i am no longer in my prime....
what has made me think this... as i listen to some beautiful indian prayer music...i reflect on a past relationship, where i believe i was in a pretty 'prime' place in life...
and now i do not feel that i am anymore... :)
sounds pretty downer... perhaps it is, perhaps i am....
but i mean, there was a time, when i was going out all night, where i could dance and play and frolick in costume and dance through streets and aisles and laugh and smile....
freely, abundantly.... at my own leisure.... in my costumes of choice...
now i am preparing to 'conform' :)
i have many of those yearnings still... but i have 'curbed' them a bit.
i hear these beautiful sounds from around the world.... on my favourite radio shows... and when i am able to be in this indulgent moment, to just listen and enjoy them with NO interruptions...
i remember and recall... all those sounds and smells and faiths and colours and cultures and sounds....
such diversity of everything around the world... and yet here in canada toronto... my life... we and I are so limited...
yes there are plentitudes of 'cultural events' that are AMAZING, but ONE- i cannot participate in most of those for too many reasons... and TWO- they are moments, and they are snapshots... but they are not such full encapsulating experiences like BEING IN another place...where those sounds and smells and patterns and movements and prayers and WAYS are surround sound and full-sensual-immersions and moreso, REALITIES.
I was talking to my kids the other day...which is STILL my full-time job, so may i remind you they are also almost my 'co-workers'...they are certainly my main company.... sigh....
but i was talking to them, telling them where all my tattoos and piercings are from.... india, belize, ethiopia, australia....canada....
i have been to all those places, and have special meaningful real messages and marks on my body to NEVER forget... i have been there, i have done that.
i feel like i have been in denial of all these amazing experiences i have done, as if they do not have a place in my life anymore. which is totally absurd, because all of these adventures are (some of) the main ingredients in which my life has been formed out of....
formed, evolved, fragmented, nourished by....somewhat forgotten... back-burnered....slightly denied or squashed.... not given attention to, or not honouring as it all should be.
i should be PURE proud of it all... ALL... even the past-lover parts, and the dangerous/silly/'irresponsible' parts...100%
...
so i sit here... listening to the radio, this amazing french show that really showcases world/cross-genre and time music.... and just flow along following different memories and feelings and sounds...remembering, feeling....
i have done a lot. I am no longer in my 'prime'. i am no longer that solo free womyn frolicking....
this makes me sad sometimes/often.... because it has been the meaning i have GROWN to attach to my life.
my mom died wheni was a kid, my hair fell out...i learned to teach myself what was important, who to listen to, what to pay attention to...and for many years i just let SOUL stuff lead....
that was when i was 'in my prime'....for that whole shifting into SUNNI RAINBOW ROCHELLE...from beautiful rochelle elise jacobs.... goddess rest my soul ;)
into the present me sunni rainbow rochelle....
who hangs out now with kids in costumes at sunset on playgrounds feeding her babies that she loves so muhc little oranges.... crying just a little bit at how much i love them.
(tho i am sure moments/days before and after do and will i feel so stressed and frustrated at how HARD it has been to raise them)
i am just no longer in my prime....
but perhaps i can evolve back towards a different expression of 'prime'. i guess prime generally is 'all the ideal things'....
but haven't my ideals changed? so much of my brain power in actuality is centred around MY KIDS....
i guess that will all change, in approximately 36 hours actually... when they go to daycare, and that transition happens eventually... and then, a big bulk of my headspace is NO LONGER devoted to CARE for them...
then perhaps i get to visit with myself again, for some interesting extended periods of time.... see what i like again, in a really true comfortable way... or ways that i feel comfortable expanding my 'boundaries' in/out of... some of those boundaries are up for reasons perhaps i just don't like anymore...
and once i have my independence a bit more available....
who will i become?
SCREW prime, SCREW those ideas.... NEVER forget those amazing parts of MY HERSTORY.
i did all that...
i give thanks to ALL the circumstances that made that all happen (thanks namely to pachamama, and all her creations, and the people who are NOT assholes that harm others just to get ahead, and may i PLEASE make better decisions moving forward to be more conscious of this and that.... there are too many DESERVING folks in the UNIVERSE who just deserve WAY more ease than they have, and MY privilege absolutely plays a role in their challenging positions.... i would like to EVERY DAY remember that more. and i GENUINELY wish for my kids to find their own relationship with being TRULY conscious of this too.)
i wonder if one day again i will be able to travel. be able to perhaps get something marked on my body from the rest of the continents... where am i lacking.... south america, europe, antarctica. i have been to the former two, just didn't get 'marked'.
these can be dreams.... for now... as i listen.... just dream....
until i die, i will feel... and i will listen...
and now i will try my best (need to do BETTER)...To impart this knowledge to my kids too. these feelings and LISTENING... with all our senses....
to pachamama sounds and reminders....
prime is a ridiculous concept anyways to pachamama....mother earth jah creation god universe
it's all relative....and sacred actually.
