The messages we receive... (Written October 10, 2010)

Something happened today that was indescribable.

My friends son was shot in the head and killed 6 days ago... I have spent the bulk of my waking hours at her home and community ever since then...

I’m not even going to attempt to describe what this has been like...

I am at a loss for words clearly... not because i do not have any, but that none of them can adequately describe the feelings... what has been felt is so deep in sorrow... in rage and sadness and shock...


I saw a pigeon today... lying face down... bowing in prayer it looked like... in the direction towards Sultan... or towards his ‘shrine’ as we’ve been calling it... that has grown with flowers and candles... it is where he died... where his head fell to the mama earth... and the blood flowed back to her...

I saw it and i thought ‘how beautiful’... the bird so grounded, almost in prayer offering itself to him... me too, i as well... i die and bow before you...

I thought how beautiful...

It was on the path... between the main gathering area, and the shrine... right in the middle... for all to see...

A kind healing man picked her up, this little bird... i guess to move her away.... seems a bit silly now... was it the death, was it too much of people to face? I dunno... but he picked it up with his bare hands to move it... when we noticed the stick in it...there was a stick in it’s mouth... it was a stick held by the beak... when i looked at it i saw a picture that was right out of an image in my head from the bible... from Noah’s ark... a dove with an olive branch... symbolic of peace... and so many other inspiring feelings....

How did this happen? I cannot believe it...i held it too... i felt it, held it softly... its soft comfortable body... curled into itself, holding a stick in its beak... how did this happen?


I waited for the right moment to sneak my sister Mama away to share with her this little being.

After some talking, i realise she did not see it like me... ‘this was evidence- someone has planted it here’... with a message... not the kind of message i thought.
That was hard to imagine... but i guess i was convinced of otherwise... it’s hard to imagine because i have a really hard time still actually wrapping my head around the fact that someone can consciously kill Sultan... that one can consciously shoot, and end another LIFE... this place was the place Sultan transitioned from the living into the dying....

So maybe this bird was left here on purpose, as some sort of message... a woman said she heard screaming the night before... someone screaming into the night ‘I’m sorry sultan’... it could have been the human who killed him... because there was someone who did that... another fellow human living soul... what happened to them...

What brought them to that point... how do they feel now... how are they sleeping, eating...speaking.... breathing, waking up and dressing themselves... looking in the mirror... after they shot someone in the head... killing him... looking, aiming, pulling the trigger to BANG.....and he fell.... there. In that spot he died. I am so sorry.... Sultan... why’d u end up there.... you shouldn’t have made those choices... you didn’t need to... for real....

We carried on the rest of the evening there at the parkette... some people brought drums.... some extremely righteous folk... and another one whom i have a hard time just accepting his presence... because although a really good drummer, who was probably mourning a loss too, also a human being... he had bought off of Sultan too likely... maybe even that day... he was part of it...

But... that’s another story.... about morals and ethics and hypocrisy and honesty and practicing what you PREACH.... on acting on your words and speaking and also BEING truths... about walking differently and choosing different paths... about ownership over your actions, about being REAL.

We drummed and came together... i danced and i dedicated to Sultan... we all did... to each other and community and life... and i think death too... because it is a reality that was right there.

Once at home again, at my sister Mamas house, a home that has been shared with so many of us... for so many years... sitting around, talking, smoking, drinking, eating, breathing, being, crying, chillin'... the bird came up...

First one person then a second person said they saw it die... WHAT?

The pigeon bird fell out of the tree, just like that... it fell... it fell out, landed on the ground with a thump.

It seemed to still be alive... as minutes later, it was still moving its head... but sort of groggy like they said... looking around a bit... but grounded.
It died there.

But when it died... it had its wings tucked in... and it curled its head under, into itself.

And when we picked it up later, it had a stick in its beak.

It must have picked it up into its beak as it curled.


I don’t know what this means... i don’t know what the message is.

I do not know how to explain this... and maybe you think it’s nothing.

Maybe it’s just a ‘fluke’; a coincidence... birds, just like humans die. Sometime they die because something happens and they fall out of a tree and die.

Sometimes.

But it all happened when we gathered...

It fell out; it died... it died facing Sultan, bowing its head curled right under in prayer...

It lay down between us, and Sultan... so we were supposed to see...

We were supposed to see...

And we picked it up...if we didn’t pick it up, we wouldn’t have seen...

The symbol of peace...

The bird with a stick in its mouth...

Normally flying, but this one died in peace.

Just like Sultan...

Here, held by the mama earth...

I am not exactly sure what message we received... but we did.

And i have faith in things that we cannot understand... the beautiful mysteries in life...


I guess death teaches us that.

Rest in peace Sultan...