broken hearted...

i am broken hearted...

and i chose it.

i chose to get into relationship, and i chose to end it.

but i feel myself creeping back into the feelings from before...

even though i know i am not supposed to.

because i said i wanted to break up.

but my heart still hurts... and i am surprised it feels this way.

i thought it would be simpler, especially since 'i chose'

but choices are confusing when they are through love...

confusing...

unclear...

strong yearning emotional nooks inside me.

he doesn't understand... that if he only expressed love more openly, more lovingly...

if he only wanted to have a family... share life into the future...

i feel depleted...

a bit lost...

im not quite sure how to do it again...

is this it?

being my wounded self.

We walk around... all the time with wounds... or at least the memories and influences of times where we were once wounded... bruised, hurt...

``I would like to think they have been overcome somehow... worked through, processed healthily... HEALED... made whole.

Whole... wounded... then healed... Whole.

Wounded-ness, and BEING with it, living our lives carrying our stories of our lives... feels like it can ONLY be just this.

Wounded-ness sounds painful... i guess it is... a wound in some way carries it with the sensation of pain, hurted-ness... but if i have it anyways... if i have lived my life, in the exact way i have... and wounds have occured in and amongst the beautiful sacred moments, relationships, interactions, lessons of life... i may as well BE me... and ME, includes wounded-ness.

Healed Woundedness.

Scar tissue on the body feels different... it is more sensitive... different in colour. in texture. in sensitivities to perhaps temperature, or textures against it.  It does look different from my original birthed physical and somewhat uniform layer of skin that cloaks by soul-ed being...

But that scar tissue is healed... it once was an open wound, bloody, throbbing, painful... i nurtured it back to closure... gave it many nurturing natural remedies... took conscious care of that wound... so that it would close... but i could never forget now that it happened... it is there, as a scar now...on my body... reminding me of the wound that was once there.

It is the same idea... with wounds that occur in my soul body, my emotional body... my spiritual body... my non-physical elemental body that makes up me... that i think of when i think of ME.

I am not my body.... not ONLY my body.

i have these thoughts... feelings...blissful moments of life....

more then my body... more then my physical body.... with my physical wounds...

i am but a human... with a soul... that is not explained with logic... it cannot explain the spark that became the LIFE of ME...

that switching on of life... when IT began... ME...

i have lived... we all live... until we die.

and in our lives... things happen... life happens....

SO many stories happen.

beautiful, sad, happy, touching, sacred, breathtaking, simple, light... fun....

hard, complex, difficult....'heart-breaking'... challenging, puzzling.... breathtaking- i can't breathe it hurts so much-breathtaking....

these stories, these experiences of life leave their mark on us, within us... sometimes wounds.

A teacher of mine reminded me of the benefits of the 'therapeutic use of self'... which to me simply means, being a human with another human... both of us FULL of life's stories that have shaped each of us... our wounds can be present... and as we intersect, and i come in service, as a ThanaDoula (one who serves the living, whom are also the dying)... ME, being me... wounds and all... I use my WHOLE self to offer some kinda of therapeutic support... to my fellow being.

Another actively dying woman i am ThanaDoula-ing made a comment about woundedness... as if it were a bad thing that 'all these people working in a hospice (to be support to those were dying) were wounded themselves'... i understand how it is hard to be with people who are FRESHLY and openly wounded... but i reflected and thought... well aren't we all at some stage ALWAYS healing a wound? don't we all have this element of wounded-ness within us?

Isn't the birthing process based upon a wound... the baby leaving the mother's womb... cutting the umbilical cord... That leaves a wound, the first wound to us... and we heal it... we grew with that cord... and then we heal from it's wounded separation... and grow from that wound... it is the only way for us to grow into individual living beings.

We must be real and human number one... we must walk and live with the TRUTH that we are beings with wounded-ness... Even within our professional scopes, our 'normal'-ness...

We are these real 'wounded' and LIVED people, we come from them, we are them... we cannot separate our selves from our selves, our lives.

