(warning: super angry, totally
disenchanted post….re. job search, dependence on childcare, and feeling bad about
the whole shit-uation.)
I HATE THE SYSTEM.
That I am reliant upon, and feel
that I NEED right now, for my sanity.
I hate that it is so hard to have
children, to be in relation/partner-ship, and to be happy, to survive….to care
for my children and stay mentally healthy… when I am so isolated, and lacking
in support, and reliant upon a system that is just so warped.
So full of HAVE, and HAVE-NOTS. Like
how are we supposed to get ahead. I had 2 months really to work at my own pace,
taking employment workshop courses, and figure out how to apply to jobs, (that
are ‘suitable’ for my education level, and interests.), then apply to them. I
built up my beliefs in my abilities, figured out how to express that via words
applying to job postings) and then landing interview(s).
I didn’t get yet ANOTHER job today, I got denied, post interview
process…..after waiting patiently for a response, and then getting a short
response…. Denial.
I know that is the process…. You have
to expect NOT getting all the jobs you apply to and for.
I really don’t like the process… I
have said HATE already….(a word i know i don't want to say or feel, a word and sentiment that actually is awful and ugly)
I do feel hate for the whole
process…it’s making me feel really angry, unhappy, sad, un-faith-full. As in, NOT
full of faith.
And I know that it is actually
part of a systemic problem, that keeps folks in lover income class, IN lower
income class. How am I supposed to step into a professional role, when we
struggle to pay our rent., and buy all our basic needs. How am I supposed to walk confidently and
calmly into an interview process, when i ACTUALLY am desparate now. When my
children’s daycare is receiving letters from the first month we are there,
notifying them that our susbsidy is being withdrawn (at their own mistake), and
then again within two months, notifying them that they basically should start
looking for new kids to fill the spots (because I have not found full time
employment/education).
That is a LOT of pressure,
humilitiaion, embarrassment, pressure…. And desperation.
I am super hustling right now. No
longer applying to those ‘suitable’ jobs anymore, they’re irrelevant right now,
unless they fulfill my ‘daycare subsidy requirements.’ I need work FAST.
So I start to settle, for basic
jobs….for minimum wage…. For mindless, non-challenging basic labour.
Cogs in the machine…. Moving that ‘wheel’
along, the same one that absolutely holds me captive, in this humiliating
state. One that leaves me bouncing
around from confidence ‘I can do it’, to ‘I have to get ANY job now, or else my
kids lose daycare and I am back to square one’….etc. NOT a confident good
feeling place.
It’s not easy, I HATE the system…I
have for many years. Some people will read that/this, and just not get me, not
identify with what I am saying here… too political, too ‘angry’, un-real….
Other folks in my orbits will GET
where I am at. Get the challenges I am experiencing, the role I am in… and ALL
the fucked up systemic levels/angles/positions/POWER involved in keeping me and
WAY TOO MANY OTHERs in these roles. And yet
STILL being RELIANT upon this capitalist system, that actually doesn’t care
about us folks down here on the bottom level, receiving daycare subsidy…. We just
fuel the upper class to make more money, get ahead, and then hold on tight to
that money…. Pass it on to their next generations….
Meanwhile, I am trying to get
ahead, and just can’t…. not enough time, energy, support…. Means… etc.
I know I am not alone in this
moment and seeming reality. I know I am not alone in so many of my experiences…
I just know it. I know it could be so much worse… which actually just makes me
feel worse about the whole fucking situation….
I just hate the system…. It’s not
right, or just. I hate being part of a corrupt system. I actually hate it, and
feel so frustrated….
And that is trickling down through
me right now….
And it feels awful.
And I feel all this, I do.
And although it is ALL ugly and
not-nice feelings/expressions/etc…. I feel the need to just feel it, and be
honest about it…. Release and express it.
It doesn’t even feel better, and
now I feel more embarrassed that I have actually expressed these things OUTSIDE
of my internal mind, and physical body…
But fuck that shit. It’s where I am
at. I am having a hard time….
Too much pressure….
I was trying to level up… and the system
SMACKED that down fast…. Don’t get too excited and happy, believing in
possibilities… I don’t think so…. Back down you go.
Honestly….
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