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water

To Drink the Water (in honour of Indigenous Land Defenders) (Written Jan 8, 2019)

‘They can still drink their water’, this great humble humyn named Beze said. 

Many times as they spoke (and I refer to them as ‘them/they’- as I believe that may be their preferred pronoun, so i say it with respect!), They kept mentioning this fact- that folks in Wet’Suwet’en  can STILL drink their water, from the source, from the ground, safely. 

Beze said this, as an Indigenous Humyn, who revels in that beauty, of living off of one’s original land.

They mentioned this so many times, because they themselves were born and raised in Sarnia, in ‘Chemical Valley’, born in this place, that is alongside/within more than 60 oil refineries and petro-chemical plants, where they absolutely cannot even fathom drinking their local waters, nor even consider swimming in their local streams, or eating from them either. In fact visitors are advised to wear chemical masks or respirators.

This great person named Beze, is so young, yet I have noticed over these recent years, has truly become wise as an elder, a youthful learning one.   

They kept speaking of the water, that they held in their hands in a jar.  This jar of water was water FROM the land in which we were honouring today- in downtown Toronto to MARCH in solidarity with the land defenders in Wet’suwet’en- land that is being infringed upon by developers, for a pipeline, for dirty oil... that should be kept in the land.  This land is being protected by the indigenous people of that land. 

Beautiful land.  Land that folks still DO drink freshwater off of, and eat the animals off of….the land they know, and are integrated with.  They, are of the land, and know it.

The Story of the jar of water is that it ‘ came from Ambrose- a water protector from Unistoten. He brought us water from the land there, during one of our Toxic Tours.’

Toxic Tours are tours that these beautiful siblings Beze and Vanessa lead in their home-town, Sarnia, highlighting all the industries, and the effects that they have had on the land. And the folks living there.  Here they experienced things such as weekly siren testings, in case of chemical leaks- they say that the sirens are irrelevant, as the people living there SMELL in the air when there’s been a leak, they know the effects, they know leaks happen regularly.

There are significantly higher rate of cancer and miscarriages here.

So this water from Unistoten meant a LOT to this person named Beze- it represents a lot…. It represents everything actually.

When one can still drink the water of the land, that means it is clean.  It is alive, and fresh, and clean- absent of anything that can hurt us, clean enough to wash our babies of creation in.  

That means it has not been tainted, by industrialization, by chemical plants, ‘production plants’, pipelines, tailing ponds from the dirty pipelines L.

That means Pachamama earth creation is in balance. And her waters are still clean, and fresh, and healthy.

Beze held that jar, and honoured what was inside.

Beze had been given that water a long time before, and had been holding onto it’s sacred-ness, so that when this time had come- that we all needed to STEP UP, and stand up in its defense, it was there as proof.  Beze had this artifact, GUIDING them presently, as an indigenous person, as a land defender-  as a person of this earth, DEDICATED, to protecting it, in a very beautiful and gentle and humble way, yet also fierce, and TOTALLY clear, as the water they held in their hands.  

They held that water, in clear honour… THIS is what we NEED to hold on to.

Clean water…. Clean earth.  And all the creatures and people and culture and WAYS that are completely integrated with it. ONE….

I was speaking to my children the other day, the first time I consciously spoke of ‘the elements’. Fire, Water, Air/Wind, Earth.

What are we without all of these alive, present, healthy and in balance?  How can we survive without totally valuing their integrity….their integration….OUR being of THEM, them of us?  Ours to take care of, and honour.

How can we NOT? I am teaching my kids about ‘pachamama’, it’s the word/title I like best about the whole earth/creation/universe/god/jah/mama earth concept.  When we do certain things, we are NOT taking care of Pachamama, and some actions more than others are harmful.  ESPECIALLY as we live here in big city Canada. We hardly know our impact.  My kids will NEVER know it, UNLESS, I teach it to them.

For me, going to this Unistoten solidarity march, this January 2019, where we marched through downtown streets, holding signs HONOURING and HIGHLIGHTING this community and land and INDIGENOUS LAND DEFENDERS aka SUPERHEROS, who just live and put their lives ‘on the line’.  Being present  for a couple hours, immersed in the sacred LOUD powerful important meaningful holy honouring listening reflecting absorbing CEREMONY, of marching in solidarity with folks devoted to the land, and their original cultures- it really nourished me to be there and present.   

I am thankful that I was able to be there. Thankful to have been invited in to move around their drum chanting, hold hands with fellow humyns, who care enough to be present.  ThAnkful to have childcare, and/or the physical abilities to WALK the path we walked that day.  And hopeful that my children will grow up caring and feeling similarly to me, about the extreme importance of protecting and caring for the Earth.

I was thankful to smell and be immersed and surrounded by all the beautiful real medicines that indigenous folks honour of the land…. Smelling so much sage and sweetgrass meant so much to me… it just does. I get it…. To smell it in… and know that it is part of the sacred strong ceremony, sending out our wishes INTO the air, over to folks who need to know they are surrounded by folks all around the world, IN SOLIDARITY.