We bring those in to the moments with other people. This is valuable lesson material ..

if we choose to let ourselves heal...

but we cannot ignore wounds when they happen... we cannot pretend like they are not there... they are likely to get infected...

we need to clean then... maintain that healthy clean healing process... so we can let it seal itself again.

i am a living human being...

just being my wounded self.

that means YOU can be too.

aren't we all human beings?

body succumbed to natures cycles.

as the cycles get closer...

birth to death...

the time in between.

the experiences...

raw, true, intense, powerful.

a young woman, twins in her belly... feeling their kicks, and contractions.

an older man, losing all ability his body, no longer able to walk, shake hands, or talk as he used to.

body succumbed to natures cycles.

recurring waves...

The recurring waves...

coming... going...

right up on the beach...

lifting up the bits of leaves, shells and sticks..

 I tiptoe jump to avoid going under :)

     with my toes...

the sound- the beautiful sound...

deep undercurrent base...

and the light... breaking... waves

     coming nearer...

     then sizzling out.

The wind is on my face...

reminding me to take deep breathes in...

and revel in the beautiful sensation

     the wind on my face...

and sunshine...

     oh wow...

that sneaky little diva sunshine...

making my smile widen to it's fullest- on my face.

     SO BEAUTIFUL- my heart screams inside of me...

I am so thankful for it.

It glows so bright...


Then the clouds come in... like an elder, and say, 'calm down now...'

'yes, i know... but... :)... I'm so excited!!!',  I imagine the sun feels.

I feel like that sometimes too.

And so the sky becomes grey, and thick with clouds... lighter where the sun is resting.


Black birds adding depth and distraction to the dense sky.

The trees lining the water- almost all naked of their leaves... down to their raw skeletons.

So we can see what they really look like.

Their shapes much different without all those colours and textures.


And the sand that i sit upon... Right here in front of my face...

Sand- that is a culmination of it all.

     Time, story, elements...

     the cycles we call life and death...

     And the whole entire planet Earth.

     And the One Universe.


I am simply thankful.  grateful.

     Appreciative, honoured, humbled.

As i sit here, on this beach,

I offer myself.

_______________________


I SAT IN THIS ROOTED, CENTRED, HARMONIUS POSITION...

 I CHANTED A MANTRA, THAT FLOWED OUT OF ME NATURALLY...

Om, Tryambukum, Yajamahe, Sukandim Pushti Vardanam

Oorvah-rukah Mivah bandanum

Mrityor, mukshiya ma meer-taat, Om

JUST ONE FULL VERSE, THE FULLEST EXPRESSION...

IN THE LAST MOMENT, THAT LAST 'OM'...

I FELT A DROP ON MY FACE.

I SMILED... OPENED MY EYES... AND SAW THE DROPS VIBRATING AND RADIATING ON THE WATER...

THE RAIN GAVE ME THE REMINDER THAT ALL THAT WE HUMANS DO, WE CAN SEE IN NATURE, GIVING US SPACE TO BE... TO CRY LIKE THE RAIN, GET EXCITED LIKE THE SUN... FLOW LIKE THE WATER... SIT STILL LIKE THE EARTH...AND MOVE LIKE THE WIND.

IT CONTINUED TO RAIN THE REST OF THE DAY...

THOSE MOMENTS... COMING AND GOING...


I FELT THAT SINGLE DROP...

AND THEN I CRIED ONE MORE...

tears of release...

i cry...

i cried.

a lot...

i was with my lover, whom i love sincerely and deeply,

i do.

we were sharing love...

i had been feeling the tears coming for days.


i love when i feel so emotional, i love the feeling that something touches me so deeply that i overflow,

like a cup... filled up to the tip top...

and a tear spills over.

this is common for me... to feel one tear come out.

that always makes me smile, thankful for my ability to feel, and express it, in release.

one tear, drips out... releasing.


i had been feeling a deeper need to release though... for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.

time, stories, feelings, pains, hurts, emotions... friends, love, life...

all of this i feel...

and i work much of it out, through my healing and personal care-taking releases...

but it accumulates too.


