrrr..... sorry to say that for all of you who are there...and i continue the journey alone, with so much love and admiration for amy....we brought eachother here to India, and we would not have experienced what we had if it were not for eachother...for all of you that know her, and for all of you that may one day meet her...she is one of the brightest most enthusiastic positive souls in the world...! we said we would split when it is the complete right time so i will carry on and thank the gods that we brought eachother all that we have in our lives....

i have attached some photos, first is from the beginning of our trip, when we got some beautiful henna in Delhi, drinkin some Chai, the man in the background with a big kind smile, and one gold tooth, is the owner of the shop, and the maker of the mendhi (henna design) art! SO beautiful...
2nd pic is me seeing heaven, the 3rd is the first day trekking up, you can see how beautiful the jungley cold mountainside is!!

So, are you ready for this one....get yo self some tea, preferably chai with milk and sugar, maybe a pot, and here we go.....

this email seems to revolve around dates...darjeeling taught me many lessons, and these lessons seemed to revolve around 2 very important dates....my mothers death anniversery, and my 25th birthday....

Major lessons....

Family, Culture, Nature..... Cycles of Life and Death..... Humanity, kindness, amazing beauty of Mother Earth.... from the words of 'The Paradox of Our Age'' from the Dalai Lama from Tibet(now presently in exile residing in Himachel Pradesh in Northern India)... http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/6807/LessonsForLife.html ...


Darjeeling (aka Queen of the Hill- you know i love the Diva names... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Darjeeling ), or Gorkhaland....as most of the inhabitants would have this patch of land be called....the people who live here, and surrounding towns, up towards Nepal...they are Gorkha people...if you remember, in my first email i wrote in arriving here, i was like Wow, the people are so different lookin, they look so nepali...well....yeah, its because they are Gorkha people...and they want the rights to this being their own state, so they can let their "unique to India"" culture continue on in their land...they are losing their language and culture, and as the generations grow older...the younger ones are losing touch with their roots, they need to learn in schools and communities where they are free to learn their language and culture and beliefs and customs.....this is a story we have all heard before, and it is a sad story that spreads far and wide, all over this world, and the reality of this westernized and money and success-oriented society takes over.....for these people...this IS a reality....

When we arrived in Gorkhaland, we almost immediately met little Diksha, a 12 year old spunky little diva....i love her....i walk holding her hand, she makes me laugh my face off.... her mother and father and cute brother have invited us into their home so many times, and were quite disappointed that i cancelled on the plan to share my birthday with them, as Sangeeta thinks of us as her 2 daughters.... I really have loved sharing time and some of my life with them....I will forever miss Diksha....that spunky little girl.... later that day, Amy and i decided against going to Sikkim, and stay in Darjeeling, so we looked at tour agencies just to see what we could do...since neither of us has guide books....we ended up randomly, well, running on instinct, booking a 4 day trek (hike) leaving the following day at 6:15 am which ended up being 4 days, 53 km, hiking uphill largely, in the mountains of eastern India, and Nepal....wandering through villages and jungle and cold, and sunshine, and freezing, and smelling and experiencing and it was such a random and one of if not the most beautiful experiences so far.... I came back into our room on the second night...after walking 12 km up, and Amy was in bed, she had altitude sickness, a pulled groin, and was in very bad shape to say the least...and i could only respond to her question of how watchin the sun set was....with ''i saw god'....... that trip, i saw heaven....i cant really even say what god is....here there are so many gods i cant even count them on one centipedes arms.... but what i saw, and felt, and breathed and experienced.....was god-like, heaven like......

that day, December 8, 2008, was 17 years since my mother died...and i was in pure mother nature mountain earth....the air is clean, and pure and fresh and cold....the trees are alive, and untouched....they are free to grow....the smells that nature provided and Ganu- the wonderful guide- highlighted were so refreshing...the sights of nature, touching and feeling.....the weather, my physical body.... feeling its own maximums ....working through the uphill with my breathing, and my mind, and my mothers death, and life.....all helping me up the mountain....that day everyone said it was going to snow.....can you believe it....me climbing a mountain in the snow....ha hah a, right.....but it was a holy blessing that day, only the sun shone....and it meant that we hiked with the sun right in our faces for beautiful intervals, when we weren't hiding in bamboo panda-ville, which we sadly did not see, no pandas...but much bamboo, which made for a wonderful tribal walking stick......the sun was shining, i walked by myself 85% of the time, amy walked with Ganu 95% of the time..... this is where we differed amy and I, the alone time vs. talk time.....and it is what makes her so beautiful, and what makes me me.....also beautiful....

