Who's to Blame?': Danforth Shootings and Deaths.

I am hardly in mourning, compared to the folks who really grew up there... who experience the Danforth ACTUALLY as their backyard...for generations.

 but i tell you honestly, as soon as i came close to the area in which 14 people had been shot, and 2 died....less than 24 hours before.... the tears naturally came...

i was totally just consumed with so many awful feelings...

it's hard to put my thoughts into feelings... i was thankful to have found a friend to walk that street with... to cry those moments with...

as i saw many people walking down the street solo... and i realized how sadly accurate that is, reflective of where we are ALL at.... and what YET AGAIN has brought us to such an 'occurrence'. ANOTHER mass killing rampage....

the guy stopped and TOTALLY consciously shot all those people.... dead.

why, are ALL, these GUYS... killing people?

i am NOT blaming GUYS... but i am highlighting that it is them.

i AM blaming patriarchy, i am blaming capitalism.

i am blaming the greed....the entitlement.... the anger and frustration.... and not being able to release it properly... so THEY take it all out... ON OTHERS.

we all do... we all internalize the unhealthy 'ideals', the unhealthy TEACHINGS of capitalism in different ways... we care too much about useless things, like what we look like, what we have/don't have.

We compare too much, to others...instead of working together. instead of living together, instead of living in community together...encountering the same challenges of the natural environment we were destined to ACTUALLY live in... not live OFF of, in an exploitative way.

Which brings me to a really strong point... this horrible tragedy, that made me cry today, and will make me cry over the next days.... this is NOT an isolated one-off massacre. There are more of these types of FUCKED-up phenomenons happening, in our big developed 'modern' cities.

and you know what else? THESE occurrences, where a ton of people get SHOT, and KILLED... happens all over the world...to way less privileged and SAFE folks than us who live up near the Danforth, Toronto, Canada.

a big difference is... today, less than 24 hours later...we have MUCH freedom/safety/power/privileged/ability/space/money freedom to be back walking on these same streets.... having drinks and coffees with our friends....

less laughter, much less....

somber mostly, sad... lots of stopping, and staring... at the places that we heard that 'this was a spot'... where the shots happened... where the video we saw of him shooting- may have been filmed.

for some and maybe many... it was way more traumatizing tonight. maybe it was their backyard.

maybe that old man i saw with the beautiful and very very sad blue eyes today....he looked so sad...i think he must have seen something....a lot of those old folks around...i think some of them walk that street every evening... and many all day too...

something like this has never happened to them here...in their entire lives.

they didn't deserve it.

no one did...no one ever does.

no one ever deserves to be shot.... or raped/killed/exploited/stolen from/inhabited/colonized.

don't you see? it is all connected.

our messed up culture of greed has got to end (as is said in a song i love called amerimakka)

the more we continue with philosophies of 'mine' and 'protect myself; and 'capitalizing', the more all this DESTRUCTION will continue... our priorities are just in the wrong places...

something happened while standing with a bunch of others... there was a large plywood-wall in front of a storefront, that was being spray-painted on, and written on- 'Danforth Strong' in mourning. It was a spot we thankfully were able to congregate, in our modern indirectly social way... we could stop, look, write.... it was a way to FEEL all our feelings, beside folks... we could stop, and share in moments...and just FEEL...it was a socially acceptable place to stop... here, now....

the Danforth, and that spot... really feeling a bit surreal, a bit calm...a bit reflective....

then there was a fast movement,a man running across the street shouting at something.... shocking because although there were cars driving on the danforth now, and a slight sense of 'general day-to-day'...the feeling street level was just different...

but do you know why he was running? HE WAS GETTING A PARKING TICKET. a fucking parking ticket... ON the Danforh, where less than 24 hours ago, 14 people were shot, and some killed.

this man, was probably fucking IN mourning... as we all were, who walked up there, to be present, to witness, to validate this reality that happened to these folks, and this community...

what if, these folks, who were getting parking tickets... were the parents of a child, who was shot yesterday...?

HOW ON EARTH, does babylon/CAPITALIST/money-power-greedy system ACTUALLY ticket people ON this street, at this time?

it was shocking, and sad, and shamefully humorous... like, i was not surprised... i was, but i was not.

they still ticket people...

didn't someone in that department realize that was just ETHICALLY not the kind of energy to put forth into the world, THAT little snippet of the world today... did someone ACTUALLY give the go-ahead, to put some staff out there, on that stretch tonight, TO TICKET?

