isolation... thought moments where I am AGAINST it (not reflective of ALL moments)

 I really wonder at this point, how beneficial isolation is for folks, in the WHOLE-istic sense.

I know for my own father, HIS choice. He was willing to take risk to have us come visit, we were too.

FOr a humyn to be isolated for 9 months, and then many end up dying ANYWAYS, isn't is a better choice to just BE with humyns, rather than be totally ISOLATED?

I UNDERSTAND one of the main 'arguments' for isolation, is to relieve the health care system, so that IT can manage the negative effects/deadly-cases of COVID, taking care of it's ability to support all folks who need medical care. I get that.

I BELIEVE COVID is a real thing. I am not anti- or pro-mask.

I am not scared. I do not have tons of people in my intimate life that are 'vulnerable', so I do not need to be as scared. I went PPE and absolutely see the NEED for PPE, when at work, when entering a hospice, or when speaking to Volunteers I work with, who are sharing time and space with very vulnerable palliate clients that we care for, as an Organization.

I see the role of PPE, I believe COVID is real. It's a time where one NEEDS to say their standpoints on this. This is the MOST important box/label we are placing on folks now. We need to find out their 'positioning' on COVID/distancing, etc.

What I notice is happening though, there are so many levels of DIVIDE simultaneously occurring within culture, within communities. within families, organizations. Especially virtually (or that's where I am seeing it more in my world, because I am a 'user' of social media, mores in these times.

Also, the ISOLATION, and the fear that is actually quite quickly MOVING us to be significantly MORE isolated.  That brings me MUCH sadness, it's actually MORE dangerous than COVID, I feel. This is a place where I know many folks would at this point STOP LISTENING, stop being able to hear another out... assume that I am not taking it seriously, I'm a conspiracy theorist, I am a Qanon person, etc etc.

I am not.

I am a humyn. I have friends who have businesses that are floundering. Meanwhile, the mall just across the bridge from us with Walmart and winners inside is BOOMING. Line-ups/INCOME galore! Is that fair- NO! IF THE argument is to minimize stores open, to minimize cross contamination/spread, it is NOT HAPPENING in the big box stores. Spread will occur there, and on the TTC bus system. Shutting all the little shops down, while big-box remains open, is slaughtering small businesses.

Isolating all the individuals, with the aim to protect the most vulnerable, is DAMAGING the mental health for all the majority of non-vulnerable people. A choice not all are willing to make at this point. And they're not DUMB for making that decision.

In Palliative care, I have learned and KNOW that ones WHOLE quality of life, is important. How QUALITY is one's life, if they are ALONE? Some folks seem to think that is ok. I truly question how on EARTH we can think it is.

I do not choose absolute isolation. 

The quality of my life, my children's life- outweighs the risk of us getting COVID. 

Isolation is DANGEROUS. It has been too long. 

My heart HURTS for all the elderly/vulnerable people- already living a challenged chapter of life/existence, and now, completely ALONE.

Reflection on this BLOG title....12+ years old now!

my curiosity

of balance

in difference

...

difference- is all things that differ, that are different....

does there always need to be a balance. CAN there?

difference, and the way we even COMPREHEND or desire a concept like BALANCE..... is SO relative....

i USED to be way better at being 'curious'... the curious non-judgemental mind, more open, and just curious... with opinions, but less being attached to them...

now, as a Mom, or at the/my present expression of Sunni, in this chapter of life...

my judgements are what guide me.... way too much. judgements, ideas.... i am not as able to be open to other ways of being.

i've gotten more rigid 'in my ways'. is it motherhood that's done this? is it my relationship and life we have developed over this time?

I am certainly more attached to my PAST as well, when i was more curious, when i was more free.... i was free in every way....

including being free and open with my beliefs, and my open-ness to DIFFERENCE.

there's something about 'aging', or 'mothering' or perhaps once again- the life that i am living NOW, where i am WAY less curious, and trusting of life's flow... and WAY more rigid, and anal and strict.

sigh....

but some peopel don't intend for Blaance, or even BELIEVE in it. They believe that included in Balance, is imbalance. They believe other humyns are inferior to them... or somehow ignore that their actions may VIOLATE basic rights of other humyns... exloit them as 'labour', exploit their 'land' their homeland, the earth they are connected with, generations and lives back.... humyns being killed exponentially faster, and more commonly, and consistently.... and at the hands of those with power.... ALWAYS.

