inspired by the depths of my empathetic sadness...for a grandchild caregiver of elder w dementia

a womyn who is young- a peer...

her mother died too, when she was young- how old, i am unsure, but young enough, that she was a 'child'... like me.

she shared her story, via a presentation, in our class we take together...

grief and bereavement counselling certificate... grief across the lifespans the class is called.

she chose to do her presentation on 'older adults', and chose COURAGEOUSLY to tell her story, all the while properly sharing her grandparent's story, and covering all the parameters she needed to in presenting about the experience of LOSS in this cohort of humyn life.

her grandmother has dementia now. her grandfather died in 2011, and her grandmother was diagnosed within 3 years of his death.

the way she told her story, of her grandmother, her grandfather... their life together... and how she, this yojng womyn, came to BE, in this role now.

there are so many levels and places and ways that i FEEL for her. and since i am taking this class, and starting to be able to really see and understand the RANGE of ways that grief and loss and bereavement affect us in our lives, ACROSS our entire lifespan....well, as soon as she started crying, i was THERE with her.... fully crying.

i just felt so much for her... it's so hard for her, and she's doing so well.... i just really feel for her. it's not easy for her... and she's my peer, she's my age....

she's parentless, and she's caring for someone who is her grandmother, who has dementia... she forgets so many pieces and bits of her life... all of which her grandaughter knows and REMEMBERS for her.

her grandaughter holds so many of her memories... the stories of this womyn's love, and life.

and i can see, in this all... how it has strained her youthful-ness.... there's just no time and space for this young womyn to just BE... freely....

and i feel for her....

'it's a humyn thing' i said, 'this was SO courageous of you'...i said...

when she apologized for crying....

no need to apologize...at all.

i am thankful that this class existed, for her to tell her story... to let it out... to let off some emotional rich hard sad steam....

it's hard for her... and i feel for her.

my fellow motherless sister... who feels the lack of her mama... and she works HARD, to take care of her mama's mama...

may she continue ot find healthy balanced strength to take care of her and her grandma...

and one day, when it is time for her grandma to go too, back to creation.... may this young womyn find some relief, and some time and space... to grieve all the losses she too has experienced in her little lifetime.... so she can breathe a bit lighter....

do i look like a 'thief'? (and the feelings of being 'targeted' as one...)

i want to start this off, by actually not JUDGING people who would be thieving things from a grocery store... food is one of our BASIC needs. I am not judging folks who would be stealing... ESPECIALLY not mother who would be.

furthermore, there are SO many large scale criminals... that us folks, who are at the lower end of the INCOME scale, are NOT the ones who should have fingers pointed at us.

that being said...today, for the second time, at the same grocery store, i was accosted, and asked to see my receipt, and to check my bags.

it was called the BIG CARROT-  'natural food store', which means it is higher end, organic foods.... WHICH MEANS, the only folks who can afford to shop there with no problems, are going to be the wealthier folks... who don't even need to 'budget' as i do.

the folks that would NOT be accosted, would be folks who have everything neat, and tidy, and probably wouldn't be pushing their kids in a stroller, because they would have a NANNY to do that for them....they probably wouldn't be reaching in and out of their stroller as i was doing, because they wouldn't have to get multiple errands done in one day, WHILE taking care of two 2-year old ACTIVE and hungry children!!!

TODAY, my morning looked like it usually does... my partner gets up, and focuses on getting ready to go to work... and i change my kids into their clothes, after a little wash up.... i prepare breakfast, and feed them.... i get our stroller all set up for a morning and afternoon out of the house.... i pack up fruits and snacks... i plan on buying a partial lunch at the food shop... for our park trip... our little special treat lunch out- that doesn't happen every day...because i couldn't afford to do that... we can't.

so i cook.... and i grow a garden, so we can eat some of our own delicious freshness in the summertime.

The main reason why i made the longer trek TO this particular organic grocery store today, was because they sell organic tomato plants, and i wanted to buy a few more, as mine were eaten by creatures :)

After our library trip, to stock up on more books, to nourish my children's minds.... next stop, was the big carrot- to buy tomato plants, and a bit of lunch... and a few other bits that i prefer to buy organic.

Absolutely, the whole time... i am feeding my kids snacks- reaching down under my stroller, grabbing the rice cakes and fruit...  ALL my purchases were in ONE bag in the front, because ya CAN'T push a double stroller AND a shopping cart...but again, i am a super mama,with minimal support, who needs to get shit done, WHILE caring for her kids... so, i have no choice, but to do THIS.

