community and friendship are in my top VALUES.

friends.... are community.

people we have crossed path in our lives, at very special times... long times ago, or recent times...

hopefully in good times, but perhaps we forged over difficult times....

but we share a sense of comraderie... of confidance... of communication, and respect, and support.

as i reflect on my core values... things that really make ME and my LIFE feel right...

friends and community- folks that 'fit' into these categories, really serve to ground me.

and not just that they 'serve' me, because it has been noted about me, that i am self-centered.

i am self-centered, perhaps more than others, because my Mom died, and i had to become my OWN mother.

the thing about MOTHERS, is they ARE centered in their CARE for whom they care for.

they do not have the LUXURY (if they have chosen to BE mothers) to step away so easily from those they care for.

if i stopped caring for myself, then i would have fallen through the cracks fast. I am gad my mother, and the different role models and mentors i have had in my life have helped me to learn to 'take care of myself'.

NOWadays, my friends and my community, who i see too sparingly... REMIND me to take care of myself. REMIND me of the principles that we once and CONTINUE to connect on.

those principles and values that WE TOO share together.

sometmes we connect in dance and joyful expressions and reggae and world music companionship...

sometimes we connect in geographical roots- we once lived and loved together in kensingtnon market culture... or perhaps we lived and loved in a different part of the world, travelling together...

sometimes we connect on buddhist meditation practice- sharing retreats and sangha and ideals to live by....

sometimes we connect in motherhood- we have met and bonded during this time...evolved and laughed and cried as we are exhausted because of lack of sleep... as we have watched our kids grown up through crawling into walking... through sounds into talking... through mushy food to meals and 'manners'... we have watched our bodies change in shape and breastfeeding and blood flowing again... to fertile bodies once again...

these friends, whom i ideally see a few a week... here and there, sometimes without, but usually WITH my children- whom now make me not one but 3 HUMYNS i share my values/body/food/tears/laughter/ETC with....

these friends feel like my saviours. they acknowledge and recognize and reflect and honour and nurture and support me.... to keep going.

my children are such a combination of energies for me... they feed me, yet TOTALLY zap me. i love them and don't want to be apart from them.... YET I NEED MY SPACE AND HEADSPACE SO BAD... so that i can properly take care of them.

so while they 'serve' me, to take care of me...my friends and the folks i intimately share my inner nature with- they too do the same.

We share our trials and tribulations... we reason... we eat together, we dance and get merry together... we cry together, and talk and talk.... if we did't have so many children about- im sure at this point in life we would probably also be sharing much more silence together too ;) and that's a beautiful thing.

as i age a bit more, now that i am a mother (and it certainly 'matures' one)...my values in life have shifted much more towards the real raw and yet also STABLE and grounded-ness existing in my life.

friends are like that... when they are proper friends... they are trees, in the forests of our lives.

and may we all hve forests.... sigh...

may we all have these supportive understanding forests... and may we also all feel supported BY the real thang... FORESTS.

i need to get myself to the forests...to lie down in a bed of pine needles....(or snow since it's coming )...

there's nothing like being in the forest with folks you love though....

i give thanks for folks that i can share such love with.... the friendship speckles that make up my 'community' of support.

it all trickles down into my children...and for this i am thankful.

'where energy goes, energy flows' -said many a yogi/spirit teacher!!!

enclosed in ME is many of the 'yuckier' emotions, these days, too much frustration/sadness/anger/grief... but i will write less of those...

when i looked back over my recent blog posts, (which are definitely rare these years!) there's just too much of those 'yuckier' feelings expressed in my writing.

i mean, writing about them, expressing them, letting them OUT is actually really good and healthy, so me writing about them is actually fulfilling a healthy purpose.... working on them, releasing them...

but i realize it is also a fine line... between RELEASING them, and just adding more fuel to their fire.... just building them up... enabling them.... GROWING them.

repeatedly talking about SHITTY things/parts of my life/this world..and repeateedly dwelling on them... it just, keeps me in that headspace...

i KNOW, because i have LEARNED... (and although i a DEEPLY out of practice, i have not yet UNLEARNED)... that we ALL have to consciously choose how to LIVE and APPROACH it all... LIFE... in this lifetime.

it is up to each of us to CHOOSE to make better healthier MORE POSITIVE choices.

so when i get together with my great humyns i call FRIENDS, and i come home and relaize, WOW, i just spent that WHOLE session, VENTING... it doesn't feel good in me.