This is such a hard system to live within, and depend upon.... hard MENTALLY.

and I TOO find myself way less curious these years...

altough im not racist/sexist/any of those overt awful intolerances- my CURIOSITY to anything BUT my own anti-racist/etc/etc belief system, i am way less tolerant of. Not curious, definitely intolerant.

this blog title, is what i used to aspire to be, and i guess STILL IS what i aspire to be.... calmly openly beautiuflly CURIOUS. knowing there ideally HAS GOT to be a balance in ALL THE DIVERSE difference in this whole world....

but is there?

in this present time of SUPER-challenge... COVID 19 sweeping across the world.... multiple murders of black humyns by COPS, racist fucking assholes, etc.... how on earth am i supposed to be peacefully calmly curious....of the balance in this awful expression of how we as humyns are balancing difference...??

we are not.

i am not.

but you know what, I am a humyn. it's hard. i am working with what i am IMMERSED and LIVING in and WITH, and WITHOUT.

ya win some, ya lose some... that's the way the cookie crumbles...

AND, don't ever fucking stop using your voice when it's right to do so. (mental note)

and your body, and your mind, and your heart, and your prayers, and your best....even if the best is not as it once was....

we can always INTEND for better. and hope and BELIEVE that better will follow...

insha'allah, ashe. with goddess pachamama to support the true good.

the queen of cups says so. mid-night WRITING session reflection.

every time i bleed, i am reminded I AM RAW WOMBYN

i wake up abruptly, blood!

i feel the blood, leaked out of my pad, onto the bed

up fast, pull up sheet, look to see if it went below base layer... pull off bloody sheets

look at clothes, nope- just pad.

Maybe i should have a shower.... yes. middle of the night, no kids awake- TIME AND SPACE, felt so sleepy going to sleep, and felt stinky dirty....rinse off bloody everything, have shower. FRESH....

before i fell asleep, PRE-blood flow leaking party for one, i pulled tarot cards. before tarot cards, my wonderful friend, boss of many years, womyn who drove me in labour to the hospital, 5 years ago plus one day....she called and reminded me to do something special, new moon, release, intend, ritualize it, make meaning.

i had lit a great beeswax candle (we had bought in our last hang together pre- COVID), and i pulled tarot cards. i'd say, this tarot process is a very personal, individual and unique process, each time. I chose one, it was one that really represents turmoil/conflict, within and around the person, 5 of Wands. I have pulled it another recent-ish time. I feel it's true.... i've got a couple levels of conflict/disagreement/mis-communication-allignment in my life. In my very sleepy state (i had almost forced myself to do 'something' to honour this 'new moon', i do not do enough spiritual anything these days/years, and since She had called, i needed to 'follow up' at least, she planted the seed. So i decided to pull again, with the thought that was in my head.....with all this conflict i keep feeling... what's the key? It was 'Queen of Cups'.

I used to pull that card repeatedly, like, i would not pull a card/any cards, for months, and i'd shuffle shuffle shuffle, pull the Queen of Cups. Repeatedly i pulled it, and the more i learned of her, i also learned that i quite identified to it/with it/her, i am quite similar to her qualities.  Within a period of life i did, So much so, that i was once gifted a LARGE card version of her, that was then placed on a wall of pictures and hold scriptures that i occasionallylook to, when I am looking IN.

But very recently, like within the last couple weeks/month, i covered it over.... with some writings from Dalai Lama, a piece of writing i really like that i picked up when i was IN india, and saw him in his monestary...

Because i hadn't seen the queen of cups before, i thought perhaps that i have moved on, she was an expression of 'that' time in my life, and i have moved on... i am no longer like her, she is of the past...

but today again she appeared, to say she is the 'key'- my words.

i have to do some deep reflection. i feel tears there, beneath the surface...of my brain. It is always so hard for me to let them out...the way i deal with my emotions, most certainly is part of my problem right now....

i think if the queen of cups can teach me anything right now... is that regardless of if i deal with emotions, healthily or not enough expression/working with them and their RAINBOW of anger/joy/SAD/love, or NOT at all, i believe, THEY EXIST, and they exist INTENSELY in her.

and they exist intensely in me, and i need to be able to feel and express them all, and i am NOT.