THIS MAMA here, needs to get errands done herself... and carry it all, and take care of the kids... and feel good about what i look like a bit too... which is part of the 'targeting'... i don't LOOK upper class, let's be honest ;)

SO, we were doing these errands, and heading to the park next...  by the time we cash out, and i fit all the groceries, and fragile tomato plants into the stroller, on top of the library books.... my organic delicious coffee, in my cup holder... we are READY to get to the park.

i just walked out of the store, when a humyn asks to see my receipt. I cannot remember the exact words she said... but it was clear what she thought happened...what she was accusing me of.

this is the SECOND time in a row, i have been accused, in this store...

It's a good thing, i am intelligent, and can understand why this could happen.

WHY it happened to me- why they targeted me... and on a larger macro scale, i understand how everyone, is fucking paranoid and selfish, and how we just target each other.  those with wealth and power, will do ANYTHING to hold onto that... so many of us humyns have just forgotten caring for other people... giving, taking care.

no longer is that prevalent... these days, it's 'security', loss and fraud prevention'... fear, mistrust, etc etc...

this womyn was hired to do this. She was hired to do 'fraud prevention'- her words.

she also is a black womyn. a womyn, or humyn, who annoyingly, would normally be targeted...before me. which is FUCKED, and equivalently wrong.

here i am, wearing my leopard pants, skin tight...i've got my two kids- reaching for things in the grocery store, making sounds just a little bit louder than the average 'nannied' kid, who would come from a household that has a cleaning lady too, a car probably, a good support system, etc etc...kids that would 'properly behave'.... my kids are wonderful, and full of life and pizzazz and expression...

but i mean... we definitely struggle... financially, etc.

it's hard for my family, to make ends meat.

it's hard for LOTS of families, and people to make ends meat.

AND IT'S REALLY EASY for others... and they don't even think about the amount of privilege and power that they have.

NOR do they care, or care to understand how it feels for folks like me...and folks who are targeted WAY more frequently than me.  and this in my most elder decade of life has really started to FRUSTRATE me more. it's not fair, and it's not right.  We are ALL humyn creatures, and we TRULY are perfectly equal and equivalent, if i have to 'evaluate' us...

but, I am white, thus I am more privileged. but i am bald, and i am NOT upper class... so i do lose some privilege points there.

I AM also intelligent. I also am hard working. I also deserve respect for all the hard work that i do... being a good mother, being a person who is resourceful, who does know how to 'budget'...who does know how to feed my children as well as i can, within reason... and i am proud of this. and i am proud of myself. For my confidence to stand up for myself in these situations.  And am inspired to do better, with my rage and frustrations as my fuel, and my intelligence and ability to express as my medium.

I am proud that i get excited over purple and yellow coloured organic tomatoes.  and that i made it a priority, to buy these tomatoes, and to garden. to work within our means, to find a place to rent to live, for our family, that ALSO had garden space.

It's a choice we made, and to pay higher rent, means you have less money for other things. So i don't always have the newest clothes and accessory gear objects WHATEVERS... neither do my kids often, and i don't want them to think that's what this life is about, ANYWAYS. because IT'S NOT.

to be judged, to accuse me, when i am working so hard just to get 'everything' done... is insulting, and it's embarassing...  and it really hurt my feelings in those moments.

i totally cried.

initially, i was totally diva to the security womyn... 'you want to know what's in that bag? LIBRARY BOOKS... and that one- a diaper bag... and that one, snacks, and fruit, for my children....'

and after that whole exchange ended... i walked away, back to the same-chain-coffee bar where i had gone to before the groceries... i knew there was a kind womyn who was in there, and i actually needed to release via tears- i felt tears inside, i needed to be heard... by a kind non-judging humyn, in that moment....

i walked up to the barista, and just cried, and told her what happened...

my lady Yemaya said 'mommy crying'...  in the future, i will speak to her about the complexities of this situation, ALL throughout her life.

I will talk to her about privilege, and profiling... and the unfairness-es that she too will have to navigate through... because annoyingly and sadly... this is still VERY MUCH a society that PRIVILEGES folks with money, ESPECIALLY white masculine ones...

and let me tell you, this diva mama, pushing a double stroller, packed full with her 2 active kids... and library books, groceries, and tomato plants OBVIOUSLY does not fit into that category...

overall, i am not expecting to get anything out of sharing this story, excpet for maybe it will mean something to someone else, and it will validate a similar experience they went through... but i just need to let it out... because it was frustrating, and hurtful... and made me feel bad.  And that's really just not fair or right.  For all the reasons.