It’s way more than that though.  These Indigenous Folks are just LIVING, and protecting the land.  They do it, because IT IS THEIR LAND, AND, it is ALSO for us ALL to survive. We ALL live off the land, at our basic Humyn-bodied Existences.   

People have come, and just TAKEN it from them.  Like, really… to reflect on just that, the exploitation of land that folks LIVE on, and with, and to just be TAKING that, to have that taken (and their fucking children, etc)…. It is actually the worst that can happen to anyone.  And that exploitation of indigenous people humyns, happens all over the world. And that makes me SO so so sad, and angry. It is JUST not right.

Going to that march re-inspired me, to continue sticking CLOSE to my values, that genuinely value NATURE, and the folks that live with it, consciously.  It reminded me to HONOUR and support these warrior folks, who are devoted to taking care of it, and protecting it.  With humble, kind, CLEAR, clarity.

It is the WATER we protect. For our children, and our children’s children…. And all coming generations.

What kind of a legacy do we want to leave?…. One of exploitation, and harm, and damage?

Or one of care, and honour, head strong in our care for what is RIGHT?

What kind of legacy do I want to leave to my children?

Definitely one that is largely based in, ROOTED, in our root culture and essence… that of the earth and nature and Pachamama.

Where we ALL come from.

Dedication: this piece of writing, FULL of genuine emotions and intentions and honouring, is actually now dedicated to Dave Vasey. A humyn i saw at this march, a humyn i have seen basically for the bulk of my her-story of being more 'active' as an 'activist'. He took his own live, less that 3 weeks after this march. He was a full-time ACTIVE water and land and earth ad humyn defender. He put his life and body on the line, a quantity of times i cannot even fathom, but hundreds of people are attesting to. He loved and valued the beauty of earth, not to objectify it, or exploit it, but to honour it, and its people, and it's creatures. Purely. I am so sorry it became too hard for him to keep going, he lived for 40 years, and i think he was devoted to caring for OTHER for most of that.  I am sad he could not care for himself properly in the process. and i SO honour him, and attribute much of my courage to step INTO healthy positive version of my best self, when i was more actively participating in the valuable and important RESISTANCE again systems that HARM and EXPLOIT each other, and the earth. I attribute much of my CONFIDENCE to STAND UP- to Dave. He showed via HIS own actions, this was a righteous way to live.  Rest in such peace brother. I am so sorry it hurt so much by the end of your life, and we ALL truly love and respect you for all that you did in your lifetime. Thank you.

Zoo Giraffes made me feel...(trip was december 2018, written jan 2019)

Well let's start with a picture of the Toronto Zoo...December 26, 2018, it was SUPER cold. FREEZING outside.

All those animals there, most that we saw, are these AMAZING animals, from jungles and rainforests and tropical locations of the world.... and they are all separated into their own little domes and buildings during winter time here in Canada.

 It sounds like in the summer they are outdoors more, but these winter season days, they stay inside... in these small and very bland environments.

These two AMAZING creatures, were in this space that you see behind me....with the background painted as it would look, if it were a REAL environment.... you WOULD see vast land, flat... yet with big trees, and mountains about, vast landscape....

no buildings.... LAND.

With different creatures, and land....textures and tastes....green-ish trees and shrubs and dry-plantlife that they would be eating from.

They were beautiful. I was quite enchanted by them...they were so big and tall and graceful.

But....

they were in this weird environment, that i cannot imagine how that FEELS for them, when their natural habitat is SO MUCH DIFFERENT.

the fact that there is just a PAINTING of what their environment is supposed to look like, felt like mocking.... it was more for us onlookers... not to stimulate for them AT ALL.  They don't buy that, you know? ya can't eat the leaves in those paintings.... you can't walk, and feel the wind and sun on your beautiful tall interestingly shaped body...you can't RUN for your life away from those Lions chasing you... and escape because you run so fast and there is much space to run away from them....

We all know the bad rep of zoos, the pros and cons... obviously i am a person who leans towards 'natural', so i certainly noticed many of the flaws of the zoo-system-environment. This did not take away from my awe of earth's creatures, and their beauty, and amazing unique perfections...

This was my first time seeing giraffes....first time, and first time at the zoo....

I have seen many amazing animals in the 'wild', in their natural homeland and habitats. Elephants in India, Zebras in Ethiopia.... Gorillas in Uganda.

I have been Blessed to have seen these amazing grand creatures in their lands.

SO seeing these amazing beautiful creatures... so grand... and beautiful, and just unlike what i expected (even though i have seen enough pictures etc etc of them)...in this little too-small and SO boring of a habitat.... it made me feel sad.

And i expressed this to my kids... as we looked at them together, a bit in awe.... appreciating.... but this is a conversation for their elder future selves... but definitely one we have started already.  Speaking of pachamama, and her creatures...and the land that is ALIVE in which they live, and come from.