when we arrived on the top of Sandakphu, where we stayed, a borderplace, between India and Nepal....Amy was not feelin hot, she went straight to bed (where she continued to puke etc....we didnt know until we came back.....), and Ganu and i headed to the highest peak we could find....we were surrounded by clouds....and the sun was setting....we walked up, there were tibetan/buddhist prayer flags hanging all over....these are the sets of red, green, yellow, blue and white flags with prayers written on them...the thought is the wind can carry these prayers as far as the wind can take them...and the top of this mountain was WINDDDDYYYY.....it was so beautiful.....the sun setting....on top of these cushions and cushions of flowing thick white clouds.....i was sitting on the highest peak i could sit on, over 3630 metres, looking at this with my own 2 eyes, after climbing probably the hardest climb my own 2 little feet have ever climbed....looking at what i could only describe as heaven.....

this is what i wrote at the top, i had to remember.....

''the wind is so strong....HOLY SHIT....this is for you Mom, and Ira Joel Dad, and all the people whom i've ever met, and love and didn't love, and for all those people who will never be able to come here....and see it, and feel it, and smell it, and hear it, and touch it, and taste it.

I am so Alive.....I LOVE YOU!!!''

and i screamed i love you, in all directions, it was a spinner.....

the moon was already glowing, almost full moon.... it was at this point where there was such clairty...it was like i was allowed to enter the true higher states of consciousness that so many beautiful religions and philosophies describe....for just this moment in time....i was given a glimpse to what could be.....and it was beautiful....and exhillerating, and it felt like god.....

whew....deep breathe....and there were oms chanted, by myself, and with Ganu....this universal sound of peace....and consciousness.....for all of you.....i mean it from my entire soul......

when it got too dark...we walked back down to find amy in a yucky little place.... we cared for her that night....and to be honest, on this day, this day that is unlike any other day in my life....we needed to all support eachother....amy supported my silence....and i was able to nurture her in a time when she needed me....and Ganu supported us both, in what we both needed....he really is like a true saint....

the rest of the trek was beautiful and amazing and so many other special feelings and sights and experiences, im not going to go into it.....except to say the next day, we woke up, after a FREEZING night....and a rough night for little amy, and saw the sunrise....and the clouds had cleared up a bit, so now i could see 2 of the highest peaks in the ENTIRE world....i saw the top on Konchendzonga, the 3rd highest, and i also saw the peak of Mt. Everest, the HIGHEST....it truly was a holy blessing....and all this was seen on the day of my mothers death.....it really truly was a holy blessing.....

that day mother earths heaven invoked my flow....right before the moon was full.....it was as the sun was rising that my flow began.....mother earth never fails to amaze me.....honestly...the more i see, the more i feel, the more i connect to her....the more clarity and understanding i feel....

Next major Story here... my birthday....

we arrived back from our beautiful 4 day trek, new chapter, new experiences, new flow, full moon...I am amazed at the semi-ease in which the whole trek was for me, even though its been a long time since i've done such a trek, if ever.... 53 km in 4 days, with no recent trekking experience, i didnt think it was possible...i am thankful that yoga and body health consciousness has been so central for me in recent years, I had some seriously sore calves upon return to darjeeling, but nothing major...it reminds me of how thankful i am to have such a strong and able body....a good reminder...and so i will continue to strengthen and love it......

Dikshas family was adamant about us coming over for a full meal with the family as SOON as we came back to town...we said the following day would be perfect....and it was....her mother made sure we were stuffed to the brim, with her DELICIOUS food....they were also REALLY excited about my birthday, and little diksha was scheming, shortly after, Ganu invited us to his family home in a little village outside of the central darjeeling.... and although i did not want to dissapoint my lovely little Diksha....it was something that was really too special to not do....so the 13th, day before my birthday, after buying train tickets out of DArjeeling....Ganu came to our little hotel mall glory and we started our short trek down to his village.

wow....what an honour to be invited to his home....really.... on our way down, we stopped at a Tibetan Refugee Centre.... where i ripped out me hula hula....and we had such a wonderful time with those kids.... since China invaded Tibet in 1949, 1.2 million live feeling and breathing human beings have been killed, the population of tibetans is now only 6 million in tibet (with China having approx. 7.5 million humans there- NOT in their country....more than the original inhabitants themselsves...) these children that i got to entertain with my 'magic' as they called it....were born here in Darjeeling, India, where many people have escaped to...these children were BORN in this (lovely) refugee centre....NOT in their motherland.... so this was also an honour to get to bring unexpected happiness to their (and my) day and to their elders of all different ages and smiles...truly.... after i hula'd, they danced for us, and we played ring-around-the-rosy, and a range of fun games...and we all laughed and played.... it was here that i learned a lot about the present state of Tibet and Tibetans, and where i read about teh Dalai Lama and his poem the Paradox of Our Age that i put a link to above....i really recommend reading and having a good think about that....maybe get another pot brewing and brew over this REALITY for a bit....