*deep breathe* out...

we, our society, is breeding folks who kill people... we are doing this. we participate in it in all the ways that the system works... on the backs of others.

our clothes, our food...our money, our power...

it's shameful.

and i have hardly talked about the race/gender/religious/etc stories/assumptions that are inevitably going to be coming out as the story and identity of the shooter-man unfolds....

i am just talking about what brought HIM here, what has brought us here...

and how sad it is...

how sad i am...

how sad this neighborhood is, the one that i am a baby in- only 2 years living here....the one my babies have grown up in now...

how sad the families are of the people shot and killed last night, just over 24 hours ago now...

and how sad it is, that we know of so many parts of the world, where people are dying JUST LIKE THIS, and SO SO so so so so much worse...

and yet we still let it happen... keep having our drinks, our strolls....keep getting our tickets...

who's to blame?

for the people...

Trying not to cry….instead I will write.

There are 2 or maybe 3 things I should actually ALWAYS do when I feel too many feelings, I am having a hard time keeping under wraps…

Write, Hula Hoop…. Yoga…. And really simple easy accessible ones…. Breathe. A deep breathe in and out…. Or dance and laugh… (because most of the time I can’t *really* do the writing or hula hooping or proper yoga these days…. Because, well… I am a MOM of TWINS!!! J

Keeping focused now… on that number one= WRITING.

I just received a package in the mail, unexpected… super genuine meaningful life-long meaning package.

A class that I was supposed to attend tonight was cancelled… AND it’s a full moon… AND I just picked up this unexpected package thankfully now…

Universal Alignment.

A chance to write… with this fertile fertilizer to work with… this meaningful package….

Veda and her Husband Guy are from a small town outside London Ontario, where i grew up.

Veda was my ‘social’ worker when my mom died… I think she was also my Mother’s. Her role definitely was to support me as my mom died… I was probably 6-8 years old for the time that Veda officially saw me.  And I am now 34 and she is sending me packages. She broke/found loopholes in rules to maintain this relationship with me… I give thanks.

That is most of my life… (and I am now holding back tears, as I am in a café, and I just overall don’t want to waste my precious free time crying ;) (I can do that in my day-to-day-life as I encounter frustrations within myself, as I raise my toddler twins ;), hopefully not in public for those moments either J…but I digress….again… )

Veda and I have really minimized our contact these last years, as I have moved into relationship- and mama-hood role.

I wish I was a person who stayed in better touch with the key folks in my life… but, alas, life/socializing/choice/life/I…. am not the best with that… this is some of my GUILT talking…

I have touched many humyns in this lifetime, in a good way… and there are many key humyns who have influenced me in mine… in good and profound ways. Short-terms, and not as many long-terms…

I am too much a product of my family/society… I don’t believe in it, but it’s how it is…impermanence… in solid foundational relationships too.

This Womyn, and her noble husband… are too many words to put into words ;)

Like all humyns, they have wonderful qualities, (and I am sure also more non-wonderful qualities that only those super intimate with them would know ;) ). But their wonderful qualities are truly wonderful…

I want to list all their accolades, those of which I only know a small portion of…. But I will just ‘use’ them  (lovingly) now, to reflect on special Goodnesses that ARE possible in humanity…

right now… they are my ‘food for thought’ in this sacred ‘writing’ moment…their kindness will be the contextual container for me to SIMULTANEOUSLY express my alternatively frustrated and sad feelings of the world in…

…

So I am gonna jump in… and I will link up the ‘Veda and Guy’ story…. afterwords…

…

I have been doing something that I generally don’t do… I have been reading the news recently, reading the mainstream media headlines online- about too much awfulness- that a large portion of the world is actually existing in… and it’s NOT safe for these people... They are dying and starving and being bombed and raped and killed.

My fellow humyns.

I have caught my kids in recent days saying… ‘only boys do this’, or something that is ‘blanketting’ based on gender.

My response is something like… ‘ all people are equal, we are all humyns, we all poop, we are all alive. No boys or girls can or can’t do this… we can all do everything if we want.’

How is it that my guys are so safe here (I give so much thanks!!!)…. But how? Honestly.

I feel  so sad and a bit sick… as I should… like, what the fuck….

There are too many locations or countries in the world that are totally isolated in their suffering… and their suffering is far greater than I will ever know…or am unlikely to at least…

And yet *I* FEEL isolated often here in my little east-end Toronto (no longer in my ex-neighbourhood of a decade Kensington Market!)…. Mama to twins, life so completely different than anything I have ever lived before.