Next step is maybe watching more videos, that showcases the animals in their habitats... to really bring home how amazing they are, and how it is our responsibility to honour them, and care for the earth... or else they will disappear.

and also, to really understand the BIG and complex picture of that, and how we, in our own little toronto canada bubble, ACTUALLY are connected to them, in their natural habitats, across the world.

we are all one...

and those giraffes (and RHINO, and orangutans, and grand snakes, etc etc!) were so amazing to see alive.... even at the zoo... i give thanks....

Long live them all.

p.s. Our trip to the Toronto zoo was December 26, 2018. This was written Jan 15 2019- i am a mama of twins, trying to keep life together, and so this piece of writing got delayed! ;) I think that's the only day of the year the zoo is 50% off FYI, for future reference folks!

dec 17, 2018 ....i hate the system. i do.

(warning: super angry, totally disenchanted post….re. job search, dependence on childcare, and feeling bad about the whole shit-uation.)

I HATE THE SYSTEM.

That I am reliant upon, and feel that I NEED right now, for my sanity.

I hate that it is so hard to have children, to be in relation/partner-ship, and to be happy, to survive….to care for my children and stay mentally healthy… when I am so isolated, and lacking in support, and reliant upon a system that is just so warped.

So full of HAVE, and HAVE-NOTS. Like how are we supposed to get ahead. I had 2 months really to work at my own pace, taking employment workshop courses, and figure out how to apply to jobs, (that are ‘suitable’ for my education level, and interests.), then apply to them. I built up my beliefs in my abilities, figured out how to express that via words applying to job postings) and then landing interview(s).

I didn’t get yet ANOTHER  job today, I got denied, post interview process…..after waiting patiently for a response, and then getting a short response…. Denial.

I know that is the process…. You have to expect NOT getting all the jobs you apply to and for.

I really don’t like the process… I have said HATE already….(a word i know i don't want to say or feel, a word and sentiment that actually is awful and ugly)

I do feel hate for the whole process…it’s making me feel really angry, unhappy, sad, un-faith-full. As in, NOT full of faith.     

                    

And I know that it is actually part of a systemic problem, that keeps folks in lover income class, IN lower income class. How am I supposed to step into a professional role, when we struggle to pay our rent., and buy all our basic needs.  How am I supposed to walk confidently and calmly into an interview process, when i ACTUALLY am desparate now. When my children’s daycare is receiving letters from the first month we are there, notifying them that our susbsidy is being withdrawn (at their own mistake), and then again within two months, notifying them that they basically should start looking for new kids to fill the spots (because I have not found full time employment/education).

That is a LOT of pressure, humilitiaion, embarrassment, pressure…. And desperation.

I am super hustling right now. No longer applying to those ‘suitable’ jobs anymore, they’re irrelevant right now, unless they fulfill my ‘daycare subsidy requirements.’ I need work FAST.

So I start to settle, for basic jobs….for minimum wage…. For mindless, non-challenging basic labour.

Cogs in the machine…. Moving that ‘wheel’ along, the same one that absolutely holds me captive, in this humiliating state.  One that leaves me bouncing around from confidence ‘I can do it’, to ‘I have to get ANY job now, or else my kids lose daycare and I am back to square one’….etc. NOT a confident good feeling place.

It’s not easy, I HATE the system…I have for many years. Some people will read that/this, and just not get me, not identify with what I am saying here… too political, too ‘angry’, un-real….

Other folks in my orbits will GET where I am at. Get the challenges I am experiencing, the role I am in… and ALL the fucked up systemic levels/angles/positions/POWER involved in keeping me and WAY TOO MANY OTHERs in these roles.  And yet STILL being RELIANT upon this capitalist system, that actually doesn’t care about us folks down here on the bottom level, receiving daycare subsidy…. We just fuel the upper class to make more money, get ahead, and then hold on tight to that money…. Pass it on to their next generations….

Meanwhile, I am trying to get ahead, and just can’t…. not enough time, energy, support…. Means… etc.

I know I am not alone in this moment and seeming reality. I know I am not alone in so many of my experiences… I just know it. I know it could be so much worse… which actually just makes me feel worse about the whole fucking situation….

I just hate the system…. It’s not right, or just. I hate being part of a corrupt system. I actually hate it, and feel so frustrated….

And that is trickling down through me right now….

And it feels awful.

And I feel all this, I do.

And although it is ALL ugly and not-nice feelings/expressions/etc…. I feel the need to just feel it, and be honest about it…. Release and express it.

It doesn’t even feel better, and now I feel more embarrassed that I have actually expressed these things OUTSIDE of my internal mind, and physical body…

But fuck that shit. It’s where I am at. I am having a hard time….

Too much pressure….

I was trying to level up… and the system SMACKED that down fast…. Don’t get too excited and happy, believing in possibilities… I don’t think so…. Back down you go.

Honestly….

Santa Clause Parade Miracle (November 18, 2018)

So, with kids, and attempted naps….if you can believe it, WE MISSED THE PARADE L

Kids have never seen the santa clause parade, and they totally are the right age to enjoy big parades and festivities.  