We continued down again....walking the windy roads....through paths and streets and by many Gorkha people smiling, saying Namaste, checking them out as they checked us out....what a nice human exchange when it comes from pure curiousity and no underlying thoughts.....

when we arrived at Ganu's elders sisters house....the first thing i saw, and got to experience was the smell of a rose in his garden....SO beautiful.... and it continued....there were the most beautful orchids i have ever seen in my whole life....i don't think i had ever really understood orchids until seing thes ones.....it is mother earth equisite perfection in flower form....absolutely amazing..... and this was where i was going to be waking up for my birthday....the blessings continue....

we ate some wonderful lunch made by Ganu's niece Bhindia, a beautiful Gorkha version of Christina Ricci, and went for alittle walk to explore the village a little bit more....came across a whole patch of kids....who were talking about my earring, it looked like i had worms in my ears, and i met the first little girl who was acutally genuinelly terrified of me...its kind of hilarious....but really sorta sad at the same time, like i think she had nightmares about this really bizarre human being she encountered that day.... it was really fun tho....we all chased eachother and made faces....kids stuff....u know....

that night we all cooked together, well, amy and i learned, the vegetables were largely from the land in the village, this wicked green veggie that i first tried in central america, cooked with in Canada, and it grows wild everywhere here in gorkhaland, we ate the 'fruit' and we at teh root vegetable also, beautfiul...the whjole plant is used, right frm the land, as it always should be...that night we made momo's, nepali style steamed veggie dumplings....and we helped from start to finish....so special... and we had tea, and we talked....and then we went to sleep....

December 14....yaaaay....i woke up with Ganu giving me a perfect little rose from his garden, yellow in the centre, spreading to pink outer petals....and i went out and had some reflectin time in the garden....25 years old....in a little village in north-eastern India...looking at, in awe of, and falling in love (again!) with the most beautiful flowers....the sun is shining....ARE YOU SERIOUS? is this all true....

i looked for a flat patch of land....and i did a headstand....this has been a yogic posture that only happens in times of balance...in times of focus, colllected mind and thought.... I have been working towards this off and on for years, and only since coming to India have i learned that it is so much mind... i thank god that i had this moment in time to have the balanced mind...

after a deliciuos breakfast of rice pudding and leftover momo's...we continued down towards another of Ganu's sisters house....she was very eager to meet us.... (can u believe it still? my birthday, and this wonderful person excited to meet us??!?! ) along the way we stopped in a bare patch of land where some young boys were flying kites....Ganu asked, and i got to fly it as well....so wonderful!!! the kids here love flying kites, what a peaceful pastime....much better then nintendo violence or mind-numbing television i would say!...by the time we got to the house, the meaning and truth about family was quickly expanding to show me so much beauty in the life here....

Ganu's sister is married to one of the 3 sons here, so there are a few families and the father and mother of the households...and just numerous people that it was hard to keep track of who fit in where....all i knew was this was family, and that day, we were very much a part of it....they wanted us to be so comfortable, they wanted to feed us,it is like an honour for them....they want to feed you, and you should eat a lot...and show how much you like it, this is such an honour for THEM...and let them serve YOU...amy had issues with that, she was always trying too clean up after, and she was never allowed to.... often here in India at family homes they would serve us first, then sort of watch us eat for a while, see what we needed, put more of as much as they could onto our plates....and then eat themselves....its so beautiful to be honest...you are their guest.....and they want you to be happy... we went to the village temple, which was one of my wishes that day...and i went and offered the rose that Ganu had given me as an offering of appreciation for all that i have and my life that i am so lucky to be living...

after lunch....amy went off with ganus nephew for a little adventure....i had spotted a new baby, and for my birthday, i wanted to spend time with a new mama and fresh little baby....only 1 month and 2 days old....as soon as i said i would like to spend itme with the baby, it was like it was once again, an honour for them...this beautiful 23 year old mother Reema handed me her cozied up little baby with no qualms about it.... a beautiful little baby...just staring at my face....wow...... it was so beautfiul, and such a lovely gift..... i really look forward to this amazing experience of motherhood....this mama and i didnt speak any language, but she knew i was honoured just as i knew she felt the same.... its not about the words as i so often am reminded...... in the room with us all the ladies were joining....there was the elder mama of the household, such BEAUTIFUL lines in her face....when she smiled....it was like she just warmed up your soull...and the little girls, and ganus sister, i was with all these women whom i have never met before in my life....and felt really really at home and happy....the mama love....in a rural village in India....my 25th birthday.....wheeew....deep breathe...

