Trying not to
cry….instead I will write.
There are 2 or
maybe 3 things I should actually ALWAYS do when I feel too many feelings, I am
having a hard time keeping under wraps…
Write, Hula
Hoop…. Yoga…. And really simple easy accessible ones…. Breathe. A deep breathe
in and out…. Or dance and laugh… (because most of the time I can’t *really* do
the writing or hula hooping or proper yoga these days…. Because, well… I am a
MOM of TWINS!!! J
Keeping focused
now… on that number one= WRITING.
I just received a
package in the mail, unexpected… super genuine meaningful life-long meaning
package.
A class that I
was supposed to attend tonight was cancelled… AND it’s a full moon… AND I just
picked up this unexpected package thankfully now…
Universal Alignment.
A chance to
write… with this fertile fertilizer to work with… this meaningful package….
Veda and her
Husband Guy are from a small town outside London Ontario, where i grew up.
Veda was my
‘social’ worker when my mom died… I think she was also my Mother’s. Her role definitely
was to support me as my mom died… I was probably 6-8 years old for the time
that Veda officially saw me. And I am
now 34 and she is sending me packages. She broke/found loopholes in rules to
maintain this relationship with me… I give thanks.
That is most of
my life… (and I am now holding back tears, as I am in a café, and I just
overall don’t want to waste my precious free time crying ;) (I can do that in
my day-to-day-life as I encounter frustrations within myself, as I raise my
toddler twins ;), hopefully not in public for those moments either J…but I digress….again…
)
Veda and I have
really minimized our contact these last years, as I have moved into
relationship- and mama-hood role.
I wish I was a
person who stayed in better touch with the key folks in my life… but, alas,
life/socializing/choice/life/I…. am not the best with that… this is some of my
GUILT talking…
I have touched
many humyns in this lifetime, in a good way… and there are many key humyns who
have influenced me in mine… in good and profound ways. Short-terms, and not as
many long-terms…
I am too much a
product of my family/society… I don’t believe in it, but it’s how it is…impermanence…
in solid foundational relationships too.
This Womyn, and
her noble husband… are too many words to put into words ;)
Like all humyns,
they have wonderful qualities, (and I am sure also more non-wonderful qualities
that only those super intimate with them would know ;) ). But their wonderful
qualities are truly wonderful…
I want to list
all their accolades, those of which I only know a small portion of…. But I will
just ‘use’ them (lovingly) now, to
reflect on special Goodnesses that ARE possible in humanity…
right now… they
are my ‘food for thought’ in this sacred ‘writing’ moment…their kindness will
be the contextual container for me to SIMULTANEOUSLY express my alternatively
frustrated and sad feelings of the world in…
…
So I am gonna
jump in… and I will link up the ‘Veda and Guy’ story…. afterwords…
…
I have been doing
something that I generally don’t do… I have been reading the news recently,
reading the mainstream media headlines online- about too much awfulness- that a
large portion of the world is actually existing in… and it’s NOT safe for these
people... They are dying and starving and being bombed and raped and killed.
My fellow humyns.
I have caught my
kids in recent days saying… ‘only boys do this’, or something that is
‘blanketting’ based on gender.
My response is
something like… ‘ all people are equal, we are all humyns, we all poop, we are
all alive. No boys or girls can or can’t do this… we can all do everything if
we want.’
How is it that my
guys are so safe here (I give so much thanks!!!)…. But how? Honestly.
I feel so sad and a bit sick… as I should… like,
what the fuck….
There are too
many locations or countries in the world that are totally isolated in their
suffering… and their suffering is far greater than I will ever know…or am
unlikely to at least…
And yet *I* FEEL
isolated often here in my little east-end Toronto (no longer in my
ex-neighbourhood of a decade Kensington Market!)…. Mama to twins, life so
completely different than anything I have ever lived before.
…
As I was walking
to my (unbeknownst to me) cancelled class, I walked by a mosque, it’s special
rounded top, and colourful pointy tip… and behind it was the beautiful FULL
moon….
