this is the honest curious me... spreading the lessons of reality of life to all of my friends and family... which is everyone... i believe in equality, and unity in diversity... in human rights, in women's rights... from my heart... the most true place..... these are words i am writing about the lessons i learn from fellow human beings, and from the greatest mama of all... mother earth.....
lifting up the bits of leaves, shells and sticks..
I tiptoe jump to avoid going under :)
with my toes...
the sound- the beautiful sound...
deep undercurrent base...
and the light... breaking... waves
coming nearer...
then sizzling out.
The wind is on my face...
reminding me to take deep breathes in...
and revel in the beautiful sensation
the wind on my face...
and sunshine...
oh wow...
that sneaky little diva sunshine...
making my smile widen to it's fullest- on my face. SO BEAUTIFUL- my heart screams inside of me...
I am so thankful for it.
It glows so bright...
Then the clouds come in... like an elder, and say, 'calm down now...'
'yes, i know... but... :)... I'm so excited!!!', I imagine the sun feels.
I feel like that sometimes too.
And so the sky becomes grey, and thick with clouds... lighter where the sun is resting.
Black birds adding depth and distraction to the dense sky.
The trees lining the water- almost all naked of their leaves... down to their raw skeletons.
So we can see what they really look like.
Their shapes much different without all those colours and textures.
And the sand that i sit upon... Right here in front of my face...
Sand- that is a culmination of it all.
Time, story, elements...
the cycles we call life and death...
And the whole entire planet Earth.
And the One Universe.
I am simply thankful. grateful.
Appreciative, honoured, humbled.
As i sit here, on this beach,
I offer myself.
_______________________
I SAT IN THIS ROOTED, CENTRED, HARMONIUS POSITION... I CHANTED A MANTRA, THAT FLOWED OUT OF ME NATURALLY... Om, Tryambukum, Yajamahe, Sukandim Pushti Vardanam Oorvah-rukah Mivah bandanum Mrityor, mukshiya ma meer-taat, Om JUST ONE FULL VERSE, THE FULLEST EXPRESSION... IN THE LAST MOMENT, THAT LAST 'OM'... I FELT A DROP ON MY FACE. I SMILED... OPENED MY EYES... AND SAW THE DROPS VIBRATING AND RADIATING ON THE WATER... THE RAIN GAVE ME THE REMINDER THAT ALL THAT WE HUMANS DO, WE CAN SEE IN NATURE, GIVING US SPACE TO BE... TO CRY LIKE THE RAIN, GET EXCITED LIKE THE SUN... FLOW LIKE THE WATER... SIT STILL LIKE THE EARTH...AND MOVE LIKE THE WIND. IT CONTINUED TO RAIN THE REST OF THE DAY... THOSE MOMENTS... COMING AND GOING... I FELT THAT SINGLE DROP... AND THEN I CRIED ONE MORE...
i was with my lover, whom i love sincerely and deeply,
i do.
we were sharing love...
i had been feeling the tears coming for days.
i love when i feel so emotional, i love the feeling that something touches me so deeply that i overflow,
like a cup... filled up to the tip top...
and a tear spills over.
this is common for me... to feel one tear come out.
that always makes me smile, thankful for my ability to feel, and express it, in release.
one tear, drips out... releasing.
i had been feeling a deeper need to release though... for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.
time, stories, feelings, pains, hurts, emotions... friends, love, life...
all of this i feel...
and i work much of it out, through my healing and personal care-taking releases...
but it accumulates too.
