tears of release...

i cry...

i cried.

a lot...

i was with my lover, whom i love sincerely and deeply,

i do.

we were sharing love...

i had been feeling the tears coming for days.


i love when i feel so emotional, i love the feeling that something touches me so deeply that i overflow,

like a cup... filled up to the tip top...

and a tear spills over.

this is common for me... to feel one tear come out.

that always makes me smile, thankful for my ability to feel, and express it, in release.

one tear, drips out... releasing.


i had been feeling a deeper need to release though... for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.

time, stories, feelings, pains, hurts, emotions... friends, love, life...

all of this i feel...

and i work much of it out, through my healing and personal care-taking releases...

but it accumulates too.


I am a human, and i do what i can to take care, and be open simultaneously.

i hear many stories from my fellow creatures, and some of it is really heavy, and pain-full.

the deep thoughts, inside feelings... i intend to be able to reflect those back to people i spend time with... so they can take care of themselves too.


we all have feelings deep inside...


some so exquisitely beautiful... sacred, awe-inspiring, breathtaking...

those moments when that one tear drops...

because it is so beautiful.

that moment.

that vision, sensation... we feel.


some so deeply sad... why?

why, we ask.

why is this truth SO.

it hurts... i feel it.

it can be how we harm the earth.

and know we are doing it.

it can be harming another.

and know we are doing it.


it can be losing a baby, inside us...

and know we have to wait for nature to take it's course...


it can be someone dying.... dead.

and needing to deal with ALL of that.


and it can be the feeling of being alone...

just alone...

no one who understands... who we can talk to about it.


so we come to the ground, we come to the bottom...

to the roots.

where we can lay, and let the earth envelope us...

let her draw out what we need to release.


i share love.

as much as possible.


i was with my lover, and i felt all these sensations.... within me...

' for not one, but many, identifiable and un-identifiable reasons.'

it was beautiful...

and then the tears started...

and they came...

and he held me...

he held me tight... and i felt like i could just release it all...

completely overflowed...


like the rain coming down....

just falling, and falling... and falling...

breathing heavy... sniffling, and crying, and breathing...

i felt safe to release...

in love.


i really give thanks.


as time goes on, i have one-tear-cries perhaps daily....

i am regularly touched so fully that a tear overflows....


rarely, like this.

to cry so deeply, so thoroughly...

is only handful a year.


A practice that i want to finish this writing expression with, is a lesson i have integrated from Buddhism.

A Dedication of it's Merit.

When something meaningful and virtuous such as this true experience of goodness occurs, you dedicate it onwards... towards the betterment of others.

For me to release, it feels as though space has opened up to continue along... doing what i do.

And so I step away from myself for these final moments...

and I dedicate the beautiful sacred merit of this Truth towards the magical perfection of the earth lifeforce.

Pachamama.

And ALL her sacred creatures within.

re-embracing her Beautiful Harmonious Perfection.

lost.

there are people in all areas of my life
warning me... don't get lost,
stay focused... what are you
doing? where are you going...
stay focused...

but i always get lost again.

grieving the disconnect...

im mourning... i am grieving...

my disconnection from my blood family...

as i connect with my own personal blood.

what irony...

we are closer to that which we are the most intimate with.

my blood brother, father... my blood....

i hurt when i realize the connection i yearn for is not there... there is a gap...

but i still love them so much, i care so much... but i am at a loss of what to do.. how to deal with their pain, and my pain...

i feel like i am mourning... just sad.

of how we all are hurting... alone... like a creature bug, who has fallen over, and cannot get back up.

this is my dad... and i see it in myself... i know i just lay there... saying i have faith, trust in 'it' to guide me... the flow...

i think sometimes it is an excuse... like my dad.

to not be more directed in my life... more active.

he is isolated right now... he won't even say anything... as we all sit in our spaces, alone...

but, he doesn't even have full mobility... a stolen vehicle...isolates his limited physical-ly able body.

and i yearn for love in my life... for family, for connection... i yearn for it in a different city to my blood family...  yet while i am here in my city, i yearn for nature... yearning for something that is just not present.

alone... ish. i have love in my life, a man who nurtures a lot of my loving needs... i have a community-ish... of familiar faces, that often makes me smile, feel comfortable...