YES, i need to release, i need to be heard about the challenges i AM truly experiencing right now... that's all true...

but its too much... it's too much NOT being happy, it's too much NOT working to BE a better happier more positive belief-full person.

i worked hard to BE that, for a lot of years actually.

and i need ot be able to see THAT as an achievement.

i chose to take my single one-week vacation a summeritme not long ago... at a meditation retreat, under the guidance and direction of a true good humyn buddhist teacher... thich nhat hanh.

i chose that, because, i wanted to adopt more of his beliefs into my own life.

i wanted more of his important teachings to be absorbed into my WHOLE being, that much deeper.

it's amazing how malleable humyns are... how shifts in life (especially big shifts like partnerships and children) can continue re-shaping us.... back to places that we thought or attempted to re-train... to learn differently...

i worked hard to become a more happy and positive person... because i do actually believe that it makes SO much more sense.

i want to be living in a way that makes me happy. that is full of meaning and depth and gratitiude and satisfaction... AND JOY.

i miss joy <3 p="">
i have so many moments of joy... but so many moments LACKING in joy now....

without giving the details... i just want to write here... a reminder to myself. (to be shared with anyone who reads this!)... that I KNOW... i have LEARNED in this lifetime... that where ENERGY goes, ENERGY flows... the more atttention i put towards the yucky things... the more those yucky things are present....

the more energy i put into GOODNESS.... being patient, and courageous... to CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY, to choose JOY....more energy will flow into that.

it is up to us to choose which glasses/frames/lens we choose to put on to wear in this world.

i want my glasses to be CLEAR, and playful and happy... i want them to see the world as the SHITSHOW it seems to be heading in...(sorry!)... and so i want to see it/live it... in a good true way... that encompasses the sad/angry/lethargic qualities it brings out in me... INTERTWINED with my positive belief in ritual and gratitude and good positive company and interactions... with fellow compassionate understanding caring humyns....

wouldn't it be great if i could finally live again where all my prayers are LESS about myself, and MORE about the betterment of others again?

i wish/pray for me to be spending LESS energy in the not-so-far future about my hardships in life right now... and instead with good buddhist philosophies that encourage us to live to serve the betterment of others... and preserving/protecting nurturing the earth...

may i REMEMBER how to live again, so that my kids and i together can be living rooted in the philosophy to SERVE for the betterment of others and PACHAMAMA...sincerely <3 p="">
(p.s. where this positive re-memberance has been ignited is... today my kids and i shared a  campfire with a very special friend family of ours. it was actually their FIRST lived experience of BEING with a fire.

to be with fire, and nature is true healing...)

a sad piece of writing: on the loneliness of unsupported motherhood, and it's long term effects.

truthfully, just writing the title here says it all.

and i actually feel like i don't have much more energy to pull flowing words out of my brain...

but i know i need to flush this *feeling* out of me, that is far too often there.