and that is the KEY to being able to work healthily with the conflict in my life and self right now.

the queen of cups says so.

parting wisdom nuggets:

• good job following my FLOW, and taking the moments to reflect, and WRITE. here was the moment, helped and guided by pachamama bloodflow womyn time Nature. WRITE.
• pay attention to ALL the signs, listen to them, pay attention to friends, good friends, and what they say and KNOW of you.
• Queen of cups- is actually still very much a part of you. you can't cover her up, she needs to be included in your guiding principles. what that means is- all those qualities that are said of her, that are in me... i cannot cover up, they are the key to me WORKING, moreso, LIVING with the challenges i am living with right now.... all the sense of conflict and anger and frustration.... in and around me in my life.... 3 levels- SELF, partnership, mothering my children and guiding them in their conflict

I uncovered the queen of cups, i put down my red sarong that for years has been my companion in travel and bloodflow.

SHe is me, I am her. I am my her-story. It is lovely and awesome. i have done so much, it is so profound. it needs to come with me, every day and moment. I have travelled in the world, i have paid attention. i need those lessons with me side-by-side. my mom is NOT here. but i am. and my friends are, and my guides are. but i HAVE to pay attention to them, or else i will not properly see the signs and wisdom that they can empart... that they have taught me. SPIRIT guides, FRIEND guides....

roots raw NATURE guiding me... in every moment/action/behaviour...in the middle of the night, blood flow, cleansing, writing, releasing....feeling, need to feel and release more.... but here i am....

NOW.... resting...<3 p="">

CoronaVirus Reality IS CRAZY.

i have been trying really hard to NOT be scared, or freaking out....

But to be honest, i think i now am OFFICIALLY in some level of shock, and disbelief!

today is march 12, they announced they're shutting down schools for 3 weeks- THAT'S CRAZY.

i just looked at a website showing maps of how far it has reached, and KILLED. THAT'S CRAZY.

I haven't gonne down the rabbithole too much, and i don't want to... of 'what could happen to me, and my kids'. THAT'S CRAZY.

all ontario public schools. ALL of ITALY. ALL air travel in and out of MANY countries. cancellations left right and centre of EVERYTHING.

it's shocking, it's crazy.

...

March 13th

Nothing has ever happened like this before.... major city everything shut down.... major province, country, COUNTRIES, WORLD.... GLOBAL.

I really am shocked.... and i'm surpised i am. but it's crazy.....

schools done, FOR 3 WEEKS. no libraries, no museum, no science centre, no activities of any kind....

im imagining there will be food.... but will it all buckle down in a week. it's talked about like march break, plus 2 weeks... are those 2 weeks really going to tigten  up for everyone? starting with families, and major arteries and supports for ground level humans.... who have nowhere else to go.... nothing to do....we're all feeling trapped....i am.... i probably need to go to sleep, to wake up with fresh energy.... this is fucking stressful... it takes it's toll.... wow.

i am thankful i got to do yoga today....and now the community ecntre will be closed.... i give thanks for that....

but 3 weeks.... 23 days with us all contained in our home..

i am nervous....

Emily's House: death, dying, and the care that's needed.

everyone who dies deserved to be taken care of till the end, and beyond.

it's humyn decency.

there's a lot of suffering that occurs in the dying process, sometimes.

we use lots of medication these years/this developed/priveledged culture, to appease this suffering. it often works, though there are periods of time when the medication is not quite figured out, and they feel the pain.

i remember seeing someone in pain when i did a placement at a palliative care unit at a hospital, they were in pain and suffering, and there was no one there with them by their side through this. it was hard to listen to/see, but I was compelled to, and had to sit with them for a period of time, because honestly, it's right to do so.

do good, do not do bad, keep your mind clean.... the hardest lessons i ever learned, and will forever struggle with in practicing their true full meaning. words spoken to me by my first buddhist teachers. buddhist monks from burma/myanmar, living in India.  They befriended me, and took me on beautiful and the most challenging trek up snowy mountains, all the while smiling and laughing.

being with people, being present with them while they are dying, is 'doing good'.

caring for them, actively, as they are actively dying... is very good work.

some days, at my job, where i do mostly administration.... i am truly floored by the good work the clinical staff do. i know that in me being there, i am supporting them. this floors me too- that here i am, and i get to proudly say, i work for a hospice. what a gift.

they care for people, who are dying. Emily's House was designed as a children's hospice. everything about it was designed to support children and their families, who are dying, or are 'living with a life-limiting illness'.

there have been a LOT of deaths there as of late, as they courageously made the decision to accept adult palliative patients, in the midst of COVID.  Kids with life-limiting illnesses- were just staying at home, and dying adults stuck in hospitals were suddenly prohibited from having visitors, and families were prevented from being with their loved one.  EH grew and expanded in a multitude of ways, and opened it's doors to humans across the life span.

