room for improvement

accountability
owning up
being responsible for one's mistakes

That humyn had gotten into all kinds of patterns... they couldn't help it, it's what happens to humyns (or at least they have to work pretty hard at NOT succumbing to the patterns they were raised with!)

Culture and society and family and social upbringing are strong.

they became a person who had a hard time humbling themselves, since they always were so independent, always had to MAKE decisions for themselves, not having so much familial support.

they had to trust themselves, they had to make the decisions... to go left of right, to do this or that. That was their norm.

some folks spoke with their parents and grandparents. Not this humyn... they trusted themselves, they spoke with different peers.... but generally not wise elders, in which to guide them (not on a daily basis at least)

so they made choices, all folks do whom are alive

sometimes their ways of doing things wasn't always the safest, smartest or the best... incorporating ALL the abilities and mobilities of a possible humyn existence- mind body intellect spirit soul practicalities values

Judgement was not always clear.... discernment in all relationships, and navigating life, and the systems that STRUCTURE life in their society and culture.

sometimes they fought against it... that became their norm

over time, life changed their circumstance... and they had a day, where lots of their patterns became clear, and the 'room for improvement' was really strongly seen/felt/highlighted.

they had no choice. to sink of swim?

to avoid, to shy away from.... or to own up? to be responsible. to sit with the discomfort of it... the shame, the senses of inadequacy.... the sadness, the universal signs really giving them NO WAY OUT. their 'ways' could not be avoided and ignored.

it just is and was as it is and was.

so they had a bad day. then they woke up the next day, and had a good day.

they realized there definitely was room for improvement, and it was up to them to make that judgement call.... to carry on in their patterned ways, or to level-up, and manage those discomforts and unhealthy patterns better.

they chose better :)

accountability
owning up
being responsible for one's mistakes

the plight of a working mother, with sick child(ren)

she is now a working womyn, who has a child who is sick.

What is she to do...

A womyn learns from young, that there are expectations of her, versus her brother.

It's hard to really explain how these expectations exist, as they are so subtle.

Folks would say, parents (in a hetero-relationship), play equal roles in this day and age.

Last time child got sick, kids father called in sick. This next time, Mom calls in sick.

But does the dad feel as the Mom does... that knowing, that she cannot let her child go to school or to their before/after-school program sick weak with a fever, she will ALWAYS be the one, who will have to make an exception. It is the sterotype of a Woman- it is the expectation. It is the 'why she gets paid less than a man', why they hire womyn with no kids...because the expectation and societal Norm, is that Mama has REALLY no choice...

She cannot go to work if her child is sick.

She is on eggshells while at work, knowing something was up with her child, she sees it immediately with a child, when they're 'off'.... she works very hard to get as much work done as she can!!!.

She looks at her phone, nervous when the phone call shows 'private number', thinking- here is that phone call, my baby is sick. I gotta go...

Shit, just as she suspected.

She leaves her very busy morning of getting the kids completely fed and dressed, to their before school family, packed with healthy lunch to nourish her sick children.... then Work, where she worked very hard with her mind and brain... then rushing to get her sick weak child, and healthy sibling (because she cant go back out to pick child up with one sick child alone at home). She carries him home, his body weak, her body weak....

And she tends to their polar opposite energies for the rest of the night... stretched between their energy levels... and depleted by the end....

The experience of being a working class Working Womyn Mama.

She is always navigating the logistics of it all... planning, managing the households food, and activities and movement.

This is the sterotype of Womyn, she can resist these 'roles' much of her life, but... Society pushes her back into that role, once she has kids. Most womyn do....

It is a strong energy, it is her place to do so, no matter how progressive she is, or the agency she works for. She is a womyn, she manages her kids, it's what she does, WELL. She needs to work, and do a good job there, show her abilities and strengths, as an independent humyn (which she never is, once she becomes a Mother)

The pressure is hard, to maintain professionalism, and the soft emotional gentle caring nurturance that children need.  It's tough for her to always maintain good easy going loving energy, when she has to RUSH them out the door and prepare EVERYTHING for them to stay healthy and well-fed and well-clothed every single day.... let alone adding that stress of a sick child. The mystery and uncertainty of what is going to happen to them, with them....

and with HER- what about tomorrow? it is a working day- what will she do? how will she make up the hours.... she only has 5 weekdays of school hours, if she missed a day, the next day she does not have childcare covered. What will she do to make up the hours?