I wasn't always so negative, or tired, or needy, or sad.... I used to have time/energy/space to work with and flow through my energy.

then i had twins... and then etc etc etc...

so many life evolution have come through that growth...

i wished for them truly. i wished and WANTED to have a baby, and babies came.

but i did not wish also to lose so much of what MADE my life what it was, and brought me a sense of balance.

i actually feel like at this point, i am so different and far from what i 'was', that it is at this point of many of my relationships and friendships are actually deteriorating. because i am just so needy and yearning, of some relief... of a break... of some help...and well, it is not anyone else's responsibility to come and be present to help me (and Terell) with our kids, but you know, it certainly would be nice.

it is really hard...with basically no support to help with any of the day-to-day care-load of us and two-year old twins.

even people with singleton kids, even with more than one... don't really understand.

it takes it's toll on you.... it has taken it's toll on me.

but there's hardly anyone present anymore to talk about it with.. they are all busy functioning, while i am here, often feeling like we are hardly staying afloat, in so many ways.

it's been 2 and 1/4 years almost, since we have had Montana and Yemaya... and truly, slowly but surely, it has taken it's toll on me.

no one has the time to come help us, or no one wants to *make* the time to help us, be present with us... and maybe at this point, no one actually WANTS to come be with us, because truthfully... there is much stress/pressure/strain present in our little humble family and household these days...

intertwined with beautiful laughter and special danceparties, and quirky personalities, that only we know....

death is getting closer to home...

there is this idea, for many of us... who see society, and news, and hear of death often, but don't experience it touching our lives so directly...

two folks have died in the last week...neither one was i SUPER close to, but both of them i had humyn interaction with, and they have left lasting imporessions on me, and MANY of the folks that i care about...

that is the more impactful part of it... so many people feel sad.... who have survived....

and i feel that.

i feel sad.....

and you know, it's interesting... i talk a lot, and LIKE to talk/feel/theorize about modern-day dying, and funeral processes, and now the grief process as well...

i am interested in death, it's whole process and impact...

and still, when it comes close to me, to my life, and the people i care about...

i feel really sad, every time...

it's a humyn experience, and PROCESS.

rest in peace Michael stone, and Mawe Bahari... a yogic/Buddhist/activist teacher... and a roots/drummer/Rasta/flowing Man... rest in peace sincerely ;(

you both have just planted seeds upon your death, to pick back up my pieces of my practices that you both LIVED, committedly.

i respect that so much in folks...

may i live that much more authentically as well, for the remainder of my life.

i'm thankful for their reminders.

inspired by the depths of my empathetic sadness...for a grandchild caregiver of elder w dementia

a womyn who is young- a peer...

her mother died too, when she was young- how old, i am unsure, but young enough, that she was a 'child'... like me.

she shared her story, via a presentation, in our class we take together...

grief and bereavement counselling certificate... grief across the lifespans the class is called.

she chose to do her presentation on 'older adults', and chose COURAGEOUSLY to tell her story, all the while properly sharing her grandparent's story, and covering all the parameters she needed to in presenting about the experience of LOSS in this cohort of humyn life.

her grandmother has dementia now. her grandfather died in 2011, and her grandmother was diagnosed within 3 years of his death.

the way she told her story, of her grandmother, her grandfather... their life together... and how she, this yojng womyn, came to BE, in this role now.

there are so many levels and places and ways that i FEEL for her. and since i am taking this class, and starting to be able to really see and understand the RANGE of ways that grief and loss and bereavement affect us in our lives, ACROSS our entire lifespan....well, as soon as she started crying, i was THERE with her.... fully crying.

i just felt so much for her... it's so hard for her, and she's doing so well.... i just really feel for her. it's not easy for her... and she's my peer, she's my age....

she's parentless, and she's caring for someone who is her grandmother, who has dementia... she forgets so many pieces and bits of her life... all of which her grandaughter knows and REMEMBERS for her.

her grandaughter holds so many of her memories... the stories of this womyn's love, and life.

and i can see, in this all... how it has strained her youthful-ness.... there's just no time and space for this young womyn to just BE... freely....

and i feel for her....

