disconnection in connection...

i am guilty of the crime of mis-connection, dis-communication, modern technological nurturing of relationships...

i use facebook and e-mails and blogs to express how i feel, to connect my thoughts and beliefs and emotions and expressions to those outside my immediate being....

we do not have full conversations now, we just post a picture or a you tube video about our present state, and that we expect others will see and read on our wall on facebook, and understand... but maybe they do not see it, maybe they do not understand, maybe i did not SAY anything to them...

they did not hear me, they did not understand me, they did not listen and truly feel me... and when you shorten and simplify the deeper beautiful thoughts and emotions that come out through our forms of communication, we are also leaving short the fullness of the feelings behind those shallow short-formed versions....

we start and end relationships through these spheres, we check eachother out no longer in the bars, or via dates.... but through our myspace pages, our blogs, and if our relationship develops, even our facebook pages where eventually we may even come out and change our status to 'in a relationship', where then everybody who are 'shared friends' then discuss how so-and-so's status has changed, they are no longer single!!!

but then, when they break-up, and it is 'officially over' (this time.... again...), the status is then changed to single... this is how we know, a quick press of the button, and relationship, OVER!

these quick fixes, these save-able and delete-able proofs that relationships are now based on. Couples now draw on these stored and saved beautiful and horrible moments of exchange for future use in fights, in gossiping with friends, 'look at what he wrote, can you believe it? What do you think he meant? this..... or maybe this... i cannot tell, it could go either way...'

exactly, and we play now, we have become very clever with our words, and how we use them, so as to not offend, so as to not give the wrong impression, so as to not get stuck on the record, in trace-able proof that- yes, in fact that was said. But wait, how much are we shaping, framing, editing our words, our feelings, our thoughts... how much are we leaving out, how much are we adding in, just so we make sure that our ideally-perceived point gets across?

Do we even know how to have the conversations we claim to have online in real life? At some point in time, our exchanges through modern technology's use of communication becomes unplugged, and we need to carry on those relationships into real life... where we cannot hide behind our words, where we do not have spell check, and those numerous moments to rethink/regret, 'is that really what i want her to understand'? those moments when we move away from the camera, spruce up ourselves, so we 'look better', or delete that sentence, or word, so you don't give the wrong idea?

How about instead you make sure you are giving the right idea, the full complete honest idea? i am wondering, can you do it also in person.. Without any of that… can you do it?

can you not hide behind that screen, that keyboard, your profile, text message, blog updates and say it like it is? and also feel it like it is, and be comfortable with feeling and expressing those feelings 'out loud', actually laughing that laugh out loud?

can you go a day without updating your profile, without obsessively checking your bits of machinery for missed calls, messages, comments, updates.... you're checking so often that i have a feeling that you are missing the real calls, messages, updates.... lessons... of life... of real shared air-breathing, thus life-sustaining moments with another human being...

those things that we see and experience with our nature-given senses, originally placed in our bodies to use, to survive, off of and with the land... we cannot smell what we describe, read, hear, see on the Internet, we cannot feel it...

you can imagine, but you are not truly experiencing and using your senses, you are using your mind... we spend so much of our time on our machinery... that we have lost the ability to fully take in all the sensual, real, complete life experiences... we can get our quick fix easily... we do not yearn anymore for those real life processes, when we know we can avoid the difficult transitions, and aspects of real-time interactions, and efforts, and risks, and comforts… we can just send an e-mail, a fax, a voicemail, a text message, a post or a comment instead!

you want to feel loved, feel appreciated... you feel a bit down, lonely, horny, flirtatious, sad, angry.... just send someone a message somehow, you don't need to say all that you really are feeling, in fact you can completely change it, and express something else completely, put on a front, no one will ever know.... until they see you, in person, in real time... then they will know...

and when they do respond, and you receive a message expressing an emotion that seems to complement or nurture that which you sent to them... you feel better. You received your quick emotional fix, and you can send more and more and more... and receive more and more and more... who needs real life when all of your emotional needs can be received with the 'ting' of an animated bell, ‘message‘!

do you remember, or can you imagine the time, when we, as human species were only able to have deep emotional connections with our fellow human beings, because we were only connecting in real time, face-to-face... where we saw, we felt, we supported the true-ness of our beings? Where we could only develop and nurture so many friendships and relationships at a time, do you remember? Do you remember when we lived off the lan, truly shared and cared with and for the earth that sustained us….. Yes, i remember.