This is dedicated to TOO many people who are unfairly treated in this world, while TOO many people stomp all over them... worldwide... exploiting other people and the land and just actually don't give a shit. it's not right at all.

i will go back to that place, when i need something, which generally is the approach i take with it anyways, as i can't afford to do our full-time grocery shops there, obviously... but next time someone approaches me in this accusatory way... i am going to ask to speak to the most maximum of managers there- to have a bigger discussion... not the humyn being in front of me, who is actually hardly to blame...

she's low on the totem pole of power and privilege too, truly....and i am thankful i am intelligent enough to know that... and that i can feel this ANGER, and empathy... and that i have a brain that can conceptualize all this.

this is all just food for thought...

we are creatures born of our Pasts.

All of us humyns were born into our lives.

hopefully healthy families that loved us, and even still, most humyns are 'flawed', so we still don't turn out perfect.

We are malleable creatures.

We are born as distinct clearly unique individuals, absolutely.

And then we are completely shaped and altered and affected by what goes ON in our lives from that point forward.

and the people who raise us, again ideally with love....are still humyns. raised by other folks, in this culture that is not so honest and caring, TRULY- about how it's humyn offspring fellow creatures are RAISED...thus what and HOW they teach us about how to BE in this lifetime... and why...are already grown into their body that has lived as many years as it has... it is a body and life and humyn that is enmeshed of all it's experiences.

we are creatures born of our pasts.

which brings me to the more positive evolution to this concept...

there comes points, and when you pay good attention, and put care and effort into your practice...when you realize that our pasts are constantlygrowing, and that REALLY, all of our future means we have MANY possibilities to create in a GOOD way what then becomes our past.

we can make so many good positive healthy choices.... that will allow us time and time again to evolve and grow again....BORN again, again and again... every choice and step along the way, every day.

now it is work, to carry along this life path, in this culture, or world.... especially, again, if you are not raised with love...in love...in healthy happy caring stable love... then you have more obstacles to navigate THROUGH... and you do have to navigate through them... and again and again...

because who you are... who you were raised to be.... it makes up your basic structure... your body, but so much of your MIND and perspectives and ways of being... that continue to shape you.

it's hard work to make choices, aboiut how to act, how to be... more of a person that you want to be, or know is better to be.... because a lot fo people know ethics, they know what it means to be good, not to do bad...

and there TRULY are so many factors at work, that don't allow us to be the best people we can be, the best people that take care of other people and the earth, that ACTUALLY sustains us...

but we create our future, with every action and step that we take....and it's empowering to remember that. and to remember that it's also WORK and PRACTICE to keep that thinking and acting up and active...

i want to be a better person. i want to teach my kids to do better than what we have done. WE as parents, but WE as humyns.... WE as creatures that are born of our pasts... our upbringings and cultures and philosophies that maybe just don't resonate with us....

because we have listened to other ways of thinking.... that care less about the 'addictions' of this modern world- that probably ALLof us humyn's battle with internally in one way or another realistically...but we can also choose to see those flaws in ourselves, and not hate them... but notice them... and then grow again....

create our future.... that becomes our past.

i know i certainly want to do that for my children...

and in a less selfish way.... i think i also owe it to the earth and my fellow humyns, many of which were not born into some of the privileges i was...

i was reminded tonight, in attending a yoga class, which truly has been an important PIECE to a healthy life for me for over a decade now ...and in the past couple weeks upon reflection, as my children turned 2 years old, and we were fortunate to have been IMMERSED in family time with the majority of our little family's closest living relatives, in one way or another.

in honouring us all, i really take to heart that i vow to take better next steps.

i am a creature born of my past.... every step along the way... every event and action and interaction...from my in utero, to my infancy, toddlerhood, teenagehood, early and young adulthood, through this motherhood time.... some of it i didn't choose, some of it i did.

i am a creature born of my past.

we all are actually.

let's all make better choices.

disappearing friendships...

i realize now that my friendships PRE-baby...most of them... have not made it past into my new life.

it makes me wonder how genuine they were before...

it was a time when i was a 'diva'... where i had a reputation, an active one... and as ego-tistical as it sounds to say this now... i'mma gonna say it anyways... because it explains where the past friendshgips are now... in that time and places... of self-centred EGO...

those frienships were obviously based a little bit too much on cool-ness, on what we looked like, what people thought about us...

im now in a place of caring for others...

and some of these friendships have just disappeared... its surprising actually how fast...

considering how young my babies actually are...just under 14 months... friendships that lasted years have disintegrated...

its an interesting position i am now in... time to get some new friends... people who want to hang out with me and my babies :) no longer am i a solo diva... but a mama, with twins <3 p="">

babies almost a year old!!