'it's a humyn thing' i said, 'this was SO courageous of you'...i said...

when she apologized for crying....

no need to apologize...at all.

i am thankful that this class existed, for her to tell her story... to let it out... to let off some emotional rich hard sad steam....

it's hard for her... and i feel for her.

my fellow motherless sister... who feels the lack of her mama... and she works HARD, to take care of her mama's mama...

may she continue ot find healthy balanced strength to take care of her and her grandma...

and one day, when it is time for her grandma to go too, back to creation.... may this young womyn find some relief, and some time and space... to grieve all the losses she too has experienced in her little lifetime.... so she can breathe a bit lighter....

do i look like a 'thief'? (and the feelings of being 'targeted' as one...)

i want to start this off, by actually not JUDGING people who would be thieving things from a grocery store... food is one of our BASIC needs. I am not judging folks who would be stealing... ESPECIALLY not mother who would be.

furthermore, there are SO many large scale criminals... that us folks, who are at the lower end of the INCOME scale, are NOT the ones who should have fingers pointed at us.

that being said...today, for the second time, at the same grocery store, i was accosted, and asked to see my receipt, and to check my bags.

it was called the BIG CARROT-  'natural food store', which means it is higher end, organic foods.... WHICH MEANS, the only folks who can afford to shop there with no problems, are going to be the wealthier folks... who don't even need to 'budget' as i do.

the folks that would NOT be accosted, would be folks who have everything neat, and tidy, and probably wouldn't be pushing their kids in a stroller, because they would have a NANNY to do that for them....they probably wouldn't be reaching in and out of their stroller as i was doing, because they wouldn't have to get multiple errands done in one day, WHILE taking care of two 2-year old ACTIVE and hungry children!!!

TODAY, my morning looked like it usually does... my partner gets up, and focuses on getting ready to go to work... and i change my kids into their clothes, after a little wash up.... i prepare breakfast, and feed them.... i get our stroller all set up for a morning and afternoon out of the house.... i pack up fruits and snacks... i plan on buying a partial lunch at the food shop... for our park trip... our little special treat lunch out- that doesn't happen every day...because i couldn't afford to do that... we can't.

so i cook.... and i grow a garden, so we can eat some of our own delicious freshness in the summertime.

The main reason why i made the longer trek TO this particular organic grocery store today, was because they sell organic tomato plants, and i wanted to buy a few more, as mine were eaten by creatures :)

After our library trip, to stock up on more books, to nourish my children's minds.... next stop, was the big carrot- to buy tomato plants, and a bit of lunch... and a few other bits that i prefer to buy organic.

Absolutely, the whole time... i am feeding my kids snacks- reaching down under my stroller, grabbing the rice cakes and fruit...  ALL my purchases were in ONE bag in the front, because ya CAN'T push a double stroller AND a shopping cart...but again, i am a super mama,with minimal support, who needs to get shit done, WHILE caring for her kids... so, i have no choice, but to do THIS.

THIS MAMA here, needs to get errands done herself... and carry it all, and take care of the kids... and feel good about what i look like a bit too... which is part of the 'targeting'... i don't LOOK upper class, let's be honest ;)

SO, we were doing these errands, and heading to the park next...  by the time we cash out, and i fit all the groceries, and fragile tomato plants into the stroller, on top of the library books.... my organic delicious coffee, in my cup holder... we are READY to get to the park.

i just walked out of the store, when a humyn asks to see my receipt. I cannot remember the exact words she said... but it was clear what she thought happened...what she was accusing me of.

this is the SECOND time in a row, i have been accused, in this store...

It's a good thing, i am intelligent, and can understand why this could happen.

