babies almost a year old!!

3 tools that will need to be drawn upon... moving forward, in this baby rearing adventure:

1) my travelling experiences
2)hula-hooping/ drum-dancing
3)spiritual/meditation/yoga practice

milk flow transitioning into blood flow...

it started as a familiar throbbing tingling down in my yoni...( my vagina...the lower core of my wombynhood... womyn-honouring terminology)

and a sort of gassy cramping...in my frontal tummy,

i thought it felt familiar... but i didn't think anything more of it...

but then terell came home, and we put our 11-month twin babies to sleep, and i went to the bathroom...

and i saw it... red-ness...

MY BLOOD IS BACK!!!

it is such a bittersweet mixture of feelings... because it is a clear signal to me- that my milk supply has drastically decreased... i night weaned like 10 days ago- i stopped breastfeeding my babies overnight... from like 5:30 pm till 6:30 am...they used to breastfeed all throughout the day... and night... my breasts were full of milk and tender and tingly those first nights- itching for relief.. i went into the shower and massaged my breasts, to help the milk come out... i couldn't WAIT for the morning time to come, so i could be with my babies and breastfeed them...all 3 of us nooked in together... transitioning from nighttime to daytime- intimately <3 p="">
i stopped breastfeeding at night, so we could 'sleep train' them, to stop co-sleeping with us (one baby was with one parent in 2 different rooms- switching each night!)... to sleep together in their own cribs, in their own room...so they could get more sleep, so terell and i could start getting more sleep too... so him and i could sleep together again...

i knew what that would mean for me and breastfeeding... and i still did it... and now i sort of regret it a bit, but i also don't... but i also do...

i miss the intimacy with the babies... but i know it is really important for terell and my relationship, and for the well-being of our blossoming family, and it does feel REALLY good to have a little bit of stress-free freedom to be SUNNI as an independent humyn again... but i do miss the intimacy of nooking in with my babies... breastfeeding them, us curled into each other.. in the sweet dream time of the night, falling asleep and waking up with my breast leaking milk onto the bed and my babies... just creatures of the earth we are... with our amazing natural perfections... can you imagine? milk flowing from my breast??!!! i still cannot believe it...

well here i am now... milk still does flow from my breast, but i know in much LESSER quantities...  and my blood flow now JOINING my milk flow is a sure sign that my milk supply is not strong... my body decided it is no longer limiting my body from producing more babies- the babies are big enough- they are weaning from mama... (generally it is said that womyn who breastfeed don't get their periods/ovulate ... or are less likely too at least then womyn who DON'T breastfeed! i have fed our babies with much formula, but i also THANKFULLY breastfed!- this is Nature's way of giving the superbness that is WOMYN a break from getting pregnant again while taking care of brand new breastfeeding babies!)

my 'period' blood has not flowed through my body for approximately 20 months... 9 months of pregnancy... and my babies are almost 11 months old now...that is heading towards 2 years of NO bleeding on a monthly basis... no longer having this intimate time with myself monthly... to see the red appear on my underwear... reminding me to take  certain kind of extra care of myself... i have to take care to care for this blood coming from my body... to take care of myself as i feel the sensations move through me...body and mind and breathe....

time to pull out my reusable and my disposeable pads... time to dig through my underwear collection and find the ones to use for my time of bloodflow... time to get a new 'size 2' diva cup- a blood collecting cup designed for 'post-childbirth' yonis... like mine ;)

what a surprise this bloodflow was :) i was wondering when it would happen...

here it is... today, now...

i am going to go to the bathroom now... have a cleanse, and watch the water run a light red in the process...

how amazing and perfect creation is.

i didn't realize there were so many 'ends' happening, until i saw the beginnings...

sometimes you don't know things are gonna be over, until you are in the future, and look back and think...  wow, i didn't know then this would be the last time...

it's little things right now that i realize are done with with my babies... and i realize that what someone once told me is true... it goes fast, and you pass stages and then they are gone...

for example, we have been using a notebook to write down ALL the babies feedings since they were born, to keep track in our sleep-deprived brains who has been fed what and when... and when they were sick, who got what medicine and when... etc etc... they are getting close to 11 months old now.

i didn't realize that would become obsolete once we shifted into the babies being on a sleeping and eating schedule- which we are presently doing!!!  this is the 3rd day of the schedule, and so much has changed- mainly that they are being 'sleep trained', so we don't comfort them all the way to deep sleep anymore-through cuddling, breastfeeding, or formula... at bedtime, they cry a bit, then fall asleep on their own, and when they wake up in the night/naps, they cry again until they figure out how to sleep again... NOT needing to get them to sleep 3 times a day (bedtime and 2 naps), especially with 2 babies... IS A HUGE RELIEF!!!