3 tools that will need to be drawn upon... moving forward, in this baby rearing adventure:

1) my travelling experiences
2)hula-hooping/ drum-dancing
3)spiritual/meditation/yoga practice

milk flow transitioning into blood flow...

it started as a familiar throbbing tingling down in my yoni...( my vagina...the lower core of my wombynhood... womyn-honouring terminology)

and a sort of gassy cramping...in my frontal tummy,

i thought it felt familiar... but i didn't think anything more of it...

but then terell came home, and we put our 11-month twin babies to sleep, and i went to the bathroom...

and i saw it... red-ness...

MY BLOOD IS BACK!!!

it is such a bittersweet mixture of feelings... because it is a clear signal to me- that my milk supply has drastically decreased... i night weaned like 10 days ago- i stopped breastfeeding my babies overnight... from like 5:30 pm till 6:30 am...they used to breastfeed all throughout the day... and night... my breasts were full of milk and tender and tingly those first nights- itching for relief.. i went into the shower and massaged my breasts, to help the milk come out... i couldn't WAIT for the morning time to come, so i could be with my babies and breastfeed them...all 3 of us nooked in together... transitioning from nighttime to daytime- intimately <3 p="">
i stopped breastfeeding at night, so we could 'sleep train' them, to stop co-sleeping with us (one baby was with one parent in 2 different rooms- switching each night!)... to sleep together in their own cribs, in their own room...so they could get more sleep, so terell and i could start getting more sleep too... so him and i could sleep together again...

i knew what that would mean for me and breastfeeding... and i still did it... and now i sort of regret it a bit, but i also don't... but i also do...

i miss the intimacy with the babies... but i know it is really important for terell and my relationship, and for the well-being of our blossoming family, and it does feel REALLY good to have a little bit of stress-free freedom to be SUNNI as an independent humyn again... but i do miss the intimacy of nooking in with my babies... breastfeeding them, us curled into each other.. in the sweet dream time of the night, falling asleep and waking up with my breast leaking milk onto the bed and my babies... just creatures of the earth we are... with our amazing natural perfections... can you imagine? milk flowing from my breast??!!! i still cannot believe it...

well here i am now... milk still does flow from my breast, but i know in much LESSER quantities...  and my blood flow now JOINING my milk flow is a sure sign that my milk supply is not strong... my body decided it is no longer limiting my body from producing more babies- the babies are big enough- they are weaning from mama... (generally it is said that womyn who breastfeed don't get their periods/ovulate ... or are less likely too at least then womyn who DON'T breastfeed! i have fed our babies with much formula, but i also THANKFULLY breastfed!- this is Nature's way of giving the superbness that is WOMYN a break from getting pregnant again while taking care of brand new breastfeeding babies!)

my 'period' blood has not flowed through my body for approximately 20 months... 9 months of pregnancy... and my babies are almost 11 months old now...that is heading towards 2 years of NO bleeding on a monthly basis... no longer having this intimate time with myself monthly... to see the red appear on my underwear... reminding me to take  certain kind of extra care of myself... i have to take care to care for this blood coming from my body... to take care of myself as i feel the sensations move through me...body and mind and breathe....

time to pull out my reusable and my disposeable pads... time to dig through my underwear collection and find the ones to use for my time of bloodflow... time to get a new 'size 2' diva cup- a blood collecting cup designed for 'post-childbirth' yonis... like mine ;)

what a surprise this bloodflow was :) i was wondering when it would happen...

here it is... today, now...

i am going to go to the bathroom now... have a cleanse, and watch the water run a light red in the process...

how amazing and perfect creation is.

i didn't realize there were so many 'ends' happening, until i saw the beginnings...

sometimes you don't know things are gonna be over, until you are in the future, and look back and think...  wow, i didn't know then this would be the last time...

it's little things right now that i realize are done with with my babies... and i realize that what someone once told me is true... it goes fast, and you pass stages and then they are gone...

for example, we have been using a notebook to write down ALL the babies feedings since they were born, to keep track in our sleep-deprived brains who has been fed what and when... and when they were sick, who got what medicine and when... etc etc... they are getting close to 11 months old now.

i didn't realize that would become obsolete once we shifted into the babies being on a sleeping and eating schedule- which we are presently doing!!!  this is the 3rd day of the schedule, and so much has changed- mainly that they are being 'sleep trained', so we don't comfort them all the way to deep sleep anymore-through cuddling, breastfeeding, or formula... at bedtime, they cry a bit, then fall asleep on their own, and when they wake up in the night/naps, they cry again until they figure out how to sleep again... NOT needing to get them to sleep 3 times a day (bedtime and 2 naps), especially with 2 babies... IS A HUGE RELIEF!!!

i really never expected myself to put my babies on a schedule, ha ha... anyone who knows me knows that seems pretty unexpected for me... but then again, i never expected to have TWINS :) and it really does change everything for the baby-rearing game!!!