WHY it happened to me- why they targeted me... and on a larger macro scale, i understand how everyone, is fucking paranoid and selfish, and how we just target each other.  those with wealth and power, will do ANYTHING to hold onto that... so many of us humyns have just forgotten caring for other people... giving, taking care.

no longer is that prevalent... these days, it's 'security', loss and fraud prevention'... fear, mistrust, etc etc...

this womyn was hired to do this. She was hired to do 'fraud prevention'- her words.

she also is a black womyn. a womyn, or humyn, who annoyingly, would normally be targeted...before me. which is FUCKED, and equivalently wrong.

here i am, wearing my leopard pants, skin tight...i've got my two kids- reaching for things in the grocery store, making sounds just a little bit louder than the average 'nannied' kid, who would come from a household that has a cleaning lady too, a car probably, a good support system, etc etc...kids that would 'properly behave'.... my kids are wonderful, and full of life and pizzazz and expression...

but i mean... we definitely struggle... financially, etc.

it's hard for my family, to make ends meat.

it's hard for LOTS of families, and people to make ends meat.

AND IT'S REALLY EASY for others... and they don't even think about the amount of privilege and power that they have.

NOR do they care, or care to understand how it feels for folks like me...and folks who are targeted WAY more frequently than me.  and this in my most elder decade of life has really started to FRUSTRATE me more. it's not fair, and it's not right.  We are ALL humyn creatures, and we TRULY are perfectly equal and equivalent, if i have to 'evaluate' us...

but, I am white, thus I am more privileged. but i am bald, and i am NOT upper class... so i do lose some privilege points there.

I AM also intelligent. I also am hard working. I also deserve respect for all the hard work that i do... being a good mother, being a person who is resourceful, who does know how to 'budget'...who does know how to feed my children as well as i can, within reason... and i am proud of this. and i am proud of myself. For my confidence to stand up for myself in these situations.  And am inspired to do better, with my rage and frustrations as my fuel, and my intelligence and ability to express as my medium.

I am proud that i get excited over purple and yellow coloured organic tomatoes.  and that i made it a priority, to buy these tomatoes, and to garden. to work within our means, to find a place to rent to live, for our family, that ALSO had garden space.

It's a choice we made, and to pay higher rent, means you have less money for other things. So i don't always have the newest clothes and accessory gear objects WHATEVERS... neither do my kids often, and i don't want them to think that's what this life is about, ANYWAYS. because IT'S NOT.

to be judged, to accuse me, when i am working so hard just to get 'everything' done... is insulting, and it's embarassing...  and it really hurt my feelings in those moments.

i totally cried.

initially, i was totally diva to the security womyn... 'you want to know what's in that bag? LIBRARY BOOKS... and that one- a diaper bag... and that one, snacks, and fruit, for my children....'

and after that whole exchange ended... i walked away, back to the same-chain-coffee bar where i had gone to before the groceries... i knew there was a kind womyn who was in there, and i actually needed to release via tears- i felt tears inside, i needed to be heard... by a kind non-judging humyn, in that moment....

i walked up to the barista, and just cried, and told her what happened...

my lady Yemaya said 'mommy crying'...  in the future, i will speak to her about the complexities of this situation, ALL throughout her life.

I will talk to her about privilege, and profiling... and the unfairness-es that she too will have to navigate through... because annoyingly and sadly... this is still VERY MUCH a society that PRIVILEGES folks with money, ESPECIALLY white masculine ones...

and let me tell you, this diva mama, pushing a double stroller, packed full with her 2 active kids... and library books, groceries, and tomato plants OBVIOUSLY does not fit into that category...

overall, i am not expecting to get anything out of sharing this story, excpet for maybe it will mean something to someone else, and it will validate a similar experience they went through... but i just need to let it out... because it was frustrating, and hurtful... and made me feel bad.  And that's really just not fair or right.  For all the reasons.

This is dedicated to TOO many people who are unfairly treated in this world, while TOO many people stomp all over them... worldwide... exploiting other people and the land and just actually don't give a shit. it's not right at all.

i will go back to that place, when i need something, which generally is the approach i take with it anyways, as i can't afford to do our full-time grocery shops there, obviously... but next time someone approaches me in this accusatory way... i am going to ask to speak to the most maximum of managers there- to have a bigger discussion... not the humyn being in front of me, who is actually hardly to blame...

she's low on the totem pole of power and privilege too, truly....and i am thankful i am intelligent enough to know that... and that i can feel this ANGER, and empathy... and that i have a brain that can conceptualize all this.

this is all just food for thought...

we are creatures born of our Pasts.