I am a human, and i do what i can to take care, and be open simultaneously.

i hear many stories from my fellow creatures, and some of it is really heavy, and pain-full.

the deep thoughts, inside feelings... i intend to be able to reflect those back to people i spend time with... so they can take care of themselves too.


we all have feelings deep inside...


some so exquisitely beautiful... sacred, awe-inspiring, breathtaking...

those moments when that one tear drops...

because it is so beautiful.

that moment.

that vision, sensation... we feel.


some so deeply sad... why?

why, we ask.

why is this truth SO.

it hurts... i feel it.

it can be how we harm the earth.

and know we are doing it.

it can be harming another.

and know we are doing it.


it can be losing a baby, inside us...

and know we have to wait for nature to take it's course...


it can be someone dying.... dead.

and needing to deal with ALL of that.


and it can be the feeling of being alone...

just alone...

no one who understands... who we can talk to about it.


so we come to the ground, we come to the bottom...

to the roots.

where we can lay, and let the earth envelope us...

let her draw out what we need to release.


i share love.

as much as possible.


i was with my lover, and i felt all these sensations.... within me...

' for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.'

it was beautiful...

and then the tears started...

and they came...

and he held me...

he held me tight... and i felt like i could just release it all...

completely overflowed...


like the rain coming down....

just falling, and falling... and falling...

breathing heavy... sniffling, and crying, and breathing...

i felt safe to release...

in love.


i really give thanks.


as time goes on, i have one-tear-cries perhaps daily....

i am regularly touched so fully that a tear overflows....


rarely, like this.

to cry so deeply, so thoroughly...

is only handful a year.


A practice that i want to finish this writing expression with, is a lesson i have integrated from Buddhism.

A Dedication of it's Merit.

When something meaningful and virtuous such as this true experience of goodness occurs, you dedicate it onwards... towards the betterment of others.

For me to release, it feels as though space has opened up to continue along... doing what i do.

And so I step away from myself for these final moments...

and I dedicate the beautiful sacred merit of this Truth towards the magical perfection of the earth lifeforce.

Pachamama.

And ALL her sacred creatures within.

re-embracing her Beautiful Harmonious Perfection.

lost.

there are people in all areas of my life
warning me... don't get lost,
stay focused... what are you
doing? where are you going...
stay focused...

but i always get lost again.

grieving the disconnect...

im mourning... i am grieving...

my disconnection from my blood family...

as i connect with my own personal blood.

what irony...

we are closer to that which we are the most intimate with.

my blood brother, father... my blood....

i hurt when i realize the connection i yearn for is not there... there is a gap...

but i still love them so much, i care so much... but i am at a loss of what to do.. how to deal with their pain, and my pain...

i feel like i am mourning... just sad.

of how we all are hurting... alone... like a creature bug, who has fallen over, and cannot get back up.

this is my dad... and i see it in myself... i know i just lay there... saying i have faith, trust in 'it' to guide me... the flow...

i think sometimes it is an excuse... like my dad.

to not be more directed in my life... more active.

he is isolated right now... he won't even say anything... as we all sit in our spaces, alone...

but, he doesn't even have full mobility... a stolen vehicle...isolates his limited physical-ly able body.

and i yearn for love in my life... for family, for connection... i yearn for it in a different city to my blood family...  yet while i am here in my city, i yearn for nature... yearning for something that is just not present.

alone... ish. i have love in my life, a man who nurtures a lot of my loving needs... i have a community-ish... of familiar faces, that often makes me smile, feel comfortable...

but yet in a city, just 2 hours away... sits my dad, in my childhood home... now disheveled, dust-covered.... fallen apart... wall paper peeling... abandoned laundry machines sit beside the same garbage bin from 30 years past.

and here i am... in my life here... wondering what i am doing...

especially when i am needed elsewhere...

but even though i am needed, will my help be accepted? and the pain will arise... from my lifetime... and stir it all up again... and im scared.

i am scared of more pain... and sorrow... i feel it so strongly just living here in this modern day.... separated from nature... yearning for it's truth...

i don't want to go back... i want to go back.

but i guess, i have no choice.

but.... i remind myself...

i do...

choose your own adventure...

you are already in the book...

keep it open...

and trust...

and turn the pages...

and breathe with them...

and remember your feelings, and remember your roots....

and remember truth... know it is true... and real...

remember to center yourself in your feelings... your pains, and frustrations, and confusions...

all that pain, sorrow... grieving the disconnect...

slowly... do not look at the time.