There's not enough hours in the day... she can't be everywhere at once and fast... especially not with a sick child...

She didn't realize the position she would be in when she really wanted to have a working professional job as well. She didn't realize how heavy of a load being a Mom already was.

But still... she chooses to work, to test how much she can handle, afterall.... she is Womyn. She is Amazing, and skilled at so many un-named, un-recognized, AMAZING skills... that only a mother can know, because only motherhood BRINGS them. Skills and abilities and strengths that grow as she grows, as she grows her kids. And because of that, she strives to be better, for better... for her, and her kids.

She is Womb-yn.

Commemoration, of the shootings on the Danforth

It’s interestingly, a grey dreary day… blue sky just peeking through, but dark grey up until recently, with rain drops trickling down here and there…

A year ago a humyn walked down the street where I sit now- the Danforth, and shot a whole bunch of people, as they spent time together, as they do… because it is the kind of place and neighbourhood where the people DO spend time/family/community together, for years.

I just walked by a picture and orchid wreath put up for a young girl, the youngest who was killed- only 10 years old.  I remembered how STRONG my empathy was last year when I heard…

I remember the next night  I walked up the short distance to get here, and immediately started crying once I ran into a familiar face… so full of emotions…at all that it meant for it to have ACTUALLY happened… and, in ‘my’ neighbourhood.

This fountain coffee shop, a place I have been frequenting more so since my kids have been in daycare (and post-shooting), I have really enjoyed sitting here to have morning reflections. It is a central meeting point for folks in the area… the fountain.  I have enjoyed being here because I can see and know that this is where folks have been gathering together for years… the elders of the neighbourhood, the kids… they all come together here.

Last year many people were shot in close proximity to where i sit now, and this became the main commemoration spot.

I just spoke to the barista here at the fountain, and I remarked how it’s going to be a busy day here, with lots of people coming in, with lots of feelings. She said she was in Greece last summer when it happened, I recalled my experience of it… not as ‘rooted’ as her, considering her connection to this community…but we both got goose bumps, so we both are humyns affected.

She said something to me that I am using as my ‘take-away’… something along the lines of… we need to not let his intention live out… as in, us being here, remembering it this year, and every year, such a tragedy… we must not let the person who shot- his feelings and intentions in those awful moments- to grow, and get any bigger than they were. Let not those live on. 

What I understand she was more saying, was what to Focus on- to let the LOVE feelings that are present here, in the families/neighborhood/community live on and grow.  Those poor young ladies who died, totally little people, LITTLE, like my own little people…let the love of them, let the special good vibes of the Danforth live on…of the Greek Community, of folks who have crossed paths for years, and see young folks turn into grown folks, and celebrate together.  Let that live on.

But do not let the BAD overtake, do not let that outshine/overpower.

Tonight there will be a sunset vigil, and I plan to be here:

To Commemorate: to recall and show respect (for someone or something), as Wikipedia says.

To bear witness, to FEEL, in solidarity. And also to make sure I remember to connect the dots to OUTSIDE this neighborhood. We, and this, is all connected to the bigger picture in the world. We are all connected.  It is my humyn responsibility to do so.

SO I will NOT let the shooter’s intention overpower/outshine, but I will also not be naïve to NOT see how we (as humyns) got here. I also will acknowledge what I DO respect of this community, and the goose bump feelings that aligned with another sister, who feels deeply for what happened here…. As do I.

May we all learn to focus more on the LOVE and goodness, than on the awful bad-ness… Or can we at least be part of the energy that SHIFTS us closer to the goodness, as this beautiful, humble and insightful local barista knew.

May this Barista have a good day, may she stay energized, calm, grounded, for this day that will bring to HER many emotions, in the form of folks purchasing snacks and nourishment from her…

AND, she actually will...do you know WHY?  Because although there will be many heavy-emotional folks around her today- she is IN the center of her community- so she simultaneously, she will be supported.

THIS is the remedy and solution to all of life’s heartaches, and this awful occurrence…. Community DOES support and listens, and feels, TOGETHER.

This is the Danforth and it's welcoming community.  ‘Danforth Strong’ for sure.

tend to my garden...