Montana and Yemaya are being raised to enjoy the whole ‘santa clause’ Christmas phenomenon…. Although I was never raised with that J

They also will grow up lighting channukah candles and celebrating channukah, and singing some of those songs, and eating latkes and cookies, like Mama did growing up <3 o:p="">

So today, we did a ttc-public transport mission to try and catch the parade, we thought it moved slower than it did….so after a bit of chasing, we got to the end of the parade route….and were told by family passer by-ers…. We just missed it L SUCH a shame!!!!

So although sad, I tried to just sort of pass over the whole reality of that, and just got really excited with the few remaining celebration festivities we saw…. ‘look, a funny costume, look, beautiful lights on trees, look at all that colourful confetti on the ground leftover, yaaaaay J’. And then we continued with the exciting sweet treat part of the parade plan…. We went and had hot sweet chocolate J

It was still a special adventure, and it was nice and kids were happy J

We figured out where we were to catch the bus home, and we walked, at our kid sleepy-pace, and headed towards the bus stop.

While getting to a main road, with a big stoplight….we heard the big beeping sounds of the police vehicles, and right before us… WERE THE PARADE FLOATS!!!!

!!!

They were cleared of people at this point, and it was moving traffic-speed fast….but right before our eyes, WAS THE ENTIRE PARADE….float after float of big exciting Christmas-y and winter-y creatures and gingerbread houses and penguins and bears, etc etc….

Front row standing room, no one in front of us to block any views J

and our excitement was HUGE that it was happening, and that we didn’t even miss it!!!

What a beautiful  story, universe TOTALLY came through for us here, and as usual, restores my faith in just TRUSTING and feeling positive, and moving along….keeping going….it’s all good. And look what happens…. You just never know….

And here we were, accepting we missed it, still trying to keep positive and light and happy and having a good time with good memories, and there before us… THE ENTIRE PARADE J

Minus Santa ;)

So now we are at home, and the kids are all talking about ‘santa’ ;)

I am just talking about Santa, like he’s a happy jolly guy that really loves Christmas, I’m definitely not gonna play up like he’s a ‘real being delivering gifts’ but he’s a great story and character to be excited about…. Especially in this culture that just loves to celebrate and spread his (capitalistically fuelled) story J

And in terms of the whole ‘christmas spirit’, well, this was a beautiful start and our faith and joy for the season is absolutely present. Mine certainly is…. And I think the kids feel that as well J

What a successful ‘santa clause parade adventure’ after all!

Memories of Teachers (Nov 16, 2018)

Recently, as I ride the waves of ‘job searching’… little moments of my past re-appear in my memory, and images of folks who have been present in my life along the way come into my heart, and I get to reflect on something special…. Someone special. MANY someone’s.

There are people, close sisters, or folks that I shared vulnerabilities with, in different times and places in the world…. I remember them, I remember, almost vividly-on my body- WHAT they taught me.

I think of this crew of monks, from Myanmar, that I hung out with in India, for a period of a couple of months I think.  They were my first teachers of Buddhism, really the first insight I received of this nature.  And still to this day, one of the most simple teachings- that they taught me with their ACTIONS, comes back to me almost daily.

I YEARN to actually practice it completely, but I ALWAYS have it to come back to, re-appearing for me to keep me in the RIGHT place.

DO GOOD, DO NOT DO BAD, KEEP YOUR MIND CLEAN.

Try/practice non-harmful thinking, and actions, and feelings.

Then seeing Thich Nhat Hanh, doing morning walking meditations, and listening to his speeches…. Those added to the lessons years later…

Through and through, Thich Nhat Hanh LIVES his beliefs.  In a place and time of war and injustice, he not only WAS peaceful, he ‘PREACHED’ peace. And he still does, to this day. Probably Millions of folks have followed in his footsteps, because of his TRUE practice in peace.

Why do we do things in-authentically?

I have so many possible answers to that question ;)

I know one of the answers, is that humyns are influencable creatures.  We are largely socialized. Our CORES are US. They/We are unique at our ROOTS, in our CORE FOUNDATIONS, we are our own special selves.

But we are very quickly influenced, and susceptible to what we are taught/socialized/influenced by/immersed in. 

At his core, I believe Thich Nhat Hanh, so firmly has been rooted in Peace.  Many amazing folks are amazingly rooted in beautiful peaceful caring principles- across religions/philosophies/countries. You can always find amazing people.

ALSO, many of us get swayed and influenced (myself included!), and there have always people who CAPITALIZE on this special vulnerability of Humyn-nature- that we are influence-able.

 

And it’s hard to sort through, ‘how to be’ when there are all these factors that influence us.

I KNOW, I need to ‘do good, do not do bad, keep my mind clean’….yet I have to survive, do what feels ethical, within the confines of my LIFE, with twin children, family and partner … and I will just say the biggest most massive is society/culture/capitalism/the social environment in which I am SO enmeshed in.