All of us humyns were born into our lives.

hopefully healthy families that loved us, and even still, most humyns are 'flawed', so we still don't turn out perfect.

We are malleable creatures.

We are born as distinct clearly unique individuals, absolutely.

And then we are completely shaped and altered and affected by what goes ON in our lives from that point forward.

and the people who raise us, again ideally with love....are still humyns. raised by other folks, in this culture that is not so honest and caring, TRULY- about how it's humyn offspring fellow creatures are RAISED...thus what and HOW they teach us about how to BE in this lifetime... and why...are already grown into their body that has lived as many years as it has... it is a body and life and humyn that is enmeshed of all it's experiences.

we are creatures born of our pasts.

which brings me to the more positive evolution to this concept...

there comes points, and when you pay good attention, and put care and effort into your practice...when you realize that our pasts are constantlygrowing, and that REALLY, all of our future means we have MANY possibilities to create in a GOOD way what then becomes our past.

we can make so many good positive healthy choices.... that will allow us time and time again to evolve and grow again....BORN again, again and again... every choice and step along the way, every day.

now it is work, to carry along this life path, in this culture, or world.... especially, again, if you are not raised with love...in love...in healthy happy caring stable love... then you have more obstacles to navigate THROUGH... and you do have to navigate through them... and again and again...

because who you are... who you were raised to be.... it makes up your basic structure... your body, but so much of your MIND and perspectives and ways of being... that continue to shape you.

it's hard work to make choices, aboiut how to act, how to be... more of a person that you want to be, or know is better to be.... because a lot fo people know ethics, they know what it means to be good, not to do bad...

and there TRULY are so many factors at work, that don't allow us to be the best people we can be, the best people that take care of other people and the earth, that ACTUALLY sustains us...

but we create our future, with every action and step that we take....and it's empowering to remember that. and to remember that it's also WORK and PRACTICE to keep that thinking and acting up and active...

i want to be a better person. i want to teach my kids to do better than what we have done. WE as parents, but WE as humyns.... WE as creatures that are born of our pasts... our upbringings and cultures and philosophies that maybe just don't resonate with us....

because we have listened to other ways of thinking.... that care less about the 'addictions' of this modern world- that probably ALLof us humyn's battle with internally in one way or another realistically...but we can also choose to see those flaws in ourselves, and not hate them... but notice them... and then grow again....

create our future.... that becomes our past.

i know i certainly want to do that for my children...

and in a less selfish way.... i think i also owe it to the earth and my fellow humyns, many of which were not born into some of the privileges i was...

i was reminded tonight, in attending a yoga class, which truly has been an important PIECE to a healthy life for me for over a decade now ...and in the past couple weeks upon reflection, as my children turned 2 years old, and we were fortunate to have been IMMERSED in family time with the majority of our little family's closest living relatives, in one way or another.

in honouring us all, i really take to heart that i vow to take better next steps.

i am a creature born of my past.... every step along the way... every event and action and interaction...from my in utero, to my infancy, toddlerhood, teenagehood, early and young adulthood, through this motherhood time.... some of it i didn't choose, some of it i did.

i am a creature born of my past.

we all are actually.

let's all make better choices.

disappearing friendships...

i realize now that my friendships PRE-baby...most of them... have not made it past into my new life.

it makes me wonder how genuine they were before...

it was a time when i was a 'diva'... where i had a reputation, an active one... and as ego-tistical as it sounds to say this now... i'mma gonna say it anyways... because it explains where the past friendshgips are now... in that time and places... of self-centred EGO...

those frienships were obviously based a little bit too much on cool-ness, on what we looked like, what people thought about us...

im now in a place of caring for others...

and some of these friendships have just disappeared... its surprising actually how fast...

considering how young my babies actually are...just under 14 months... friendships that lasted years have disintegrated...

its an interesting position i am now in... time to get some new friends... people who want to hang out with me and my babies :) no longer am i a solo diva... but a mama, with twins <3 p="">

babies almost a year old!!