so these last few days, transitioning into a scheduled-routine, has been a HUGE shift for me and us...

something that has been a long time coming as the babies have been growing out of some of our past normalities...

another example of an 'ending'- 'Breastfeeding naps'...i really am thankful for my times of breastfeeding my babies... (i still am, but not as often, and less long intimate breastfeeding sessions especially that they eat so much solid food now)... We used to all nap together, they would tandem breastfeed, cuddle up in covers, nook in, and we would all fall asleep <3 ...="" a="" ago...="" anymore="" as="" asleep...="" being="" both="" but="" didn="" falling="" it="" month="" nap="" or="" p="" possibility...="" possible...="" so="" stopped="" sweet="" t="" then="" they="" weren="" work="">
i didn't realize those last times that sacred rest together happened, that they would be the last like that...

i DID realize those last couple nights PRE-sleep-training...those nights leading up to us building up the second crib, and turning the room that was once my co-sleeping room into PURELY the babies rooms... i DID realize those last couple nights that these would be the last nights i would sleep nooked in with my babies, breastfeeding them at our leisure- in that beautiful semi-conscious dream place... and i held them close...

of course EVERY day i hold them close and love them... but the times when i sleep with them- and all the sacred connection that those nights of sleep include... are over....

now they sleep together, side by side in their cribs, and today is our third day of scheduled routine... and i heard them laughing shortly after waking from their nap :) i guess this is the beginning of a new sacred normal... for them :) they are back together, and so are Terell and I.

For the first 10.5 months of their lives... we were all split up, yet together.... me with one baby in one room... terell with other baby in other room... and we'd swap every other night... so there was much bonding with parents and children... but not so much between parents and between babies... at night time that is...

i guess we too didn't realize that we would be apart for so long, terell and i... we didn't realize what was to unfold when these babies came out of me... we didn't realize how we were going to do ANYTHING!! wow... what a learning curve we have been on.

the fact that i am able to sit here, during the day, and type out my internal dialogue, IS AMAZING for me... it's been a long time i have had a conscious daytime session with myself... i have left the house during the daytime, but in these rare times i am usually rushing to be calm and check in with my body/mind/spirit at an indulgent yoga session ;) My daytime free time has definitely been sparse, and my brain and writing flow functions WAY better during sunlight hours :) this SILENCE and STILLNESS that i am surrounded by presently has been probably the MOST rare for me... i will relish in these moments in coming days- it is so refreshing...

i give thanks for the lessons that come with these endings...the ends of the stages and phases... that i loved and really cherished... i am thankful we co-slept and flowed for so long... and now i am thankful for this routine, that gives me some moments to be with MYSELF again... how sacred...

i didn't realize that having these babies would consume my every bit as much as it has and does and will continue too...

do not get me wrong though, THEY ARE ABSOLUTELY worth it all <3 p="">
i love my babies Montana and Yemaya, and my quirky partner Terell too.

the end of co-sleeping at 10.5 months....

these are our final 2 nights of co-sleeping... so its my last single night with each baby :(

it IS my decision to do this... to sleep train them and get them used to sleeping in their cribs in their own room...it is OUR decision- but it wouldn't happen without my go-ahead... i am pro-actively choosing it.

but i am definitely mourning this soon-to-be no-more-sleeping-ness with my babies...

looking at them, how i know their movements even in SLEEP so well...

this also is me night weaning them from breastfeeding... letting go of that sacred nightime relationship... i have fallen asleep MANY times and so have they, as i breastfeed them in the night...

that will all be over...

i dont think i thought about ALL these pieces that i would be letting go in sayin YES to cribs and sleep training...

i have really loved it... moments in those dreamy sleep times- and i realize my baby is nooked RIGHT into my body... it is so sensual and deeply emotional loving connected...

and to be woken up by them (as hard as it is also!)... them crawling up on me... poking at my face... making funny sounds... and then laughing when i open my eyes, and they realize i am awake too :)

but it's just gotten so hard.... switching babies every night, one with terell, one with me... and terell and i never sleeping together... NEVER, since the babies were born... 10.5 months ago...

as the babies have gotten more mobile, it's gotten less safe, and more stressful for terell to sleep with them, since he's a heavier sleeper, and is in a raised bed... ultimately he has been barricading them in with bed rails and objects, and he was just cramped in... when he's sleeping!!?? and that's not right... this was the breaking point for me... i was on a mattress on the floor- safe and comfortable.... terell was now sleeping on a fraction of a bed :(

it wasn't working anymore- the co-sleeping... and i tried to sleep with them both, and couldn't handle the responsibility- after all this time of the ease of looking after only one baby a night, two at night- when i take care of them both all day, and need to recover a bit at night... also that would leave terell alone- and he also hasn't been ALONE since we got together... so us co-sleeping WITHOUT him wouldn't work either...