In Emily's House, these recently dying folks were now cared for and a loved one able to be with them, and furthermore, it's lovely in EH.  It's peaceful and calm, and surrounded by so much sunlight and blue skies and blooming springtime flowers. It's beautiful.

today was a day i was in awe of the work that's done there, with humility, and genuine human kindness and care.

i am thankful it exists, to support the lucky ones that made it there, to die a more peaceful intimate family-led, and -supported death.

Humyns in Hospice

What goes on in Hospice is reserved for those intimately involved in the care.

Even I, a 'coordinator of volunteer programs and administration' am somewhat at a distance, as I am coordinating and doing administration that is needed to allow all of the AMAZING-ness to happen. Sadly- there's too much paperwork required at this point in our society's existence, and to be honest, i am glad for this to be MY job, so that others can do their beautiful work supporting the humyns utilizing hospice services.

and that's what i am doing. getting paid for it, living off it, raising my kids, as i work for a hospice. BIG blessing.

there's been a couple deaths in the past week. Today was a day that two of them 'intersected', and sort of 'spilled over' into our administration building, that doesn't have all the intensity of the emotions within it on the daily.

It was an honour today to see one of our amazing staff work her humble beautiful magic today...still from a slight distance....but I knew she was doing her 'work'. I was able to support her missions, and i was able to check in and hug her, to make sure she would be 'ok' once her day was over. She had supported both those families who had lost a child, today she did.  I know that even though this is her 'gift' in this lifetime, to hold sacred healing space for folks going through the hardest times of their lives,hands down- it still leaves her with herself at the end of the day, and i just see and KNOW that she needs to take care of herself... because every week/month, there are more beautiful human story experiences that will continue to happen.... this is the nature of hospice, and really, the nature of humyn existence.

SO, many of the days, i am at a computer, writing e-mails and working with hard copy files and databases and forms and checks and lists...

but what i am REALLY a part of, is a beautiful organization that helps families and humans die a much more meaning-FULL-y beautiful and supported death, and it's an honour. 

room for improvement

accountability
owning up
being responsible for one's mistakes

That humyn had gotten into all kinds of patterns... they couldn't help it, it's what happens to humyns (or at least they have to work pretty hard at NOT succumbing to the patterns they were raised with!)

Culture and society and family and social upbringing are strong.

they became a person who had a hard time humbling themselves, since they always were so independent, always had to MAKE decisions for themselves, not having so much familial support.

they had to trust themselves, they had to make the decisions... to go left of right, to do this or that. That was their norm.

some folks spoke with their parents and grandparents. Not this humyn... they trusted themselves, they spoke with different peers.... but generally not wise elders, in which to guide them (not on a daily basis at least)

so they made choices, all folks do whom are alive

sometimes their ways of doing things wasn't always the safest, smartest or the best... incorporating ALL the abilities and mobilities of a possible humyn existence- mind body intellect spirit soul practicalities values

Judgement was not always clear.... discernment in all relationships, and navigating life, and the systems that STRUCTURE life in their society and culture.

sometimes they fought against it... that became their norm

over time, life changed their circumstance... and they had a day, where lots of their patterns became clear, and the 'room for improvement' was really strongly seen/felt/highlighted.

they had no choice. to sink of swim?

to avoid, to shy away from.... or to own up? to be responsible. to sit with the discomfort of it... the shame, the senses of inadequacy.... the sadness, the universal signs really giving them NO WAY OUT. their 'ways' could not be avoided and ignored.

it just is and was as it is and was.

so they had a bad day. then they woke up the next day, and had a good day.

they realized there definitely was room for improvement, and it was up to them to make that judgement call.... to carry on in their patterned ways, or to level-up, and manage those discomforts and unhealthy patterns better.

they chose better :)

accountability
owning up
being responsible for one's mistakes

the plight of a working mother, with sick child(ren)

she is now a working womyn, who has a child who is sick.