Friendships require time and patience and equal effort... our energy, our life... our emotions and our hearts and soul... when they lack in those, then, what kind of friendship are you claiming here, and would you want to sell yourselves short? How many friends on your profile, on your phonebook, on your friends list are your friends? How many do you see frequently, listen to their lives... as oppose to just reading about it, on a news feed, on their blog, when the truth is, they were not sitting there telling you, they were sitting in front of a screen expressing their thoughts through their fingertips... like i am now... this is not real...

if you asked me to do this in person, i could, slightly.. but it would not come out as clean, as concise... i will come back here to this piece many times and edit it, re-order it, change the words, use the thesaurus, choose the right word, i will reconsider typing in 'horny', i will mull over in my head if my writing will be accessible to many people, i want many people to be able to read this and take-away from this... and they will, if they read it, if they read my blog, if they want to stay in touch with me via my blog... i am sorry i cannot stay in touch with you in person,i am sorry that our relationship has come to this... but i thank you for still drawing on your emotions somewhere to read... i am not sure what your intention is in reading this, but i can tell you, this definitely is not our most natural way that we can possibly connect.

in fact, we now carry on relationships alone, from the 'comfort of our own home', alone.... but wait, doesn't a relationship involve 2 people? how is it that i can physically, be alone, but mentally, spiritually be connected to someone? I mean without the ‘assistance’ of modern technology as a medium?

and yet our methods of communication are consuming our lives, from the checking of the phone to our blog to our facebook to our e-mail to our display pic to our new photo album to our posting to our link to our CC, to our reply, to our aaahhhhh.... and we're addicted! How many people do you know who cannot leave home without their phone, who cannot truly be disconnected? How do you feel when you lose your phone? your blackberry? When your internet is down, or when your computer is sick, and god forbid needs to be sent back to the manufacturer? what will you do? how will u stay in touch? you will lose connection to the outside world....

now you will have to go deal with this... in the real world....

where people talk to people, to their faces... where you cannot hide behind the screen, and those consciously chosen, edited and reformulated sentences...

it is an epidemic, and children are born into it, they have learned the meanings of ‘connection‘ and about relationships in the land of modern technology… when their mom and their dad and their friends are staring at a screens all day long, that they have forgotten what it means and feels like to look into their child's eyes... and then their eyes get neglected…

no more do we use our eyes to look at each other, but to look at a glowing screen...

i am fortunate to have been able to live years of my life without a cell phone, without a laptop, growing up, born in 1983, we only had phone lines, landlines, one in the house, and if you wanted to see a friend, you called them, if the phone line was free, as we all shared, obviously... or you walked over to them to visit..

When you would have a fight- you had them in person, face-to-face…honest and real…

Then you would go home, mull them over, and you would have no choice but to face them in person.... no snooping to see what their updates and posts are, to see what they are and are not saying, who they are talking to, who they are adding as friends... you deal with it in person...

i don't want to have shallow conversations with people i really care about, i really like this idea of staying in touch, but i know, that i am not truly being a good friend to all those that are labelled my 'friend' in internet-land... in the land of modern technology... in the matrix we live our lives through.

Thus this is why I confess, I AM guilty of miscommunication, of disconnection, and i feel it, and we all do, but we cannot escape it... because this is how we communicate now…

So, keep in touch…

However life allows it….

In real-connection…

Au natural

i can't do it...

all i can do right now is write, and talk, and read and think...

think about reality... and reality is, the earth is shaking and people are dying, so many people are dying in haiti at this very moment...

honestly, what the fuck is happening in this world...

and we all have our different perspectives.... we all have an idea as to what reality is... what it consists of, what our day-to-day is...

what we aspire to be, what we aspire to acquire.... what we see of the future... i can't do it like that...

i have a really hard time right now not thinking about what i can do... how exactly can i make the biggest change, how can i just give and give and take care and fill the gap in between the have, and the have- nots....

it's not right, it is not... it is absolutely NOT...

and i'm not doing it... this is my promise to my life... to our collective lives...

and i give thanks to the mother earth for giving me this life... and for giving me the opportunity to share and support with others...

so pay attention everyone, there's no more room to pretend like what is happening in this world ISN'T happening... it is... open your eyes.... and do what is RIGHT...

positive vibration.

