milk flow transitioning into blood flow...

it started as a familiar throbbing tingling down in my yoni...( my vagina...the lower core of my wombynhood... womyn-honouring terminology)

and a sort of gassy cramping...in my frontal tummy,

i thought it felt familiar... but i didn't think anything more of it...

but then terell came home, and we put our 11-month twin babies to sleep, and i went to the bathroom...

and i saw it... red-ness...

MY BLOOD IS BACK!!!

it is such a bittersweet mixture of feelings... because it is a clear signal to me- that my milk supply has drastically decreased... i night weaned like 10 days ago- i stopped breastfeeding my babies overnight... from like 5:30 pm till 6:30 am...they used to breastfeed all throughout the day... and night... my breasts were full of milk and tender and tingly those first nights- itching for relief.. i went into the shower and massaged my breasts, to help the milk come out... i couldn't WAIT for the morning time to come, so i could be with my babies and breastfeed them...all 3 of us nooked in together... transitioning from nighttime to daytime- intimately <3 p="">
i stopped breastfeeding at night, so we could 'sleep train' them, to stop co-sleeping with us (one baby was with one parent in 2 different rooms- switching each night!)... to sleep together in their own cribs, in their own room...so they could get more sleep, so terell and i could start getting more sleep too... so him and i could sleep together again...

i knew what that would mean for me and breastfeeding... and i still did it... and now i sort of regret it a bit, but i also don't... but i also do...

i miss the intimacy with the babies... but i know it is really important for terell and my relationship, and for the well-being of our blossoming family, and it does feel REALLY good to have a little bit of stress-free freedom to be SUNNI as an independent humyn again... but i do miss the intimacy of nooking in with my babies... breastfeeding them, us curled into each other.. in the sweet dream time of the night, falling asleep and waking up with my breast leaking milk onto the bed and my babies... just creatures of the earth we are... with our amazing natural perfections... can you imagine? milk flowing from my breast??!!! i still cannot believe it...

well here i am now... milk still does flow from my breast, but i know in much LESSER quantities...  and my blood flow now JOINING my milk flow is a sure sign that my milk supply is not strong... my body decided it is no longer limiting my body from producing more babies- the babies are big enough- they are weaning from mama... (generally it is said that womyn who breastfeed don't get their periods/ovulate ... or are less likely too at least then womyn who DON'T breastfeed! i have fed our babies with much formula, but i also THANKFULLY breastfed!- this is Nature's way of giving the superbness that is WOMYN a break from getting pregnant again while taking care of brand new breastfeeding babies!)

my 'period' blood has not flowed through my body for approximately 20 months... 9 months of pregnancy... and my babies are almost 11 months old now...that is heading towards 2 years of NO bleeding on a monthly basis... no longer having this intimate time with myself monthly... to see the red appear on my underwear... reminding me to take  certain kind of extra care of myself... i have to take care to care for this blood coming from my body... to take care of myself as i feel the sensations move through me...body and mind and breathe....

time to pull out my reusable and my disposeable pads... time to dig through my underwear collection and find the ones to use for my time of bloodflow... time to get a new 'size 2' diva cup- a blood collecting cup designed for 'post-childbirth' yonis... like mine ;)

what a surprise this bloodflow was :) i was wondering when it would happen...

here it is... today, now...

i am going to go to the bathroom now... have a cleanse, and watch the water run a light red in the process...

how amazing and perfect creation is.

i didn't realize there were so many 'ends' happening, until i saw the beginnings...

sometimes you don't know things are gonna be over, until you are in the future, and look back and think...  wow, i didn't know then this would be the last time...

it's little things right now that i realize are done with with my babies... and i realize that what someone once told me is true... it goes fast, and you pass stages and then they are gone...

for example, we have been using a notebook to write down ALL the babies feedings since they were born, to keep track in our sleep-deprived brains who has been fed what and when... and when they were sick, who got what medicine and when... etc etc... they are getting close to 11 months old now.

i didn't realize that would become obsolete once we shifted into the babies being on a sleeping and eating schedule- which we are presently doing!!!  this is the 3rd day of the schedule, and so much has changed- mainly that they are being 'sleep trained', so we don't comfort them all the way to deep sleep anymore-through cuddling, breastfeeding, or formula... at bedtime, they cry a bit, then fall asleep on their own, and when they wake up in the night/naps, they cry again until they figure out how to sleep again... NOT needing to get them to sleep 3 times a day (bedtime and 2 naps), especially with 2 babies... IS A HUGE RELIEF!!!