So these friends, these memories of really wonderful humyns in my life. Moreso these folks in recent years, who have been these supportive positive sparkly presences, reminding me of these beliefs I worked so hard to SHIFT and integrate into myself, about how to live good… these really important ethics I know exist in me, when I am able to tap back into them, and live them a little bit more fully.

I find it comes in waves it’s true (like a sweet sister recently spoke of)… the waves of being able to really be present with all my knowledge and strengths and positive GOOD ways of living, in my steps and interactions with fellow humyns in all my areas of life. 

SOMETIMES, I do good, I do not do bad, and I keep my mind clean.

THIS is certainly the goal these days.

And THIS is the goal as I look for work, and imagine days in the future.

Imagine in my mind, as I remember in my mind too…. All these great folks I crossed paths with, who were truly kind… or at least PRACTICED trying to be.

I give thanks for all them, as these days, they really keep me going...

And I give thanks for Universe/Creation/Pachamama too. For these experiences I've lived, and these insights to remember.

OUTFITS (November 6, 2018)

I wore many outfits today.

Packing kids to go, french toast making mama outfit.

Which was also a sweet walk in the rain to a delicious yoga class session outfit....

Then I switched my pants to make it more of a professional going to talk to previous boss to be my future job-reference outfit.

That turned Into a pick up my twin kids n take them home on public transportation outfit.

This outfit got a bit dirty, because it turned into a floury pizza- making outfit-with with my kids from purchased-dough scratch ...SO delicious.

 

Second last outfit was....a super diva brown/yellow/black-collared retro dress with a nice flowy skirt... because I'm going to a play with Some fantastic diva mother's....a play called ‘secret life of a mother’ - honouring all of us MOTHERS.  I felt it’s a great reason to dress myself up in a fancy outfit. I, as mother, deserve to dress up, and be honoured for my breathtaking beauty (that secret be told, has nothing to do with my outfit ;) )....but can still Be expressed so.

Final late night outfit…. Was comfy pajama outfit. After going into my babies bedroom, and covering them up and give them little kissies. Then I made sure the kitchen was to my liking, because I am on breakfast patrol in the morning, and I know after a diva long day like that, I wouldn’t be as sharp in the morning.

All those little pieces of my life right now, the changing of the hats, and styles and ROLES are very reflective of this time.

I am a Mom of twins, I am also trying to step into professional role, and independent womyn, and humyn. All require different outfits of expression, even if they really don’t matter. Which they don’t.  

Describing my outfits is just a way to tell my story…. I do believe that is true of humyns around the world…. Aren’t we beautiful <3 span="">

Life of a Mother- October 16 2018

I could have written a million pieces of writing and just straight-up titled it THIS J

It is ALWAYS changing….this role.

Today’s day of ‘being a mother’ goes like this.

It’s actually ‘national childcare worker appreciation day’, so I have learned.

I bought all our rooms folks a bar of chocolate, because lord-ess knows, being a mother, and one of twins, I have RELIED upon chocolate to fuel myself.

So I came into the daycare today ACTUALLY with a bit of honouring for those womyn who I have only known minimally for a few weeks not quite, but I certainly FULL-PRECIATE.

I left as usual…. This is week number 3, so this is a fairly recent ‘normal’, this walking in and just LEAVING my kids and going about in the world….hands-free.

My plans today included yoga, job search time, and college course homework time in the library (along with picking up some new books for my kids obviously).  I then had a coffee lined up with a person in an organization I am interested in working in (social/humyn service and support), and then an interview for another more basic job, more of a work-for-money job(still good ethics, an organic local restaurant kitchen role).  

Then I was to pick up my kids for daycare… and then my role as MAMA kicks in.

Snacks, Dinner, activities at home…. Bedtime, laundry, prepare for tomorrow’s breakfast, clothes, bags, etc.

It’s a long day…. It’s a busy day….

Days full of trying to evolve a bit, maintain balance in my Mama-dom…  acquire actually more of a better healthier balance in that role. Hence, utilizing the daycare service to actually benefit ALL of our lives. Body mind Spirit of us all. 

All those parts CONSTANTLY need to be nourished, and I need to constantly be ‘levelling’ up to properly do so.

This daycare situation has allowed me to start/finish a whole bunch of work on myself and all my ‘parts’, so that I can excel a bit better at being mama. I am generally noticing a difference, taking better care of myself for SURE, and thus am more calm and balanced more often with my kids…. And that actually is the most important. I mean, of course I am, SUNNI I mean….but once you become a mom…. Ideally is that you are doing everything for them, ultimately (even if that includes caretaking of YOUR SELF… it’s still for them ;) )

SO, this explains the life of a mother… ALL those plans…

Until i received a phone call that my kids are BOTH puking- Multiple times for one of them…. And everything mama/future/levelling-up oriented…. OUT THA WINDOW.

And I need to chug that nice hot coffee that just graced my presence, take some deep breathes, and mentally prepare for a subway (including an inaccessible station with tons of stairs!) and a bus ride home with two ill, weak-energied kids, potentially who will puke en route.