What is she to do...

A womyn learns from young, that there are expectations of her, versus her brother.

It's hard to really explain how these expectations exist, as they are so subtle.

Folks would say, parents (in a hetero-relationship), play equal roles in this day and age.

Last time child got sick, kids father called in sick. This next time, Mom calls in sick.

But does the dad feel as the Mom does... that knowing, that she cannot let her child go to school or to their before/after-school program sick weak with a fever, she will ALWAYS be the one, who will have to make an exception. It is the sterotype of a Woman- it is the expectation. It is the 'why she gets paid less than a man', why they hire womyn with no kids...because the expectation and societal Norm, is that Mama has REALLY no choice...

She cannot go to work if her child is sick.

She is on eggshells while at work, knowing something was up with her child, she sees it immediately with a child, when they're 'off'.... she works very hard to get as much work done as she can!!!.

She looks at her phone, nervous when the phone call shows 'private number', thinking- here is that phone call, my baby is sick. I gotta go...

Shit, just as she suspected.

She leaves her very busy morning of getting the kids completely fed and dressed, to their before school family, packed with healthy lunch to nourish her sick children.... then Work, where she worked very hard with her mind and brain... then rushing to get her sick weak child, and healthy sibling (because she cant go back out to pick child up with one sick child alone at home). She carries him home, his body weak, her body weak....

And she tends to their polar opposite energies for the rest of the night... stretched between their energy levels... and depleted by the end....

The experience of being a working class Working Womyn Mama.

She is always navigating the logistics of it all... planning, managing the households food, and activities and movement.

This is the sterotype of Womyn, she can resist these 'roles' much of her life, but... Society pushes her back into that role, once she has kids. Most womyn do....

It is a strong energy, it is her place to do so, no matter how progressive she is, or the agency she works for. She is a womyn, she manages her kids, it's what she does, WELL. She needs to work, and do a good job there, show her abilities and strengths, as an independent humyn (which she never is, once she becomes a Mother)

The pressure is hard, to maintain professionalism, and the soft emotional gentle caring nurturance that children need.  It's tough for her to always maintain good easy going loving energy, when she has to RUSH them out the door and prepare EVERYTHING for them to stay healthy and well-fed and well-clothed every single day.... let alone adding that stress of a sick child. The mystery and uncertainty of what is going to happen to them, with them....

and with HER- what about tomorrow? it is a working day- what will she do? how will she make up the hours.... she only has 5 weekdays of school hours, if she missed a day, the next day she does not have childcare covered. What will she do to make up the hours?

There's not enough hours in the day... she can't be everywhere at once and fast... especially not with a sick child...

She didn't realize the position she would be in when she really wanted to have a working professional job as well. She didn't realize how heavy of a load being a Mom already was.

But still... she chooses to work, to test how much she can handle, afterall.... she is Womyn. She is Amazing, and skilled at so many un-named, un-recognized, AMAZING skills... that only a mother can know, because only motherhood BRINGS them. Skills and abilities and strengths that grow as she grows, as she grows her kids. And because of that, she strives to be better, for better... for her, and her kids.

She is Womb-yn.

Commemoration, of the shootings on the Danforth

It’s interestingly, a grey dreary day… blue sky just peeking through, but dark grey up until recently, with rain drops trickling down here and there…

A year ago a humyn walked down the street where I sit now- the Danforth, and shot a whole bunch of people, as they spent time together, as they do… because it is the kind of place and neighbourhood where the people DO spend time/family/community together, for years.

I just walked by a picture and orchid wreath put up for a young girl, the youngest who was killed- only 10 years old.  I remembered how STRONG my empathy was last year when I heard…

I remember the next night  I walked up the short distance to get here, and immediately started crying once I ran into a familiar face… so full of emotions…at all that it meant for it to have ACTUALLY happened… and, in ‘my’ neighbourhood.

This fountain coffee shop, a place I have been frequenting more so since my kids have been in daycare (and post-shooting), I have really enjoyed sitting here to have morning reflections. It is a central meeting point for folks in the area… the fountain.  I have enjoyed being here because I can see and know that this is where folks have been gathering together for years… the elders of the neighbourhood, the kids… they all come together here.