as we stood in front of the legislative building in queens park toronto, i am thankful we were holding our hands in unity, i am thankful.... i felt the ground tremble.... we were gathered there for the same reasons... for the ground trembling in Haiti... although here it is our modern subway system that trembles, there, their lack of modernity is what killed so many... buried under the rubble of their badly-constructed buildings.... what else can they do? there's no money to support their buildings...

and now they are gone, their buildings, and them.... the people...

haven't their people been hurt enough?

we heard the sounds of the sirens.... emergency... yeah, it is an emergency, the world is shaking... it is shaking and people are dying... can you see the connection, between the earth, and the humans all over... we are all connected, we are part of the same earth, and they share the same colour blood... its an emergency, and even if they could ship my blood over there, it wouldn't be enough... so many are already dead...

i would give my blood if i could... i would give of myself... they have lost entire families... they have lost limbs and homes and well... eachother...

and here we are.... surrounded by these big buildings, in the centre of toronto... holding hands, coming together in memory, in recognition of my fellow human beings, my fellow earth brothers and sisters... who are on a different part of this earth, and who are experiencing a completely different reality at this very moment in time....

and so we come together, and we put our energy out to them...we send our hearts, and our souls, and we give thanks for all that we have...

they are gathered together in Haiti, in prayer... in faith....

it is our responsibility as humans to support them, with our faith...

if you struggle, i struggle.... when i am strong, you receive my strength...

we are equals... and we are connected....

by this earth... that trembles...

she is shaking, and we need to listen...

we need to take care of what is natural, and recognize the earths power, as well as her delicate state...

we are all connected...

i have surrendered to the earths reminder...

the fragility of life... the importance of being conscious of eachother...

my brothers and sisters of the earth have felt her power...

and i will not be oblivious to that.

i will be conscious.

and i will be thankful for all that i have, and share with those who need.

the earth is quaking...

How many people died in that earthquake in Haiti, how many exactly, we really do not know... We can guess, but how many lives were honestly affected?

It is amazing, not that there was an earthquake, although we must also recognize that as an amazing holy experience…. The entire earth rumbled… beneath our modernity….

This is the world telling us something….

It is not just Haitians, it is all of us….

We are all part of this earth….

We need to pay attention…

Pay attention to recognize how fragile life is….

It is beautiful….

an urban miracle...

do you understand what just happened here? i don't...
it is an urban miracle...

i had just babysat 5 year old amazing Emma- went to the library and read books and laughed and were just so silly...

after spending time with her lovely family, i left feeling so happy, blessed to have them, and people like them in my journey to a simple life...

i stopped at the store that was still open, luckily... i wanted to make a kale salad, my body craving some good green veggie-ness...

i waited for the owner to grab some from the back, and it wasn't lookin so nice, so i apologized, and accepted that i'd get some tomorrow instead...

i came back outside, my unlocked bike still there- but wait.... the bag inside my basket was lookin different...

my pouch that is ALWAYS around my waist, but not this time... this time i left it in my bag... and it was gone...

thank god my beloved Tibetan singing bowl, bought in India and blessed with water from the holy goddess river the ganga, it was still there.

but my pouch... tucked inside my hat, gone.

after moments of shock, and disbelief, then moments of acceptance, well, i guess i had no choice but to keep movin’ on, that’s how life flows.... so i continued walking...down the street, with my bike... alone in the empty streets of Kensington Market... my hood... thinking over what i am now missing, dwelling a bit over my 'losses', largely my emotional attachment to those things.

How ironic i just made a little bit of money babysitting, only to lose a significant amount more moments later...

and my recently Sunday afternoon acquired $110 bicycle fine, for riding the ‘wrong’ direction on the one-way commonly jaywalked and danced upon Augusta street in Kensington market... also gone...

i turn the corner, eyes open.... and wait... in that nooked building’s entryway i see my hat, and box of copycat tic-tacs... strewn on the ground! i look around, and check to see if i can enter, its open so i walk up the stairs only to realize that c’mon… i can't really start knocking on these doors, what are the realistic chances that the thief lives here?

so i leave again, carry on... feeling somewhat happy to know that, well... i guess I’m on the same path this thief character was on... plus i got my hat back, feeling a little less violated, more calm... no choice but to accept….

i do remember looking out the window while in the veggie store, seeing a man walk by... i couldn't see his hands... was it him?

i can't believe this happened, this has never happened to me before, i guess i should've known better, obviously...

but i live here, i know this neighborhood, completely.

i know it can be dodgy... but i still trust it.