so here we are, 2 eves away from the big start of 'sleep traning'... a yucky process with a positive and healthy end result... the babies gaining the ability to fall asleep on their own- so that they are well rested, thus happier and healthier... AND, US TOO!!!! :)

I look forward to more freedoms- to maybe go out at night, knowing my babies AND my partner are going to be okay...everyone is comfortable going to sleep and staying asleep, and thus i can go out and dance late one night, and come home spiritually nourished... tired from a late night, but ready in spirit/soul to continue caring for these quickly growing creatures :)

they are growing so fast- it's shocking as a parent.... how has it all happened so fast???

my sweet sleeping babies... cuddled up and nooked in in their own unique beautiful ways... sacred sleep patterns intertwined with my own... and terells...

i do feel fortunate and proud that we co-slept thus far... it has only deepened my loving relationship with them... and them with us... there is NOTHING unhealthy or problematic with co-sleeping with your babies- it's a sacred natural phenomenon- just as being naked with them is... we are humyn natural animal creatures...we eat, sleep, drink together... they came out of my body... we were naked....

and i feel fortunate and proud that i have breastfed thus far... and i am sad that the nighttime breastfeeding will be over... that maybe the most... because this is a very unique sacred relationship and time with my babies...

we used to all nap together- i would breastfeed them both and they would fall asleep at my breasts, and then so would i <3 ...="" and="" asleep="" but="" changed="" doesn="" fall="" has="" have="" i="" in="" lady="" montana="" month...="" my="" p="" past="" so="" t="" that="" the="" to="" too="" up="" usually...="" wake="">
i am beginning to mourn the losses that come with parenting, as the babies grow OUT of phases of growth... there are SO many special beautiful bits to honour and love and appreciate... and when something that you really loved just stops, and disappears... they have moved on to the next bit... leveled up... for you- as an adult parent... it's over... and you didn't know those were the last times you would ever share that specific beautiful phenomenon...

anyways... I've gotta get ready to sleep... tonight it's my last night with yemaya...my little snuggler, my early riser- with smiles and silly laughter of joy and cackles... she will move around all night, and always find a way to touch me <3 at="" her="" i="" miss="" much...="" night="" p="" so="" will="">
tomorrow Montana... my solid deep sleeper... he will wake up suddenly and start crawling right on top of me... on top of my face, my stomach...and i will have to pull his big heavy body off of me, to move him down to my breast to settle him back to sleep... and we will fall asleep like that... until the next time we wake....

i will LOVE being able to sleep without having to wake up once or so to make a bottle... and i will LOVE not having to...hardly....move...in fear of waking up a baby...or squeezing myself into smaller areas of the bed... so as to not wake a baby...

and i will love sleeping with terell again... cuddled into my chosen life partner, to rekindle our companion relationship that we put on hold to sleep with, and take good care of our babies...now we can take care of each other again (as well as the babies- who are not really babies anymore, but almost toddlers!!)... honour each other at nighttime...

so much intimacy occurs in just sleeping with and beside your partner... and i have missed it too... i LOVE my baby cuddles and sleeping relationships...but i miss terells too.

gracias pachamama for this truly amazing experience thus far.... it's been amazing, and EXHAUSTING :) I LOVE them so much....

and please, in the next week or so... support us with love and calm and ease and REST as we make this transition all together...

time to 'level up' as my brother says...

gulp....

friends help me to SEE (myself as a Mama!)

i am now over 7 months in, deep in mama-hood to my twins... montana and yemaya!

 

the winter holidays have just finished, it is january 3rd and everyone goes back to work and school and regular functioning society tomorrow.

Over these recent days, i have had many visitors. I have gotten to reconnect with many great friends that are too busy to REGULARLY make the journey out to our now no-longer downtown-central home, but 30 minutes trek east of downtown home ;) 

These visits from friends, and my thorough enjoyment has prompted me to write this moment.

what i have realized more so now with babies... is that good friends, in SEEING you, and what your present life is... sort of legitimizes, actualizes, gives FORM and TRUTH to your day-to-day reality.

My babies are over 7 months now, and they are crawling, and have teeth, and are growing more :) They are eating, and making sounds that sound like words, or the beginnings of words... daa daaa, maaa maaa.... 

Day in and day out... i wake, and go to sleep with these 2 small humyns.

I am absolutely caught up with their every single set of flowing movements.

I am no longer JUST sunni (though i AM too!)... but i am more like Sunni + Montana + Yemaya.