…

As I was walking to my (unbeknownst to me) cancelled class, I walked by a mosque, it’s special rounded top, and colourful pointy tip… and behind it was the beautiful FULL moon….

I had a range of feelings inside me that cannot be put into words again…

Memories, locations, sounds, sensations…

I remember being in places around the world…. I remember a Muslim cemetery in Ethiopia… I remember hearing prayers in the middle of the night/early morning really… I remember full moons, all over the world…

I think of too many folks in Muslim-majority countries… just being slaughtered, decimated… genocide happening as the world ‘watches’… reports on it… it’s just a story I read from my super safe home, as I hold me children, as they fall asleep at my breast… warm, cozy, growing, safe…

I think of even these folks here… to be an ‘obvious’ Muslim humyn in Canada… being targeted, killed in their very own safe holy places… mosques just like this one… People ACTUALLY *hate* these folks…and they KILL them…

I honestly honour so many scarved- womyn or men in their (excuse my ignorant explanation…) special Islamic hats and gear…as I walk by them, a respectful moment, a wish for them…. I know it’s not easy for them just to BE themselves in many places they walk…. Why is that?

Why all of this inequality and harm and killing and death….. how is it allowed…. Why is it all happening…

I feel like I know the general basic answer, and hardly any of the specific facts… but I can tell you it has to do with all those ‘yucky’ ‘sinful’ qualities in humyns that we DO:

Greed, jealousy, fear…. Selfishness…

And bigger concepts (that come from all that)…

Patriarchy, Colonialism, Capitalism. Racism. Islamophobia, Homophobia…TOO many shameful ‘ism’s

It’s the system that we humyns have let ourselves fall into… and it is now a WORLD system….

There are beautiful nooks in every NOOK of this beautiful Pachamama globe, that still have these admirably genuine real cultures that are minimally affected by this infectious Capitalist mentality and POWER-imbalance…. BUT these beautiful places exist all over the still-present World…

This beauty and connection still exists WITHIN US, within us humyn’s… it is what keeps us alive, it is the spark that brings us LIFE… but it is the SEEING and knowing and loving and appreciating that- that is the KEY….

There are humyn’s that are still practicing with their original languages and food and earth and water practices… their rituals that connect them to their people past, and their land, and each other, and their stories….

But so many of these places and these people… and their lands… are being destroyed in the name of ‘development’… these beautiful bodies of water…. These beautiful forests… animals, HUMAN BEINGS…. Children- beautiful little ones…. The Womyn- these sacred womyn who grew these humyns inside them, who worked so hard to feed and GROW these children and families and partners… to keep them healthy and fed and clean…. These men…. Who were once young baby ones themselves… who had just as much potential to be WONDERFUL…. And so many are… but, too many of the MEN are in power… and too many of them are WHITE. And too many of them are WEALTHY.

And they just don’t know what they ACTUALLY are doing to the world and each other… to our FELLOW beings. And they actually do NOT even care. But yet…. If it was their mom/sister/son/brother…they would be as sick to their stomach/soul/everything….

WHAT are we doing to each other….

Deep breathe and break moment….

…

So, what am I getting at here… other than ranting and letting of some internal steam!!? J

The question of ‘What can I do?’… from ‘over here’…in my bubble…(let’s be honest….really…)

 I had my times in life, where I actively did more…

And now I am in a position, for a range of reasons, definitely all by choice, but some more ‘situational’ too… but still by choice… Could I do more? Yes…. I know people who DO… and I just honour them… so much…my respect is profound for the ‘living activists’…those who are devouted to the righteous ‘causes’ that deepest down I KNOW we should ALL be devoted to…they do it for US. (you beautiful righteous political activists!!!!!!)

There is SO much injustice here in this world…. It’s gross. It’s here…. All over my every footstep and neighbourhood… and city and culture and fricking country and land… It’s not even mine… YES, I was born here… but I do not truly have the original real connection to it.

And honestly, the native humyns, from this land (‘Canada’)… who really had the connection… the awfulness done to them, is  a whole additional set of feelings and words… many of the same as listed above…. But Residential Schools of the past, the disgusting religious Pathology that did that to them…. And the way the present disgusting Policing ways of culture now… killing them, too many REAL missing indigenous HUMYN womyn….

They, and their true history… hold the answers and the key to taking care of the awful-ness we humyns have done….

