seeing and GENUINELY BE-ing empathized with, is SIMPLY affirming.

because i guess i am a bit of a 'negatives first', but 'end with positives' kinda lady...

i will start with... we all have our SHIT we need to talk about, and offload...

some of us GENUINELY don't want to have any of it, so would like to offload it, and move on to the better stuff we are hopefully working towards in our lives...

but in order to get to the positives... i am afraid we have to deal with the poop.

it's part of the package of this lifetime... the poop is actually part of the 'day to day' reality of  humyn-ness. NOW, i am actually talking the tangible TRUE poop (and simultaneously, i am obviously talking about the philosophical ideas of poop)... WE POOP every day.... if we don't, we're not so healthy.... and since i am twin-toddler deep in reality... poop is part of my every day....three-fold... MINE, my daughter's and my son's.

sometimes, i'm even conscious of my partner's poop-ness.... in the tangible simple poop-sense ;) i deal with and encounter much actual poop.

so... the poopiness, the challenging/stinky/yucky/perhaps a bit of a release tho in releasing the RAGE/emotions/stinky poops....it's all very much part of this life, as a humyn.

so it's gotta be dealt with in a good way.... released... cleaned up in a hygenic way...taken-care of... but it has to come out.

and i realized today, after yet another great friend hang out.... that generally, we all have our 'shits', and we all have our joys.

obviously we all *want* to be focusing on the joys, and feel *guilty* for bringing in our 'negatives'/challeneges/SHIT.... but somehow, one of us will often start with 'tha shit', just bring it out, which opens up the space for each one of us... it generally comes out as a load... that just needs to be offloaded fairly quickly... and once in the presence of a good friend... phew.... outbreathe....out it comes...

and honestly....just releasing it... and to be HEARD, and FELT... just simply SEEN....

'i am feeling and experiencing this right now and it feels.... hard/yucky/stinky/shitty'

to be hear and seen and felt...by folks who genuinely care for you... and in that moment, are simply LISTENING to you.

you feel heaps lighter... like a weight has been lifted... the pressure has been released.

everything is way easier- to VIEW as POSSIBLE and POSITIVE after... once the shit has come out and been cleanly and simply acknowledged. and having less attachment to this idea that we NEED to be positive, and acknowledging that we ALL have to deal with tha shit on the daily/regular basis, makes it WAY easier to just let it go... and move on.

we all want to move on to the joy...i know i consciously do... and i LOVE that i have folks in my life who can remind me of these principles that i TRULY believe in, and worked towards for enough time. I can still feel ANGRY at parts of this world and life, yet simultaneously believe in being happy. it is true.

give thanks for things making sense... when you have folks in your life who are open to receiving some of your shit, so you can all end with a good dose of nourishment and positivity <3 p="">
(and thanks to any of you whom ACTUALLY just read this semi-philosophical writing piece that paralleled the experience of SHIT ;) i'm not sorry for my swearing, my kids cannot read and are asleep ;) )

growing my 'hair'

every year, around this time and season... i seem to 'let' my hair grow longer...

my little bits and pacthes of 'baby' hair that grow on my head... i just don't want to cut 'em... just yet.

i know it looks 'funny', it's bizarre to have just bits and pieces growing....

generally i shave it, these recent years....

there was a time when my head and even much of my body was COMPLETELY bald, no hair stubbles to show on my head, and even my eyebrows for a period of time...

although it actually has been TIMES- i have gone bald from a full head of hair TWICE in my lifetime..

but i think since occupy toronto, when i let my wisps grow long.... (as seen in the reuters video on the 'video' area of this blog))....every year i just let it grow.

inside me, in my mindset, there's a certain 'carefree-ness'.... like i just want to show it, let people see what i ACTUALLY look like.

i guess i want to see too....

i mean, all year long i shave it off... so i generally DON'T get to see what i TRULY look like...

now, loooking at myself, i get to see how much hair i ACTUALLY have.... how the patterns actually look.

and it's dark now... i think if it was summer, and i ACTAULLY wasn't wearing a scarf, i think the sun would bleach my fine little hairs fast... right now, with no sunshine ;) it's just looking dark, almost black.

i appreciate my self... and my hair.

it is ME, naturally... and WHY NOT be myself <3 p="">

possible pre-cancerouos cells in my body?...wow...

so, 2 papsmeres, first just deemed 'abnormal'...second gave more details...and next step is a closer look.

it's a weird kind of surprising thing to know and find out.

i mean, in the past, pre- super-technologized world... we humyns would constantly have weird 'abnormal' shiftings in our bodies original 'normal'...i mean, ALL bodies break down, and die.

we all die... and we all die from a range of our once mostly PERFECT bodies just decreasing in function... function to fight off weird viruses... or bacteria... from 'broken' bits of fibres/bones/cells/organs...