what are the chances someone will actually steal from you?

well, lesson received, that sucks.

i keep walking, at least i have a warm home to go home to, its getting cold out here, and lets be honest, anyone who is stealing, is in some sort of tough state in their life, and with the cold elements of this powerful earth, that state becomes more difficult….

it is the 6th night of Chanukah today, my candles are set up at home on my tomato-tin- can-turned-menorah, ready to be lit and have these blessed moments of prayer i am thankful to take... for me, and for those who i can also pray for...

and low and behold, there, on the synagogue grounds in front of me, is my pouch, thank the gods... for real i guess…

WOW, i am so thankful to get it back, i love it for the memories it contains, of months of time spent in India, praying, being humbled, being thankful....what a blessing to have it back!

as i look inside, i realize... that nothing is even gone... there are bits and pieces of mine scattered around close by... but as i compile them, i realize that it is all there....

they didn't take my bank or visa cards, or my beautiful tibetan silk money purse reminiscent of monumental life lessons learned from my friends, Buddhist monks from Burma, it is infused also with memories of prayer and sunset meditation in the monastery where i once shared space with the dalai llama...

they didn't even take the $100 i gratefully received two days earlier for my birthday....

it was ALL there....

how did this happen?

why didn't they take anything? i mean...like, at least take it.... why did you not take the money???

I sat down, I could not believe it, what just happened here…. I needed to take these moments to just be…. and breathe… in amazement…

i am so blessed... i am on social assistance right now, i had just babysat this lovely girl whom i love, to keep me afloat. And that money in my pouch was a birthday gift from people who are truly like my family.

Why did they not take the money, why did they not take anything?

I am totally confused, and completely blessed.

It proves how blessed i am, i am so thankful, i am so humbled.

it taught me and reminded me not so much to be more careful, to be more skeptical, or fearful of others, although lessons were learned... but more so, i learned that having faith, and being so thankful and really feeling your blessings is so important in this life.

wow, i am still completely in shock.

I don't understand what just happened here...

but it did.

An urban miracle…

the box of consciousness....

would you like to enter the box of consciousness?

it takes on many different forms, in all realms of consciousness...

we are so caught up with ourselves.... what we think, how we feel, what we need and want..... i wonder how we can enter such a box....

what happens when you truly take the attention of life OFF of you? what happens when you stop thinking about you... when you look around.... what happens when you look outside your box... ?

which 'box' are you in right now?... your home? are you sitting in your job, your workplace? are you in your favorite coffeshop? the bookstore? restaurant? gym?...

step outside of it... physically and conceptually.... consciously...

what is happening out there? Who is out there? what is happening with the people? can you for a moment imagine their lives? can you empathize with them... feel what they are feeling?...

step out of your box...

how does it feel out of your favourite boxes? is the weather different, a temperature change perhaps... is it more humid, hotter, cooler?

you can really sensually feel the environment and the beautiful range of elements when you are out of those controlled and monitored boxes... out of those comfortable boxes we were raised to feel comfortable in.... can you feel the change?

can you feel it.... taste it... let the newness, the difference, enter your body....touch your senses.... experience what it really feels like outisde of your box... inside your being.....

now take this sensual state you are in.... enjoy it, pay attention to how deep the experience is when you are consciously present in it... and now enter the outer boxes....

do you see the differences between your box and the boxes next door, behind you, or a block away from you? do you see the differences with those 'boxes' our fellow human beings exist in that exist only a long or short plane ride away from you?

there are a range of little boxes we all live in in this great big wide world...

so how can we possibly think about our OWN boxes all the time??

how do we get so caught up in 'maintaining' our boxes? spend so much time and energy and LIFE making sure that our 'boxes' meet certain 'standards'... i ask you, who forms and shapes and decides and dictates these standards of maintenance of my different 'boxes'?

and our bodies box... and why do we place so much importance on our physical box, what colour skin and hair we have, what we look like... physically? are we truly more happy, satisfied....succesful, when we are focused on our boxes?

we care so much about our own 'boxes', and what others think about them... we say we do it for us... 'for ME'... but it certainly appears that we do it so we can feel comfortable in our own given boxes. When others like our boxes, or respect, envy, even fear our boxes... then we feel good about our box... as long as it is 'my' box, and it is safe, and it is mine.... i'm gonna love up my box... i'm gonna take care of it... make it look nice, so others like it....

well you know what?