i really never expected myself to put my babies on a schedule, ha ha... anyone who knows me knows that seems pretty unexpected for me... but then again, i never expected to have TWINS :) and it really does change everything for the baby-rearing game!!!

so these last few days, transitioning into a scheduled-routine, has been a HUGE shift for me and us...

something that has been a long time coming as the babies have been growing out of some of our past normalities...

another example of an 'ending'- 'Breastfeeding naps'...i really am thankful for my times of breastfeeding my babies... (i still am, but not as often, and less long intimate breastfeeding sessions especially that they eat so much solid food now)... We used to all nap together, they would tandem breastfeed, cuddle up in covers, nook in, and we would all fall asleep <3 ...="" a="" ago...="" anymore="" as="" asleep...="" being="" both="" but="" didn="" falling="" it="" month="" nap="" or="" p="" possibility...="" possible...="" so="" stopped="" sweet="" t="" then="" they="" weren="" work="">
i didn't realize those last times that sacred rest together happened, that they would be the last like that...

i DID realize those last couple nights PRE-sleep-training...those nights leading up to us building up the second crib, and turning the room that was once my co-sleeping room into PURELY the babies rooms... i DID realize those last couple nights that these would be the last nights i would sleep nooked in with my babies, breastfeeding them at our leisure- in that beautiful semi-conscious dream place... and i held them close...

of course EVERY day i hold them close and love them... but the times when i sleep with them- and all the sacred connection that those nights of sleep include... are over....

now they sleep together, side by side in their cribs, and today is our third day of scheduled routine... and i heard them laughing shortly after waking from their nap :) i guess this is the beginning of a new sacred normal... for them :) they are back together, and so are Terell and I.

For the first 10.5 months of their lives... we were all split up, yet together.... me with one baby in one room... terell with other baby in other room... and we'd swap every other night... so there was much bonding with parents and children... but not so much between parents and between babies... at night time that is...

i guess we too didn't realize that we would be apart for so long, terell and i... we didn't realize what was to unfold when these babies came out of me... we didn't realize how we were going to do ANYTHING!! wow... what a learning curve we have been on.

the fact that i am able to sit here, during the day, and type out my internal dialogue, IS AMAZING for me... it's been a long time i have had a conscious daytime session with myself... i have left the house during the daytime, but in these rare times i am usually rushing to be calm and check in with my body/mind/spirit at an indulgent yoga session ;) My daytime free time has definitely been sparse, and my brain and writing flow functions WAY better during sunlight hours :) this SILENCE and STILLNESS that i am surrounded by presently has been probably the MOST rare for me... i will relish in these moments in coming days- it is so refreshing...

i give thanks for the lessons that come with these endings...the ends of the stages and phases... that i loved and really cherished... i am thankful we co-slept and flowed for so long... and now i am thankful for this routine, that gives me some moments to be with MYSELF again... how sacred...

i didn't realize that having these babies would consume my every bit as much as it has and does and will continue too...

do not get me wrong though, THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY worth it all <3 p="">
i love my babies Montana and Yemaya, and my quirky partner Terell too.

the end of co-sleeping at 10.5 months....

these are our final 2 nights of co-sleeping... so its my last single night with each baby :(

it IS my decision to do this... to sleep train them and get them used to sleeping in their cribs in their own room...it is OUR decision- but it wouldn't happen without my go-ahead... i am pro-actively choosing it.

but i am definitely mourning this soon-to-be no-more-sleeping-ness with my babies...

looking at them, how i know their movements even in SLEEP so well...

this also is me night weaning them from breastfeeding... letting go of that sacred nightime relationship... i have fallen asleep MANY times and so have they, as i breastfeed them in the night...

that will all be over...

i dont think i thought about ALL these pieces that i would be letting go in sayin YES to cribs and sleep training...

i have really loved it... moments in those dreamy sleep times- and i realize my baby is nooked RIGHT into my body... it is so sensual and deeply emotional loving connected...