so in the past, when our teeth hurt, or we felt a pain in our bodies... i am sure we spoke of them, went to our family/community medicine/healer person... and they offered us what they could, and we trusted in them, and these ways... or came to some kind of peace with these physical embodiments that 'felt' different, perhaps in pain...

and more likely, maybe we didn't even feel the pain, or know the severity of it... until it really started to take us down.... to kill us.

now, I'm not saying i am fully 'dying', i don't think that at all..i don't really generally think that way...

sometimes it's quite clear you need to take health problems seriously, in particular moments.. but until i KNOW there's something wrong, I'm not going to necessarily 'fret' over it (I do fret in other ways, but not body health stuff ;) )

but it is a very interesting position to suddenly have a 'tangible' thang to reflect over... that i may have to reflect on.

what has been found in these abnormal paps, are cells of a certain variation, that are of a more concerning nature ('moderately or severely abnormal' says the internet ;) )...ones that need to be looked at immediately, and removed and biopsied ideally.

it's kind of interesting to me to watch my train of thoughts....

it's surprising that my 'lady parts' not so long ago *i THINK* were in perfect condition...i mean, i had twins 2.5 years ago.... and my body was a super trooper for the whole pregnancy.... so like what happened? what changed?... and it happened kind of fast, no?

also, this 'knowing' of something, that in the past days i spoke of.... i wouldn't have known this....

GUARANTEED i was going to die eventually, and that things will DEFINITELY fall apart, stop functioning, in their own unique combinations of ways (just as birth happens...)...but i wouldn't know of this possible 'pre' death step...

it's interesting...

to know more of our health/mis-health... how much it potentially does for us...?!

As long as i (and my boyfriend!) can minimize fear...and instead let it bring focus and clarity... about principles of living, and priorities of care and time...then i guess i am ok with the 'knowing'....

wish me 'luck'?!

community and friendship are in my top VALUES.

friends.... are community.

people we have crossed path in our lives, at very special times... long times ago, or recent times...

hopefully in good times, but perhaps we forged over difficult times....

but we share a sense of comraderie... of confidance... of communication, and respect, and support.

as i reflect on my core values... things that really make ME and my LIFE feel right...

friends and community- folks that 'fit' into these categories, really serve to ground me.

and not just that they 'serve' me, because it has been noted about me, that i am self-centered.

i am self-centered, perhaps more than others, because my Mom died, and i had to become my OWN mother.

the thing about MOTHERS, is they ARE centered in their CARE for whom they care for.

they do not have the LUXURY (if they have chosen to BE mothers) to step away so easily from those they care for.

if i stopped caring for myself, then i would have fallen through the cracks fast. I am gad my mother, and the different role models and mentors i have had in my life have helped me to learn to 'take care of myself'.

NOWadays, my friends and my community, who i see too sparingly... REMIND me to take care of myself. REMIND me of the principles that we once and CONTINUE to connect on.

those principles and values that WE TOO share together.

sometmes we connect in dance and joyful expressions and reggae and world music companionship...

sometimes we connect in geographical roots- we once lived and loved together in kensingtnon market culture... or perhaps we lived and loved in a different part of the world, travelling together...

sometimes we connect on buddhist meditation practice- sharing retreats and sangha and ideals to live by....

sometimes we connect in motherhood- we have met and bonded during this time...evolved and laughed and cried as we are exhausted because of lack of sleep... as we have watched our kids grown up through crawling into walking... through sounds into talking... through mushy food to meals and 'manners'... we have watched our bodies change in shape and breastfeeding and blood flowing again... to fertile bodies once again...

these friends, whom i ideally see a few a week... here and there, sometimes without, but usually WITH my children- whom now make me not one but 3 HUMYNS i share my values/body/food/tears/laughter/ETC with....

these friends feel like my saviours. they acknowledge and recognize and reflect and honour and nurture and support me.... to keep going.

my children are such a combination of energies for me... they feed me, yet TOTALLY zap me. i love them and don't want to be apart from them.... YET I NEED MY SPACE AND HEADSPACE SO BAD... so that i can properly take care of them.

so while they 'serve' me, to take care of me...my friends and the folks i intimately share my inner nature with- they too do the same.

We share our trials and tribulations... we reason... we eat together, we dance and get merry together... we cry together, and talk and talk.... if we did't have so many children about- im sure at this point in life we would probably also be sharing much more silence together too ;) and that's a beautiful thing.

as i age a bit more, now that i am a mother (and it certainly 'matures' one)...my values in life have shifted much more towards the real raw and yet also STABLE and grounded-ness existing in my life.

friends are like that... when they are proper friends... they are trees, in the forests of our lives.

and may we all hve forests.... sigh...

may we all have these supportive understanding forests... and may we also all feel supported BY the real thang... FORESTS.

i need to get myself to the forests...to lie down in a bed of pine needles....(or snow since it's coming )...

there's nothing like being in the forest with folks you love though....

i give thanks for folks that i can share such love with.... the friendship speckles that make up my 'community' of support.

it all trickles down into my children...and for this i am thankful.