i really never expected myself to put my babies on a schedule, ha ha... anyone who knows me knows that seems pretty unexpected for me... but then again, i never expected to have TWINS :) and it really does change everything for the baby-rearing game!!!

so these last few days, transitioning into a scheduled-routine, has been a HUGE shift for me and us...

something that has been a long time coming as the babies have been growing out of some of our past normalities...

another example of an 'ending'- 'Breastfeeding naps'...i really am thankful for my times of breastfeeding my babies... (i still am, but not as often, and less long intimate breastfeeding sessions especially that they eat so much solid food now)... We used to all nap together, they would tandem breastfeed, cuddle up in covers, nook in, and we would all fall asleep <3 ...="" a="" ago...="" anymore="" as="" asleep...="" being="" both="" but="" didn="" falling="" it="" month="" nap="" or="" p="" possibility...="" possible...="" so="" stopped="" sweet="" t="" then="" they="" weren="" work="">
i didn't realize those last times that sacred rest together happened, that they would be the last like that...

i DID realize those last couple nights PRE-sleep-training...those nights leading up to us building up the second crib, and turning the room that was once my co-sleeping room into PURELY the babies rooms... i DID realize those last couple nights that these would be the last nights i would sleep nooked in with my babies, breastfeeding them at our leisure- in that beautiful semi-conscious dream place... and i held them close...

of course EVERY day i hold them close and love them... but the times when i sleep with them- and all the sacred connection that those nights of sleep include... are over....

now they sleep together, side by side in their cribs, and today is our third day of scheduled routine... and i heard them laughing shortly after waking from their nap :) i guess this is the beginning of a new sacred normal... for them :) they are back together, and so are Terell and I.

For the first 10.5 months of their lives... we were all split up, yet together.... me with one baby in one room... terell with other baby in other room... and we'd swap every other night... so there was much bonding with parents and children... but not so much between parents and between babies... at night time that is...

i guess we too didn't realize that we would be apart for so long, terell and i... we didn't realize what was to unfold when these babies came out of me... we didn't realize how we were going to do ANYTHING!! wow... what a learning curve we have been on.

the fact that i am able to sit here, during the day, and type out my internal dialogue, IS AMAZING for me... it's been a long time i have had a conscious daytime session with myself... i have left the house during the daytime, but in these rare times i am usually rushing to be calm and check in with my body/mind/spirit at an indulgent yoga session ;) My daytime free time has definitely been sparse, and my brain and writing flow functions WAY better during sunlight hours :) this SILENCE and STILLNESS that i am surrounded by presently has been probably the MOST rare for me... i will relish in these moments in coming days- it is so refreshing...

i give thanks for the lessons that come with these endings...the ends of the stages and phases... that i loved and really cherished... i am thankful we co-slept and flowed for so long... and now i am thankful for this routine, that gives me some moments to be with MYSELF again... how sacred...

i didn't realize that having these babies would consume my every bit as much as it has and does and will continue too...

do not get me wrong though, THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY worth it all <3 p="">
i love my babies Montana and Yemaya, and my quirky partner Terell too.

the end of co-sleeping at 10.5 months....

these are our final 2 nights of co-sleeping... so its my last single night with each baby :(

it IS my decision to do this... to sleep train them and get them used to sleeping in their cribs in their own room...it is OUR decision- but it wouldn't happen without my go-ahead... i am pro-actively choosing it.

but i am definitely mourning this soon-to-be no-more-sleeping-ness with my babies...

looking at them, how i know their movements even in SLEEP so well...

this also is me night weaning them from breastfeeding... letting go of that sacred nightime relationship... i have fallen asleep MANY times and so have they, as i breastfeed them in the night...

that will all be over...

i dont think i thought about ALL these pieces that i would be letting go in sayin YES to cribs and sleep training...

i have really loved it... moments in those dreamy sleep times- and i realize my baby is nooked RIGHT into my body... it is so sensual and deeply emotional loving connected...

and to be woken up by them (as hard as it is also!)... them crawling up on me... poking at my face... making funny sounds... and then laughing when i open my eyes, and they realize i am awake too :)

but it's just gotten so hard.... switching babies every night, one with terell, one with me... and terell and i never sleeping together... NEVER, since the babies were born... 10.5 months ago...