Those humyns with the power…. The ‘decision’ makers and policy-makers…

The ones who decide that building oil pipelines across sacred land is a good idea…. Or withholding aid or money to folks in famines in ‘war’-torn countries, or taking water from holy bodies of water to manufacture ANYTHING.

I HATE that I participate in it all…. HATE.

Arggg….

So, I see my rage coming through, I see my qualities of myself that don’t come out often, and it needs to be released… it needs to be worked with… like a clay…. Molded, worked with, and through…

Veda, gave me my first journal… she gave me this idea… of writing being an ‘outlet’ to my feelings.

My mom was dying… she gave me a nice little journal with a key, and a small floral-y pen… I can picture it in my head…

It is a gift to receive guidance from caring folks… it is a gift to have folks who can take care of you at different points in your life…

It is a gift to have folks who love you… who choose to care for you. Who reach out to you.

Who teach you about being good humyns.

They were good humyns… they still are good humyns.

And they are just humyns… not super-magical-heros… no ‘super-powers’…

But kind humble genuine humyns.

Receiving such an unexpected beautiful gift from them tonight…. Holds a lot of meaning and feelings.

They teach me AGAIN….

this package is full of the travel-emails I wrote from all over the world… big blabbers of words JUST like this ;)  full of insights from my experiences as I spent months in jungles and cities and temples and forests…. Touching rivers and oceans and deserts and creatures and fruits and foods and materials and smelling smells and seeing and hearings so many sights and sounds…

The rationale behind them sending me this package is so my kids can know who I was, pre-mama… so they have the tangible old-school paper copies of it J

I have so many moments as a mom…. Teeny moments where I recall something… there are so many ‘things’ to recall….

Veda and Guy are ALSO  passing these things on to me, so THEIR kids won’t have to ‘deal’ with these beautiful folders of THEIR memories…. They are thinking of THEIR kids… relieving them of the responsibility of dealing with THEIR attachments… it’s quite beautiful…. More teachings, about how to age consciously…. To ‘make’ peace, in all facets of your life… and yet also centred around your KIDS…selfless…

I thank Veda and Guy (Sincerely, I thank you.), and I thank all the folks who I do NOT properly stay in touch with in this lifetime at this point…

I only hope that I can integrate/re-integrate so much of the beauty of my past…. With my kids, and whatever my future holds…

May it be a future that somehow can fucking have a better effect on the gross injustices that my too-powerful society/skin-colour/country participates in every day in damage….

May my kids know that none of the ‘differences’ that make up boy/girl/race/ethnicity/insert all fucking annoying labels HERE…. May they know that REALLY, focusing on those just keeps our minds stuck in UN-important places…

The real places and moments… are the hugging of the trees, the noticing of the moon… the watching of the birds… and of taking care of each other…not just US, but like our HUMYN ‘each-others’….

Like the Pachamama-children-creation ‘each-other’…

And may I PLEASE be able to tap in more easily to my past lessons in this lifetime… from humyns such as Guy and Veda, and lands I have walked upon, and rituals that I have witnessed and FELT inside my being…

May I tap into those more often… to be a better mom…. So that my contribution to the NEXT generation not FUCK up this beautiful land that we actually ARE…. And maybe that they also do GOOD for it, and us.... and ALSO get to enjoy it too…

Sigh….

And may all the good energy created from writing this e-mail ALSO go towards all my brothers/sisters/non-categorized humyns EQUAL well-being.

There are too many people actually dying and being so harmed right now…. And that’s not right…

This is for them.

company of kids

i was cleaning up breakfast, and it was 'my turn' to eat

i usually eat after they do, so i eat their leftovers.... perhaps this is what womyn have done for centuries, something like this i am sure...

it is our job to feed them, and care for them, and also stretch food and money out, ALWAYS making sure their needs are met...

back to the story though... i spilt my WHOLE bowl of berries n oats all over the floor :(

both kids came into the kitchen after hearing my despair...they sat down on the stool together, and just kind of watched....

they just kept me company...

i was definitely initially frustrated...

ugggg.....SO frustrating....

but as i started cleaning... with my children watching over me...