and to be woken up by them (as hard as it is also!)... them crawling up on me... poking at my face... making funny sounds... and then laughing when i open my eyes, and they realize i am awake too :)

but it's just gotten so hard.... switching babies every night, one with terell, one with me... and terell and i never sleeping together... NEVER, since the babies were born... 10.5 months ago...

as the babies have gotten more mobile, it's gotten less safe, and more stressful for terell to sleep with them, since he's a heavier sleeper, and is in a raised bed... ultimately he has been barricading them in with bed rails and objects, and he was just cramped in... when he's sleeping!!?? and that's not right... this was the breaking point for me... i was on a mattress on the floor- safe and comfortable.... terell was now sleeping on a fraction of a bed :(

it wasn't working anymore- the co-sleeping... and i tried to sleep with them both, and couldn't handle the responsibility- after all this time of the ease of looking after only one baby a night, two at night- when i take care of them both all day, and need to recover a bit at night... also that would leave terell alone- and he also hasn't been ALONE since we got together... so us co-sleeping WITHOUT him wouldn't work either...

so here we are, 2 eves away from the big start of 'sleep traning'... a yucky process with a positive and healthy end result... the babies gaining the ability to fall asleep on their own- so that they are well rested, thus happier and healthier... AND, US TOO!!!! :)

I look forward to more freedoms- to maybe go out at night, knowing my babies AND my partner are going to be okay...everyone is comfortable going to sleep and staying asleep, and thus i can go out and dance late one night, and come home spiritually nourished... tired from a late night, but ready in spirit/soul to continue caring for these quickly growing creatures :)

they are growing so fast- it's shocking as a parent.... how has it all happened so fast???

my sweet sleeping babies... cuddled up and nooked in in their own unique beautiful ways... sacred sleep patterns intertwined with my own... and terells...

i do feel fortunate and proud that we co-slept thus far... it has only deepened my loving relationship with them... and them with us... there is NOTHING unhealthy or problematic with co-sleeping with your babies- it's a sacred natural phenomenon- just as being naked with them is... we are humyn natural animal creatures...we eat, sleep, drink together... they came out of my body... we were naked....

and i feel fortunate and proud that i have breastfed thus far... and i am sad that the nighttime breastfeeding will be over... that maybe the most... because this is a very unique sacred relationship and time with my babies...

we used to all nap together- i would breastfeed them both and they would fall asleep at my breasts, and then so would i <3 ...="" and="" asleep="" but="" changed="" doesn="" fall="" has="" have="" i="" in="" lady="" montana="" month...="" my="" p="" past="" so="" t="" that="" the="" to="" too="" up="" usually...="" wake="">
i am beginning to mourn the losses that come with parenting, as the babies grow OUT of phases of growth... there are SO many special beautiful bits to honour and love and appreciate... and when something that you really loved just stops, and disappears... they have moved on to the next bit... leveled up... for you- as an adult parent... it's over... and you didn't know those were the last times you would ever share that specific beautiful phenomenon...

anyways... I've gotta get ready to sleep... tonight it's my last night with yemaya...my little snuggler, my early riser- with smiles and silly laughter of joy and cackles... she will move around all night, and always find a way to touch me <3 at="" her="" i="" miss="" much...="" night="" p="" so="" will="">
tomorrow Montana... my solid deep sleeper... he will wake up suddenly and start crawling right on top of me... on top of my face, my stomach...and i will have to pull his big heavy body off of me, to move him down to my breast to settle him back to sleep... and we will fall asleep like that... until the next time we wake....

i will LOVE being able to sleep without having to wake up once or so to make a bottle... and i will LOVE not having to...hardly....move...in fear of waking up a baby...or squeezing myself into smaller areas of the bed... so as to not wake a baby...

and i will love sleeping with terell again... cuddled into my chosen life partner, to rekindle our companion relationship that we put on hold to sleep with, and take good care of our babies...now we can take care of each other again (as well as the babies- who are not really babies anymore, but almost toddlers!!)... honour each other at nighttime...

so much intimacy occurs in just sleeping with and beside your partner... and i have missed it too... i LOVE my baby cuddles and sleeping relationships...but i miss terells too.

gracias pachamama for this truly amazing experience thus far.... it's been amazing, and EXHAUSTING :) I LOVE them so much....

and please, in the next week or so... support us with love and calm and ease and REST as we make this transition all together...

time to 'level up' as my brother says...

gulp....