AND I have to keep it all together and smooth and easy…. And be prepared to carry them and it all on my back. AND then nurture them and their bodies, minds, spirits, souls, hearts, needs when we get home.

No yoga/job-exploration/interview/homework time for me today…

I just got a few minutes in calm peace….with a few sips of hot coffee in a real mug J

And a conversation with the mama who works at the café, asking about how my guys are adjusting to daycare, with a mama-to-mama moment supporting each other….

Just because… that’s what mama’s do <3 o:p="">

p.s. Shout out to ALL the mama’s around the world… HONESTLY….I ALWAYS knew I respected womyn and mama’s, but never really got it. LET me tell you…. Walking down those million stairs in the subway (carrying one child, and holding on the other’s weak hand), I actually was saying to myself, out loud….’i am a super womyn, mama, AND I am a mama of twins’…I was smiling…. I needed to give myself some love in that moment to BE a super mama…. As I was ACTUALLY being that super mama… Much respect to us all.

p.p.s. shout outs to the daddy’s who support us all in our SUPER-MAMA wombyn ROLES… it’s not easy being a parent or a humyn in this messed up-ethic-ed society… so shout of to my kids father in supporting me in this process, and taking care of our kids with genuine love. We are trying our best…

First Week of Daycare Reflections- October 2018

Second day daycare- what does it all mean? How do I feel about it, micro, macro…I, as Mom…. From my perspective… what about this sacred transition, what does it mean for us ALL?… THIS is what I want to focus on in this moment.

How it feels…

It feels like… i feel proud of them. I feel really in love with them, that I can watch them go through this very big shift AWAY from me. That they can enjoy and follow their flow… that they love us so much…and that Montana’s story of the first day mostly was about ‘how mommy and daddy dropped us off, and then, how he saw us peeking through the door and we picked him up’. 

We are their world, a lot of it… but now, and soon, their world, and world of caregivers and CARE, is getting bigger…..sadly, they haven’t had many consistent OTHER caregivers. …not so sadly, he has ME, his mom. Sadly, as time went on… aka now-ish…. I got pretty burnt out, and started losing my temper, in ways that I am just not proud of… but since I am an intelligent womyn, I can see HOW that happened. When humyns are not supported by, or moreso immersed in, community and family…. Support…. We cannot be our best/better selves/humyns…. It is hard, it just is.

So as I leave, and talk to them about it all at home…. They are starting to understand now what this ‘day care’ actually is. It means they have to say good bye to their mom for a big chunk, and they do get side-tracked by great care and fun and activities….but I am not with them anymore all day every day…. Doting on them… feeding them their every bite…. Watching them in their every step… catching them in their every fall, tending to their wounds…. Cuddling them kissing them….

I haven’t even left them yet to do naptime…. I will likely tomorrow or the next day…. One day at a time… and not doing naptime with them (although it has become one of the more frustration-triggering experiences of our day, so I know it needs to shift and evolve into something different)….it still is an extremely sacred period we have shared 99% of their days of their lives….

I remember when they were so little…. And I would breastfeed them to sleep in a certain corner, in a certain bed formation, with I am sure a certain pillow-support-set-up….and those moments would be RELIEF… for us all. Naptime, together.

I know all of their faces…. Intimately. I know them all…. I know when they are falling asleep, I know what their general little teeny expressions/breaths mean. I know the window of time that they will STAY asleep in, or wake up…. I can’t put all the little teeny bits I know about these two humyns into words… I just can’t. I know so many things about them….

I am so sad about leaving them….

AND…. I already saw yesterday (first day!) in Yemaya how good it is for her. And how much she is going to love it.  For Montana it is harder.  They are just different humyns with different personalities…. But I believe (as my wise friends remind me) that it will make my relationship with him, my time with him…. All the more ‘yummy’.   I still have to/am going to be PARENT…. These guys were in MY BODY’S BELLY for their origins. I AM their foundation and roots.  I connect them back to earth…. And I always will. They know me, and they will always hear me speak of pachamama….and how we must take care of her. (And I hope that that can grow more active and true as time goes on, and I get this chance now to evolve again….)  But my little Montana creature, is surprisingly more attached to me. I think for a long while he was more attached to Terell, but it has swapped again recently.  Which is fine and good…. Ebbs and flows…. Both kids need both of us, and it is OUR responsibility as parents to RECOGNIZE when we need to do what is best for our kids. And I recognized in myself, that I needed a break, I needed space, I needed to become a better version of sunni again. And this is what I intend to do.

October 3/4/5 2018

Passing off MY kids to OTHER humyns to do the bulk of the day’s work in caring for them… such a bizarre concept and TOTALLY reflective of the time we are in.  Let me reflect how my micro experience reflects the MACRO system.

