this feeling....

i have this feeling, from my chest... this desire or yearning... its intense...

it's this yearning we feel when being a human..being a woman... yearning for more... for more of i don't knw what...

more of something... i am missing something... and i yearn for it...

and i try to feed it... but i am not feeding it with the right things...

what do i need? what do i desire? what do i want?

what am i yearning for?



it is that feeling of one-ness... of connectredness... when it is all flowing togeher... when i and the flow are one...

i and i...

and i and i...

and i am you, and you are i... the earth is i, my brothers and sisters are i...

the music and my soul and breathing and dying and sexual satisfaction and joy and that calm peaceful place...

where it is all still...

and empty...

And so it ends.

You know... ive been a lot of places around the world...

I have seen so many fuckin absolutely beautiful things... in nature, in people, in spiders and snakes and babies and sparkles and water and love and humanity and death and trees and earth and soil and lying down being held by mama earth... there’s nothing like this life...

The mystery of it all... its absolutely amazing.
And i have no idea whats really going on?

And i have no idea how we are not all on our hands and knees all the time in prayer being absolutely thankful for all that we are truly blessed with.

What are we doing to eachother? What are we doing to the earth? To the mama that has birthed us, and nurtures us in every possible way that sustains our lives... until death.

And then what happens? When we look at someone in their face and they are now dead... but we can remember them when they were alive, and their eyes were opened and they were alive... what changed?

Where did they go?

And who took that from them?

Truly...

My good friend’s son just died, his span that he was alive as we know it is 20 years, plus just under 2 months. Another human being shot him in the head. I do not know why exactly, or who did it. I still cannot believe, even though i understand.... how one person can consciously KILL another person.

Sometimes i look at people, and in looking at them, i can see myself in them really... like, we are so connected we are... how can you do that?

All i have to say is i’m pretty zapped... not so much energy to move on right now... i can only imagine how my sister feels...

Please my fellow human beings, i pray for you... take care of each other. Love one another just because it is right... honestly.

And be patient, and be honest, and help where you can help... especially when it’s difficult times... that is when we turn to each other and to faith...

Peace.

in the heart it is always white... in the city.

i guess i mean that in many ways... but right now i am talking about nuit blanche...

in the heart of the city, the most 'central' place- yonge-dundas square... it never gets dark... there are bright light shining bright so that you can never see the true darkness of the nightsky...

you know how all around the world... people- our brothers and sisters gather around the fire... they come together and be... all looking into the fire, allowing it to warm them one side... then the other side... keeping the heat in... and truly also touching us inside in a non-verbal and non-conscious way... it is powerful... this fire... and so we sit around, thankful for it... and we share in that...

we did that this morning... in yonge dundas square in toronto... for the end of nuit blanche- white night- the 'all night contemporary art thang'... i thought we were meeting to see music- but instead found ourselves at a beautiful big HOT campfire in the Centre of the crazy yonge dundas square, probably a place that is the FURTHEST from nature in the city, where water fountains and billboards replace waterfalls and trees, and exhaust from cars replace oxygen... where bright neon lights replace the calming full darkness of the night...

here we were... coming together around a camp fire... there were young boys talking about wanting to stick their penis's into an 'american pie', a young girl named 'jolly rancher witch' because of her colourful socks looking 'wizard-of-oz'- like... named by a flamboyantly diva-fied comedic man, with long brown perfectly straightened hair and a pink sequined shirt... there was george jesse, or jesse george.... older man missing teeth and all 'social norms'- singing, and moaning his heart out into the fire... and then when we all laugh and applause him says- 'oh, did you hear that?;... we laugh again... he must live in that square... most definitely on the street... he comes up to me early on in my arrival and welcomes me with his comments and questions about my afro-wig i've got goin' on... i take it off and show him what's TRULY goin on under there... he smiles and laughs his toothless joy out... and complimented me with and without that added decoration... and he was lovely- brought all of us around that huge fire together in laughter at his kind REAL humour....

there was something really beauiful about ending off the morning like that...

my friend, well truly, my sister and i had many conversations throughtout the 'all-night'... sort of questioning whats going on in our society... she was really concerned for the well being of our humanity... we are walking around 'asleep'... caught up in lives that are very far from that which is natural... we are immersed in this concrete jungle... day-to-day... this night was fun, but scary... because there was this confirmed realization that most people do not ever let themselves off the patterned hook to simply play... to flow with the night, with the people... having such freedom and space to play and explore...

but these seemingly spacious freeedoms are only there for one night... nuit blanche... and then the rules are imposed to the maximum again... and that maximum is becoming increasingly more strict... the 'police state' a reality now... but one that is manipulatively and strategically created... like a story...

and these white nights... brought to you by the predominantly white capitalist government and their pawns- the police force... give us this idea that we still have these freedoms... to play... freely... so we do... because it feels really good...

for that one night...

and we sit... around that fire... like we always have...

as humans, as a collective of beings... coming together in consciousness... in spirit...

but look around... where are we now?