I realized today, as i tended to my ACTUAL garden, like the one in my backyard... that WOW, i certainly have SO MANY gardens to attend to...

and in that moment, my earth-veg garden had been a bit neglected :(

as i spent all weekend PLAYING :) (with my family, which is probably the healthiest best, since i am realizing that i really need/want/value doing the things i like, and find some kind of a way for my kids to like them TOO, and for us to be together LIKING similar things!!!!

but my veg garden is certainly neglected....'i've been so busy'

truth, AND...

i feel  a bit sad i've neglected it.... but/and, i've paid attention to make sure rain-mama-water took care of it/her.... but i let the beginnings of 'weeds' step n a bit too much, and i've left 'gaps' in spots where seeds just didn't grow....

tonight i took care of her, in the full-power sun... after a weekend already in full-power sun... so my burnt skin burnt a little bit more.... as i tended to my vegetable garden...

now in hearing/reading i have burnt skin, that i was letting get increasingly more burnt... you may think, well, that's not tending to your metaphorical garden!

but let me reassure you, this weekend i ALSO did that... a music and dance show with a great friend/my birth doula, then a sour beer patio night watching (my first, and winning game 3 of finals) Raptors game, followed by a FULL day of work, then zooming to be present at Terell's show for kids to see, and then enjoying a great street festival till LATE that night, WITH kids... then today sunday- started off with a drag queen storytime at a brewery, thus having a drink at 11am, and then meandering over to a famrers market to hang out with MORE great family friends and KIDS.....

then home to tend to my garden....after tending to my overall metaphorical garden....

and then taking care of my own physical garden :) my body...

after all that, im pooped, but i've got my co-op work garden to attend to now.... sigh....

it's a busy time tending to gardens :)

i give thanks!!

the colour of red

it was this interesting feeling of affection when i looked down at the toilet paper, as i wiped myself, and had just forgotten that it was my time of bleeding...until...

the colour of red...

Everything about my energy tells me it is this time, of bleeding...

i lay down on this rainy day with my son happily playing in front of me after we set up the train tracks, an afternoon of him and i solo.... i wrapped myself up cozily and just dozed off.... probably only for minutes, but still.... my body just succumbed to the 'drained' feeling that the experience of bleeding embodies...

i looked down and just APPRECIATED, enamoured by the colour of red.

so perfect and beautiful, and rich and warm, not too bright, or too flashy, not too dark and burgundy, still red...alive. warm, beautiful, wombyn.

sigh...

my bleeding is beautiful.

building blocks of universe (over here :) )

Winter

Spring

Summer

Fall


Birth Life Death


fire

earth

wind/ air

water

To Drink the Water (in honour of Indigenous Land Defenders) (Written Jan 8, 2019)

‘They can still drink their water’, this great humble humyn named Beze said. 

Many times as they spoke (and I refer to them as ‘them/they’- as I believe that may be their preferred pronoun, so i say it with respect!), They kept mentioning this fact- that folks in Wet’Suwet’en  can STILL drink their water, from the source, from the ground, safely. 

Beze said this, as an Indigenous Humyn, who revels in that beauty, of living off of one’s original land.

They mentioned this so many times, because they themselves were born and raised in Sarnia, in ‘Chemical Valley’, born in this place, that is alongside/within more than 60 oil refineries and petro-chemical plants, where they absolutely cannot even fathom drinking their local waters, nor even consider swimming in their local streams, or eating from them either. In fact visitors are advised to wear chemical masks or respirators.

This great person named Beze, is so young, yet I have noticed over these recent years, has truly become wise as an elder, a youthful learning one.   

They kept speaking of the water, that they held in their hands in a jar.  This jar of water was water FROM the land in which we were honouring today- in downtown Toronto to MARCH in solidarity with the land defenders in Wet’suwet’en- land that is being infringed upon by developers, for a pipeline, for dirty oil... that should be kept in the land.  This land is being protected by the indigenous people of that land. 

Beautiful land.  Land that folks still DO drink freshwater off of, and eat the animals off of….the land they know, and are integrated with.  They, are of the land, and know it.

The Story of the jar of water is that it ‘ came from Ambrose- a water protector from Unistoten. He brought us water from the land there, during one of our Toxic Tours.’

Toxic Tours are tours that these beautiful siblings Beze and Vanessa lead in their home-town, Sarnia, highlighting all the industries, and the effects that they have had on the land. And the folks living there.  Here they experienced things such as weekly siren testings, in case of chemical leaks- they say that the sirens are irrelevant, as the people living there SMELL in the air when there’s been a leak, they know the effects, they know leaks happen regularly.