I had a range of
feelings inside me that cannot be put into words again…
Memories,
locations, sounds, sensations…
I remember being
in places around the world…. I remember a Muslim cemetery in Ethiopia… I
remember hearing prayers in the middle of the night/early morning really… I
remember full moons, all over the world…
I think of too
many folks in Muslim-majority countries… just being slaughtered, decimated…
genocide happening as the world ‘watches’… reports on it… it’s just a story I
read from my super safe home, as I hold me children, as they fall asleep at my
breast… warm, cozy, growing, safe…
I think of even
these folks here… to be an ‘obvious’ Muslim humyn in Canada… being targeted, killed
in their very own safe holy places… mosques just like this one… People ACTUALLY
*hate* these folks…and they KILL them…
I honestly honour
so many scarved- womyn or men in their (excuse my ignorant explanation…)
special Islamic hats and gear…as I walk by them, a respectful moment, a wish
for them…. I know it’s not easy for them just to BE themselves in many places
they walk…. Why is that?
Why all of this
inequality and harm and killing and death….. how is it allowed…. Why is it all
happening…
I feel like I
know the general basic answer, and hardly any of the specific facts… but I can
tell you it has to do with all those ‘yucky’ ‘sinful’ qualities in humyns that
we DO:
Greed, jealousy, fear…. Selfishness…
And bigger
concepts (that come from all that)…
Patriarchy, Colonialism, Capitalism.
Racism. Islamophobia, Homophobia…TOO many shameful ‘ism’s
It’s the system
that we humyns have let ourselves fall into… and it is now a WORLD system….
There are
beautiful nooks in every NOOK of this beautiful Pachamama globe, that still
have these admirably genuine real cultures that are minimally affected by this
infectious Capitalist mentality and POWER-imbalance…. BUT these beautiful
places exist all over the still-present World…
This beauty and
connection still exists WITHIN US, within us humyn’s… it is what keeps us
alive, it is the spark that brings us LIFE… but it is the SEEING and knowing
and loving and appreciating that- that is the KEY….
There are humyn’s
that are still practicing with their original languages and food and earth and
water practices… their rituals that connect them to their people past, and
their land, and each other, and their stories….
But so many of
these places and these people… and their lands… are being destroyed in the name
of ‘development’… these beautiful bodies of water…. These beautiful forests…
animals, HUMAN BEINGS…. Children- beautiful little ones…. The Womyn- these
sacred womyn who grew these humyns inside them, who worked so hard to feed and
GROW these children and families and partners… to keep them healthy and fed and
clean…. These men…. Who were once young baby ones themselves… who had just as
much potential to be WONDERFUL…. And so many are… but, too many of the MEN are
in power… and too many of them are WHITE. And too many of them are WEALTHY.
And they just
don’t know what they ACTUALLY are doing to the world and each other… to our
FELLOW beings. And they actually do NOT even care. But yet…. If it was their
mom/sister/son/brother…they would be as sick to their stomach/soul/everything….
WHAT are we doing
to each other….
Deep breathe and
break moment….
…
So, what am I
getting at here… other than ranting and letting of some internal steam!!? J
The question of ‘What
can I do?’… from ‘over here’…in my bubble…(let’s be honest….really…)
I had my times in life, where I actively did
more…
And now I am in a
position, for a range of reasons, definitely all by choice, but some more
‘situational’ too… but still by choice… Could I do more? Yes…. I know people
who DO… and I just honour them… so much…my respect is profound for the ‘living
activists’…those who are devouted to the righteous ‘causes’ that deepest down I
KNOW we should ALL be devoted to…they do it for US. (you beautiful righteous
political activists!!!!!!)
There is SO much
injustice here in this world…. It’s gross. It’s here…. All over my every
footstep and neighbourhood… and city and culture and fricking country and land…
It’s not even mine… YES, I was born here… but I do not truly have the original
real connection to it.
