this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

that i see,

when i look down, awaitedly...

at the toilet paper...

my period blood is less then 24 hours late...

in fact, it is a totally 'normal' amount of time, it is just under 29 days this time...

but normally for ME, it is around 27- 28 days... or so it has been consistently.

before i saw this subtle shade of orange... smoothly shining on that toilet paper...

i wondered... what if...

i wondered if all those times, in the past month... where i longed, YEARNED, for a baby...

did they come true.

i wondered...

i wonder and wish they did not, exactly...

i wonder if perhaps even though i wish for it to be true...

if i would follow through with the baby...

everyone who i know in my life... what would they do, react with...

and other friends... who would chastise me... because i knew, and wanted.... and then aborted?

looking down upon my 'ir-responsible-ness'...

is it irresponsible to want to fulfill my biological destiny?

is it wrong for me to completely FEEL my instinctual power of the earth take over...

release into the destiny of life...

is not this how and why we were ALL born???

and if i were to decide.... that the pressure of all around me... this world, society, culture... that maybe i could not handle it after all... because this just NOT is a culture... that supports the biological perfection and mysterious beauty of mama... pachamama....

it does not support and encourage to follow that this is NATURAL...

but i want to...

and sometimes... i completely and ab-soul-utely surrender to it... to the goddess-ness.... of natural-ness...

and i wonder, will... and WHEN will it happen... that i feel that natural cycle begin to complete itself within me...

and i pray for it often.... making me cry...

because i want it so bad...

but in the meantime...

since i know i i live here, in this world and culture... that reminds me of what i do not have... that i 'need' to have... to 'raise' a baby...

i am sad, because i know... i have everything...

i have been waiting...

the last almost 24 hours... wondering.... is it all happening... is now the time... not able to leave the house this morning... i need to be with myself as i await...

and here now...

that beautiful subtle creamy shade of orange appears....

and i know, the flow is about to come...

and i give thanks...

for not yet bringing a baby...

and for this cycle...

ending....

continuing again.