ZERO judgement, pure calm empathy.... just child-like curiosity....

slightly mimicking my grumpy face....

as i worked away cleaning... i realized I needed to let it go...

so i encouraged us all to take a deep breathe...

in and out...

they were really susceptible to such suggestions at that time, as they were both calm (it's harder to take 'calming' deep breathes when we are ALL worked up... it certainly takes practice to 'pause, breathe, take a deep breathe in an out')

so we started breathing together, and i started calming...

then i added.... 'let's breathe in calm happy breathe... and let go of any frustrated or angry feelings'...

then we had big smiles of breathe coming in, and making funny sounds and mouth actions releasing our breaths...

by the time i was done breathing sillilly, i was also done cleaning... and was smiling.

all because they came down and sat beside me... being present with me.

so that 'anger frustration' feeling, just past through me....flowing like a nice river....in a beautiful jungle...

not all moments happen like this, there are MANY that don't...

but it certainly was a blessing in those moments, i definitely NOTICED it happening as it happened, and totally was appreciative of my kids abilities to teach me a simple lesson...

or by BEING allowing ME to remember an often forgotten ability...

with their sweet curious company <3 p="">
i give thanks.

OBJECTS, stuff, PILES...and attachment.

you know....

i have attachments to lots of things...

i wonder if i had more time, and space, and support.... if i would find it in myself to 'let go' of lots of it.

i certianly was raised with 'attachments' to too many objects... with a 'just in case' mentality... especially if things are 'free' or 'good deals'.

but some of my 'attachments' have to do with sentimental/emotional value.

i have too many things i have held onto from my childhood, things that 'my mom chose'... or things that WERE my mom's.

but she died when i was not quite 8 yeaers old.

my intelligent side, understnads how i would have 'some' issues with letting go of things that i directly associate with my mom...

granted, i do have more than enough things that ARE hers, or related to her... but still.... if they are still functional or in good shape, i have a hard time 'rationalizing' just tossing them.

i was ALSO raised with 'reduce, reuse, recycle' mentality, and i recently saw 'repair' added... i like that too. I have that philosophy engrained in me too, and i GET it.

like, i LOVE this beautiful environment, this LAND, pachamama earth...

i wish i didn't buy as many 'new' things as i do these days... i never used to be like that... clothings swaps, finding/buying used furniture, etc.

'one man's trash is another one's treasure'

i lived that way for so many years, it's hard to just STOP living like that... i mean, i lived in a home that at one point was full of NEW, but my dad hardly replaced... that new stuff just collected dust, and depreciated.

you see, it was my mom who had the vision of all that new stuff.... or at least they did together... and once she died... he just was not interested in buying 'new'. i guess he lost the drive to 'care' about those kinds of things.

new and cool stopped being important to him, i guess that was more my mom.

and you know, i actually like that quality of my dad...i mean, really, who cares abotu new and cool??

yeah, you fit into 'society' more... but you also damage and fuck up the environment more... and honestly, that's just not cool either?!

i dunno...

i have too many objects and piles of stuff... i keep it semi-organized in my own ways...

but at THIS moment in life... it's annoying my partner, and i kind of get it, and i also get my own WAYS.

i have lots of speacial odds and ends, and they MEAN things to me...

and as my kids get bigger... hopefully i can share more with them, and then maybe then, once they've played with them and worn them all out... then i can let go of these objects...

or maybe they will want to hold on to some of these things... and then pass them on to their kids ;)

we will see what makes it till then... not much i imagine... but if these 'objects' help them to develop deeper meanings, and attachments... to beautiful memories and their ancestors.... let it be so...

<3 p="">

my sister's mom is dying *

it's interesting, this role that i have chosen to 'label' myself under... ThanaDoula

it's in the category of Doula, that really we all can be. A servant, a helping person... there to support someone in need of service.

right now it is a friend, last time it was more of a 'client' i was serving.. AS a thanadoula.

it doesn't really matter, my role is still the same, but how i APPROACH them, and speak with them is different.

i am starting to notice a theme here though, my role as ThanaDoula is actually more of a support to the living folks, helping them do their best as their loved one is dying...so that their loved one's death can be the most sacred and peaceful and present death, that they were able to orchestrate whatever they really want, but just need a bit of humyn reassurance...

because it's hard watching someone you love (and/or maybe have a mixture of emotions and attachments to).... it's still hard.

and it's a lot to take in...