I am a human, and i do what i can to take care, and be open simultaneously.
i hear many stories from my fellow creatures, and some of it is really heavy, and pain-full.
the deep thoughts, inside feelings... i intend to be able to reflect those back to people i spend time with... so they can take care of themselves too.
we all have feelings deep inside...
some so exquisitely beautiful... sacred, awe-inspiring, breathtaking...
those moments when that one tear drops...
because it is so beautiful.
that moment.
that vision, sensation... we feel.
some so deeply sad... why?
why, we ask.
why is this truth SO.
it hurts... i feel it.
it can be how we harm the earth.
and know we are doing it.
it can be harming another.
and know we are doing it.
it can be losing a baby, inside us...
and know we have to wait for nature to take it's course...
it can be someone dying.... dead.
and needing to deal with ALL of that.
and it can be the feeling of being alone...
just alone...
no one who understands... who we can talk to about it.
so we come to the ground, we come to the bottom...
to the roots.
where we can lay, and let the earth envelope us...
let her draw out what we need to release.
i share love.
as much as possible.
i was with my lover, and i felt all these sensations.... within me...
' for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.'
it was beautiful...
and then the tears started...
and they came...
and he held me...
he held me tight... and i felt like i could just release it all...
completely overflowed...
like the rain coming down....
just falling, and falling... and falling...
breathing heavy... sniffling, and crying, and breathing...
i felt safe to release...
in love.
i really give thanks.
as time goes on, i have one-tear-cries perhaps daily....
i am regularly touched so fully that a tear overflows....
rarely, like this.
to cry so deeply, so thoroughly...
is only handful a year.
A practice that i want to finish this writing expression with, is a lesson i have integrated from Buddhism.
A Dedication of it's Merit.
When something meaningful and virtuous such as this true experience of goodness occurs, you dedicate it onwards... towards the betterment of others.
For me to release, it feels as though space has opened up to continue along... doing what i do.
And so I step away from myself for these final moments...
and I dedicate the beautiful sacred merit of this Truth towards the magical perfection of the earth lifeforce.
we are closer to that which we are the most intimate with.
my blood brother, father... my blood....
i hurt when i realize the connection i yearn for is not there... there is a gap...
but i still love them so much, i care so much... but i am at a loss of what to do.. how to deal with their pain, and my pain...
i feel like i am mourning... just sad.
of how we all are hurting... alone... like a creature bug, who has fallen over, and cannot get back up.
this is my dad... and i see it in myself... i know i just lay there... saying i have faith, trust in 'it' to guide me... the flow...
i think sometimes it is an excuse... like my dad.
to not be more directed in my life... more active.
he is isolated right now... he won't even say anything... as we all sit in our spaces, alone...
but, he doesn't even have full mobility... a stolen vehicle...isolates his limited physical-ly able body.
and i yearn for love in my life... for family, for connection... i yearn for it in a different city to my blood family... yet while i am here in my city, i yearn for nature... yearning for something that is just not present.
alone... ish. i have love in my life, a man who nurtures a lot of my loving needs... i have a community-ish... of familiar faces, that often makes me smile, feel comfortable...
but yet in a city, just 2 hours away... sits my dad, in my childhood home... now disheveled, dust-covered.... fallen apart... wall paper peeling... abandoned laundry machines sit beside the same garbage bin from 30 years past.
and here i am... in my life here... wondering what i am doing...
especially when i am needed elsewhere...
but even though i am needed, will my help be accepted? and the pain will arise... from my lifetime... and stir it all up again... and im scared.
i am scared of more pain... and sorrow... i feel it so strongly just living here in this modern day.... separated from nature... yearning for it's truth...
i don't want to go back... i want to go back.
but i guess, i have no choice.
but.... i remind myself...
i do...
choose your own adventure...
you are already in the book...
keep it open...
and trust...
and turn the pages...
and breathe with them...
and remember your feelings, and remember your roots....
and remember truth... know it is true... and real...
remember to center yourself in your feelings... your pains, and frustrations, and confusions...
all that pain, sorrow... grieving the disconnect...
in fact, it is a totally 'normal' amount of time, it is just under 29 days this time...
but normally for ME, it is around 27- 28 days... or so it has been consistently.
before i saw this subtle shade of orange... smoothly shining on that toilet paper...
i wondered... what if...
i wondered if all those times, in the past month... where i longed, YEARNED, for a baby...
did they come true.
i wondered...
i wonder and wish they did not, exactly...