as the babies have gotten more mobile, it's gotten less safe, and more stressful for terell to sleep with them, since he's a heavier sleeper, and is in a raised bed... ultimately he has been barricading them in with bed rails and objects, and he was just cramped in... when he's sleeping!!?? and that's not right... this was the breaking point for me... i was on a mattress on the floor- safe and comfortable.... terell was now sleeping on a fraction of a bed :(

it wasn't working anymore- the co-sleeping... and i tried to sleep with them both, and couldn't handle the responsibility- after all this time of the ease of looking after only one baby a night, two at night- when i take care of them both all day, and need to recover a bit at night... also that would leave terell alone- and he also hasn't been ALONE since we got together... so us co-sleeping WITHOUT him wouldn't work either...

so here we are, 2 eves away from the big start of 'sleep traning'... a yucky process with a positive and healthy end result... the babies gaining the ability to fall asleep on their own- so that they are well rested, thus happier and healthier... AND, US TOO!!!! :)

I look forward to more freedoms- to maybe go out at night, knowing my babies AND my partner are going to be okay...everyone is comfortable going to sleep and staying asleep, and thus i can go out and dance late one night, and come home spiritually nourished... tired from a late night, but ready in spirit/soul to continue caring for these quickly growing creatures :)

they are growing so fast- it's shocking as a parent.... how has it all happened so fast???

my sweet sleeping babies... cuddled up and nooked in in their own unique beautiful ways... sacred sleep patterns intertwined with my own... and terells...

i do feel fortunate and proud that we co-slept thus far... it has only deepened my loving relationship with them... and them with us... there is NOTHING unhealthy or problematic with co-sleeping with your babies- it's a sacred natural phenomenon- just as being naked with them is... we are humyn natural animal creatures...we eat, sleep, drink together... they came out of my body... we were naked....

and i feel fortunate and proud that i have breastfed thus far... and i am sad that the nighttime breastfeeding will be over... that maybe the most... because this is a very unique sacred relationship and time with my babies...

we used to all nap together- i would breastfeed them both and they would fall asleep at my breasts, and then so would i <3 ...="" and="" asleep="" but="" changed="" doesn="" fall="" has="" have="" i="" in="" lady="" montana="" month...="" my="" p="" past="" so="" t="" that="" the="" to="" too="" up="" usually...="" wake="">
i am beginning to mourn the losses that come with parenting, as the babies grow OUT of phases of growth... there are SO many special beautiful bits to honour and love and appreciate... and when something that you really loved just stops, and disappears... they have moved on to the next bit... leveled up... for you- as an adult parent... it's over... and you didn't know those were the last times you would ever share that specific beautiful phenomenon...

anyways... I've gotta get ready to sleep... tonight it's my last night with yemaya...my little snuggler, my early riser- with smiles and silly laughter of joy and cackles... she will move around all night, and always find a way to touch me <3 at="" her="" i="" miss="" much...="" night="" p="" so="" will="">
tomorrow Montana... my solid deep sleeper... he will wake up suddenly and start crawling right on top of me... on top of my face, my stomach...and i will have to pull his big heavy body off of me, to move him down to my breast to settle him back to sleep... and we will fall asleep like that... until the next time we wake....

i will LOVE being able to sleep without having to wake up once or so to make a bottle... and i will LOVE not having to...hardly....move...in fear of waking up a baby...or squeezing myself into smaller areas of the bed... so as to not wake a baby...

and i will love sleeping with terell again... cuddled into my chosen life partner, to rekindle our companion relationship that we put on hold to sleep with, and take good care of our babies...now we can take care of each other again (as well as the babies- who are not really babies anymore, but almost toddlers!!)... honour each other at nighttime...

so much intimacy occurs in just sleeping with and beside your partner... and i have missed it too... i LOVE my baby cuddles and sleeping relationships...but i miss terells too.

gracias pachamama for this truly amazing experience thus far.... it's been amazing, and EXHAUSTING :) I LOVE them so much....

and please, in the next week or so... support us with love and calm and ease and REST as we make this transition all together...

time to 'level up' as my brother says...

gulp....

friends help me to SEE (myself as a Mama!)

i am now over 7 months in, deep in mama-hood to my twins... montana and yemaya!

 

the winter holidays have just finished, it is january 3rd and everyone goes back to work and school and regular functioning society tomorrow.

Over these recent days, i have had many visitors. I have gotten to reconnect with many great friends that are too busy to REGULARLY make the journey out to our now no-longer downtown-central home, but 30 minutes trek east of downtown home ;) 

These visits from friends, and my thorough enjoyment has prompted me to write this moment.

what i have realized more so now with babies... is that good friends, in SEEING you, and what your present life is... sort of legitimizes, actualizes, gives FORM and TRUTH to your day-to-day reality.