I have left home many times, as Terell is a wonderful working partner, that recognizes that when i say i need to go out... i do... 

But it still is rare that i really leave and go out for extended periods... but i do, on average once a week. Sometimes to do a short delicious yoga class and grocery shop (solo!)... sometimes to have a couple drinks and dance with some friends :)

For the most part, i am a trio... my little trio crew <3 div="">

So i sort of have lost a bit of my sense of independence... and also do not see the significance of what is happening here- the shocking rate at which these babies that it feels like SO recently emerged from my body (i still cannot believe it!!!), are CHANGING and growing.

They are blossoming...

like a swollen flower they come into this world...

fully, completely THEM... their personalities and souls, contained in that beautiful form...fresh from mama's body, fresh out of womyn's body...

of creation.

And they eventually... with ALL the care and love we can fathom, as parent's... as mothers... and it's hard for us mamas after delivery and labour... to gather up energy...

but we absolutely find it. these are our babies <3 div="">

Over hours, and days, and weeks and months... the babies personalities and beautiful special quirks blossom, unfold, emerge... they are there all along, right from the very beginning... i know this now, after this beautiful becoming of a parent... but we ALL begin this physical expression of a lifetime complete- as our WHOLE personality...

the petals loosen... the flower opens.

there are layers and layers... pretty beautiful abundant layers of beautiful petals... full and lush and gentle.

babies are like that... i guess that adults must be like that too... they are... because we humyns were born that way.

I am full time simply watching and honoring and enjoying their blooming blossoming unfoldings... watching... my little boy and girl... become their older embodied version of themselves... growing every moment.

I am not going to say they are growing wiser... as i think we talk like that, but the truth is, they are born with TRUE wisdom... just because they learn how to 'walk' and 'talk', does not make one WISE...

they were born looking in our eyes... being ONE with their natural self.

i think they were, and humyns are, BORN wise... natural.

its beautiful to watch them unfold... see what our teachings, and the teachings of this OUTER world will do to them...

When i get to share time and space... good quality time and space... with friends and family... when they get to cuddle and smile and play and laugh... giggle, and bounce... do all the things that my babies invite us big folks to do, when faced with babies... THEN i get to see my babies in a different sort of CLARITY.

I see how they are shy sometimes, and super giggly others... i see how they cuddle and nook in with some friends and family... and how their gentleness and silliness makes these adults feel full-hearted.

Terell and i are truly doing the BULK of raising these 2 creatures i love... truthfully, and this point in time... our communities are not exactly raising our children.... the village is not exactly closeby or super-intere-connected...  Alas, this is our destiny and karma, these 2 babies jumped into my body together, a sweet little sneaky surprise... they chose to come together, embodied in this existence.

It also is our culture and society... villages are NOT raising children... we are all too split up, and focused on ourselves... even i am, we are... just trying to raise our babies happy and healthy at this point.

So when our close friends and family come by... and they play, and cuddle... and see what we have done... when they empathize with me for moments... understand what my FULL-time has been for the past 7+ months...l feel SO proud of us ALL...

for how awesome-special-beautiful-smart-inquisitive my lovely twin baby boy and girl are (i am SO biased!!!)... and for how Terell and i have done as parents so far...

and ultimately, proud of MYSELF. for doing it... for taking the leap, and becoming the mama i dreamt of being for years... knowing i could do it- the whole package- pregnancy, birthing, and the biggest... RAISING them... and i love it, i love them <3 div="">

and i thank all my friends, and family, and people who have stopped and offered POSITIVE words of wisdom for me along the way...or people who have just smiled at me... all the old ladies who peek into my stroller, and ask 'twins?' with a smile and cute look of shock... and i say 'yes' with a smile back! I thank those people for in those moments, honouring and acknowledging the challenging miracle it is to have babies and especially to have MULTIPLE babies at once :)

These people all help ME to see what i am so involved in, and cannot always see.

Me as a mama, and my babies <3 div="">

‘medically uninteresting’- over 37 weeks pregnant. April 29, 2015

Today i was told by the quite quirky male nurse, (surprising for a hospital just how quirky his appearance and person is!)... that i was medically ‘uninteresting’.

He looked at all my numbers and figures... as they do when i go to the hospital for this twin pregnancy.  First i get an ultrasound, then a nurse takes the numbers and inputs them into my file... and then i see the doctor, the ‘multiples’ birth specialist.

My blood pressure is always healthy, my weight always healthy and reasonable... i have no other bizarre physical things going on.

EXCEPT for the exceptional NATURAL process that is happening in me, HEALTHILY... i am growing twins!

The nurse looks at the babies weights, or if they don’t (as weight is only taken every other week!), they still do a check of the overall babies healths...movements and breathing, etc and their positioning in my body.