And honestly, the
native humyns, from this land (‘Canada’)… who really had the connection… the
awfulness done to them, is a whole
additional set of feelings and words… many of the same as listed above…. But
Residential Schools of the past, the disgusting religious Pathology that did
that to them…. And the way the present disgusting Policing ways of culture now…
killing them, too many REAL missing indigenous HUMYN womyn….
They, and their
true history… hold the answers and the key to taking care of the awful-ness we
humyns have done….
Those humyns with
the power…. The ‘decision’ makers and policy-makers…
The ones who
decide that building oil pipelines across sacred land is a good idea…. Or
withholding aid or money to folks in famines in ‘war’-torn countries, or taking
water from holy bodies of water to manufacture ANYTHING.
I HATE that I
participate in it all…. HATE.
Arggg….
So, I see my rage
coming through, I see my qualities of myself that don’t come out often, and it
needs to be released… it needs to be worked with… like a clay…. Molded, worked
with, and through…
Veda, gave me my
first journal… she gave me this idea… of writing being an ‘outlet’ to my
feelings.
My mom was dying…
she gave me a nice little journal with a key, and a small floral-y pen… I can
picture it in my head…
It is a gift to
receive guidance from caring folks… it is a gift to have folks who can take
care of you at different points in your life…
It is a gift to
have folks who love you… who choose to care for you. Who reach out to you.
Who teach you
about being good humyns.
They were good
humyns… they still are good humyns.
And they are just
humyns… not super-magical-heros… no ‘super-powers’…
But kind humble
genuine humyns.
Receiving such an
unexpected beautiful gift from them tonight…. Holds a lot of meaning and
feelings.
They teach me
AGAIN….
this package is full
of the travel-emails I wrote from all over the world… big blabbers of words
JUST like this ;) full of insights from
my experiences as I spent months in jungles and cities and temples and
forests…. Touching rivers and oceans and deserts and creatures and fruits and
foods and materials and smelling smells and seeing and hearings so many sights
and sounds…
The rationale
behind them sending me this package is so my kids can know who I was, pre-mama…
so they have the tangible old-school paper copies of it J
I have so many
moments as a mom…. Teeny moments where I recall something… there are so many
‘things’ to recall….
Veda and Guy are ALSO
passing these things on to me, so THEIR
kids won’t have to ‘deal’ with these beautiful folders of THEIR memories…. They
are thinking of THEIR kids… relieving them of the responsibility of dealing
with THEIR attachments… it’s quite beautiful…. More teachings, about how to age
consciously…. To ‘make’ peace, in all facets of your life… and yet also centred
around your KIDS…selfless…
I thank Veda and
Guy (Sincerely, I thank you.), and I thank all the folks who I do NOT properly stay in touch with in this
lifetime at this point…
I only hope that
I can integrate/re-integrate so much of the beauty of my past…. With my kids,
and whatever my future holds…
May it be a
future that somehow can fucking have a better effect on the gross injustices
that my too-powerful society/skin-colour/country participates in every day in
damage….
May my kids know
that none of the ‘differences’ that make up boy/girl/race/ethnicity/insert all
fucking annoying labels HERE…. May they know that REALLY, focusing on those
just keeps our minds stuck in UN-important places…
The real places
and moments… are the hugging of the trees, the noticing of the moon… the
watching of the birds… and of taking care of each other…not just US, but like
our HUMYN ‘each-others’….
Like the
Pachamama-children-creation ‘each-other’…
And may I PLEASE
be able to tap in more easily to my past lessons in this lifetime… from humyns
such as Guy and Veda, and lands I have walked upon, and rituals that I have
witnessed and FELT inside my being…
May I tap into
those more often… to be a better mom…. So that my contribution to the NEXT
generation not FUCK up this beautiful land that we actually ARE…. And maybe
that they also do GOOD for it, and us.... and ALSO get to enjoy it too…
Sigh….
And may all the
good energy created from writing this e-mail ALSO go towards all my
brothers/sisters/non-categorized humyns EQUAL well-being.
There are too
many people actually dying and being so harmed right now…. And that’s not
right…
This is for them.
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