I’ve been zooming around the last few days…. Appointment to appointment to errand to conversation date…. Counselling, new-mama date, INTERVIEW, employment counselling and workshop, GROCERIES, laundry…. And now with no nap, and ALSO picking up super charged/stimulated/evolving kids, and getting home J To make dinner for everyone, and prepare for the next very early morning making sure everyone is fed a solid morning meal, and hopefully gets a chance to poop and brush their teeth and is wearing proper clothing that will last the day AND I will have a wholesome snack and hydration ready to go for PICK-up J

THAT’S how it’s been for me.

There are these (Womyn) humyns there, at this ‘daycare’, that actually have been in their own way- LOVING up my children…well they have been substituting my LOVE for them, but /and doing it their own way… in a paid job kind of way…. But in a consistent healthy positive teaching nurturing supporting-kids-natural-interests kind of way.  It is DEFINTIELY what my guys need and deserve right now, and they are getting it. And they have done really quite well, like super quite well.

Today Montana and I agreed that I was going to hug him when we got there… he asked me for a hug, and we had a proper quality hug… and then he was sort of ready to move along after that. But it was really important to follow through with what we planned, for him, and for his comfort.  We speak about how the day will go, and what ‘pick-up’ will look like, and when.

Yesterday I had a hard internal mama day… feeling pretty sad internally, bad/guilty…. That I am leaving my kids now. That I am not taking care of them anymore. Guilty…. But you know what, I know with my MIND part, that this is good.

But when I explore my bigger mind part… the part that can see the broad social picture…. I guess this is my sociologist/slightly-pessimistical-political  mind that is speaking now…. I see the greater picture too. Here I am, passing my kids off to the system, where they will then learn to conform. To listen and follow and behave accordingly. And that IS actually what is happening, and I am choosing that.

Because they are being raised here, in (Babylon) capitalist society.  I am here now, COMPLETELY relying upon the system, and I am RIGHT attached and reliant upon it now. Any money I make, any changes I make, any assets I acquire, any change of address or contact information or network changes…. I must report now to multiple people, in governing agencies.

No free flowing movement, no anonymity.  NO quick moves, no slight wrongdoings… everything is transparent to do a quick ‘search’, and I am linked to all my family and our numbered and historical details.

It’s just weird. Our lives never used to be this ‘infiltrated’, all this monitoring and all this LACK of privacy, independence…. Now it is RELIANCE upon, APPROVAL, RECORDS… within a system.  That is ACTUALLY at this point GOVERNED by people that REALLY don’t care about our very special INDIVIDUAL needs. Or beliefs….

These little teeny MILLIONS of special idiosyncrasies that make up each humyn.

This week, the ‘teachers’ over at daycare have been learning these special little unique qualities of my little beautiful interesting children…Montana and Yemaya.

ON a micro level, us humyns always do well…. Well mostly often.   We constantly try to adapt, to find some kind of place of homeostasis within the environment that we are in, considering all that we may have, or have not.  We try to do our best, we DO need support though.  We need the community and extra hands and eyes…to help raise the little people.  They are so ENERGY consuming by ourselves.  This is how it came to be that my guys ended up at daycare (and how so many of our children do!).  We need help, we humyns cannot do it alone. We *can*, but it’s really freaking hard.

But we try to do our best, and then the ‘system can help’….but, the system is designed and based on a ‘capitalist’ system, including haves and have-not-as-much… it depends on/ humyns live within international slave labour and prison industrialist complex models. It relies upon there being lower level workers ( in the case of prisons-this is acceptably controllable labour), and the wealthier  folks CAPITALIZING on these  folks physical labour. 

All of us folks here who have minimal help, but NEED help… we then need to turn to the system for it, then become deeply intertwined with and reliant upon it to survive, because it is supporting us, so we need to support it back. But we are not controlling it, it is controlling us…

Some folks may follow this logic, and not agree, but I am sure if you ask let’s say 99% of us folks here living in this here world, it is not an easy (or safe) life, and most of us are indebted to the system, and thus TRULY have limited ‘power’ and perhaps even autonomy. 

Here I am, job searching…. Looking to get something that pays the childcare bills, so I don’t have to look after MY OWN CHILDREN J (cue the guilt….).  It buys me ‘sanity’, it pays the pretty awesome daycare (mostly womyn, likely just above or at minimum wage), it teaches my kids a bit more about how to CONFORM within the system they are being shaped to fit into….because clearly their mother is not SUPER supportive of it J

Irony.

I give thanks to Pachamama, for my kids. I give thanks to Pachamama for offering me this headspace to write and reflect. I give thanks to Pachamama/universe/god/jah/nature/creation/UNIVERSE…. For the time to look for a JOB to now ALSO become devoted to… that HOPEFULY will be as WHOLESOME and real and nourishing and honest, and evolutionary an perhaps even a little bit REVOLUTIONARY…because lord-ess knows… we and the SYSTEM certainly needs it.