3 tools that will need to be drawn upon... moving forward, in this baby rearing adventure:

1) my travelling experiences
2)hula-hooping/ drum-dancing
3)spiritual/meditation/yoga practice

milk flow transitioning into blood flow...

it started as a familiar throbbing tingling down in my yoni...( my vagina...the lower core of my wombynhood... womyn-honouring terminology)

and a sort of gassy cramping...in my frontal tummy,

i thought it felt familiar... but i didn't think anything more of it...

but then terell came home, and we put our 11-month twin babies to sleep, and i went to the bathroom...

and i saw it... red-ness...

MY BLOOD IS BACK!!!

it is such a bittersweet mixture of feelings... because it is a clear signal to me- that my milk supply has drastically decreased... i night weaned like 10 days ago- i stopped breastfeeding my babies overnight... from like 5:30 pm till 6:30 am...they used to breastfeed all throughout the day... and night... my breasts were full of milk and tender and tingly those first nights- itching for relief.. i went into the shower and massaged my breasts, to help the milk come out... i couldn't WAIT for the morning time to come, so i could be with my babies and breastfeed them...all 3 of us nooked in together... transitioning from nighttime to daytime- intimately <3 p="">
i stopped breastfeeding at night, so we could 'sleep train' them, to stop co-sleeping with us (one baby was with one parent in 2 different rooms- switching each night!)... to sleep together in their own cribs, in their own room...so they could get more sleep, so terell and i could start getting more sleep too... so him and i could sleep together again...

i knew what that would mean for me and breastfeeding... and i still did it... and now i sort of regret it a bit, but i also don't... but i also do...

i miss the intimacy with the babies... but i know it is really important for terell and my relationship, and for the well-being of our blossoming family, and it does feel REALLY good to have a little bit of stress-free freedom to be SUNNI as an independent humyn again... but i do miss the intimacy of nooking in with my babies... breastfeeding them, us curled into each other.. in the sweet dream time of the night, falling asleep and waking up with my breast leaking milk onto the bed and my babies... just creatures of the earth we are... with our amazing natural perfections... can you imagine? milk flowing from my breast??!!! i still cannot believe it...

well here i am now... milk still does flow from my breast, but i know in much LESSER quantities...  and my blood flow now JOINING my milk flow is a sure sign that my milk supply is not strong... my body decided it is no longer limiting my body from producing more babies- the babies are big enough- they are weaning from mama... (generally it is said that womyn who breastfeed don't get their periods/ovulate ... or are less likely too at least then womyn who DON'T breastfeed! i have fed our babies with much formula, but i also THANKFULLY breastfed!- this is Nature's way of giving the superbness that is WOMYN a break from getting pregnant again while taking care of brand new breastfeeding babies!)

my 'period' blood has not flowed through my body for approximately 20 months... 9 months of pregnancy... and my babies are almost 11 months old now...that is heading towards 2 years of NO bleeding on a monthly basis... no longer having this intimate time with myself monthly... to see the red appear on my underwear... reminding me to take  certain kind of extra care of myself... i have to take care to care for this blood coming from my body... to take care of myself as i feel the sensations move through me...body and mind and breathe....

time to pull out my reusable and my disposeable pads... time to dig through my underwear collection and find the ones to use for my time of bloodflow... time to get a new 'size 2' diva cup- a blood collecting cup designed for 'post-childbirth' yonis... like mine ;)

what a surprise this bloodflow was :) i was wondering when it would happen...

here it is... today, now...

i am going to go to the bathroom now... have a cleanse, and watch the water run a light red in the process...

how amazing and perfect creation is.