'it's your first time doing all this..'

and it's true.

i just want my very good friend to release all the emotions that are not serving her and her dying mom's process right now... they are just in the way... some emotions are not serving, and it takes another person sometimes, just a BIT outside of the situation... to hear and validate and normalize... and open up space....within their heart and soul...

to be better present with their loved one... as they die.

this womyn has been PURE support in my life... and lots of love...

i wish her and her mom and dad and family... all that they need right now...

to be able to just be, and breathe together right now...with non-attachment...

it's all they need for each other...

dec 8th Again, 26 years since my Mom Died.

it's amazing when i reflect on how long it's been. and as time goes by, the numbers, or ratio of number's makes it seem though i hardly knew my mom... as i have been alive SO much longer than she was present alive in my life.

she died in 1991, so 26 years ago today. I was 7, almost 8. Today i am 33, almost 34 years old.

she died 26 years ago, i am 33.

that is a HUGE bulk of my life.

i sit here, impressed that i can write.... as it's morning time and my Twin 2.5 year old's Montana and Yemaya are surprisingly playing together... no crying (well, hardly ;) ), playing drums.... their Uncle Joel would be proud.

He was only 3.5 when Mom died. His 'ratio' of years lived with and without his Mom is greater.

For many years, i filled in a bit of a Mama role. These Years, he has absolutely taken over that role for himself, and sometimes/often, has taken over that for me too :) I give thanks.

I guess that is often/sometimes/can-be the role of mama... they give and give of themselves, they sometimes 'lose' themselves.... sigh...

my Mom actually did lose herself  though....that is one way of looking at death.

there are a million and one reasons of 'WHY' she died. officially from cancer...but how cancer even begins and grows in one's body... and why it continues to grow in one body and kill it and NOT another... well, these are all great mysteries of life.

but today is that day... when she lost herself... when we lost her, when our Mom died. and when the mother of my Dad's kids, died.

her 'torch' was passed along to us all, in different ways....

let today be a reminder to MY SELF.... her challenges she lived through, and still managed to flourish through, and then WANT us to come through her, into this world, and the vision's she had for us, and the WORK she put into us.... and traits i want to follow in her....

great work ethics, ACTIVE in things she believed in, a DOER, put-together, could PULL it together- amidst challenges in life, spiritual/religious...simply smart, personal evolution-never 'stagnant'...

she had challenges- i can see it now... in too much of the 'role' of 'woman' way- raised in a household where the mother was a beautiful kind womyn, and not treated with the respect and honour she deserved, by a man stuck in that 'man' role... the 'worst' definitions of it (with all 'due' respect to him, he is alive, and he too was raised with such unfair beliefs and values and life)

may her memory and life remind ME, and my siblings, and anyone else... to break out of the SHIT that life sometimes hands to us. IT IS UP TO US to keep evolving and growing, and not get STUCK.

there are moments of 'stagnation'.... moments that may last for some time... and sometimes we may not see that growth is happening between the currents... but it is up to US to make the changes... and it ALWAYS starts within OUR MINDS.

my Mom had a serious solid glare- window to her mind... i see it in pictures, and slightly-sadly, pictures form so much of my 'memory' of my Mom. she was focused,she had plans and confident secure visions of what she wanted, her goals were in front of her, and she worked to achieve them. and she did it honestly, and did NOT step on others to get there. she worked hard. she had her internal 'demons' i know, because now as an adult, i understand the inner workings of our minds, and how we interpret, and move beyond- yet live WITH, our challenges of our lives, and our pasts....

but yet, still.... she evolved.

i honour my mom today... and i also honour my kids :) for somehow playing fairly well for a fairly long time... and in honour of them all, i will now properly ENGAGE with my kids :)

Thank you Mom, i love you. You finally got to become a Bubby, and although you are not alive to hear yourself be CALLED such a title.... in your legacy, and my life... You made it.

Today we honour Mama's Mama, and Montana and Yemaya's Bubby.

seeing and GENUINELY BE-ing empathized with, is SIMPLY affirming.

because i guess i am a bit of a 'negatives first', but 'end with positives' kinda lady...

i will start with... we all have our SHIT we need to talk about, and offload...

some of us GENUINELY don't want to have any of it, so would like to offload it, and move on to the better stuff we are hopefully working towards in our lives...

but in order to get to the positives... i am afraid we have to deal with the poop.

it's part of the package of this lifetime... the poop is actually part of the 'day to day' reality of  humyn-ness. NOW, i am actually talking the tangible TRUE poop (and simultaneously, i am obviously talking about the philosophical ideas of poop)... WE POOP every day.... if we don't, we're not so healthy.... and since i am twin-toddler deep in reality... poop is part of my every day....three-fold... MINE, my daughter's and my son's.

sometimes, i'm even conscious of my partner's poop-ness.... in the tangible simple poop-sense ;) i deal with and encounter much actual poop.