if you stay so boxed up in your own constructed and customized little boxes, jumping from one of your boxes to the next, like little leapfrog pathways... if you do not look inside to the other range of boxes in this city, this country, this earth... this life.... then you are not seeing the tangible goodness inherent in all that is natural... and beyond the physical contructs we have created....

many our boxes are full and overflowing... they are in excess, we are living in excess... we have too many boxes to choose from, and they are all full...

we don't know where to store all of them, to dispose of them.... they are polluting mother earth... they are overflowing that we do not see how we fit in.. we feel like there are no boxes for us to call our own sometimes, yet the truth is... they are just full... of stuff, of things... of ideas... of ourselves....

we are overwhelmed now... they are all growing so fast, yet we need them, all of them... we rely on these boxes... they are what shelter us, they are what give our lives structure and shape... but because we are moving so fast, without conscious recognition.... we are colliding and crashing into eachother and we are getting angry.....

wheeew..... deep breath... and again....

i know it feels nice inside our boxes... but if you do not step outside your soft protected and comfortably cushioned boxes....

and FEEL what is happening outside... feel the cool emptiness of the concrete structures of those other boxes.... feel the simple kind warmth being exuded by that very inviting box... hear and feel the pain and hardships of those who do not even have the luxury of any sort of protective box, let alone a warm, nicely manicured 'box'...

if you do not consciously choose to feel the other boxes... then you are living in a restrictive boxed-in box of a life... you are missing flowing in the fluidity of existence that cannot be formed into a box... the realities of existence, are not always pleasing, positive, 'beautiful'.... but they are real, and they are part of the flow.... of reality... outside of the realms of a box... higher concepts of consciousness....

there are beings trapped in their box, maybe they are being held captive, figuratively, and also scarily, physically....

maybe there is no way out of their life... their collection of boxes... they are stuck, and cannot get out, or do not know how to get out... or are scared to get out...

maybe they were born into that box...

breathe again... maybe a moment to be thankful... for all that you have....

...

can you see out of your boxes?
would you like to look out?
do you honestly and consciously want to?

the only person you are answering to, honestly.... is you...

will you look out more?

go for a little journey- see, feel, experience completely, with alllll of your senses... what happens outside of your boxes?

we have lost the ability to connect them, to figure how to piece them together... it is a jigsaw puzzle with too many pieces, and we are losing the ability, maybe even the interest to piece it all together... to connect our range of boxes.... we do not even see how we connect... yet all of our boxes, our wide range of boxes came from the same earth, the same universe... and all of us, inside and outside of these existing boxes have the same basic needs that need to be met in order to live...

just enjoy your box.... everything about it.... find the goodness... in all of your boxes... everything to do with them... if you are reading this, you have the ability to at least start there... and then move on to those boxes that exist in our collective existence....

we all have to be thankful first and foremost for the life that our boxes exist within, and without...

even if that box exists inside your head... in their head....

it is this box that directs the needs, the wants, the feelings... of our existence in all those boxes we exist in....

so step outside that box, don't let it be a box that restricts you, but one to grow out of, and connect to so many other ranges of boxes existing.... let your box grow and expand with consciousness..... together our boxes have a synergy far greater than our single little energetic boxes.... grow out of your box and become part of that greater box of possibility.... it is what lays outside those boxes....

so step around words, qualities, ideas, concepts, beliefs, philosophies... these boxes of ego and attachment... that we let define us.... shape us... direct us...

step into the other boxes around you... look into other boxes... look into the essence of what makes their box just as much a part of their life as yours seems real to your boxes... empathize, connect-ualize... realize.

and if you can, help out where you can with others... some of our boxes need a little repair sometimes, a little perky addition... some colour, a smile, some charity, some clairty... simply more patience, compassion... kindness...

because when you OPEN up your box, and look in, and help out, and share your boxes with others... you will see the discrepancy between and amongst them... maybe you will reflect on the quality, the goodness of yours, and also of their boxes... because you are open, they are open... to eachother, and to life... open...

and then YOU, and YOUR 'issues', and YOUR 'boxes'... will turn into US, and OUR 'issues', in OUR collective boxes.....

and we will be able to share in the beauty and reality of all the boxes we can possibly imagine sharing in.... and they will do the same... WE will...

peace and namaste....

Room for RANT!