we looked at marriage pictures of the new mama, her and her husbands marriage was a love marriage, and i learned this is true for many of the gorkha people! although he is in the army, a route that many men choose, as Darjeeling is a bordering area for Nepal, and Bhutan, and China and Tibet and Bangladesh...this means the women see their husbands for only 2 months out of the year.... and then we looked at the marriage video and saw the beautiful ceremonies.... then i was stolen from the crowd because the lovely Ganu told his sister that i had a little wound that needed to be tended, so this woman whom i just met was on her knees cleaning a wound on my foot....no second thoughts....out of pure love and human kindness....i was amazed....

when it came time to leave...i was really amazed to feel myself just bawling....crying these tears...how was it, that this hubungous family opened up their home and their life and their happiness and theior purity and their love to me....i didn't even know them....and its my birthday.....i dont know if they had any idea how much it meant to me...i dont even think i have any idea...but when i think of what they added to my life....with such simple beuatiful gestures, it brings me back to those tears.... tears of pure amazement at how beautiful the simple life can be....and i absolutely do not mean simple in anywhere CLOSE to a derogatory life....i mean simple, basic, pure, natural, real, genuine.......mother earth simplicity and beauty....

we walked home, it was dark....it took a while, nothing is aroudn the corner, they're on a mountainside....Ganu's elder sister had returned home from the marriage ceremony she was out, we slept at her house the night before but still had not met the woman..... i found out that she is the head of the womans gorkhaland activist group...after eating, we sat around a fire....she still had hardly spoken or smiled at me....she had a very strong presence....i whispered to amy that she truly was such a strong collected woman, so much that she almost intimidated me....therefore SO much R-E-S-P-E-C-T....what a solid human being....what a solid WOMAN...they boiled some hot water and soaked my feet again to clean it all up....tended to again by these beatiful strangers....

you know i think its time to stop beacuase i could really just go on...i really am just amazed at what just happened...in such a different way then Varanasi.... these people here loved me without knowing anything about me really.... what does this say about human beings? about 'one love'? about genuine soul and caring? where are our priorities in the 'developed world'?

i have such mixed and confliciting emotions for all that i have been raised with...all the things that we do in canada, the way we treat eachother, the way we treat strangers....the fact that is is so strange to talk to others, and open up our souls to them....

after saying all of this....the longest email yet this trip, i know...and really i could sit down and continue....there are more bits....we came home, we celebrated all of our birthdays at Dikshas, we gave little gifts, we dressed up in our most beautiful clothes...we laughed, we ate, we held hands....

and now....i leave in just over an hour to Chennai, to the South, Ganu will come walk me to my ride...it will take 3 hours to get to the train station, then train till morning, take taxi to other train station, then 26 hour train ride down to Chennai....then i dont know where im sleeping.... i've been dealing with some serious dysentry to put it nicely since december 15, day after my birthday, so this very long journey may be a messy toughy....but hey...jin-di-gee.....life....

i have so much to think about....so much to be thankful for....Darjeeling has taught me a lifetime of lessons, and Amy too...she is not coming down with me...tomorrow she goes home to tend to her grandmother....after this time in Darjeeling....we have really had our eyes opened to what life is about.... in its truest form....

so, alas, i must go say goodbye to my little sister Diksha, my very very good friend and true Didi (sister) amy....i will miss her a lot...she taught me so much about myself, and we are leaving eachother with so much respect and knowledge from eachother....the tears are in....so i must go....

thank you so mcuh for listening, honestly...all that i can say is that i really hope that you listen to all that i am saying, and that you really really really do.....i really think we need to see what is happening in front of our eyes....like really see....with all of our senses, and all of our souls....

its not always easy, its not always happy, but at the same time, the truth behind all of it is so amazingly beautiful that it shoul d bring tears and humbleness to all of us....we should all be spending time praying and appreciating what we have... i am thankful to have come here and to have been opened up to wishing and praying and appreciating the little things, and making it part of my every day life....i am thankful that prayer and appreciation is part of my life....

and i can tell you that all of you have been in my thoughts...in some way or another....

enjoy....think, listen, feel, smell, touch.....and really listen and look.....please.....

with love...and birthday wishes from me to you...

sunni