...
what has made me think this... as i listen to some beautiful indian prayer music...i reflect on a past relationship, where i believe i was in a pretty 'prime' place in life...
and now i do not feel that i am anymore... :)
sounds pretty downer... perhaps it is, perhaps i am....
but i mean, there was a time, when i was going out all night, where i could dance and play and frolick in costume and dance through streets and aisles and laugh and smile....
freely, abundantly.... at my own leisure.... in my costumes of choice...
now i am preparing to 'conform' :)
i have many of those yearnings still... but i have 'curbed' them a bit.
i hear these beautiful sounds from around the world.... on my favourite radio shows... and when i am able to be in this indulgent moment, to just listen and enjoy them with NO interruptions...
i remember and recall... all those sounds and smells and faiths and colours and cultures and sounds....
such diversity of everything around the world... and yet here in canada toronto... my life... we and I are so limited...
yes there are plentitudes of 'cultural events' that are AMAZING, but ONE- i cannot participate in most of those for too many reasons... and TWO- they are moments, and they are snapshots... but they are not such full encapsulating experiences like BEING IN another place...where those sounds and smells and patterns and movements and prayers and WAYS are surround sound and full-sensual-immersions and moreso, REALITIES.
I was talking to my kids the other day...which is STILL my full-time job, so may i remind you they are also almost my 'co-workers'...they are certainly my main company.... sigh....
but i was talking to them, telling them where all my tattoos and piercings are from.... india, belize, ethiopia, australia....canada....
i have been to all those places, and have special meaningful real messages and marks on my body to NEVER forget... i have been there, i have done that.
i feel like i have been in denial of all these amazing experiences i have done, as if they do not have a place in my life anymore. which is totally absurd, because all of these adventures are (some of) the main ingredients in which my life has been formed out of....
formed, evolved, fragmented, nourished by....somewhat forgotten... back-burnered....slightly denied or squashed.... not given attention to, or not honouring as it all should be.
i should be PURE proud of it all... ALL... even the past-lover parts, and the dangerous/silly/'irresponsible' parts...100%
...
so i sit here... listening to the radio, this amazing french show that really showcases world/cross-genre and time music.... and just flow along following different memories and feelings and sounds...remembering, feeling....
i have done a lot. I am no longer in my 'prime'. i am no longer that solo free womyn frolicking....
this makes me sad sometimes/often.... because it has been the meaning i have GROWN to attach to my life.
my mom died wheni was a kid, my hair fell out...i learned to teach myself what was important, who to listen to, what to pay attention to...and for many years i just let SOUL stuff lead....
that was when i was 'in my prime'....for that whole shifting into SUNNI RAINBOW ROCHELLE...from beautiful rochelle elise jacobs.... goddess rest my soul ;)
into the present me sunni rainbow rochelle....
who hangs out now with kids in costumes at sunset on playgrounds feeding her babies that she loves so muhc little oranges.... crying just a little bit at how much i love them.
(tho i am sure moments/days before and after do and will i feel so stressed and frustrated at how HARD it has been to raise them)
i am just no longer in my prime....
but perhaps i can evolve back towards a different expression of 'prime'. i guess prime generally is 'all the ideal things'....
but haven't my ideals changed? so much of my brain power in actuality is centred around MY KIDS....
i guess that will all change, in approximately 36 hours actually... when they go to daycare, and that transition happens eventually... and then, a big bulk of my headspace is NO LONGER devoted to CARE for them...
then perhaps i get to visit with myself again, for some interesting extended periods of time.... see what i like again, in a really true comfortable way... or ways that i feel comfortable expanding my 'boundaries' in/out of... some of those boundaries are up for reasons perhaps i just don't like anymore...
and once i have my independence a bit more available....
who will i become?
SCREW prime, SCREW those ideas.... NEVER forget those amazing parts of MY HERSTORY.
i did all that...
i give thanks to ALL the circumstances that made that all happen (thanks namely to pachamama, and all her creations, and the people who are NOT assholes that harm others just to get ahead, and may i PLEASE make better decisions moving forward to be more conscious of this and that.... there are too many DESERVING folks in the UNIVERSE who just deserve WAY more ease than they have, and MY privilege absolutely plays a role in their challenging positions.... i would like to EVERY DAY remember that more. and i GENUINELY wish for my kids to find their own relationship with being TRULY conscious of this too.)
i wonder if one day again i will be able to travel. be able to perhaps get something marked on my body from the rest of the continents... where am i lacking.... south america, europe, antarctica. i have been to the former two, just didn't get 'marked'.
these can be dreams.... for now... as i listen.... just dream....
until i die, i will feel... and i will listen...
and now i will try my best (need to do BETTER)...To impart this knowledge to my kids too. these feelings and LISTENING... with all our senses....
to pachamama sounds and reminders....
prime is a ridiculous concept anyways to pachamama....mother earth jah creation god universe
it's all relative....and sacred actually.
...
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