so... the poopiness, the challenging/stinky/yucky/perhaps a bit of a release tho in releasing the RAGE/emotions/stinky poops....it's all very much part of this life, as a humyn.

so it's gotta be dealt with in a good way.... released... cleaned up in a hygenic way...taken-care of... but it has to come out.

and i realized today, after yet another great friend hang out.... that generally, we all have our 'shits', and we all have our joys.

obviously we all *want* to be focusing on the joys, and feel *guilty* for bringing in our 'negatives'/challeneges/SHIT.... but somehow, one of us will often start with 'tha shit', just bring it out, which opens up the space for each one of us... it generally comes out as a load... that just needs to be offloaded fairly quickly... and once in the presence of a good friend... phew.... outbreathe....out it comes...

and honestly....just releasing it... and to be HEARD, and FELT... just simply SEEN....

'i am feeling and experiencing this right now and it feels.... hard/yucky/stinky/shitty'

to be hear and seen and felt...by folks who genuinely care for you... and in that moment, are simply LISTENING to you.

you feel heaps lighter... like a weight has been lifted... the pressure has been released.

everything is way easier- to VIEW as POSSIBLE and POSITIVE after... once the shit has come out and been cleanly and simply acknowledged. and having less attachment to this idea that we NEED to be positive, and acknowledging that we ALL have to deal with tha shit on the daily/regular basis, makes it WAY easier to just let it go... and move on.

we all want to move on to the joy...i know i consciously do... and i LOVE that i have folks in my life who can remind me of these principles that i TRULY believe in, and worked towards for enough time. I can still feel ANGRY at parts of this world and life, yet simultaneously believe in being happy. it is true.

give thanks for things making sense... when you have folks in your life who are open to receiving some of your shit, so you can all end with a good dose of nourishment and positivity <3 p="">
(and thanks to any of you whom ACTUALLY just read this semi-philosophical writing piece that paralleled the experience of SHIT ;) i'm not sorry for my swearing, my kids cannot read and are asleep ;) )

growing my 'hair'

every year, around this time and season... i seem to 'let' my hair grow longer...

my little bits and pacthes of 'baby' hair that grow on my head... i just don't want to cut 'em... just yet.

i know it looks 'funny', it's bizarre to have just bits and pieces growing....

generally i shave it, these recent years....

there was a time when my head and even much of my body was COMPLETELY bald, no hair stubbles to show on my head, and even my eyebrows for a period of time...

although it actually has been TIMES- i have gone bald from a full head of hair TWICE in my lifetime..

but i think since occupy toronto, when i let my wisps grow long.... (as seen in the reuters video on the 'video' area of this blog))....every year i just let it grow.

inside me, in my mindset, there's a certain 'carefree-ness'.... like i just want to show it, let people see what i ACTUALLY look like.

i guess i want to see too....

i mean, all year long i shave it off... so i generally DON'T get to see what i TRULY look like...

now, loooking at myself, i get to see how much hair i ACTUALLY have.... how the patterns actually look.

and it's dark now... i think if it was summer, and i ACTAULLY wasn't wearing a scarf, i think the sun would bleach my fine little hairs fast... right now, with no sunshine ;) it's just looking dark, almost black.

i appreciate my self... and my hair.

it is ME, naturally... and WHY NOT be myself <3 p="">

possible pre-cancerouos cells in my body?...wow...

so, 2 papsmeres, first just deemed 'abnormal'...second gave more details...and next step is a closer look.

it's a weird kind of surprising thing to know and find out.

i mean, in the past, pre- super-technologized world... we humyns would constantly have weird 'abnormal' shiftings in our bodies original 'normal'...i mean, ALL bodies break down, and die.

we all die... and we all die from a range of our once mostly PERFECT bodies just decreasing in function... function to fight off weird viruses... or bacteria... from 'broken' bits of fibres/bones/cells/organs...

so in the past, when our teeth hurt, or we felt a pain in our bodies... i am sure we spoke of them, went to our family/community medicine/healer person... and they offered us what they could, and we trusted in them, and these ways... or came to some kind of peace with these physical embodiments that 'felt' different, perhaps in pain...

and more likely, maybe we didn't even feel the pain, or know the severity of it... until it really started to take us down.... to kill us.

now, I'm not saying i am fully 'dying', i don't think that at all..i don't really generally think that way...