i wonder if perhaps even though i wish for it to be true...
if i would follow through with the baby...
everyone who i know in my life... what would they do, react with...
and other friends... who would chastise me... because i knew, and wanted.... and then aborted?
looking down upon my 'ir-responsible-ness'...
is it irresponsible to want to fulfill my biological destiny?
is it wrong for me to completely FEEL my instinctual power of the earth take over...
release into the destiny of life...
is not this how and why we were ALL born???
and if i were to decide.... that the pressure of all around me... this world, society, culture... that maybe i could not handle it after all... because this just NOT is a culture... that supports the biological perfection and mysterious beauty of mama... pachamama....
it does not support and encourage to follow that this is NATURAL...
but i want to...
and sometimes... i completely and ab-soul-utely surrender to it... to the goddess-ness.... of natural-ness...
and i wonder, will... and WHEN will it happen... that i feel that natural cycle begin to complete itself within me...
and i pray for it often.... making me cry...
because i want it so bad...
but in the meantime...
since i know i i live here, in this world and culture... that reminds me of what i do not have... that i 'need' to have... to 'raise' a baby...
i am sad, because i know... i have everything...
i have been waiting...
the last almost 24 hours... wondering.... is it all happening... is now the time... not able to leave the house this morning... i need to be with myself as i await...
and here now...
that beautiful subtle creamy shade of orange appears....
To adjust, to meet the needs of the present, to adjust for what is coming ahead... up, or down... to go down, or up, an incline...
It means being realistic, of where you are at right now... and what you can handle.
It means assessing, and shifting accordingly...
I am shifting gears now... moving into the next phase...
I guess in some places, I will slow it down... because I just will not be able to handle it all... if I don’t.
I may have to get off, and walk some of it... slow it down... because I cannot handle doing it, on my bike.
I cannot go as fast, use this technology...
Use certain knowledge’s, wisdoms...
I have to accept, that this is different... I will have to adjust.
Working... changing your lifestyle... demands you re-evaluate, be realistic... and shift gears, shift flow, shift movement... accordingly.
And humbly, and honestly.
Slow it down, make it easier to process.
Get off the bike when I just cannot do it... but at the same time... think ahead, see what is coming ahead... and shift into lower gear, in advance.
Take care, and be strong... stand up at those moments when you need that fuller strength... brace yourself... get ready to breathe deeper... before you are in the moment.
So staying fit, and active... practicing your whole-istic health-y-ness, as you enter into the next and ongoing chapters... of life.
The hardest thing about learning... is practicing....
Learning.. theories, ideas, concepts.... all floatey-ness....
Until it is grounded.
In practice.
Solidarity... non-racist/sexist/prejudice... sets of morals/ethics/value/beliefs.... compassionate, love... equal.
Relationships, friendships...
Community’s...
It takes discipline.... focus... clarity... conscious and continuous self-reflection...
Practicing what you preach.
Enacting what you claim to believe/feel... theoretically...
Until you are so completely able to step into IT... you are learning, and you are practicing...
It is hard to practice it all... ever so completely.
We have our ideals....
And then we have our true practices... how we are with family for example... yet different we always say... from our beliefs... but even if we do not share the same beliefs... we can still choose how we react. We can.... and that is discipline, and that is practice.
It certainly isn’t fun to practice.... for our minds... FEAR..or sloth-ness.... laziness... because we have this aversion to things we are moving towards, like there is some sort of resistance that inevitably exists... even if it what we want...
Like there is the goal... but there is a process you must go through... to be moving towards the goal.
That is the enacting of what you desire, and want to happen... embodying.... practicing...
And that is just hard.
Learning curve i see.... not always fun-feeling...
But how are you gonna get closer to what you sincerely intend, sincerely and truthfully... if you cannot PRACTICE and BE it... ya know?
One love.
i am a woman from the mama earth.... alive and flowing like her waters..... exploring, learning, sharing, living... and i love to express thru words and hula dancing and yoga.
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