but yet in a city, just 2 hours away... sits my dad, in my childhood home... now disheveled, dust-covered.... fallen apart... wall paper peeling... abandoned laundry machines sit beside the same garbage bin from 30 years past.

and here i am... in my life here... wondering what i am doing...

especially when i am needed elsewhere...

but even though i am needed, will my help be accepted? and the pain will arise... from my lifetime... and stir it all up again... and im scared.

i am scared of more pain... and sorrow... i feel it so strongly just living here in this modern day.... separated from nature... yearning for it's truth...

i don't want to go back... i want to go back.

but i guess, i have no choice.

but.... i remind myself...

i do...

choose your own adventure...

you are already in the book...

keep it open...

and trust...

and turn the pages...

and breathe with them...

and remember your feelings, and remember your roots....

and remember truth... know it is true... and real...

remember to center yourself in your feelings... your pains, and frustrations, and confusions...

all that pain, sorrow... grieving the disconnect...

slowly... do not look at the time.

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

this beautiful subtle shade of orange...

that i see,

when i look down, awaitedly...

at the toilet paper...

my period blood is less then 24 hours late...

in fact, it is a totally 'normal' amount of time, it is just under 29 days this time...

but normally for ME, it is around 27- 28 days... or so it has been consistently.

before i saw this subtle shade of orange... smoothly shining on that toilet paper...

i wondered... what if...

i wondered if all those times, in the past month... where i longed, YEARNED, for a baby...

did they come true.

i wondered...

i wonder and wish they did not, exactly...

i wonder if perhaps even though i wish for it to be true...

if i would follow through with the baby...

everyone who i know in my life... what would they do, react with...

and other friends... who would chastise me... because i knew, and wanted.... and then aborted?

looking down upon my 'ir-responsible-ness'...

is it irresponsible to want to fulfill my biological destiny?

is it wrong for me to completely FEEL my instinctual power of the earth take over...

release into the destiny of life...

is not this how and why we were ALL born???

and if i were to decide.... that the pressure of all around me... this world, society, culture... that maybe i could not handle it after all... because this just NOT is a culture... that supports the biological perfection and mysterious beauty of mama... pachamama....

it does not support and encourage to follow that this is NATURAL...

but i want to...

and sometimes... i completely and ab-soul-utely surrender to it... to the goddess-ness.... of natural-ness...

and i wonder, will... and WHEN will it happen... that i feel that natural cycle begin to complete itself within me...

and i pray for it often.... making me cry...

because i want it so bad...

but in the meantime...

since i know i i live here, in this world and culture... that reminds me of what i do not have... that i 'need' to have... to 'raise' a baby...

i am sad, because i know... i have everything...

i have been waiting...

the last almost 24 hours... wondering.... is it all happening... is now the time... not able to leave the house this morning... i need to be with myself as i await...

and here now...

that beautiful subtle creamy shade of orange appears....

and i know, the flow is about to come...

and i give thanks...

for not yet bringing a baby...

and for this cycle...

ending....

continuing again.

Where i come from...

Where i come from... is a place that kills and harms a lot... globally...

Where i come from... has power over the whole world.

Where i come from... is urban, and Babylon... and concrete jungle...

It is consumption, and shopping...

and development, and demolition...

it is traffic and traffic lights...

it is advertisements and brainwashing...


Where i want to SAY i come from... and where i know i sincerely DO come from...

is the earth.

the grass... the sun, the water.

the plants, the flower...

the soil, the clay...

the rainbows and rivers and butterflies and dragonflies and cats + owls + trees...


I come from all of that and SO much more.

I come from the Universe... from Pachamama, from the Creator, from Gaia...

i come from life, i go towards death.

I wish that, Where i come from... did not hurt all others... from Where I come from too.


Where do you come fromÉ

Shifting gears...

What does it mean to shift gears?

To adjust, to meet the needs of the present, to adjust for what is coming ahead... up, or down... to go down, or up, an incline...

It means being realistic, of where you are at right now... and what you can handle.

It means assessing, and shifting accordingly... I am shifting gears now... moving into the next phase... I guess in some places, I will slow it down... because I just will not be able to handle it all... if I don’t.