There are significantly higher rate of cancer and miscarriages here.

So this water from Unistoten meant a LOT to this person named Beze- it represents a lot…. It represents everything actually.

When one can still drink the water of the land, that means it is clean.  It is alive, and fresh, and clean- absent of anything that can hurt us, clean enough to wash our babies of creation in.  

That means it has not been tainted, by industrialization, by chemical plants, ‘production plants’, pipelines, tailing ponds from the dirty pipelines L.

That means Pachamama earth creation is in balance. And her waters are still clean, and fresh, and healthy.

Beze held that jar, and honoured what was inside.

Beze had been given that water a long time before, and had been holding onto it’s sacred-ness, so that when this time had come- that we all needed to STEP UP, and stand up in its defense, it was there as proof.  Beze had this artifact, GUIDING them presently, as an indigenous person, as a land defender-  as a person of this earth, DEDICATED, to protecting it, in a very beautiful and gentle and humble way, yet also fierce, and TOTALLY clear, as the water they held in their hands.  

They held that water, in clear honour… THIS is what we NEED to hold on to.

Clean water…. Clean earth.  And all the creatures and people and culture and WAYS that are completely integrated with it. ONE….

I was speaking to my children the other day, the first time I consciously spoke of ‘the elements’. Fire, Water, Air/Wind, Earth.

What are we without all of these alive, present, healthy and in balance?  How can we survive without totally valuing their integrity….their integration….OUR being of THEM, them of us?  Ours to take care of, and honour.

How can we NOT? I am teaching my kids about ‘pachamama’, it’s the word/title I like best about the whole earth/creation/universe/god/jah/mama earth concept.  When we do certain things, we are NOT taking care of Pachamama, and some actions more than others are harmful.  ESPECIALLY as we live here in big city Canada. We hardly know our impact.  My kids will NEVER know it, UNLESS, I teach it to them.

For me, going to this Unistoten solidarity march, this January 2019, where we marched through downtown streets, holding signs HONOURING and HIGHLIGHTING this community and land and INDIGENOUS LAND DEFENDERS aka SUPERHEROS, who just live and put their lives ‘on the line’.  Being present  for a couple hours, immersed in the sacred LOUD powerful important meaningful holy honouring listening reflecting absorbing CEREMONY, of marching in solidarity with folks devoted to the land, and their original cultures- it really nourished me to be there and present.   

I am thankful that I was able to be there. Thankful to have been invited in to move around their drum chanting, hold hands with fellow humyns, who care enough to be present.  ThAnkful to have childcare, and/or the physical abilities to WALK the path we walked that day.  And hopeful that my children will grow up caring and feeling similarly to me, about the extreme importance of protecting and caring for the Earth.

I was thankful to smell and be immersed and surrounded by all the beautiful real medicines that indigenous folks honour of the land…. Smelling so much sage and sweetgrass meant so much to me… it just does. I get it…. To smell it in… and know that it is part of the sacred strong ceremony, sending out our wishes INTO the air, over to folks who need to know they are surrounded by folks all around the world, IN SOLIDARITY.

It’s way more than that though.  These Indigenous Folks are just LIVING, and protecting the land.  They do it, because IT IS THEIR LAND, AND, it is ALSO for us ALL to survive. We ALL live off the land, at our basic Humyn-bodied Existences.   

People have come, and just TAKEN it from them.  Like, really… to reflect on just that, the exploitation of land that folks LIVE on, and with, and to just be TAKING that, to have that taken (and their fucking children, etc)…. It is actually the worst that can happen to anyone.  And that exploitation of indigenous people humyns, happens all over the world. And that makes me SO so so sad, and angry. It is JUST not right.

Going to that march re-inspired me, to continue sticking CLOSE to my values, that genuinely value NATURE, and the folks that live with it, consciously.  It reminded me to HONOUR and support these warrior folks, who are devoted to taking care of it, and protecting it.  With humble, kind, CLEAR, clarity.

It is the WATER we protect. For our children, and our children’s children…. And all coming generations.

What kind of a legacy do we want to leave?…. One of exploitation, and harm, and damage?

Or one of care, and honour, head strong in our care for what is RIGHT?

What kind of legacy do I want to leave to my children?

Definitely one that is largely based in, ROOTED, in our root culture and essence… that of the earth and nature and Pachamama.