We have got to get back in harmony with what the kids teach us…

Basics… eat, sleep, love, patience, peeing/pooing, cleanliness and health… curiosity and honouring the present beautiful special moments….

no longer in my prime

i am no longer in my prime....

what has made me think this... as i listen to some beautiful indian prayer music...i reflect on a past relationship, where i believe i was in a pretty 'prime' place in life...

and now i do not feel that i am anymore... :)

sounds pretty downer... perhaps it is, perhaps i am....

but i mean, there was a time, when i was going out all night, where i could dance and play and frolick in costume and dance through streets and aisles and laugh and smile....

freely, abundantly.... at my own leisure.... in my costumes of choice...

now i am preparing to 'conform' :)

i have many of those yearnings still... but i have 'curbed' them a bit.

i hear these beautiful sounds from around the world.... on my favourite radio shows... and when i am able to be in this indulgent moment, to just listen and enjoy them with NO interruptions...

i remember and recall... all those sounds and smells and faiths and colours and cultures and sounds....

such diversity of everything around the world... and yet here in canada toronto... my life... we and I are so limited...

yes there are plentitudes of 'cultural events' that are AMAZING, but ONE- i cannot participate in most of those for too many reasons... and TWO- they are moments, and they are snapshots... but they are not such full encapsulating experiences like BEING IN another place...where those sounds and smells and patterns and movements and prayers and WAYS are surround sound and full-sensual-immersions and moreso, REALITIES.

I  was talking to my kids the other day...which is STILL my full-time job, so may i remind you they are also almost my 'co-workers'...they are certainly my main company.... sigh....

but i was talking to them, telling them where all my tattoos and piercings are from.... india, belize, ethiopia, australia....canada....

i have been to all those places, and have special meaningful real messages and marks on my body to NEVER forget... i have been there, i have done that.

i feel like i have been in denial of all these amazing experiences i have done, as if they do not have a place in my life anymore. which is totally absurd, because all of these adventures are (some of) the main ingredients in which my life has been formed out of....

formed, evolved, fragmented, nourished by....somewhat forgotten... back-burnered....slightly denied or squashed.... not given attention to, or not honouring as it all should be.

i should be PURE proud of it all... ALL... even the past-lover parts, and the dangerous/silly/'irresponsible' parts...100%

...

so i sit here... listening to the radio, this amazing french show that really showcases world/cross-genre and time music.... and just flow along following different memories and feelings and sounds...remembering, feeling....

i have done a lot. I am no longer in my 'prime'. i am no longer that solo free womyn frolicking....

this makes me sad sometimes/often.... because it has been the  meaning i have GROWN to attach to my life.

my mom died wheni was a kid, my hair fell out...i learned to teach myself what was important, who to listen to, what to pay attention to...and for many years i just let SOUL stuff lead....

that was when i was 'in my prime'....for that whole shifting into SUNNI RAINBOW ROCHELLE...from beautiful rochelle elise jacobs.... goddess rest my soul ;)

into the present me sunni rainbow rochelle....

who hangs out now with kids in costumes at sunset on playgrounds feeding her babies that she loves so muhc little oranges.... crying just a little bit at how much i love them.

(tho i am sure moments/days before and after do and will i feel so stressed and frustrated at how HARD it has been to raise them)

i am just no longer in my prime....

but perhaps i can evolve back towards a different expression of 'prime'. i guess prime generally is 'all the ideal things'....

but haven't my ideals changed? so much of my brain power in actuality is centred around MY KIDS....

i guess that will all change, in approximately 36 hours actually... when they go to daycare, and that transition happens eventually... and then, a big bulk of my headspace is NO LONGER devoted to CARE for them...

then perhaps i get to visit with myself again, for some interesting extended periods of time.... see what i like again, in a really true comfortable way... or ways that i feel comfortable expanding my 'boundaries' in/out of... some of those boundaries are up for reasons perhaps i just don't like anymore...

and once i have my independence a bit more available....

who will i become?

SCREW prime, SCREW those ideas.... NEVER forget those amazing parts of MY HERSTORY.

i did all that...

i give thanks to ALL the circumstances that made that all happen (thanks namely to pachamama, and all her creations, and the people who are NOT assholes that harm others just to get ahead, and may i PLEASE make better decisions moving forward to be more conscious of this and that.... there are too many DESERVING folks in the UNIVERSE who just deserve WAY more ease than they have, and MY privilege absolutely plays a role in their challenging positions.... i would like to EVERY DAY remember that more. and i GENUINELY wish for my kids to find their own relationship with being TRULY conscious of this too.)

i wonder if one day again i will be able to travel. be able to perhaps get something marked on my body from the rest of the continents... where am i lacking.... south america, europe, antarctica. i have been to the former two, just didn't get 'marked'.

these can be dreams.... for now... as i listen.... just dream....

until i die, i will feel... and i will listen...

and now i will try my best (need to do BETTER)...To impart this knowledge to my kids too. these feelings and LISTENING... with all our senses....

to pachamama sounds and reminders....

prime is a ridiculous concept anyways to pachamama....mother earth jah creation god universe

it's all relative....and sacred actually.

...