I may have to get off, and walk some of it... slow it down... because I cannot handle doing it, on my bike. I cannot go as fast, use this technology... Use certain knowledge’s, wisdoms...

I have to accept, that this is different... I will have to adjust.

Working... changing your lifestyle... demands you re-evaluate, be realistic... and shift gears, shift flow, shift movement... accordingly. And humbly, and honestly.

Slow it down, make it easier to process.

Get off the bike when I just cannot do it... but at the same time... think ahead, see what is coming ahead... and shift into lower gear, in advance.

 Take care, and be strong... stand up at those moments when you need that fuller strength... brace yourself... get ready to breathe deeper... before you are in the moment.

 So staying fit, and active... practicing your whole-istic health-y-ness, as you enter into the next and ongoing chapters... of life.

Shifting gears...

The hardest thing about learning... is Practice.

The hardest thing about learning... is practicing.... Learning.. theories, ideas, concepts.... all floatey-ness.... Until it is grounded. In practice. Solidarity... non-racist/sexist/prejudice... sets of morals/ethics/value/beliefs.... compassionate, love... equal. Relationships, friendships... Community’s... It takes discipline.... focus... clarity... conscious and continuous self-reflection... Practicing what you preach. Enacting what you claim to believe/feel... theoretically... Until you are so completely able to step into IT... you are learning, and you are practicing... It is hard to practice it all... ever so completely. We have our ideals.... And then we have our true practices... how we are with family for example... yet different we always say... from our beliefs... but even if we do not share the same beliefs... we can still choose how we react. We can.... and that is discipline, and that is practice. It certainly isn’t fun to practice.... for our minds... FEAR..or sloth-ness.... laziness... because we have this aversion to things we are moving towards, like there is some sort of resistance that inevitably exists... even if it what we want... Like there is the goal... but there is a process you must go through... to be moving towards the goal. That is the enacting of what you desire, and want to happen... embodying.... practicing... And that is just hard. Learning curve i see.... not always fun-feeling... But how are you gonna get closer to what you sincerely intend, sincerely and truthfully... if you cannot PRACTICE and BE it... ya know? One love.

this full moon presence...

as i sit here...

in this full moon presence...

energy...

i yearn for intensity...

listening to the sounds of piano... with an accordion...

feeling emotions... that just govern themselves...

intensity...

i need to do little things to calm myself down...

lie with my legs up against the wall... a few intro-encouraging postures...

i make calming tea... chamomile, mint and softness...

i light incense...

sitting in my front window...

my plants touching me... in my line of vision... as i turn to look out the window... up at the moon.

is it true... how it feels...

the full moon-ness... all the power and raw energy...

i feel it, somehow... really...

we all should...

it makes me really raw... emotional...

this is a good time to talk and express that...

raw... emotional... vulnerable, weak... open... true...

i feel tightness in my throat sometimes...

i need to let that go...

and my neck...

i also need to let that go...

i get scared, scared of so many things...

i feel angry... at people, at culture...

at harm and exploitation...

at myself, for not fulfilling the change i wish to see...

i feel angry at making decisions that i don't always feel all right...

and mostly...

i am just not sure how i feel at all...

its a big concoction of intensity of the moon...

and so i remind myself... of its cycles...

the cyclical nature... of nature...

that i am a part of...

i will honour, and have faith in.

let myself carry along in its flow...

think from your heart. move from your mind.

it gets a little confusing within my being...

moving, feeling, tranc-ing, meditatively... intending, wanting...

thinking, moving.

heart, mind.

different leaders... different catalysts... different intentions, inspirations...

expirations.... expire, release...

release-ing, process-ing...

life, it`s complexity...

processing it all...

coming through my mind, heard, thoughts, body...

alone, with others... micro, macro...

in the earth, on the earth, with my fellow creatures...


i remind myself to change the dynamics within me... tweak them, alter their perspectives, their well-worn paths... to continue to be true and honest, well-rounded... truly connected to all.

think from your heart. move from your mind.

my growing hair.

...

i have the world on my head...

i have the world on my head...

i have the world in my head...

i have the world on my head...

:)