Why is it so difficult to find a room to rent in Toronto? For all of you comfortably inhabiting a home and thus are not up-to-date with the present housing-search situation, let me enlighten you! The procedures one must endure to find a room are not so simple. There are documents needed, appointments scheduled, references expected and specific personality traits required. There is a lovely little website called 'Craigslist' where people with rooms available (and a plethora of other categories they wish to find connections with) will post between 200 and 300 ads daily describing their home’s ‘vibe’ and bits and pieces that they are looking for in a tenant. If captivated, you e-mail them back expressing whatever you need to express. Hopefully they respond, and you schedule a meeting and viewing, but maybe they are just not into you from the get-go… I’m sorry!
On arrival, you are not-so-pleasantly surprised to find numerous other people in the same home at the same time looking at the same room, all with the 'same-same-but-different' vibe that you have. All of a sudden you realize that even with your lovely kind personality and honest ways, even YOU are interchangeable, replaceable, and disposable; just as all ‘things’ are in this consumerist-oriented society! Reality is, if you make one understandably nervous remark, or if you have a socially- labeled 'flaw', such as being on welfare/social assistance, or unemployed, there are 3 more people behind/beside/in front of you... and they can easily be the one to 'fill the room'.
Since I happen to be a woman with a beautiful heart, an eccentrically earthy style, a naturally bald head, and also in a monetarily disadvantaged state- certain stereotypes are invited to form regarding my ‘character’. These traits dictate social values on a macro social- scale; and in this micro home environment, they are seemingly amplified. Friends suggest I tone it down, take off my various adornments so I ‘don’t intimidate them!’ I wonder, should I actually lower my standards, demand and expect less, maybe conform more to fit in; so I don’t disturb, and scare those fragile and sensitive 'normal' tenant seekers? You know, I could attempt to do that, but let’s be honest here, I have a really hard time turning on the ‘normal’ switch, and I do not agree with these restrictive ideals humans are judged on. Plus, simply and truly, I want to be me, as I am, in my home!
I want to live in an environment that fulfills this deepest definition of a 'home', where the heart is, right? A place where people talk and cook together, share in and CARE about each other. This could be the new beginning, my new habitat; so I let my mind and feelings wander exploring the goodness and possibilities of this new potential home and family-mates, so when it happens that- SHUT DOWN - you are rejected… it hurts your heart. So what to do then… I need to sleep! Throughout this lovely grey day, many more ads will be posted. So for now, I go back to my friends, who will house me regardless of my life situation, and who look into my being, into my heart, and know that ‘normalcy’ is all an illusion anyways… and who wants to live with that?

Hair-Raising, organically…

In an insightful documentary 'Good Hair', Chris Rock hair-raises about Black Women’s complex hair obsessions. Women of all cultures and backgrounds share similar rituals using much energy, money, chemicals, time…actually, life. I would like to expand our shared consciousness in understanding hair norms, making room for the natural exceptions. Shortly after my mother died as a young child, all my hair fell out. The medical profession likes to label this marvel as Alopecia; I label it as me, a naturally bald diva! It regrew once for a few years, then fell out again. I have felt the pressure to conform, had my heart and feelings hurt; been stereotyped, and segregated. I have lived through significant life stages without hair, thus hair is fundamental in shaping me to be the open conscious being I am today. We humans are comforted by what we recognize as normal; anything that differs evokes curiosity, intimidation and often fears. My mysteriously uncategorize-able head-style is just as natural as the hair that grows beautifully on most human beings’ heads, or doesn’t… simple.

The pressure to conform to ‘white standards’ adds to the already huge list of struggles that darker-than-white human beings live with, standards that are by no means innate, but set by fashion and ‘beauty’ industries to follow, believe; absorb and adopt. There is an entire multi-billion industry thriving, capitalizing on and benefiting from the exploitative situation women live through in attempt to reach these unreachable and ever-changing ideals. We need to recognize that we allow and choose to let these ‘normalized’ standards direct the way we approach each other and ourselves. Reality is, in India, poor and wealthy women alike humbly offer their hair, their most ‘prized possession’ to gods in complete faith and egoless-ness. This same hair is sold for sums of money inconceivable to the average rural Indian, and weaved right into the roots of women’s hair on the other side of the world. How unnatural (and sad!) that that Diva believes she is more beautiful with her hair harshly- chemically ‘relaxed’, or with spiritually-infused hair weaved into her own head; though the symbolism of this intimate connection is beautiful! What earth’s women do share is the bizarre reality that hair is treasured as ‘beauty’, which in this world also comes with a value.