Today, as per usual for most of the pregnancy... both of their heads are down, they are comfortably nooked together in me... perfect special formation, that is hardly causing me discomfort.

To him, this nurse... i am medically uninteresting.

There’s not enough to do with me... i am smooth sailing along...

Now, to just obediently follow along with their safest precautionary recommendations, in how to deliver these babies...(IV, constant monitoring, epidural, deliver lying on back, pitocin, emergency c-section possible)... so nothing bad or risky can even happen... then i will be the most ideal of patients in their nice organized, figure-based, practice... Where they hardly talk to me about what is REALLY going on, how the pregnancy REALLY is going. How i REALLY am preparing for this labour and delivery...

NONE of that is asked of me. I am there, to get scanned, weighed, blood-pressured and generally assessed.

And now that time is ticking, and i am soon to be considered PAST due... then perhaps i will start to become a bit more ‘medically interesting’ for them. Then there is more risk for them to work with... Then it becomes interesting.

What is being forgotten when i walk into all those offices, far too often... is how naturally, I AM AMAZING right now... my body, is phenomenal. It is NATURALLY spectacular, what it is doing.

And i and WE should all be having COMPLETE faith in its abilities NUMBER ONE. Instead of taking ALL precautions that it WILL malfunction... We should start with TRUSTING it.

I am... i have been all along... and it has been truly smooth and perfect.

To them, the hospital, full of all the latest technology and wisdoms, with the ultrasounds and nurse and doctors... i am medically uninteresting... i am to healthy... i am too connected and flowing with this pregnancy.

And me wanting to approach it naturally... actually makes it more complex for them... NOW we are starting to get ‘interesting’... because NOW i am being more risky.

To me, i am not. To me, i am TRUSTING first, letting nature continue along its path that it has done SO perfectly beautifully well thus far.

37 + 4 days now.... (there’s a number for you!).... i am far along... i am healthily ready to deliver, but it also would be healthy to have em in for another couple weeks even now... and i bet you, by the end of a couple weeks, they would MOST LIKELY have come out on their own.

Pregnancy is like that... it ACTUALLY works PERFECTLY well. There are exceptions... but they are few and far between... and THAT is the beauty of today.

We have the drugs and the knowledge with how to process and solve the exceptions, where nature took a different course... which it does sometimes.

I am realistic about that.

‘Medically interesting’ to this quirky nice nurse (and the establishment he is working for and IN) means drama and complications and risk and fear. To him and them, my present pregnancy state is ‘medically uninteresting’. I am just too darn healthy. Natural i say... and connected intricately and thoroughly, with the NATURAL amazing process. Feeling the sensations... expansions... gurgles and movements and breathing with them... and touching them... holding those spots that at first glance- seem to be ‘pain’... but once i slow down, stop... become present with them... they subside, calm... and just are sensations... for me to BE with.

It was funny when he said that, we all sort of laughed... i get it... i am not giving them much to work with, everything is well J

It’s funnier though, how they have just lost sight of how PERFECT so much of it IS... how AMAZING my body is, and all these other womyn’s bodies ARE... that we have grown these babies inside our bodies for this many weeks... none of us CONSCIOUSLY doing it, but taken in my nature, by mother earth... as she truly works her TRUTH magic within us.

These nurses and doctors, are good intentioned people. And they have a ton of knowledge about what to do, with ALL kinds of complications, for this sacred natural process, that does sometimes take turns for OUR psychic worst. No one wants any of the babies to die, or the mothers... this happens in nature, let’s be REAL about this.

But what happened that we forgot to TRUST that it usually doesn't happen. And that every womyn, and every pregnancy, although they follow general processes... there are many factors that not every womyn experiences... and we each spend time in the phases in different ways. I may lose weight, my babies gain, one faster then another, etc

With pregnancy, there truly is NO ONE cookie cutter experience.

But it is amazing every time... and the MOST important quality that doctors and midwives and the elders and womyn and sisters who have done it before, who have birthed... who are guiding us along on this sacred pregnancy and birthing path... NEED to be rooted and centred on... in passing on to us pregnant womyn... is that NATURE is TRULY leading the way... and we need to TRUST the process, believe and KNOW that it is taking us along, and it will do it’s best. Those babies hearts are beating BECAUSE it’s process is AMAZING.

So to this kind nurse, in this over-sanitized and SCARED hospital setting may jokingly, but truthfully say i am ‘medically uninteresting’...

I am so thankful i am so healthy, and so truly confident and full of belief that MY body, which has ALWAYS been governed... created and ALIVE with it’s beautiful mysterious spark of LIFE... It is Naturally Amazing.