Last year many people were shot in close proximity to where i sit now, and this became the main commemoration spot.

I just spoke to the barista here at the fountain, and I remarked how it’s going to be a busy day here, with lots of people coming in, with lots of feelings. She said she was in Greece last summer when it happened, I recalled my experience of it… not as ‘rooted’ as her, considering her connection to this community…but we both got goose bumps, so we both are humyns affected.

She said something to me that I am using as my ‘take-away’… something along the lines of… we need to not let his intention live out… as in, us being here, remembering it this year, and every year, such a tragedy… we must not let the person who shot- his feelings and intentions in those awful moments- to grow, and get any bigger than they were. Let not those live on. 

What I understand she was more saying, was what to Focus on- to let the LOVE feelings that are present here, in the families/neighborhood/community live on and grow.  Those poor young ladies who died, totally little people, LITTLE, like my own little people…let the love of them, let the special good vibes of the Danforth live on…of the Greek Community, of folks who have crossed paths for years, and see young folks turn into grown folks, and celebrate together.  Let that live on.

But do not let the BAD overtake, do not let that outshine/overpower.

Tonight there will be a sunset vigil, and I plan to be here:

To Commemorate: to recall and show respect (for someone or something), as Wikipedia says.

To bear witness, to FEEL, in solidarity. And also to make sure I remember to connect the dots to OUTSIDE this neighborhood. We, and this, is all connected to the bigger picture in the world. We are all connected.  It is my humyn responsibility to do so.

SO I will NOT let the shooter’s intention overpower/outshine, but I will also not be naïve to NOT see how we (as humyns) got here. I also will acknowledge what I DO respect of this community, and the goose bump feelings that aligned with another sister, who feels deeply for what happened here…. As do I.

May we all learn to focus more on the LOVE and goodness, than on the awful bad-ness… Or can we at least be part of the energy that SHIFTS us closer to the goodness, as this beautiful, humble and insightful local barista knew.

May this Barista have a good day, may she stay energized, calm, grounded, for this day that will bring to HER many emotions, in the form of folks purchasing snacks and nourishment from her…

AND, she actually will...do you know WHY?  Because although there will be many heavy-emotional folks around her today- she is IN the center of her community- so she simultaneously, she will be supported.

THIS is the remedy and solution to all of life’s heartaches, and this awful occurrence…. Community DOES support and listens, and feels, TOGETHER.

This is the Danforth and it's welcoming community.  ‘Danforth Strong’ for sure.

tend to my garden...

I realized today, as i tended to my ACTUAL garden, like the one in my backyard... that WOW, i certainly have SO MANY gardens to attend to...

and in that moment, my earth-veg garden had been a bit neglected :(

as i spent all weekend PLAYING :) (with my family, which is probably the healthiest best, since i am realizing that i really need/want/value doing the things i like, and find some kind of a way for my kids to like them TOO, and for us to be together LIKING similar things!!!!

but my veg garden is certainly neglected....'i've been so busy'

truth, AND...

i feel  a bit sad i've neglected it.... but/and, i've paid attention to make sure rain-mama-water took care of it/her.... but i let the beginnings of 'weeds' step n a bit too much, and i've left 'gaps' in spots where seeds just didn't grow....

tonight i took care of her, in the full-power sun... after a weekend already in full-power sun... so my burnt skin burnt a little bit more.... as i tended to my vegetable garden...

now in hearing/reading i have burnt skin, that i was letting get increasingly more burnt... you may think, well, that's not tending to your metaphorical garden!

but let me reassure you, this weekend i ALSO did that... a music and dance show with a great friend/my birth doula, then a sour beer patio night watching (my first, and winning game 3 of finals) Raptors game, followed by a FULL day of work, then zooming to be present at Terell's show for kids to see, and then enjoying a great street festival till LATE that night, WITH kids... then today sunday- started off with a drag queen storytime at a brewery, thus having a drink at 11am, and then meandering over to a famrers market to hang out with MORE great family friends and KIDS.....

then home to tend to my garden....after tending to my overall metaphorical garden....

and then taking care of my own physical garden :) my body...

after all that, im pooped, but i've got my co-op work garden to attend to now.... sigh....

it's a busy time tending to gardens :)

i give thanks!!