This movie ‘exposes’ the secrets behind Black Women’s beauty, leaving them in a vulnerable position for all to see and judge. I remember when I was losing my hair for the second time, my white scalp was exposed by the rain water weighing down my carefully constructed, bald-spot covering hair-style. I felt like I had to hide; everyone would see the truth! Black Women with ‘altered’ hair run from this same rain with the same fear of being exposed. Now that Chris Rock has publicly exposed these realities, this can be a chance to break free of these physically-altering, restrictive rituals that are costly, extremely ‘high-maintenance’, and destructive to our beings, and planet, on a much deeper than scalp, skin and surface level. What is truly normal and beautiful is that which occurs naturally; varying just like the exquisite diversity of humanity does. My solution is to flow with and simply surrender to what we naturally are… no restrictions, standards, or expectations… just us, beautiful… naturally. I do.

children...

people i love to hang out with SO much are the young kids... the babies, but young kids who can express their feeligs out loud... their logic, their perspectives on life.... their simplicity....

their philosophies, concepts, perspectives.... on everything.... and on nothing...

you can talk complete 'jibberish' with them.... use your imagination....play with their imaginations.... be creative.... and see the world from that perspective.... simplicity... beauty, laughter...play.....

they express their loves, their lives...their truth and honesty and genuine selves all the time... they haven't learned yet how to mask those things...

how to control them...

what to know, what to label, what to classify, to quantify.....

and so they just are....

their beautiful selves....

there are many people i find that are so often discriminated against.... and these things in which they are scrutinized for, are really their most beautiful features... as whatever that feature is....is the part that becomes their strongest.... they are sensitive to what goes deeper as it is highlighted all the time....

children say those things quite simply, with no underlying feelings or thoughts.... they 'state the obvious'....

doesn't it only make sense to 'state the obvious'..... because people are taught to not always do that....

watch yourself..... when are you not being completely honest..... to other people.... to yourself.....

and real....

and just being comfortable in the real...

its nice to be you, and see everyone as everyone.... as they are....

and to be honest....everyone is so beautiful, as they are all a bit different, but completely the same all at the same time....

and i think we need to see others like this, with this philosophy....

so pay attention to those beautiful babies.....

they have a lot to teach us...

and we have be careful with how and what we teach them....

right now they love you if you love them....

India Adventure- August 2, 2009 - I am in Valencia, Spain...playing...

hello everyone...

i have to finish all that happened when i was in India,...

i know!!

but for now, im short forming it.... i am in spain, in valencia...

after leaving india, june 29, i went to london for a day, went to the buckingham palace, ha ha, saw the changing of the guards, and i saw the westminister abbey.... i just walked around all day, in such a COMPLETELY different world then what i was completely immersed in (and am SO thankful for) for 7.5 months.... then i headed to the airport to sleep, as the next morning i had a flight to Italy, to Milan... and then would head over, find my way to Rototam, the best ever festival.... most amazing festival i have ever experienced..... i arrived july 1- the day before it began.....

i was coming with no tent, fresh off the plane from india, henna-d up, READY FOR REGGAE!!! and let me tell you... it was amazing... i would love to go into the details, but i will say that out of 11 nights of sleep there, i danced right through 6 of them until sunrise the next morning.... and i ended up on stage with one of my favourite artists, the one i once sent many of you a link to.... michael franti.... an amazing human being.... rototom was so so so amazing.... my family there were from spain...i met these lovely human beings on the train-venture towards the festival, and i ended up sleeping under their tent and shelter and in it the whole time.... with crazy rain storms and all.... it was a team effort, and they made me feel so at home.... at those rare times when i was there.... often i came back to crash.... ha ha...

afterwords, i went with some lovely lovely friends from madrid, lucia and ana.... we hitch-hiked to venezia where we walked around, and slept in some little plant filled street....

afterwords, i took a train all the way down to sicily... and to be honest i hardly saw it, but i ended up meeting an older palestinian man, and he introduced me to his neighbours who were 3 young sicilian lovely guys, whom i stayed with for a couple days! they cooked me sicilian pasta and rice.... we hung out.... i needed to recover from rototam, and they became my family for a few days.... then i went up to pescara, on the sea, and i hung out with a friend from Tanzania i met at rototam, i slept in a tent beside the ocean for a few days.... it was lovely to just relax on the beach.... drink a lot of coffee...well cappucinos.... amazing....