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

that i see,

when i look down, awaitedly...

at the toilet paper...

my period blood is less then 24 hours late...

in fact, it is a totally 'normal' amount of time, it is just under 29 days this time...

but normally for ME, it is around 27- 28 days... or so it has been consistently.

before i saw this subtle shade of orange... smoothly shining on that toilet paper...

i wondered... what if...

i wondered if all those times, in the past month... where i longed, YEARNED, for a baby...

did they come true.

i wondered...

i wonder and wish they did not, exactly...

i wonder if perhaps even though i wish for it to be true...

if i would follow through with the baby...

everyone who i know in my life... what would they do, react with...

and other friends... who would chastise me... because i knew, and wanted.... and then aborted?

looking down upon my 'ir-responsible-ness'...

is it irresponsible to want to fulfill my biological destiny?

is it wrong for me to completely FEEL my instinctual power of the earth take over...

release into the destiny of life...

is not this how and why we were ALL born???

and if i were to decide.... that the pressure of all around me... this world, society, culture... that maybe i could not handle it after all... because this just NOT is a culture... that supports the biological perfection and mysterious beauty of mama... pachamama....

it does not support and encourage to follow that this is NATURAL...

but i want to...

and sometimes... i completely and ab-soul-utely surrender to it... to the goddess-ness.... of natural-ness...

and i wonder, will... and WHEN will it happen... that i feel that natural cycle begin to complete itself within me...

and i pray for it often.... making me cry...

because i want it so bad...

but in the meantime...

since i know i i live here, in this world and culture... that reminds me of what i do not have... that i 'need' to have... to 'raise' a baby...

i am sad, because i know... i have everything...

i have been waiting...

the last almost 24 hours... wondering.... is it all happening... is now the time... not able to leave the house this morning... i need to be with myself as i await...

and here now...

that beautiful subtle creamy shade of orange appears....

and i know, the flow is about to come...

and i give thanks...

for not yet bringing a baby...

and for this cycle...

ending....

continuing again.

Where i come from...

Where i come from... is a place that kills and harms a lot... globally...

Where i come from... has power over the whole world.

Where i come from... is urban, and Babylon... and concrete jungle...

It is consumption, and shopping...

and development, and demolition...

it is traffic and traffic lights...

it is advertisements and brainwashing...


Where i want to SAY i come from... and where i know i sincerely DO come from...

is the earth.

the grass... the sun, the water.

the plants, the flower...

the soil, the clay...

the rainbows and rivers and butterflies and dragonflies and cats + owls + trees...


I come from all of that and SO much more.

I come from the Universe... from Pachamama, from the Creator, from Gaia...

i come from life, i go towards death.

I wish that, Where i come from... did not hurt all others... from Where I come from too.


Where do you come fromÉ

Shifting gears...

What does it mean to shift gears?

To adjust, to meet the needs of the present, to adjust for what is coming ahead... up, or down... to go down, or up, an incline...

It means being realistic, of where you are at right now... and what you can handle.

It means assessing, and shifting accordingly... I am shifting gears now... moving into the next phase... I guess in some places, I will slow it down... because I just will not be able to handle it all... if I don’t.

I may have to get off, and walk some of it... slow it down... because I cannot handle doing it, on my bike. I cannot go as fast, use this technology... Use certain knowledge’s, wisdoms...

I have to accept, that this is different... I will have to adjust.

Working... changing your lifestyle... demands you re-evaluate, be realistic... and shift gears, shift flow, shift movement... accordingly. And humbly, and honestly.

Slow it down, make it easier to process.

Get off the bike when I just cannot do it... but at the same time... think ahead, see what is coming ahead... and shift into lower gear, in advance.

 Take care, and be strong... stand up at those moments when you need that fuller strength... brace yourself... get ready to breathe deeper... before you are in the moment.

 So staying fit, and active... practicing your whole-istic health-y-ness, as you enter into the next and ongoing chapters... of life.

Shifting gears...