My babies are over 7 months now, and they are crawling, and have teeth, and are growing more :) They are eating, and making sounds that sound like words, or the beginnings of words... daa daaa, maaa maaa.... 

Day in and day out... i wake, and go to sleep with these 2 small humyns.

I am absolutely caught up with their every single set of flowing movements.

I am no longer JUST sunni (though i AM too!)... but i am more like Sunni + Montana + Yemaya.

I have left home many times, as Terell is a wonderful working partner, that recognizes that when i say i need to go out... i do... 

But it still is rare that i really leave and go out for extended periods... but i do, on average once a week. Sometimes to do a short delicious yoga class and grocery shop (solo!)... sometimes to have a couple drinks and dance with some friends :)

For the most part, i am a trio... my little trio crew <3 div="">

So i sort of have lost a bit of my sense of independence... and also do not see the significance of what is happening here- the shocking rate at which these babies that it feels like SO recently emerged from my body (i still cannot believe it!!!), are CHANGING and growing.

They are blossoming...

like a swollen flower they come into this world...

fully, completely THEM... their personalities and souls, contained in that beautiful form...fresh from mama's body, fresh out of womyn's body...

of creation.

And they eventually... with ALL the care and love we can fathom, as parent's... as mothers... and it's hard for us mamas after delivery and labour... to gather up energy...

but we absolutely find it. these are our babies <3 div="">

Over hours, and days, and weeks and months... the babies personalities and beautiful special quirks blossom, unfold, emerge... they are there all along, right from the very beginning... i know this now, after this beautiful becoming of a parent... but we ALL begin this physical expression of a lifetime complete- as our WHOLE personality...

the petals loosen... the flower opens.

there are layers and layers... pretty beautiful abundant layers of beautiful petals... full and lush and gentle.

babies are like that... i guess that adults must be like that too... they are... because we humyns were born that way.

I am full time simply watching and honoring and enjoying their blooming blossoming unfoldings... watching... my little boy and girl... become their older embodied version of themselves... growing every moment.

I am not going to say they are growing wiser... as i think we talk like that, but the truth is, they are born with TRUE wisdom... just because they learn how to 'walk' and 'talk', does not make one WISE...

they were born looking in our eyes... being ONE with their natural self.

i think they were, and humyns are, BORN wise... natural.

its beautiful to watch them unfold... see what our teachings, and the teachings of this OUTER world will do to them...

When i get to share time and space... good quality time and space... with friends and family... when they get to cuddle and smile and play and laugh... giggle, and bounce... do all the things that my babies invite us big folks to do, when faced with babies... THEN i get to see my babies in a different sort of CLARITY.

I see how they are shy sometimes, and super giggly others... i see how they cuddle and nook in with some friends and family... and how their gentleness and silliness makes these adults feel full-hearted.

Terell and i are truly doing the BULK of raising these 2 creatures i love... truthfully, and this point in time... our communities are not exactly raising our children.... the village is not exactly closeby or super-intere-connected...  Alas, this is our destiny and karma, these 2 babies jumped into my body together, a sweet little sneaky surprise... they chose to come together, embodied in this existence.

It also is our culture and society... villages are NOT raising children... we are all too split up, and focused on ourselves... even i am, we are... just trying to raise our babies happy and healthy at this point.

So when our close friends and family come by... and they play, and cuddle... and see what we have done... when they empathize with me for moments... understand what my FULL-time has been for the past 7+ months...l feel SO proud of us ALL...

for how awesome-special-beautiful-smart-inquisitive my lovely twin baby boy and girl are (i am SO biased!!!)... and for how Terell and i have done as parents so far...

and ultimately, proud of MYSELF. for doing it... for taking the leap, and becoming the mama i dreamt of being for years... knowing i could do it- the whole package- pregnancy, birthing, and the biggest... RAISING them... and i love it, i love them <3 div="">

and i thank all my friends, and family, and people who have stopped and offered POSITIVE words of wisdom for me along the way...or people who have just smiled at me... all the old ladies who peek into my stroller, and ask 'twins?' with a smile and cute look of shock... and i say 'yes' with a smile back! I thank those people for in those moments, honouring and acknowledging the challenging miracle it is to have babies and especially to have MULTIPLE babies at once :)

These people all help ME to see what i am so involved in, and cannot always see.

Me as a mama, and my babies <3 div="">