then i hitch-hiked all the way to rome, with so much lovely assistance from human beings..... there are many faces, and many names i cannot remember who helped me along this way, with directions, or food, or driving.... i caught the longest ride with angelo.... a 60 year old man from roma, he had a big motor on his truck to deliver... and he picked me up, and then took me out after for the BEST spaghetti, and steak (weird, i am eating meat again.... when in rome, do as the romans do ya know??).. . and amazing wine and sparkling water, which i love.... and tiramisu and then cafe... wow..... amazing meal.... clearly, every bit was amazing...

but after the wine... well..... angelo became a bit bizarre, so he took me to the train station, and i slept there on the floor for the night..... and then i did the next night also..... it was fairly safe on the main floor, as there are people cleaning and stuff all night, but there was a moment the first night when i awoke to a fairly stinky man lying almost nooked into my body, ha ha.... i lost the desire pretty quickly to sleep at that point.... so i had a nap the next day in a beautiful garden as i wandered rome...

while there i saw the colloseum, the pantheon, the popes 'hangouts'....st pietros cathedral, and the vatican... i wandered and saw all the sites, and the plazas and ate amazing gelatos, and just existed in shnazzy rome, while i was sleeping in the train station... it was actually so great my whole situation in italy..... i did not pay to sleep the whole time.... and for much of it i hitchiked or was graced with friendly human beings along the way.....

then i left rome.... i was almost late for my flight, for no logical reason at all, in fact i stopped for a coffee at the airport, and this pushed the timing a bit more... so much so that my bag was not put on the flight, and when i arrived in spain, i had to wait 2 days for my bag.... and they took my beloved swiss army knife.....

but, i arrived in barcelona, spain that same night, obviously slept in the airport..... woke up the next morning, and found a train ticket to go to valencia... borrowed a flamenco- dancing-woman's phone to call claire and say.... ím on my way....

when i got off the train, claire was there waiting, along with mo.... a lovely man from mali i met a few years ago when i came to visit claire here in Valencia, and have a lot of love for... and maybe a future with too... eeeek.... i met claire many years ago when i was away on university exchange in Adelaide, Australia....it is her roots, and i respected her right from the beginning....and now she is married to a man from Argentina, Flavio- he is a capoeira master, and a funny random man, and together, the two of them are a lovely duo of humanity.... conscious, caring, logical, and free-spirited... all at the same time...so much respect!

so that brings me to almost now.... now, its been a just under 2 weeks that i have been here.... going to the beach almost every day.... claires house is like 5 minutes away, and her house they have squatted, meaning they do not pay rent, but it is a lovely home.... and i even have my own room while i am here.... which is lovely... spending lots of time with mo... meeting many friends and seeing capoeira.... and sometimes just chillin, contemplating options for the future.....

and i have the intention to leave here, early september, to come home, pee my pants in excitement to be home and see all my family and kensingon drum community... EEEEK.... then clean myself up, get myself in order, and GET A JOB!!!! this is really important, im maxed out.... so honestly.... i am putting the call out to anyone who can help me!! i have a university degree in sociology and womens studies, and i would love to work in some sort of community/social/activist organization maybe with recent immigrant human beings, women.... empowering, organizing, moving lives forward.... this is the more grand wish, but even intially upon arrival in canada, i could also work in a restaurant or something on a smaller, less professional scale.... SO, if anything comes up, please think of me, and pass on my contact into, or pass it on to me.... by mid-september i will be back in toronto!!!!

and i am so happy to see all of your very very lovely faces!!!!!!!!!!!! and also will be a bit in shock to realize that this trip has come full circle... and i am returning to my roots again..... i feel it now... but with such difference, and with such different outlooks and possibilities for the future.. but eager to use all this energy again for the betterment of others... i believe in this, so i move towards this....

in the meantime, i have started to blog it.... yep, people told me of this, and well, i am a bit slow with technology, but i am in!! i have posted some of my beginning India e-mails, and a couple recent wrtiings from recent times.... and i will put more bits and pieces there as well... feel free to spread the consciousness around.... through my writing, and even moreso with your own voices and hearts and lives.... http://mycuriosityofbalanceindifference.blogspot.com/

i love you!!!!!

love sunni lady

p.s. the 2 pics...one was recently sent to me from my trek to the himalayas with my burmese monk friends, and my canadian brother wade.... the second is from the train en route to rototam reggae festival!!!!!!