Where we ALL come from.

Dedication: this piece of writing, FULL of genuine emotions and intentions and honouring, is actually now dedicated to Dave Vasey. A humyn i saw at this march, a humyn i have seen basically for the bulk of my her-story of being more 'active' as an 'activist'. He took his own live, less that 3 weeks after this march. He was a full-time ACTIVE water and land and earth ad humyn defender. He put his life and body on the line, a quantity of times i cannot even fathom, but hundreds of people are attesting to. He loved and valued the beauty of earth, not to objectify it, or exploit it, but to honour it, and its people, and it's creatures. Purely. I am so sorry it became too hard for him to keep going, he lived for 40 years, and i think he was devoted to caring for OTHER for most of that.  I am sad he could not care for himself properly in the process. and i SO honour him, and attribute much of my courage to step INTO healthy positive version of my best self, when i was more actively participating in the valuable and important RESISTANCE again systems that HARM and EXPLOIT each other, and the earth. I attribute much of my CONFIDENCE to STAND UP- to Dave. He showed via HIS own actions, this was a righteous way to live.  Rest in such peace brother. I am so sorry it hurt so much by the end of your life, and we ALL truly love and respect you for all that you did in your lifetime. Thank you.

Zoo Giraffes made me feel...(trip was december 2018, written jan 2019)

Well let's start with a picture of the Toronto Zoo...December 26, 2018, it was SUPER cold. FREEZING outside.

All those animals there, most that we saw, are these AMAZING animals, from jungles and rainforests and tropical locations of the world.... and they are all separated into their own little domes and buildings during winter time here in Canada.

 It sounds like in the summer they are outdoors more, but these winter season days, they stay inside... in these small and very bland environments.

These two AMAZING creatures, were in this space that you see behind me....with the background painted as it would look, if it were a REAL environment.... you WOULD see vast land, flat... yet with big trees, and mountains about, vast landscape....

no buildings.... LAND.

With different creatures, and land....textures and tastes....green-ish trees and shrubs and dry-plantlife that they would be eating from.

They were beautiful. I was quite enchanted by them...they were so big and tall and graceful.

But....

they were in this weird environment, that i cannot imagine how that FEELS for them, when their natural habitat is SO MUCH DIFFERENT.

the fact that there is just a PAINTING of what their environment is supposed to look like, felt like mocking.... it was more for us onlookers... not to stimulate for them AT ALL.  They don't buy that, you know? ya can't eat the leaves in those paintings.... you can't walk, and feel the wind and sun on your beautiful tall interestingly shaped body...you can't RUN for your life away from those Lions chasing you... and escape because you run so fast and there is much space to run away from them....

We all know the bad rep of zoos, the pros and cons... obviously i am a person who leans towards 'natural', so i certainly noticed many of the flaws of the zoo-system-environment. This did not take away from my awe of earth's creatures, and their beauty, and amazing unique perfections...

This was my first time seeing giraffes....first time, and first time at the zoo....

I have seen many amazing animals in the 'wild', in their natural homeland and habitats. Elephants in India, Zebras in Ethiopia.... Gorillas in Uganda.

I have been Blessed to have seen these amazing grand creatures in their lands.

SO seeing these amazing beautiful creatures... so grand... and beautiful, and just unlike what i expected (even though i have seen enough pictures etc etc of them)...in this little too-small and SO boring of a habitat.... it made me feel sad.

And i expressed this to my kids... as we looked at them together, a bit in awe.... appreciating.... but this is a conversation for their elder future selves... but definitely one we have started already.  Speaking of pachamama, and her creatures...and the land that is ALIVE in which they live, and come from.

Next step is maybe watching more videos, that showcases the animals in their habitats... to really bring home how amazing they are, and how it is our responsibility to honour them, and care for the earth... or else they will disappear.

and also, to really understand the BIG and complex picture of that, and how we, in our own little toronto canada bubble, ACTUALLY are connected to them, in their natural habitats, across the world.

we are all one...

and those giraffes (and RHINO, and orangutans, and grand snakes, etc etc!) were so amazing to see alive.... even at the zoo... i give thanks....

Long live them all.

p.s. Our trip to the Toronto zoo was December 26, 2018. This was written Jan 15 2019- i am a mama of twins, trying to keep life together, and so this piece of writing got delayed! ;) I think that's the only day of the year the zoo is 50% off FYI, for future reference folks!