sometimes it's quite clear you need to take health problems seriously, in particular moments.. but until i KNOW there's something wrong, I'm not going to necessarily 'fret' over it (I do fret in other ways, but not body health stuff ;) )

but it is a very interesting position to suddenly have a 'tangible' thang to reflect over... that i may have to reflect on.

what has been found in these abnormal paps, are cells of a certain variation, that are of a more concerning nature ('moderately or severely abnormal' says the internet ;) )...ones that need to be looked at immediately, and removed and biopsied ideally.

it's kind of interesting to me to watch my train of thoughts....

it's surprising that my 'lady parts' not so long ago *i THINK* were in perfect condition...i mean, i had twins 2.5 years ago.... and my body was a super trooper for the whole pregnancy.... so like what happened? what changed?... and it happened kind of fast, no?

also, this 'knowing' of something, that in the past days i spoke of.... i wouldn't have known this....

GUARANTEED i was going to die eventually, and that things will DEFINITELY fall apart, stop functioning, in their own unique combinations of ways (just as birth happens...)...but i wouldn't know of this possible 'pre' death step...

it's interesting...

to know more of our health/mis-health... how much it potentially does for us...?!

As long as i (and my boyfriend!) can minimize fear...and instead let it bring focus and clarity... about principles of living, and priorities of care and time...then i guess i am ok with the 'knowing'....

wish me 'luck'?!

community and friendship are in my top VALUES.

friends.... are community.

people we have crossed path in our lives, at very special times... long times ago, or recent times...

hopefully in good times, but perhaps we forged over difficult times....

but we share a sense of comraderie... of confidance... of communication, and respect, and support.

as i reflect on my core values... things that really make ME and my LIFE feel right...

friends and community- folks that 'fit' into these categories, really serve to ground me.

and not just that they 'serve' me, because it has been noted about me, that i am self-centered.

i am self-centered, perhaps more than others, because my Mom died, and i had to become my OWN mother.

the thing about MOTHERS, is they ARE centered in their CARE for whom they care for.

they do not have the LUXURY (if they have chosen to BE mothers) to step away so easily from those they care for.

if i stopped caring for myself, then i would have fallen through the cracks fast. I am gad my mother, and the different role models and mentors i have had in my life have helped me to learn to 'take care of myself'.

NOWadays, my friends and my community, who i see too sparingly... REMIND me to take care of myself. REMIND me of the principles that we once and CONTINUE to connect on.

those principles and values that WE TOO share together.

sometmes we connect in dance and joyful expressions and reggae and world music companionship...

sometimes we connect in geographical roots- we once lived and loved together in kensingtnon market culture... or perhaps we lived and loved in a different part of the world, travelling together...

sometimes we connect on buddhist meditation practice- sharing retreats and sangha and ideals to live by....

sometimes we connect in motherhood- we have met and bonded during this time...evolved and laughed and cried as we are exhausted because of lack of sleep... as we have watched our kids grown up through crawling into walking... through sounds into talking... through mushy food to meals and 'manners'... we have watched our bodies change in shape and breastfeeding and blood flowing again... to fertile bodies once again...

these friends, whom i ideally see a few a week... here and there, sometimes without, but usually WITH my children- whom now make me not one but 3 HUMYNS i share my values/body/food/tears/laughter/ETC with....

these friends feel like my saviours. they acknowledge and recognize and reflect and honour and nurture and support me.... to keep going.

my children are such a combination of energies for me... they feed me, yet TOTALLY zap me. i love them and don't want to be apart from them.... YET I NEED MY SPACE AND HEADSPACE SO BAD... so that i can properly take care of them.

so while they 'serve' me, to take care of me...my friends and the folks i intimately share my inner nature with- they too do the same.

We share our trials and tribulations... we reason... we eat together, we dance and get merry together... we cry together, and talk and talk.... if we did't have so many children about- im sure at this point in life we would probably also be sharing much more silence together too ;) and that's a beautiful thing.

as i age a bit more, now that i am a mother (and it certainly 'matures' one)...my values in life have shifted much more towards the real raw and yet also STABLE and grounded-ness existing in my life.

friends are like that... when they are proper friends... they are trees, in the forests of our lives.

and may we all hve forests.... sigh...

may we all have these supportive understanding forests... and may we also all feel supported BY the real thang... FORESTS.

i need to get myself to the forests...to lie down in a bed of pine needles....(or snow since it's coming )...

there's nothing like being in the forest with folks you love though....

i give thanks for folks that i can share such love with.... the friendship speckles that make up my 'community' of support.

it all trickles down into my children...and for this i am thankful.